Wednesday Early AM - Holy SHIT

All I can say is, settle in and sit down, this is gonna be a long one.

And, it's going to be a completely different blog entry than it WOULD have been, if EL and I hadn't just had a long talk. I was so pissed before we talked I was sure it was over. I thought "My bubble finally burst, I've seen enough, it's done, over - fucking finished as of now." But, not so much now.

Let's do it this way...first, quick update: I am off for 3 weeks on FMLA leave from work. I still have paid vacation to use, I took the FMLA to "cover" me legally.

I have an appointment with another lawyer on Thursday, as well as a therapy session that evening. If nobody raises any big objections, I'll still be taking the trip to visit my sister in NY for the weekend with The Boy, and then the long road trip to Florida for a few days after that.

I talked to my Dad tonight, let him know I'd like to come down, they were OK with that. He also gave me the advice that it's time to move on, stop thinking there's any outcome coming from this but a divorce, and to make my preparations and cover my ass, etc.



OK...well, here's what I wanted to call this blog entry. Either, "What a DECIETFUL BITCH!" or, "Don't Kill The Goose That Lays the Golden Eggs, JD!"

Why?

Well...and it always happens this way, doesn't it - I went out to the garage to look in her car tonight, about 1 AM. She was asleep upstairs. I'm sleeping downstairs the last few days. (I love my fireplace!) I was actually just going to look to see if she got the mail, but I won't lie - of COURSE I was going to look for any lawyer envelopes, things like that.

But - here's a weird one. The car was locked. In the garage, locked. She has NEVER done that in her life. Now, under normal circumstances I'd have thought maybe she just hit the button by accident or something. But these aren't normal, are they?

So, what would YOU do? Well I don't know, but what I did was figure out where the keys were. The spare set was NOT hanging on the rack where it should be - OK, this doesn't look like an accident. I wouldn't have torn the house apart, but her jacket was right there so I thought, let's see - sure enough keys in the jacket. Hit the button to open the door and went downstairs.

Looked in the trunk - logically I thought that's where whatever she didn't want me to see would be, but it wasn't. Hmm. Looked thru some mail scattered on the backseat, found my magazine and the results from the last time I gave blood (no "good" news yet, still a way-high 230 cholesterol, but we'll see what it is NEXT time I donate on 12/29!) and then, just because why not, slid my hand under the seat. A large pile of papers there.

I honestly thought I'd find some legal crap. Wrong.

No - all I could think was, "Thank you, EL!" Because what I had in my hand was 19 page Email chain between her and The Guy. Ended the affair my ASS. Dated 11/15 (Monday) and containing things that are so filthy, I would never write them here because I STILL have hopes someday she'll be my wife again. And I know, it's the fantasy and excitement of the affair that leads to that behavior. This woman isn't my wife.

Well, anyway - the "Thank You" was because this was INCONTROVERABLE proof, and 100% admissable in a court. She left these papers in our car (hers technically, but by PA laws, ours) in our garage.

I immediately left to go make copies. I'm talking like, I came in, put on shoes, shut the vent on the fireplace so the house wouldn't burn down, and left. I realized later I didn't have my wallet or phone, two things I never leave the house without. I had my badge for work in the car so went there to make copies. I actually had to stop and unload/disassemble the handgun I keep in the car as I realized I didn't have my wallet and hence my permit on me, and that's a big crime right there (and something that wouldn't look too good on my record at this current time now would it?) and the whole way I was thinking....

HOW could I be so naive. How DECEITFUL she was! To look me in the eye and swear it was over, then be doing this. How lucky I was to have solid proof - the emails I screen-printed might have been considered "intercepted electronic communications" and the other one-page Email I had really just said "love you / love you too" on it.

But not this one...oh no, friends. This was truly the unHoly Grail of proof of the affair. I was pissed, I though - shit, I should maybe hire a private investigator when I'm gone on vacation, because that's how indiscreet she is, I could almost guarantee more proof, and photos this time. But, nah.

I also felt kind of sad. WHAT THE FUCK did she have that in the car for?! Does she WANT to get caught? And sad also, because, it shows she's still so wrapped up in the affair, the fantasy, etc. that she still wasn't thinking clearly with wanting the divorce...but at the same time it seemed clear it was going to happen now more than ever.

So...I was at war with myself. Tell her when I got home, confront her, or not?

Hence, "Don't Kill The Goose That Lays The Golden Eggs." I had decided, as useful and as gratifying it would be to rub her nose in this stuff, because I'd pretty much decided it was over...well, the Machiavellian in me said, nope, it's over anyway, might as well just put these back and see if maybe she keeps doing this stupid move and brings more home.

I even decided to keep the originals and put the copies back instead.

I figured this was the smartest move. Though confronting her might feel good, it would serve no real purpose other than to make her feel guilty, embarrassed, angry, etc. If the marriage was truly over as it appeared, I had to just keep the copies to myself to use at the proper time. By the time I got home I'd gone from "anger" to once again, feeling sorry for her, upset that she'd be so deceitful over something so childish, and sad that she was so wrapped up in this affair she still wasn't thinking straight.

Well, you can guess, right?

I get home - go into the garage. Hmm, the car is locked. Did I lock it without thinking? Or - did she come down, and does she know?

When I left I wasn't particularly quiet, I didn't really care what she thought, though, I sort of figured she'd just think I went for a drive, or to go see the Leonid Meteor Shower (which is tonight, by the way, but by the time you read this, too late!) from a darker spot, or whatever.

But, sure enough, when I walked into the living room, there she was sitting there on the couch. "HI!" I said, all cheerful, knowing the game was up. I was relieved, this meant we could have it out and I had no choice. "What's up?" I knew she knew, but just wanted to play it out.

I forget what she said, something like "You went in my car, I want my email" or something. "Sure" I said, "Here ya go!" And then she said, "And I want those copies, too!"

"Sorry, no way...I think we need to talk." And conversation ensued.

(BTW, of course I had left copies at work, where there are also copies of all the other proof, locked in my cabinet...)

Well, I won't try to recap the whole conversation here.

Martha and "Learned" you'd be proud of me - I got angry (but just angry, not "scary") and let her have it. She was actually starting out to be offended like "How dare you go in my car!"

I stopped that right off. I said, was she nuts? Did she realize what she'd given me in proof? How it was in OUR car (community property remember) in OUR garage and I had every right to have a copy.

But also - How much she was hurting me by this - how I didn't know who she was anymore. How I couldn't believe she could ever be so deceitful, so sneaky, such a filthy liar about things. I really let it out, because, it seemed like "go for broke" night. I said - she was offended I looked in her car? She was having an AFFAIR! I had a RIGHT to be sneaky to find out the truth, when she's done nothing but lie to me since the whole thing came out. And on and on.

But...I also said, I felt bad. I felt this proved she was so wrapped up in the fantasy of the affair she had no clue what she was doing. I said, I KNOW she hates it when I assume I know what she's feeling, but in this case I was sure - everyone I've talked to, every website I've read, all agree - an affair is a perfect fantasy, infatuation, lust - but no logic. That this just meant she couldn't be thinking clearly about the rest of the situation.

I said, listen - look me in the eyes - I STILL LOVE YOU! Even after reading this filth, and knowing how you've continued to lie to me through all this, I STILL do. I STILL want her to just TRY to work on this marriage and stop this silly childish crap.

I was angry, but calm. I let her talk. We had a very long talk, about two hours, 'till after 3AM.

She just doesn't know what she's thinking right now. She would blurt out things like, "See, we can never get back together now..." (which means, if you ask me, she was thinking about it still) and "You'd never want me back after that (pointing at the printouts) which again shows she might want back in but thinks she can't.

She admitted to the guilt. She admitted she'd tried to break it off but it went right back on again. She admitted she MIGHT want to try, but it seems hopeless after something like this.

I kept saying - let's just TRY.

She keeps saying she can't give up the affair, she doesn't think she can. That she doesn't love me anymore, isn't attracted to me. Is still afraid of me, and now these trust issues.

Look, I'm not crazy - I know it's unlikely this is going to end any way other than divorce. But I kept saying to her - those feelings are all wrapped up together. If she didn't fear me (that's a big one to work on) she might be able to feel love and attraction again. If she does, she might not want the affair - but she won't want the love and attraction to me while she's seeing him, etc.

It went around and around. She kept saying she couldn't see stopping the affair until it "burned out." Even though she KNEW it was just a fantasy, it was making her happy.

I said that's one thing I couldn't consent to - she basically does want to get the best of both worlds, have an affair then come back to the marriage "refreshed." No way.

The night and conversation was still inconclusive, but the fact we had such a long talk seemed useful. She agreed to go to counseling on Thursday and try to talk out some of these issues - how to get past the fear and trust, was it worth trying, and could she find a way to give up the affair.

I'm not hopeful, but neither am I desperate. I still am not changing anything about what I'm doing - still going away for the weekend, and the week. She'll do what she does. Maybe I can convince her to go see my therapist instead of me next week when I'll be gone.

Nothing was solved or resolved, really, except she CONTINUALLY kept saying how she's not going to get nasty int he divorce, never wanted to, didn't understand why I was being so sneaky, etc. I actually choose to believe her, BUT I'm not naive either, I'm keeping the emails of course and told her in no uncertain terms I would use them if I had to, but didn't want to - I love her too much to do that to her as long as she doesn't try to "screw me" in the divorce.

One interesting thing - but let's NOT start this debate again, OK - was that she admitted she knew he never told his wife.

She also has still not really told him I know about it all, etc.

I am NOT CALLING HIS WIFE though, so please stop asking me to. Not until I know there's no point in anything else. I asked her, to see what she'd say, what would she do if I called HIM? She said she'd leave immediately and if I had any hope of a reconcile forget it.

I KNOW that's manipulation, people, don't point that out, I'm not stupid. I choose to let myself be manipulated right now. I can call anytime I want, with better proof than ever, so I am in no hurry.

Oh, in a stalker move, I took a turn past his house (I was in the general neighborhood) to see what kind of car he has. Since there was one in his driveway with a license plate on the front of his favorite sports team, I'll assume that's his.

I may actually call a private investigator and find out how expensive it is. Now that I know his car, address, and all her info, it would be easy to give a PI that info and he could follow them - I'm SURE she will be indiscreet while I'm gone. Unless she tries to commit to counseling on Thursday, tough I'm not optimistic, really. She really is convinced she will never be happy with me again and must have the divorce...but I just don't know.

So…long story short…I’m not naïve. This is bad, definitely. She still looks like she wants out, wants to be with the other guy, even though she also clearly knows he’s just a fling. But she just thinks, it’s the only way she’ll be happy, and she’ll just keep doing it until she gets it over with, and that she fears me too much to ever be happy or feel any other feelings for me again, etc.

I keep saying, I don’t think those are as insurmountable as she thinks. People can change and she admits if she thinks about a future in 6 months where we’re a happy loving family again, she’d like that. That’s more than she could say before.

She admits if I’d talked to her 3 months sooner, she’d have tried and it might’ve worked.

She even admits, if I’d never suspected a thing and the affair burnt out, and then I approached her like I did to say I wanted it to get better (basically 6 months too “late”) she also would have tried and it might’ve worked.

So I said – listen, that means we should try. If you get past this fear, and this affair, which are linked – you might feel good about other things again. I feel bad for her, I love her, she’s so lost and confused…some of that’s my fault, some of it his, much of it her own…I just can’t help it, everytime I think I’m over it and finally “done” something like this happens…

So, I’m back to thinking there might be a ray of hope after all, but I’m still leaving on my vacation, still going to let her figure this crap out, and not too optimistic about the counseling, but if she even goes one more time, might help.

She knows she’s not thinking right, is the good thing. She’s pissed at me is still the major bad thing.