RHA Weekend
Well, I struggle with entries now. How much to share, etc. This blog has always been about the marriage and the angst and the problems.
Right now, the only thing on my mind is RHA. It's moving too fast, I know it, but I don't care and neither does she.
We know we're defying conventional wisdom and the "common sense" approach - that thinking we're crazy about each other after knowing each other less than a month, is as stupid as what our spouses went through.
We know that we could be just "rebounding" in a big way.
We know that we can't trust our feelings, because we're both at the same point - done a little dating, but still very "bruised" from the divorce.
We know that we were both starved for attention, starved for good conversation and intellectual fulfillment, for passion and romance for months if not years...
But, there's a problem.
We also know that we love every minute we're together. That the magic and the chemistry is there. That we can talk for hours about nothing, and for hours about everything. That we talk about books, and science, and health, in addition to family, fun, emotions....
We know that there's so much in common, not just the easy cliche stuff like we like the same TV shows, movies, Disney, cars, music, and that our family histories (and divorce stories!) are so similiar. No, we are already at the stage where we know what the other is thinking before it's said. Where I go to her house and notice that she has a picture of me stuck on her monitor, and I have hers on my computer at work. Where neither of us is embarrased to know that about the other. :) Where we know when the other had a bad day from just reading an email or hearing their voice. So much more, you know? We connect. Emotionally, physically, spiritually.
HAH. I read this back and see myself gushing on and on. But, this is suddenly where I am.
Fact is, despite that we both know how "dangerous" feelings like this are right now, we've decided we're adults, we're both smart and self-aware, so screw it, we're going to enjoy it and let it be what it is. Great rewards come at the risk of great pain, if we get hurt, well, we could get hurt every day some other way anyway.
My therapist tells me don't worry about it - that despite "conventional wisdom" saying not to get serious or involved so soon, it's bullshit - for all you know the first person you date could be "the soulmate" (to oversimply, not that I necessarily buy that whole terminology) so you'd be a fool to limit yourself.
What do you think, though? It does seem unlikely, doesn't it? Two people in the same stage of divorce, both only having dated a few people very "lightly" - suddenly feeling like they found the person they should have been with all along?
Well, the fact is I was with her last night and this morning (yeah, yeah...but let's not go there...) and will be tonight too, and tomorrow we're taking The Boy to Chuck E. Cheese's. And if I can see her every night next week, I will.
Am I in love? Yeah, I feel like it. So does she. We talk about it whether we "should" or not.
Crazy?
posted by Fensty at 7:02 PM
6 Comments:
I've gotten the impression that you were (up until several months ago) happy in your marriage. I have read that widows/widowers who were happily married tend to re-marry much more quickly than those who were unhappily married.(See Paul McCartney.) They also tend to stay married. I realize you aren't a widower, but it may apply in your case. As for her, well, I hope that she is as honest with her feelings as you have been. If you feel things are proceeding too quickly, maybe you two could set up a boundary like "we won't even discuss marriage until 2006" or later, so that you can both be relieved of committment pressure.
Enjoy yourself. It's great to find someone who is fun to hang out with.
My impression is that you are feeling guilty because you can see your ex is headed for a fall and you tried, but couldn't stop her. That's dedication, and it shows were a good partner. You've got to let that go, though.
You can have fun with someone new. Someone who could potentially be your lifemate.
One warning, contraception is very important. This is not the time to add a baby into the mix.
EH who usually emails you because I thought you had to register to post a comment. D'oh!
Just in case that "should" meant sex, I remembered some advice that I was told eons ago. I was warned against rushing into sex without the usual guilt and religion talk. It went something like this: If you have sex early on, and it's great, then you risk being in a relationship where one or both of you stays in even when it isn't working in other areas,just for the sex. If the sex isn't good you risk losing the relationship because you aren't "physically compatible."
If you wait, and have a history of shared experiences and a strong bond and the sex is good, great! If you wait, and the sex isn't good, you've both invested enough time to know each other well enough that you will want to stay together, so it's likely that you will work to improve your physical relationship until it is good. Hey. Mom tried.
Take Care, EH
Eh, life is short, magic is rare. I say have as much fun as you can, but maybe agree on a set timeline (like a year or so) before you move on to anything beyond the casual.
I was engaged within one month and married within three. that was five years ago. I still love him. I wasn't really on the re-bound, as such, but hadn't really been alone for very long, and things were a bit mixed up at the start, but ultimately we knew.
JD... really, whats the worst that can happen? You get dumped? 99% of the relationships you had before EL, and then eventually sort of even that one ended that way... so what's the harm, right?
Just be really careful that you aren't just using RHA to have "Somoene"... as a loneliness filler... and I agree with the commenter who said to just take it slow. Even if you're madly in love, doesn't mean you have to do anything but date exclusively. If you were talking marriage, kids, joint property ownership I would say you were nuts.
Like I tell all my other friends, you don't really know someone until you spend 2-3 weeks straight with them (like vacation or every day), so keep spending time. Lots of it. It's easy for you to see only the positive side of someone for the first 4 months of a relationship, or for someone to "be on their best behaviour" if you only see them on weekends.. so get past that and then see if you both still feel the same way. Maybe you'll still feel the same way, but really I'd think you should be more worried if you weren't gushing one month into a new relationship.
This is why I have a blog. Thanks for the reality check. :) Maybe, in fact, I've been wrong and 'conventional wisdom' doesn't say not to do this, since there are, what, 10 opinions here and all saying not to worry.
Two clarifications: We're not crazy and talking about marriage, or property ownership, or children. :) Just...we look in each other's eyes and we say, "This is love, I've felt it before." Then we talk about if we're crezy or not. :)
And so, "should or shouldn't" didn't refer to sex, but, should or shouldn't we be letting ourselves feel so crazy in love with each other.
I'm not sure I want this to be a blog about my sex life. :) Though, it's been damn helpful in all other respects...probably could help there, too, eh?
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