Man, I am WRECKED...

OK...so, little recap here...

I haven't updated this topic lately, but, work is still not going well. Overall I'm back, and reasonably engaged, but I know darn well I am NOT producing the desired level of output.

Had a long talk with my therapist on Monday on that subject, actually. To wit: I'm nothing if not self-aware, self-observant and reasonably objective. So I know DAMN WELL what I'm doing -- I'm engaging in purposely self-destructive behavior by slacking off at work and falling behind on goals and deadlines.

Why? I don't know. We had a brainstorming session and came up with various possiblities but the fact is I'm doing it and whatever the reason, I'm doing it willfully no matter how I might lie to myself that I'm not. I just....don't find myself working hard, or fast.

But...something finally "popped" yesterday and suddenly I got the motivation and drive back. I think I finally came to grips with the fact that, while I may miss being in front of a class of people, training - I'm actually in a MUCH better job for me right now. I don't know that I ever explained this, but I write training materials for the call center representatives at my company. Previously, I trained them.

Got the job completely on merit and proven track record, I might add. I have a Kiddie Kollege degree - as in, "Do you want fries with that Associate of Liberal Arts degree?"

If I lose this job, I'm not gonna find another one based only on my resume that will pay even within $15000 of this one. I've also got "flex time" meaning as long as I hit my deadline, it's OK if I come in late and work late, or come in early and leave early, or leave for a 2 hour legal appointment and make up the time at the end of the day, or the next day, or whatever. I can work at home in a pinch. Lotta flexibility I'm not gonna get anywhere else.

And I owe my company anyway. They did right by me the last 7 weeks, it's time for me to repay that...

So, anyway...to catch up...I came in at 7AM Tuesday morning.

Worked until 10PM Tuesday night.

Went over to RHA's house for some pizza, snugglin', and canoodlin'. Yes, I ate PIZZA! (I'm under 230# now by the way, on the way to 220# and thus within about 25# of my goal!)

Left RHA's house at 3AM. No, I won't kiss and tell. Oops, I just did?

Got home at 3:30AM and realized, fuck it, no point in going to sleep as if I do, I'll never wake up in time to get another 12 hour day in that I wanted to.

So, showered and changed clothes, went back to work by 5:30 AM. Am still here now, albiet now blogging at 4:30 and will be leaving after posting this....I definitely put in my hours!

I'm still nowhere near caught up to where I should be, but the thing that was really slowing me down is done and published. So, tomorrow I should make up a LOT of ground very quickly!


Now...thoughts on this...one thing I did that may not be the smartest thing - though I did look this up on the Web first before doing something stupid - in order to stay awake and focused, I doubled up on my ADD medication. Still under the "max dosage" and it's not particularly dangerous or anything....and it definitely had a positive effect. I'm not "wired" or anything, but I am focused and alert and productive. I kinda think, in other words, this is the dosage I should be on.

But - is my psychiatrist gonna freak out when I tell her this? Should I come right out and say, "I took 2 instead of 1 because I read on the Internet the max dosage was still below that amount, and I really did feel productive and alert and able to focus." Or...is she gonna label me a drug-seeking personality and/or worry about my true motives? Apparently this stuff CAN be physically addictive. I'm certain it's not in my case, as I skip it on weekends (per the shrink's advice that is) and could care less. I just don't wanna get her all "suspicious" but it definitely seems like the higher does is "right."

Anyway, be interested in some opinions - maybe I should just say, nah, still not feeling anything at the mid-level dose in hopes she bumps it up another level?

OK...well...time to get outta here and go pick up The Boy and get some grocery shopping done...and RHA is gonna meet us there.

Yeah, I'm giddy, eh? Excited to meet my new girl-friend (as opposed to girlfriend) for an exciting evening of grocery shoppin'. :)