OK, as usual, I read back that last entry and it seemed overly smug.
All in all, I was thinking, "See, this is exactly what EL always says - that I act like I know it all, that I'm arrogant, that I think I know better than her, that I think I know what she's thinking."
I'd be in denial if I said there wasn't some truth to that. Two things I have NEVER tried to hide about EL and me on this blog are that she has VALID OPINIONS on my "anger" and my "arrogance."
I never denied that. (I also never denied that I took her for granted and spent too much time ignoring my family in favor of computers, watching movies, and otherwise being wrapped up in my own crap, but that one isn't relevant right now. Just sayin', I never deny that I had some serious issues…)
But…in this case, I can defend myself. I DO think, in these cases, I know what's right and what's wrong, that I know at least somewhat what she's feeling and thinking, and why she's acting the way she is.
Remember, I've been talking to my own therapist a lot. Not that he'd presume to make a "diagnosis" on EL or anything, just, he agrees there is at least some merit to my thoughts. I've talked to some other marriage counselor types. I've talked to MANY of you from this blog, and others, who have been through this on ALL SDIES of the issue - the formerly wayward wives, the bad husbands, the good wives, etc.
I've read a few books. I've read a lot of websites. Lots of advice sites. Talked to dozens of people face to face about it.
OK? So…this is not just my own personal smug little arrogance talking when I say things like, "EL is heading for a bad crash, she is trying to fill some void in her life with random sex. She has some type of depression or self-esteem issues that cause her to act as if the only way she can attract a man is via sex."
These are real, valid, observations by me and others…and I say this not with smug arrogance (well, ok, there's some spiteful vindication, sure…but not only that…) but with real concern for EL in general. I don't want to see her get hurt this bad.
I don't want to see her end up with STD's. The Other Guy CLEARLY gets around, and one would expect at least some of the women he gets around with also get around, etc…so…this is not alarmist on my point.
Just in this blog, with the 50-odd daily visitors, I believe I've heard of 3 STD scares which, thankfully, all came to naught. (as far as I know?) So consider EL's odds for a bit.
Anyway…also, don't get the idea I'm some sexually repressed prude. I don't necessarily think there is anything wrong with a "swinger" lifestyle or an "open marriage" or any of those other types of relationships couples may choose to enter.
In the CIRCUMSTANCES, though, don't you agree that EL seems to be acting somewhat self-destructively? Is it really possible she woke up one morning, said, "I've been an unhappy wife for 2 years, and clearly the best thing to do now is engage in a swinger lifestyle while divorcing my husband without even trying any counseling, either to save my marriage, or even just for myself."
I don't think so. It may be a lifestyle that can be healthy and rewarding at times for some people, but in the manner she is carrying this out...well, it really seems she is trying to fill a void or solve a problem or escape or what-have-you, through this kind of behavior. She has consistently refused any counseling as well. I've given her my company's benefits line and info several times, always get the eye-roll and "there's nothing wrong with ME" in response.
So…anyway…that's where I'm coming from on this. I can be very smug and very arrogant, but in these last two entries, that's not my intention. I've just come a long way lately and now, while I NEVER want to be married to her anymore, I DO want her to get some sense of perspective over what she is doing, before she does permanent harm to herself or someone else. I still worry about her and wish she'd think about her course of action lately. If that's a "control thing" so be it…
I guess my analogy would be, if I saw my soon-to-be-ex-wife getting involved in drugs or alchohol, and was saying she should get help and realize it's not a solution to her problems…well, would that be a control freak issue? I don't think so. That's where I'm coming from on this. The fact that it's "sex" makes it hard to disassociate with my own jealousies, emotional reactions to the divorce, etc. But I think it's genuine…I just don't like to see the dangerous, psychologically and possibly physically harmful things she's doing.
All in all, I was thinking, "See, this is exactly what EL always says - that I act like I know it all, that I'm arrogant, that I think I know better than her, that I think I know what she's thinking."
I'd be in denial if I said there wasn't some truth to that. Two things I have NEVER tried to hide about EL and me on this blog are that she has VALID OPINIONS on my "anger" and my "arrogance."
I never denied that. (I also never denied that I took her for granted and spent too much time ignoring my family in favor of computers, watching movies, and otherwise being wrapped up in my own crap, but that one isn't relevant right now. Just sayin', I never deny that I had some serious issues…)
But…in this case, I can defend myself. I DO think, in these cases, I know what's right and what's wrong, that I know at least somewhat what she's feeling and thinking, and why she's acting the way she is.
Remember, I've been talking to my own therapist a lot. Not that he'd presume to make a "diagnosis" on EL or anything, just, he agrees there is at least some merit to my thoughts. I've talked to some other marriage counselor types. I've talked to MANY of you from this blog, and others, who have been through this on ALL SDIES of the issue - the formerly wayward wives, the bad husbands, the good wives, etc.
I've read a few books. I've read a lot of websites. Lots of advice sites. Talked to dozens of people face to face about it.
OK? So…this is not just my own personal smug little arrogance talking when I say things like, "EL is heading for a bad crash, she is trying to fill some void in her life with random sex. She has some type of depression or self-esteem issues that cause her to act as if the only way she can attract a man is via sex."
These are real, valid, observations by me and others…and I say this not with smug arrogance (well, ok, there's some spiteful vindication, sure…but not only that…) but with real concern for EL in general. I don't want to see her get hurt this bad.
I don't want to see her end up with STD's. The Other Guy CLEARLY gets around, and one would expect at least some of the women he gets around with also get around, etc…so…this is not alarmist on my point.
Just in this blog, with the 50-odd daily visitors, I believe I've heard of 3 STD scares which, thankfully, all came to naught. (as far as I know?) So consider EL's odds for a bit.
Anyway…also, don't get the idea I'm some sexually repressed prude. I don't necessarily think there is anything wrong with a "swinger" lifestyle or an "open marriage" or any of those other types of relationships couples may choose to enter.
In the CIRCUMSTANCES, though, don't you agree that EL seems to be acting somewhat self-destructively? Is it really possible she woke up one morning, said, "I've been an unhappy wife for 2 years, and clearly the best thing to do now is engage in a swinger lifestyle while divorcing my husband without even trying any counseling, either to save my marriage, or even just for myself."
I don't think so. It may be a lifestyle that can be healthy and rewarding at times for some people, but in the manner she is carrying this out...well, it really seems she is trying to fill a void or solve a problem or escape or what-have-you, through this kind of behavior. She has consistently refused any counseling as well. I've given her my company's benefits line and info several times, always get the eye-roll and "there's nothing wrong with ME" in response.
So…anyway…that's where I'm coming from on this. I can be very smug and very arrogant, but in these last two entries, that's not my intention. I've just come a long way lately and now, while I NEVER want to be married to her anymore, I DO want her to get some sense of perspective over what she is doing, before she does permanent harm to herself or someone else. I still worry about her and wish she'd think about her course of action lately. If that's a "control thing" so be it…
I guess my analogy would be, if I saw my soon-to-be-ex-wife getting involved in drugs or alchohol, and was saying she should get help and realize it's not a solution to her problems…well, would that be a control freak issue? I don't think so. That's where I'm coming from on this. The fact that it's "sex" makes it hard to disassociate with my own jealousies, emotional reactions to the divorce, etc. But I think it's genuine…I just don't like to see the dangerous, psychologically and possibly physically harmful things she's doing.
posted by Fensty at 2:35 PM
2 Comments:
I don't think you are "smug" at all. I think you are sensible. What might be fine for a couple (swinging, open marriage, etc.) is highly unlikely to be fine for young PARENTS or their young CHILDREN.
I wonder how many of her current partners have small children at home? I wonder how many of them come over to her house and clean up her kitchen, do her laundry, and do all of the tedious, boring stuff other than the FUN stuff (i.e. FUCKING).
This really pissed me off about my own wife's screwing around. She complained about cluttered house, "dirty" kitchen floor, etc., but did the guy ever even offer to come and help DO those chores? No. He got screwed and I got SCREWED!
I think we ought to start a web site called "My Crazy, Slutty, Cheating Wife" (maybe there's already a XXX site by that name!). Even better would be a syndicated radio talk show where husbands can call in and talk about this stuff.
Why not parlay this blog into a career??
SH
Well, I HAVE been saying I want to find some sort of career outlet where my voice and stage presence, plus my NON-fear of public speaking/public appearance would work in my favor...
And, my general impression, anecdotal though it may be, from this blog and others is more women are cheating on their men than the other way around. Or at least, it seems to have more effect on people and familes and lives. Maybe that's societal mores (it's "bad" when women do it, but "boys will be boys" when it's men?) or related to the "men cheat for sex, women cheat for love" aspect that makes it more emotionally damaging, I dunno....but....it does seem there'd be a good outlet for a talk-radio show of jilted husbands. :)
Post a Comment
<< Home