Wow. OG dumped EL and I don't fuckin' care.
Possibly the best example yet of how I feel, how I'm moving onward (despite the appearance here and in the Salon stuff that I'm still "unhealthily obsessed" with her life and haven't let go) and getting past all the drama is...
OG dumped EL last night. I really don't know details, just that that's how she described it and he's done with her.
And you know what? On hearing that I had exactly THREE emotional feelings/thoughts, and none was very strong or diverted my attention more than a minute or two.
#1 was a bit more Schadenfruede, a taste of spiteful glee and thought of, "Good, hope she's happy now realizing she pissed her life away for 4 months of empty sex and self abasement."
#2 was shame at myself for feeling that, and a little bit of empathy/compassion for her. Just a tiny bit, though... :)
#3 was the strongest, and was something like this:
"Oh FUCK...THIS I don't need! DAMMIT! Why didn't I push the lawyers and EL faster on the paperwork? Dammit I KNEW this was gonna happen...my worst fucking nightmare...dear God what if the skank calls me trying to reconcile?!?!"
And that's about it. Now I just hope her wounded pride and stubbornness makes her stick to her guns thru the rest of the divorce. I'm actually thinking she probably won't tell me at all, actually.
If she DOES tell me, I'd take that as a sign she's sounding me out for an attempt at reconciliation which I will fucking shut down HARD....no way, no how.
A much worse thing yesterday was as I told RHA some of this, I really hurt her feelings. I felt like one inch tall and I deserved it. She basically said, "Wait...so...after you left here Thursday morning, you went home to feed the cats, but then you were thinking about her and all this stuff, instead of letting it go?" Wow. I was a fuckin' scumbag and no doubt.
I think she understands, of course, as we talked more and I explained that actually, I've thought about it all a LOT less lately. If not for my letter suddenly showing up in Salon and sorta bringing all this back to the forefront, hell, I might not have noticed anything up with her nor sought out info again on her.
I mean, I haven't been posting much at all lately and what I have has been a lot less angst-centered and EL-obsessed.
Er, it has, hasn't it? I look back and it appears I am making more progress everyday towards letting it all go.
NOWHERE NEAR all the way, I freely admit...but...whole days go by now and I actually don't think of it much beyond issues involving the legals or The Boy.
Anyway, she just was worried I was still a little too obsessed with the past and not letting go. But after we talked awhile and got the feelings out, we were good. I'm glad, I really am in love with RHA already, regardless of how right, or smart, or wise that is. Don't give a shit really.
We were lucky and we found each other at a time that was right for both of us. I'm pretty sure it will last but if it doesn't, we'll have no regrets because we're both such open, emotionally aware people...we talk on many levels and communicate on many more.
BTW, I've edited/paraphrased a bit. DO NOT feel that RHA was unfairly saying something so shallow as, "you were thinking of her and not me?" I don't want to go into details of exactly what/how/who I was dealing with Thursday morning that I discovered these interesting facts about EL and things...but suffice to say RHA did have a very valid right to be concerned with whether I was maybe a little more obsessed with all this than I've been claiming. That combined with some of the Salon comments HAS had me introspective again lately wondering if I'm obsessed, refuse to let go, unfairly sneaky, etc. And there is some grain of truth to it so I'm really trying to let this latest episode - EL's dumpage and RHA's concern for me and our relationship, be a big milestone towards me saying "fuck it all" and just not giving a shit in the least about EL and her shit.
Oh, and I DO still think his wife has a right to know. Because, he dumped EL because he's got another woman that's heating up more and he couldn't juggle all 3. EL doesn't even know that, unfortunately, but I do. So...it's hard. I still can't trust my motive, though, do I really wanna tell his wife for HER sake, or, so I can fuck up HIS life? I dunno.
posted by Fensty at 11:09 AM
12 Comments:
It sounds like EL won't be without a partner (male or female) for very long. Hell, if she's doing internet dating, it's only a matter of days until she has a new sleazeball fuckbuddy.
So, I wouldn't worry about her.
If she'd do it once, she'll do it again. Plus I doubt she'll want to kiss and make up with you. She has too many issues.
Unlike me, you are a younger and more marketable commodity and have proven that you can find a decent partner rather quickly. Get the divorce finalized and move on. Tell OG's wife (or send her a letter, including an anonymous email address if she wants to get more info from you) as soon as the divorce is final. If she contracts a serious or fatal disease you will feel guilty for your silence.
There's nothing stopping you from getting remarried to EL in the future if she truly gets help and cleans up her act, but I wouldn't hold my breath waiting.
SH
SH...did you misunderstand??? I do NOT want to be remarried. Never. My WORST fear is that she's gonna call me or otherwise try to make amends...
Amazing that I've come this far in 4 months, but this was the clearest sign that I gave up and moved on and am happier now.
All I care about now is getting my divorce over. There is nothing in this world that would make me go back to her...
JD
Let me get this straight, your new love is freaking out because you thought about your ex? So what if you did? You're not even divorced yet, and have a kid together. Your ex didn't simply cease to exist. Unless I'm misunderstanding something major here, accusing you of thoughtcrimes just sounds like bad news.
I didn't mean in the post above that RHA was trying to control your thoughts, just that it seems unrealistic to ask you to just expunge a major life event from your mind on her schedule rather than yours. Hey, you'll process it when your brain is ready to process it -- rushing this process is probably unwise.
There, hopefully that's a little clearer. Sorry, long day.
No, no....trust me, I didn't go into details for a reason, but it wasn't just that I was thinking about my ex or whatever.
She had a right to be upset. I understand where she was comin' from. It was like, I left her house and then 10 minutes later was engaging in active "snoopery" and such. :)
Honestly, if my letter hadn't popped up in Salon and got all this back in the forefront of my mind, I'd not have had a "relapse" in snoopery anyway. Truly the last few weeks I"d been getting further and further from giving a shit about any of EL's problems. They're not mine anymore and I'm finally starting to internalize that.
JD -- She's right. Stop the snoopery. Doesn't give the image of being "totally into RHA" if you're still running around reading EL's email or however it is you're snooping these days.
I know. I'm working on it. The only reason I still bother is there's no effort involved.
What kinda freaked RHA, rightfully - both in the case of how I feel about her, and just in the case of me being still somewhat "obsessed" with all this...is that that particular type of snoopery I'd "resurrected" that morning...was really into the realm of the weird.
I hadn't done that for like 2 weeks and only brushed off that particular snoop-style because the Salon letter piqued my curiousity again about something, and drove my desire to get the "final, impossible-to-to-dispute proof" of the affair between OG and EL if I did decide to tell his wife.
But by that evening (BEFORE RHA and I ever had the talk) I'd already found out about the OG dumping her, and realized, I didn't fuckin' give a shit one way OR the other at that point. And if I DO tell his wife, I don't need a fuckload of "proof" at all. I'll just tell her what I know, and she can take it from there or not as she chooses.
IF I tell anyone at all that is. Still didn't make any decisions there.
First of all, I think you do have my situation confused with someone else's. I've never been cheated on. I've been emotionally and verbally abused and decided to leave in the hopes that I'm more loveable and wantable than my X2B has led me to believe.
Second, I'm not sure what active "snoopery" you're talking about. I know one of the two times X2B has been in my apartment since I moved out two months ago, I turned my back once and he was going through my purse. It makes me sick to my stomach. I can't get far enough away from him except where our child is involved. I could understand it, TO AN EXTENT, while I lived in our marital home, but not now.
Third, I'm glad you admit that you've edited this post, because it made absolutely no sense to me, even after reading it three times. You said you had three reactions, none of which diverted your attention for more than a minute or two, and RHA was suddenly upset that at most six minutes of your life was spent thinking about this. It made no sense.
Finally, I marvel at how quickly you've gone through this whole recovery process - it's something I'm mentioning on my blog tonite. I think I will be spending YEARS wondering, "were the problems mine? his? ours? what could I have prevented before it got to this point? how do I know it won't go bad with the next relationship? how do I detect when I slip into the same patterns? how do I get out if I do? if I feel I want to be with someone else, how do I know how quickly to move? when do I introduce my boy to him? shouldn't I protect him from 'mommy's friends'? shouldn't I devote all my time with him to him, and think sharing it with someone I care about is the ultimate in insensitivity? ..." ad nauseum. You must have a much better therapist than I do in order to move through these feelings so quickly. I'm terrified of finding myself in another relationship where I let myself be controlled and abused and thinking that I deserve it because it's the way men treat me. I know I have to fall in love with me before I expect anyone else to. And considering people who know me tell me I'm pretty self-confident and assured, I have no idea what that will take to do.
Anyway, I am still following your blog through to the end. I hope I will see it get to the point where you stop talking about EL, where you stop snooping - actively or inactively. I hope you get to the point where someone WANTS to tell you about her and you interrupt them saying, "look, EL and I are divorced; I really don't have an interest in what goes on in her life anymore. But how have YOU been lately?"
It's all very odd to me. You found out about her affair at the same time I moved out of the bedroom I shared with X2B into the guest room and stopped wearing my wedding ring. I think there's still a mark on my finger where it used to be. Needless to say, I believe the mark on my mind and my heart is even more prominent. Then again, ten years will do that. I admire you for being able to move on so thoroughly, if that's what you've done. I know I couldn't do it. Hell, I can't even file for divorce in my state until December, and until that time, I'm still tiptoeing around, wondering if I should date, try to meet men, risk going out on a Saturday night, risk my chances at getting even partial custody of my son. I still don't want to make him angry. He still has control over me. I wonder how many years will elapse before this fear, the nightmares that he's breaking into my apartment, disappear.
Didn't meant to turn your blog into a rant. Guess we're even now. ;-)
No problem, Kayten, rant away! Though, that was a pretty mellow rant.... :)
Anyway, I wouldn't be snooping at all anymore except:
It's almost too easy.
It's so fascinating it's hard to give up.
I know it sounds like, "he doth protest too much" but the honest fact is, there's very little "emotional" involvement in the snooping anymore. I'm about equally as interested in the snooping on the ex as I am in reading someone's blog.
The unfair aspect of course is that people put stuff on a blog by choice and by desire to share, whereas she has no idea.
But, she puts this shit out there in a way, to strangers. Hard to explain without going into details I'd rather not.
Anyhoo, yes, sorry I did confuse your story with someone else's then.
I have an honest question. What, exactly, is "emotional abuse"?
What's emotional abuse? I lived through it when I was 19. My boyfriend would say things like, "I talked to your 'friends' and they said they don't like you. But I think you're the greatest." Stuff like that. Things that weren't true, but made me believe I was solely dependent on him.
Another time, he encouraged to me to kill myself when it just hurt too much.
The purpose of emotional abuse, as far as I can see, is to put the person in a vulnerable place. Once they get you there, the abuser can get away with saying or doing almost anything. Like pushing you down a flight of stairs. Like breaking your finger. Because once they have you believing that they're all you've got in the world, where are you going to go?
Make sense?
-- Barbara
Thanks, Barbara. Should be no surprise I was mainly asking to make sure I've never done that either, lest I be accused of it.
I have a big post coming up in a day or so, I believe I have really found the "root cause" of all the issues I've been living with for awhile, and it's not really depression...nor am I any sort of abuser - verbal, emotional, or physical. But I wanted to hear it from one who has suffered it.
I hope Kayten still rings in with her own definition in case it varies. I mean I know I could "look it up" but it's not the same.
Emotional abuse - some of the things he's said to me are, "I only married you to get what I wanted out of life," "you'll never meet a man who will love you, only men who want to fuck you," "I don't want you to leave. If it weren't for the child, I wouldn't give a flying fuck what you do, but you owe it to him to make this a family," "if you ever tried to live in this house without me, I would burn it down," "how can you say you're lonely and miserable? Your friends would laugh at you to hear that. You have everything any woman could want. You're being ridiculous," "your brother died three years ago, you should be over it by now and quit crying," "we don't need counseling, you need antidepressants." Need I go on? It's a situation in which the person you trust the most, and who you believe cares for you, is telling you something that your conscience/ego can't believe is true. Yes, it has involved hanging up on the friends he believes are talking me into leaving him just because they're divorced, refusing to go on vacation with me and complaining he has too much time to carry over, if my favorite band comes to town saying he doesn't want to go but I'm a whore if I want to go alone, or with a friend of either gender, picking a fight in front of our child when he knows I will not fight back in front of him and simply have to suffer and take it, instead of continuing a fight walk away muttering rude words under his breath which he won't say to my face if confronted, and finally, when he feels better, pretending nothing has happened and never apologizing for anything I might interpret as rudeness or poor behavior.
And, I believe, snooping for no apparent reason except to find a way to control me and keep me looking over my shoulder. Going through my purse right in front of me. Pitching a fit because I erased the history on internet explorer and what am I trying to hide from him. Which is why I'm so sensitive to seeing other people do it.
Hope that clears up what I consider emotional abuse.
Post a Comment
<< Home