In The Spirit of the "Letter Never To Be Sent..."

Lately, I've had this desire to lash out at EL a bit, laugh at her even, rub it in, be spiteful.

I think in some ways I'm above that, but obviously in a lot of ways clearly seen on this blog over the last 4 months, I'm not above it at all.

So, here's my mental release exercise. Here are all the things I'd like to say, that I most likely, never will.

If it helps, let's think of this as "The Letter / Conversation I'll have with EL after the paperwork is signed." But in reality I don't think I'd ever give it to her / tell her this stuff. For a variety of reasons:

• Fear of the consequences (legal)

• Fear of the consequences (EL's mental state)

• Not wanting to be spiteful

• Wanting to stay "above it all"

• Not wanting to stoop to my baser instincts

• Not seeing the point in berating or belittling her more than I already have

• Having the wisdom to realize all this is just MY opinion and really isn't worth shit past that no matter how sound or logical it may seem to me

• Seeing that it ultimately does nothing but makes me the asshole.

OK, that said, let 'er rip.... Wow, is this ever a screed. A diatribe. A flat out ass-raping humiliation-o-fest, but fuck it, it's just therapy...


EL:

You know, lately, there are so many things I've come to realize. So many things I want to tell you...that I just can't keep quiet because, well, I need to say them for my own sanity.

I have come a long way in all this. I've gone from blaming myself, to blaming you, to realizing it was mutual - but then back to, in the main, blaming you.

Do you know, I feel sorry for you now? I no longer feel love, or desire, or regret, or much guilt, or shame.

I feel compassion, and pity for you. I also feel you're getting exactly what you deserve.

You might want to look up the term "Schadenfrude." I know, I'm a prick who likes to use "big words" to make people feel stupid - in your eyes. In my eyes, I'm someone who's intelligent and articulate and makes his living with words, so, it's my job to know a lot of them just like it's your mother's job to know a lot of diseases of the elderly and your job to know about the products you sell, and my brother's job to know how to...whatever the hell you have to know how to do to be a network engineer...

So, I'll no longer feel bad because I happen to have a vocabulary. It's who I am. It's my job, and it became my job because it's my nature. One of the joys of vocabulary is know just that right word to get the whole heart and soul of meaning across.

So anyway, "Schadenfreude."

I won't deny there's a twisted satisfaction in watching you slowly come apart at the seams.

You baked this cake, now you get to eat it. I hope you enjoy every last bite.

Cruel and spiteful? Yep. Meant from the heart? Probably not, but meant from that part of my heart that was so beaten up by all this that I spent 2 months believing everything that ever went wrong was all my fault. From that part that even at Thanksgiving still thought I could look beyond all this and save our marriage. From the part that will never REALLY forgive you for throwing all of our life away and dooming The Boy to a life of divorced parents, for your own pathetic desire to feel......what?

We don't know, do we? You really don't know what you're looking for or what you are trying to accomplish, do you? I don't feel you ever thought this through, and I don't feel you have a clue as to what you really want and need.

And I'm not saying I do. I don't have any idea what is so fundamentally damaged in you that you try to substitute sexual attention for love, sexual chit-chat and fantasy for true intellectual stimulation/satisfaction, divorce for "freedom", flirting for genuine interest.

But I know there is something very sick going on with you. Sending yourself flowers 3 days in a row, with fake cards signed with the name of a person you dated once...is very unhealthy. Trying to make a married man jealous of another guy YOU are seeing (not that you really are of course) is sick and twisted. And, sorry to say, pathetic.

I once loved you, I once respected you. It still hurts me to see you lower yourself, make yourself some guy's whore, debase yourself and act so foolish, pathetic, naive and hopeless as to try such things.

He's MARRIED EL! MARRIED! He's NOT going to be jealous of some other guy in your life, he's going to be RELEIVED that there's someone there to take the heat off him.

OG is sweating his ASS off anymore, now that you are single with your own place...you even gave him a KEY! He's completely freaked now, he knows you suddenly expect him to spend more time with you and he just can't do that. He can't because he never wanted to and certainly doesn't now. You know that on some level, somewhere, you have to know the truth.

You are his piece of ass on the side, and he has no intentions of ever making you anything else. Why should he? He gets all the sex with none of the baggage. Just like he gets it from other women in his life. I don't really know that, but I'm pretty sure. I do know he sent his wife AND another woman flowers for Valentine's day...but not you. Will he be spending Valentine's day with you? Of course not. Oh, maybe a quick nooner at your place, maybe a gift of lingerie or something.....but probably not that. Just the nooner. Because he knows - you'll buy the lingerie and put it on in a desperate attempt to hold his attention past his orgasm.

So after the nooner, back to work, then out that night with his wife. He'll tell you how much he hates going out with her, how awful it is, how she nags or whatever...but, funny, he always seems to do it anyway. Never seems to want to just say, "Hell with her, I don't care what she thinks, I'm going to see you tonight, my love..." Why is that? You know why. Look at yourself in the mirror and see if you can admit it - because you know you're his diversion and that's all.

Let's talk, for a moment (sorry family who may read this...) about home made porn. Yes, I've seen several of the photos OG has taken of you.

Couple questions?

One: Why is it his face never appears...have you given any thought to that at all? He's happy to make sure YOUR face is visible, along with his rather undignified looking unit, but not his. He's also happy to forward your pictures around to all his friends, did you know that? And why not, not like there's anything identifiable of HIM in them - though his wife just might recognize his anatomy.

Two: Look at your face in these pictures, your posture, your body language. Now look at the ones taken by you and your husband back in 1996. What's the biggest difference you see?

If you answered, "my body" then I really do feel bad - it shows that that is all you really see even of yourself. That that's all you expect anyone else could ever see, either.

But you know what I notice? Not your body - anyone would look a bit different 8 years and a 7lb baby later, wouldn't they?

Nope - look at your eyes, and your body language. What do you see? In 1996 I see a person aglow with fun, fire, and passion. Mirth as well as heat in your eyes, playful expression, natural beauty. Excitement and playfulness in having a good time where a camera just happens to be involved as well.

In 2005 I see desperation in your eyes, too much makeup, a false unnatural smile, and body language that says, "I'm uncomfortable as hell, but this is how I'll get noticed, this is how I'll feel good about myself."

Surely some of that is my own perception, of course. But...not all. Were I to clip a "face shot" or two from both sets of pictures, and put them somewhere, and not explain why but ask for 100 random people to do a sort of psychology experiment, "Describe the emotions this woman is feeling" - I'm pretty sure one picture would tilt heavily towards, "fun, excitement, desire, mischieviousness" and the other towards, "sadness, hopeless, desperate, alone."


Why do you feel that way? What are you trying to accomplish? I really don't know. I do know that I no longer want to be part of your experiment. I think you need to get some help for yourself, because you are heading for the crash of your life, and do you really think your mother, the OG, or your friends (the ones who know the truth about OG are scum, and the ones who don't - how are you going to tell them?) will support you and help you through it when it happens? I don't.

"Good luck with all.... that....."



I'm happier without you. I was happy dating even though it is (was?) a stressful and weird new experience. I'm happy in my job again, or at least getting there. And of course now that I've met RHA, no matter if it's a "rebound" thing or not.....it's honest, it's open, it's real, and it's wonderful.


You know what you are missing out on, EL? Everything that makes a relationship truly worth having. The ability to call your mate whenever the mood strikes you, whether your mate be home or work or mobile. I can call RHA at home, at work, on her cellphone any time I wish.

You're missing the joy of being in love and sharing it with everyone around you. I had flowers sent to her at work today, and didn't have to make a fake card. She called me at home to tell me how happy she was, I missed the call, so when I called back - I had her paged over the loudspeaker and the receptionist was giggling the whole time. RHA's friends, and mine, are constanly telling us how happy we look all the time. How thrilled they are for us.

You are missing out on going out in public. Have you noticed, maybe, that OG doesn't seem to take you out as you're accustomed to? That when he does, it has to be with a group of friends - some who may know what's going on, some who may not - but never can you walk down the mall, hand in hand, laughing and holding on and having fun looking in each other's eyes with love.

You are missing out on being introduced, and introducing, your mate to other people as, "This is my boyfriend, OG" and "This is my girlfriend, EL." You can't go to a restaurant together for a quiet meal, a glass of wine, and a few hours of warm quiet conversation about love, respect, the future, the past.

You are missing out on being able to share small public displays of affection that are the closest our society allows to the desire that we often have to stand up on a table, and shout to the whole restaurant or bar or food court, "This is my RHA! I LOVE her! You don't know what you're missing, suckers! She loves me too! We're CRAZY for each other and we don't care who knows it, because we have the power and the passion of the madly in love electrifying every cell in our bodies!"

Hell, you're missing out on really shouting that if you really felt like it, which, if you are truly in love - you would want to do, every day, and sometime you just might do it because no heart can hold in that much emotion forever.

You are missing out on spending the night in your lover's arms, in a warm bed with a big fluffly comforter over the top of the two of you, the sweet sensation of skin on skin and shared body heat giving you that warm, all over feeling of utter contentment, happiness, belonging.

What do you get? Furtive quick nooners or evenings with a lover who has to leave your apartment in time to get home at an hour that won't make his wife suspicious.

You have to sit in your living room and watch OG make sure his clothes are straight, that there are no hairs of the wrong color or length clinging to him, that no traces of makeup or perfume or worse are anywhere on him. Listen as he brushes his teeth carefully, or chews gum, or otherwise covers up the smell of what's been going on. How does it make you feel to know he has to hide all that from everyone else?

But I walk happily - even, dare I say, swagger cockily - out of my dear RHA's house at 8AM with my disheveled hair and wearing last night's clothing with a secret (or not so secret, beaming in fact) smile on my face, hand in hand with my love, with nothing to hide and nothing to be ashamed of.

Sharing a last kiss on the doorstep before we leave for work. Knowing confidently we're in love and all is right with the world. Whereas you or OG slinks out of whatever place has become the seat of lust for the last few hours, avoiding eye contact with those around you, wondering if "they know", wondering what it all means to you - how does he really feel? When will we be able to be together and stop the charade?

Self-righteous? No, my dear - that's what you SHOULD feel when you're in clean, honest love. It's hardly self-righteous of me to say that you should be ashamed of yourself for what you are and what you do with OG. No society on Earth that I'm aware of, no civilization anywhere, even implies an adulterer should have no shame.

So you may be saying, "So what? This is just a fling. It was fuck-buddies, nothing more. OG isn't why I left you, OG isn't anyone I really think I want to be with."

Besides the fact that your actions CLEARLY speak louder than your words...by which I mean, $200 in flowers to try to play mind games, and expensive lingerie, and self-porn pictures taken and sent to other men and women in hopes of gaining that elusive threesome partner you think you need to provide for OG to keep him interested.... No, besides that fact - what if you DO end it with OG and attempt to find a "real" mate?

Will it ever be the same? Will you ever be able to look at that mate and say, this was a much better choice than staying with the father of my child, the husband of 9 years, the friend and companion?

I won't, as a part of me will always wish that somehow it hadn't turned out this way. But I will love and respect and cherish the new person in my life, and I will do that because I will know, in my heart that I tried. That I didn't want this, not when it started. That I was willing to try to fix a marriage that was not a bad thing.

Then I will look into my new love's eyes and feel the joy and completeness that comes with love untainted by second thoughts or what could have been. Because I will know that I tried. I may have failed, but I tried. I will bask in the love and warmth and energy of a new love and a new life, learning from the past and loving the present. I will look back, in bittersweet memories, and forward to a future unscarred by those memories, knowing I am happier and better off and a better partner to my new love.

I will not lie to myself and pretend I have no regrets, as you keep telling yourself and anyone you can make listen - and it rings hollow. You protest too much. You know full well what you had, what you threw away, and the empty stupid selfish reasons you did it.

Will you ever find your self-respect again? Will you always feel the mark of adultery on you? I don't mean a one night stand or even a brief affair - but the deeply burned mark of shame that comes from months of being the "other woman." You once made the laughable statement, "Anything that makes me this happy - can't be wrong."

Really? And what about now, when you realize, you're not happy being the piece of ass on the side anymore? Did it just BECOME wrong, or, do you now realize it was wrong all along?

A moment of weakness can be understood. Even a brief affair, lost in the fantasy...can be understood. But not 4 months of whoring yourself to a married man....that's not to be forgiven. You knew full well what you were doing, after a few weeks the excusable moment of weakness becomes an inexcusable, willful, immoral, disgusting display of lust, ignorance, and callousness.


You may have thought our marriage was over, but it wasn't. It is now. It has been ever since I came to the realization that most of the things you accused me of were convienent excuses to behave the way you wanted. Excuses you could tell yourself, your family, your friends.

I don't know what your real motives are - you probably don't know yourself, and you refuse to even consider having a counselor or therapist help you explore them and find them. But the outcome was that you wanted some sexual/emotional fulfillment you weren't getting from me, so you set about finding it elsewhere and used whatever justification for that you could find.

Our marriage was fixable. The problems were so common, so ordinary, and so resolvable.

I don't deny them, I don't even deny many of them were "my fault" in terms of things I was doing or not doing that I should have figured out a lot sooner.

But how hard would it have been to talk to me about them, to try to see what could change. You had no interest in that, none, and to me that speaks volumes.

It means you have no respect for yourself, or our son.
It means you preferred giving up to working on it.
It means you sought out excuses instead of solutions.


I don't want to be married anymore, EL. You have made me realize a few things, things people have been telling me since the beginning:

You really don't love me, or you wouldn't have acted the way you did. (Well, to your credit I guess actually, YOU did say all along you didn't love me anymore. I was the one who couldn't believe it. So, I take that one back. I did realize it, but by your actions, not your words.)

I am mentally healthier without you.

I can get more personal fulfillment with somone else.

I deserve better than you in a mate.

I am not the bad person you made me out to be, and I believed. I did a pretty good job of convincing myself and half the people who read my blog that I really was an out of control rage-maniac on the verge of a murderous rampage. Where the hell did that come from? How did you manage to debase me to the point I actually believed that so deeply about myself? I've been analyzed to hell and back the last 4 months by professionals, amateurs, friends, and strangers, and about 3 people have felt I had any violence or control issues.

I am human, I have failings, but I will learn from them and improve.


Remember the letter I wrote you in November? The one where I talked about how I was going to make the positive changes in my life I needed to make, for myself, for The Boy, and you could share in them if you'd just have given the effort to try? Guess what - time for me to gloat.

One nice thing about my weblog is the historical aspect of it. Let's see, concisely, these are the things I said:

"I'm improving my physical health."

Damn straight. Under 230# now, awake and alert more than before. Actually HAPPY sometimes. A new man at work. The goals I set for myself aren't here yet - not really getting enough exercise yet, but the rest are - only 40lbs to lose by August to make that goal...that's a pound a week. It's in the bag. I found out my "resting pulse" goal was a bit unrealistic...it's currently at 70 and that's fine. BP hasn't moved a millibar from 120/70 since I started this. Cholesterol I don't know but I'll have that next week. If it didn't move dramatically, then, I guess I'll need meds because I eat almost NO dietary cholesterol and almost no fats.

"I've taken steps to improve my mental state."

Shit yeah. Happy most of the time now. And not just since I met RHA either, though damn right that's helped. The physical health has had a direct impact on this. I feel better all day long. I"ve got energy. I feel alive. People who barely noticed me before flirt with me openly now - and I think that's the confidence and attitude that comes with mental/physical health more than any outward physical appearance differences. The ADD medication and the Prozac combined with the diet, the changes in my attitude, and so on have made a dramatic difference. I don't know who I am anymore half the time.

"I'm noticing you and The Boy and what you mean to me more than before."

Well, obviously, not you so much. Unless you count that I've come full circle and noticed you for the person in need of help that you are. But The Boy? Well, again, I'm not sure this "goal" was entirely fair because I look back now, and his relationship with me was always fine. You had me thinking I damaged my son somehow by working so hard I wasn't home 'till 7, and going downstairs to play with my computer once it was time for him to go to bed. That may have been an awful way to treat YOU, but not him. What has happened since though is we're ever closer. I know you've noticed, too, haven't you? Now when he gets hurt, he doesn't look for "Mommy" he looks for whichever parent he's with - so, half the time, me. "I missed Daddy!" "Daddy, kiss it make it better!" "Daddy I want a hug!" are things I hear every day now. Didn't hear them so much before, not because they weren't true, I don't feel, but because when we were together, he naturally gravitated toward you. So you ARE responsible for he and I getting closer that we might've been under other circumstances. Regardless, my relationship with my son is an amazing thing that cannot get better.

"I'm dressing better to feel better about myself and possibly earn more respect from my coworkers and my wife."

Bought new clothes after Christmas that are loose already. Tucked into my new jeans, a new shirt now forms a sraight line from my chest to my thighs. The gut-line is gone. :)

Vain and shallow sounding? Fuck you, I earned it with every goddamn calorie I didn't eat and every extra glass of water I drank.


You could have been the beneficiary of all that, but frankly, I'm glad you aren't, now.

You are going to realize it soon.

You. Fucked. Up.

I've seen you and talked to you a few times lately, EL, and you know, you look and sound like shit, no offense really intended. I say that with pity and concern. You are miserable and angry and we both know why - you fucked up. It's too late to save your marriage, but not yourself - call a counselor or a therapist, your work's help line, your pastor....something.

You had it all, and you pissed it away. You HAD the dream romance you wanted, you just didn't know how to nurture it. The fire was out but the spark was there and we could have built it up again.

But now I realize, I would have been foolish to try. You cannot hide your true nature forever. Mine is not the black thing you make it out to be - but yours is. "The fantasy of the affair" is no longer an excuse for the dark, rotten part inside you that allows you to be this way. Nobody can carry on the way you have and blame it all on someone else or living in a fantasy. You are what you are.

I really don't feel "better" having written all this, but I do feel cleaner, and free.

Good luck. Really - get some help, will you please? If you don't know you need it, then I'm even MORE worried about you. Nobody could be in that much denial.

-JD

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Wow, I'm fuckin' awful. But, it did need to be done. I'll never send it, hell I wasn't sure I'd even POST it, but what the fuck else did I write it for.

In fact, I think, this entry I'm gonna make the only one I constantly re-edit on the fly as the mood strikes me, and update the date/time on it. So....whenever I think of that particularly good point, cutting jibe, or insulting observation, I'm gonna open this up and add it in.

Man, I don't want to THINK how long this rant'll be in a month if I do that.

Sorry for the long post, been working on this one a few days now.