So, more about my RHA...

First off, thanks to you all for the reality check, as I commented on the last entry at the end. This is why I have a blog, to make sure I'm not nuts. I do NOT want a chorus of rubber stamps, I want people to tell me flat out, "you're acting nuts" vs. "you're doing OK."

Just as if you were my "real life friends" I guess it's time to tell you a little about this new woman in my life, RHA. We've gone "exclusive" now, the few other women I was dating socially are moved into the "friend" column quite firmly. Some were really nice and I felt like they might have potential, but the magic and the spark and the chemistry with RHA overwhelms those feelings. With her it doesn't feel like it "might have potential" but in fact it feels like a bolt of lightning to the brain, a shot of adrenaline to the heart, a slap upside the head with the goofy stick. :)

Initially, I was a little reluctant to write to her, but I thank my Karma every day that I did. It was the payoff for the last 4 months of pain, of this I have no doubt. I remember 3 1/2 months ago I wrote, after some people said "your blog helped me clarify my thoughts about my own affair, and decide to work on it with my husband before it was too late" saying that I felt absolutely wonderful and inspired that my pathetic little sobbing blob could do that, and I plaintively said, "But where's the Karma payoff for me...when does it come back around?"

Of course, at the time, I thought it meant I should be getting some positive karma in fixing my life with EL. Now I realize, it just meant someday I'd be happy again.

Well, anyway...I was reluctant because I'm just turned 35, and she has just turned 28. I thought there was NO WAY I was going to get involved with someone younger again. Hell, that's a year and a half younger than EL! And maturity was such a big issue with all that, well, I didn't want that particular burn again.

But RHA was different from the start, and had enough information in her "profile" (yes, this was an Internet personal ad thing, I'm not defensive about that really - it was the best way to meet a particular "type" of person looking for similiar goals, namely, just relaxed social dating with no overtones...) that I felt we should at least talk.

She's 28, but she's divorced herself. She was with her ex 9 years - same as me and EL. He also had an affair. He really WAS a control freak, literally had OCD - wouldn't let her clean the house, or do the shopping, or wash the car, or what-have-you, because she "didn't do it right." Checked her work. Criticized it all. Freaked out over tiny diversions from routine. I didn't know all that at the time I first chatted w/her of course but what I'm saying it for is it shows me now that, she's l ived with a REAL control freak, she's not going to put up with that shit ever again in her life and if I have even a SHRED of that in me, she'll set my ass straight pretty quick...

So she has been divorced since July. She owns her own home now, sold her last house w/him. She's a professional person - got her master's in social work, is a licensed social worker and director of social work at a rehab hospital in a town nearby. I just do NOT have any immaturity issues here. She's got her shit together better than I do. :) Not to mention, obviously, a pretty damn good idea of the psychology involved in what we're both dealing with.


But, more...she's funny. She's witty. She's SMART, and in the right ways - not just "educated" but intellectual, opinionated, and philosophical. We have similiar politics, values, and goals in life. Similiar sense of humor. This is a girl who knew why my cat's name was Eric, after all! She suggested going to see Spamalot on Broadway not knowing I like Broadway shows in addition to Monty Python. :)

And, physically? She's beautiful. Makes me lightheaded just thinking about her. Skin like cream-dipped silk, long natural red hair, an adorable and perfect smattering of freckles, long, tall, and slim with legs that go up to her chin. ;) This is the perfect woman in mind, body and soul, my friends.

OK, am I gushing again? ;) Suffice it so say she made me dust off the creative cobwebs and compose a few Haiku which I haven't done since, oh, my wedding maybe? :) Yeah, I'm giddy and goofy and acting like a 17 year old again, and so is she, and we decided not to give a shit about it.

Against all logic, she seems to feel I'm a man she wants to be with...I don't know why, I don't know how, but I'm trying to be optimistic and remember there's more to me than I feel like right now. That may be best of all - she sees past all this pain and angst and reminds me of the man I was - still am, of course...and forget EL and her black, black heart.

OK...so...now you see why I worry sometimes, though. While all that sounds as wonderful as it is, what if she's just the first woman to make me feel this way, just because she IS the first woman to make me feel this way? Am I looking past things I don't see, flaws, etc. because I just want it to be good?

I don't think so, but you see, I worry. On the other hand, we spent from 9pm Friday to 10am this morning together, except for a 7 hour block from noon-7pm Saturday afternoon when we both had some errands to do and she had a big extended family function that she had to TELL them about me at, so, we didn't think it'd be too good an idea to make that the introduction day, too. And in all that time, it was never uncomfortable for a moment. Not. One. Second. Silences are not awkward. Conversation is natural, flowing, and full of life.

So...that's RHA. We seem to be a perfect match. We look in each other's eyes and feel all that magic you're supposed to feel. We know what the risks are and we feel we're foolish if we don't let ourselves have a chance at more than just "casual dating."