This Salon thing just gets more amusing...
Wow. OK, now I'm the topic of a ton of letters to the editor... :)
http://www.salon.com/mwt/letters/2005/02/16/wifes_affair/
Not sure how long that link will work, apparently tomorrow it will be a front-page link as well so I'm not sure if it might migrate.
Amazin'. And funny. And ironic as I'd mostly decided I no longer give a shit and if I DO tell anyone, it'll be a phonecall from me to OG and not involve the wife at all.
OK, well, that might be a lie. I do still kinda wanna tell her, but I realize that's the "bad motives" talking and not the good ones.
What about splitting the difference, I wonder? What about calling the wife and just saying, simply, "Look, if you don't already know this...stop having sex with your husband and get some tests. And talk to him." I mean, it's obvious why someone would call her like that, and probably mean and nasty and scary.
But ethically, is it better or worse?
posted by Fensty at 8:42 PM
3 Comments:
I think it all exemplifies that you'll never get a clear answer. Everyone is colored by their own experiences, from their religion and the way they were raised, to the experiences they've had cheating or being cheated on.
I do find the issue of getting tested interesting though. To me, it almost implies that the person doing the cheating doesn't care about their own health. Because if they do, they're going to want to make sure they're protected or have investigated their partner's sexual health. Granted, they have more of a choice than the person in the relationship.
It's also quite an assumption that the wife isn't already using barrier protection with her husband. My X2B and I used condoms for 9 out of the 10 years we were married, with no oral sex. Therefore, an STD wouldn't have been passed from one of us to the other if we had been cheating.
But the whole question is about assumptions, isn't it? The only safe thing to do is to keep it to yourself.
Wow. What a raft of answers you got, JD. You created a monster. (Did you contact that Dutch journalist yet?)
My favorite is:
Adultery can mean death these days.
The OG is obviously a scumbag, and unless you have reason to believe his wife is a scumbag, she deserves to know the truth.
I also like the responses from women who were cheated on and who prefer to know the truth.
(BTW, STDs such as Herpes *can* be passed despite condoms. Nine years of condoms, Kayten?? Sheesh. I can't stand nine MINUTES of condoms. After my cheating wife and I started having sex again after the affair (but before our tests came back), I used condoms a few times...and it was AWFUL. I either couldn't stay hard, or couldn't come. What a disaster.)
SH
I never expected a "clear answer." I'm merely curious as to the opinions of others. It's taken on a life of it's own, it's fascinating.
Interestingly, Kayten, you seem to be one of the very, very few people who HAVE been in such a situation (unless I'm confusing your backstory with someoen else's) who thinks I should not tell.
Perhaps not surprisingly, as far as I can recall, EVERY person who has said they were involved in any way with an affair, has said they'd tell.
Only those who have never been in the situation say not to.
I'm not sure what that means in terms of bias, but it's interesting. Obviously being in a situation color's one's views, but I'm not saying it makes them more or less valid.
All in all, it's nothing more than a mental exercise at this point. I've decided not to decide until my divorce is final, it's so likely it'll blow itself outta the water before that anyway.
If it doesn't, though...right now I'm leaning pretty heavily towards telling. But that pendulum swings all over the place so who knows? Like I said, we'll see how I feel when it's final.
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