Some updates....

Things are still slow in the angst department. :) Just not a lot of stuff to talk about.

But it did occur to me that in it's role as a journal of dates/times/discussion, I should pop in an update in about EL and me talking on Sunday.

We finally put some things down on paper in terms of what we want in our seperation of property and custody agreements.

Property-wise, she continues to concede everything except the house equity.

So:

We each keep our cars, debts, bank accounts, credit cards, etc. None of that was ever held jointly anyway in a "title" sense, only in the legal sense of joint property. So, it's all very logical who gets what there's really nothing even to argue over - we both know who owns what without really having to quibble. Very little in the house was ever a "collective" gift to both of us, almost every single item in the home has a rather obvious "owner." (again, in the familiar sense. Legally yeah it's all joint property but we're not arguing over anything. The curtains was the biggest issue...lol)

Furniture and such, has already been divided without any hassles.

So, really, it came down to the house. She seemed to not care, she just said, "Look, just give me a number and stick to it." So, I said, how about $5000 to buy you out. She said "fine" without blinking an eye.

I definitely feel I'm coming out ahead, not that I don't DESERVE to with all of this, so, good.


Custody, we also aren't arguing. She threw out "what about 3 days 2 days instead of 4 days 3 days" and I don't think she really meant anything sneaky about that, just that her simple little brain can't handle any of the complicated arrangements I offered so that it wouldn't always be the same days each week.

She really kept saying that. I was like, "Why don't we set it up like it goes 4/3/3/2 and then repeats."

She constantly said, "That will be too complicated." WTF? Ruining her whole life was easy, but remembering the order 4/3/3/2 is complicated? Especially considering we can just get two wall calendars (I happen to have two free ones from the drugstore right here on my desk!) and just write out all of 2005 on the calendar. I INSIST on doing something like that anyway so we can both schedule doctor appointments and things of that nature ahead of time.

I think I need to push back on that a little.

We agreed that the child support DOLLARS will be calculated as if he is spending 182 days with each of us, as in, 50/50 time. Even if in reality we agree to a different amount of time per parent.



The only other thing we had anything even remotely resembling an argument about is who gets to claim The Boy's tax deduction. Again her logic is so ass-backwards...at least, I think?

She says, "Well, you get the house so you'll get that big deduction, so I should get to claim The Boy."

I'm thinking - what's the logic there? You'll have your own house someday if you want one, but we only have one son. I'm keeping the house, sure, and I'm keeping all the mortgage that goes with it, which is what the tax break is for!

I'm also thinking - I'm the parent who's paying the other parent child support dollars. Doesn't that mean I should have him on my tax return, since I'm the one paying out the money?

Frustrating. So we didn't really agree on anything there, though we will ask the lawyers what is "normal" in a case like this.


So, I also ask anyone reading this - what do YOU think? What "usually" happens with a child's tax deduction in these cases?



All other things are the same. To answer a few comments on the last entry:

EL is going to turn 30 in a month. I turned 35 in December.

RHA, by the way, turned 28 in December. I've already commented, though, how that had me concerned but now I'm feeling it's gonna be alright.


SH asked some stuff about The Boy - he is holding up fine. Luckily, and it makes it a lot easier. He does seem to be a little too young to really grasp the significance of him living at "Mommy's house" some days and "Daddy's house" other days.

He knows we both love him very much and so he's doin' alright. When he's with me he doesn't miss his Mommy really, and I hope that's the same when he's with her.

The grandparents are still a pain in my ass - for example, my mother in law continues to feed him FUCKING MARSHMALLOWS for breakfast in the morning.

I pack him a baggie of cut banana slivers and cut grapes, and some toast for him to eat on the way to their house, and when I get him there, she takes that away and gives him a bowl of marshmallows.

That is going to stop, I am talking to EL tonight and explaining that from now on, I'm not leaving my house with The Boy until he's already eaten a nutritious breakfast.

So....EL is self destructing and it's painful to watch, but I no longer care anywhere near as much. She's still treating The Boy OK and he's all I care about now. EL will have to drag her own self out of the gutter someday, or not, but I can't help her.


SH also asked if I think get getting help back 3 months ago might've changed things, especially if I'd told the guy's wife. I don't know, but you wanna hear something, everyone?



Listen closely...


Guess what. Im fucking GLAD I didn't get back together with her. I'm GLAD my delaying telling his wife might've made it so we can not be married ever again. Hell yes.

NO, that's not just my "I'm happy dating RHA" voice talking either. Don't think I don't know that, much as I want it to be true love forever with RHA, it migth not fall apart in 3 months as we (or just one of us, God forbid) decide it was all a rebound... So I'm well aware not to fall into the whole, "I found a soulmate, screw EL" fantasy.

Nope...it's just....no way, people. No WAY could I stay married. I've seen her, and her family, and her friends, and a lot of other people and situations for what they truly are.

In fact, I'm starting to consider the possibility that ALL of this shit about what an abuser, bad husband, etc. I was is just bullshit. Complete bullshit.

Neglectful husband? Guilty.

But the rest, I don't even buy any of it anymore. She's been depressed and unhappy for a long time, sure. Some of that due to me and my taking her for granted, my laziness around the house, and so on. But......from the get-go she's tried to fill that unhappiness with everything except the one thing that might have worked - hard work and self-analysis and working with her husband to fix it.

Instead, she's acted like a stupid teenager. Affair with the married guy. Disregarding his wife's feelings completely I might add. Sexual experimentation. Alchohol. Cybersex. Arranging to meet people in hotels for sex - which, pardon me for being a know-it-all, but I think she is DAMN LUCKY that never did work out for her and she kept getting "stood up." Refusing to see reality - that the married guy never intended to leave his wife, and other things she's denied herself the ability to see. Blaming me, letting her mother blame me, taking no responsibility for anything. Taking trips with her mother and son and leaving her husband at home. Not once trying to talk to her husband about any of this.


LOL - not that some of you who've been reading the blog for 4 months haven't been trying to tell me (some of) that all along! But it's finally sinking in.


I will never stop saying I could have been a better husband, worked harder, taken my family for granted less. But when it came down to it I wanted to fix it and she didn't.

Now, I guess it's my turn. I don't want to fix it anymore. I realized, holy FUCK, I'm happier alone. The Boy is doing OK. He and I are happier and closer than ever. My job is slowly coming back around. My personal "fulfillment" is back.



I was at the shrink yesterday and in talking about the medication and stuff it was a pain - I cannot figure out how to attribute any of these good feelings.


Is it the medication?
Is it just time healing wounds?
Is it the therapy?
Is it the new diet / healthy body?
Is it the new outlook on my job and work/life balance?
Is it the confidence of going on dates with really fun, smart, attractive women and having meetings of the mind?
Is it the closer relationships with friends and family?


I'm not obtuse, obviously, it's some combination of all these factors...but things are lookin' up. I don't WANT EL around anymore. I am glad she's gone, and that's not just bitterness or spite, that's the simple truth.

But anyway, with all the positive changes and mood changes, it's hard to tell if the meds have had any affect.

The ADD medication, in fact, DEFINITELY has. I should have mentioned, I admitted to my shrink that I combined meds to up my dose to 54mg and it made a difference, so she trusted me enough to just write me the scrip for that. (She and I both knew that even if I had just said, "I dunno, the Concerta seems to help a tiny bit now that you upped it from 18 to 36..." she'd just have upped it to 54 anyway.)

I am more focused at work, more alert, and the only side effect I've noticed from that is a lack of appetite which, if you ask me, is just one more benefit! No problems sleeping, no problems waking up. Er, no more than usual, anyway. In fact even THAT is easier as now I set my alarm an hour early, take the med when it goes off, and that way in an hour, I can't sleep if I wanted to. (No, it's not like "speed", I'm not dependant on the stuff, but it amps up the brain just enough to make sleep seem as boring as it really is...but this trick doesn't work if I had less than a fair 7-8 hours sleep, so, I don't feel this is an unhealthy "trick" or anything...)

The Prozac on the other hand...I dunno. I know it's hard to tell - do I feel so much better in general because of all those things listed, above and not the Prozac? OR, did the Prozac allow that list of things above to be things that made me feel better?

Hard to say, but in any case, doc knocked it down 10mg back to 30 so we'll see in a few weeks. My bet? It's not the Prozac, and I'll not notice any difference.

OK this turned into the typical long rambly entry. Time to leave, going to RHA's tonight.

(I've been at work adding a paragraph at a time to this in between editing lessons....see, I AM more productive!! :) )