It's official.
Well, indeed, as expected she came home and simply said, "I don't want to stay married."
It wasn't any big fight, it wasn't even an argument. I asked if she was sure, if she'd thought it out well, if she wouldn't even TRY counseling, for the 50th time. She's not interested.
She says, sorry, if I was too ignorant to know there was a problem without her telling me, it just means I didn't love her, etc. etc. Not willing to invest any more time, because she's so sure I can't change.
What could I say? I still hope she'll wise up but this is what I expected so at least I was ready. She still repeats that "if we seperate, it will probably make me miss you more." Bullshit, but whatever. I repeated i'm not leaving but if she wants to, what could I do?
Anyway - it's late, I'm tired, and as momentous as this night should seem to be, it's anticlimatic at this point. Lots of weird things were said, apparently (so he tells my wife) HIS wife knows all about the affair, etc. I will call her and find out soon. If that's true, he's pretty stupid as that makes her able to be a witness at our divorce, and vice-versa should it come to that.
EL claims everything will be very amicable, she doesn't even want to get lawyers (fat chance!) and wants to do some of that "do it yourself divorce kit" crap.
She just isn't taking this seriously, if she thinks it's that easy. But, if she really wants to do that, fine with me - if she agrees to joint custody, reasonable child support only, and leaves my 401k alone (all of which she insists is the way she wants it) then I suppose, I'll save the legal fees and let that happen. I'm sure once her lawyer starts to work on her, though, she'll change her tune. She promises she won't, that she doesn't want any money for anyone but our son. We'll see how long that conviction lasts.
I don't know, like I said - I'm beat. More tomorrow, maybe.
posted by Fensty at 11:39 PM
5 Comments:
Notice that she said, "I don't want to stay married." Not, "I want a divorce." That's basically the same crap that my cheating wife said a couple of weeks ago, before we started counseling. However, I must note that she had wanted to start counseling several weeks ago, but simply couldn't work it into our work/kids schedules, and it kept being postponed by the counselor's office too.
I would suggest that you go over and speak to the other guy's wife ASAP, face to face, so that you can get a "visual" as to her knowledge of (or shock about) the affair. (In my situation, I wish there *was* a spouse that I could confront! Instead, we have a single guy eager to break up a marriage.)
I remember when I went and talked to the spouse of my wife's FIRST affair a few years ago. I had been suckered into thinking that she knew about the affair and consented, and I had been hesitant to bring it up, because they were neighbors at the time. When I found out that she didn't know, I was furious....but that ended the affair. Although, to this day, the guy still tries to contact her...espec. after learning that our marriage is in trouble again.
But, as you know, from our private emails, my situation involves FAR more serious issues than yours does. And our kids are older and understand all of the issues.
The shame is that your wife is trivializing the marriage and discounting the welfare of the boy by not even wanting to try counseling. I'd love to know exactly what this other guy has going for him. Perhaps you can get a clue from his wife. Maybe he has cheated before and been caught. Find out. Maybe the wife is a royal bitch/nutcase or a cheater herself and deserves to be cheated on. Who knows?
SH
Here's a thought:
Since she's so eager to toss the entire thing overboard, why not let her? She sounds like she's willing to give you just about everything you want (except reconciliation) so maybe going through a mediator or some other low-fee option is best. In anycase, it is to your benefit to work hard and work fast on this. The day she sees an attorney is the day you can kiss this whole deal goodbye, including any chance at reconciliation because it will get butt ugly.
However, if you work quickly, you get the most favorable terms, including sole custody. Then, perhaps in due time after it's over, reality will set in. She *might* come back. Then you could always get remarried...with a prenup.
Seeing the other guy's wife is a good idea. Your wife is already conspiring with this other guy, it wouldn't hurt you to have an ally of your own who has similar interests.
Everyone is right; your wife isn't thinking clearly. Any attorney will tell your wife to wait and drag this process on for years or until you can be worn down. Not for reconciliation but in order to bring you to your financial knees.
Your boy looks precious. I have one about the same age. Let *her* be the one to look into his eyes and tell him his world is about to fall apart. There's still a chance she might back out of the deal and decide to work since she sounds like a bit of a coward, anyway. I don't feel anyone has a right to do that to a child until they can look him/her in the face and say "I did everything I could do." You've done that. She has not and has done just the opposite.
You might want to think about getting as much custody as you can. Do you *really* want to think about the boy being with her and waking up to find another man in her bed?
D.
Mac & SH: I appreciate it, and trust me, I'm going to break up the affair, but remember - she does want a divorce anyway. She wanted it before. Yes, I know the affair she's in is heavily influencing her decisions right now, but this probably would have happened anyway. She just flat out doesn't love me anymore. Part of me is now resigned to thinking, "Who am I to argue with that?" You can't MAKE someone love you again. The relationship was just too damaged by my inconsideration and her refusal to communicate.
Yes, we were both responsible, but if she's not interested in fixing it, how am I supposed to "force" that?
I DID read over marriagebuilders, at least the first few "basic concepts" before she got home and blew me out of the water last night. So far everything I've read there seems to discuss what to do when it's not this far gone already. I mean, she's pretty much got it all planned out. I'll go back this weekend and read the rest but I'm no longer even "wishful thinking optimistic."
She just wants out. Period. Nothing I said or did made a bit of difference the last month (and, both from your advice and my own intuition, by the way, everything I've been doing was fully in agreement with that site anyway) because she made up her mind months ago. The affair just gave her the kick in the pants to start the process, much the same way that her announcing the desire for a divorce was the kick in the pants I needed to fix a lot of things in my own life.
Digger: I've considered that. I've told her, in fact, that very fact - it's nice she's so considerate at this point and doesn't want any money or to make things difficult right now, but that her lawyers will go to work on her to convince her otherwise. She says she'll hold firm, and all that, but of course I don't believe a word of it. So, yeah I've been thinking very hard about just going thru this as fast as possible, getting the "do it yourself" forms and getting them all legal'ed up and whatever so it's all done as fast as possible before she changes her mind.
However she'll never give up custody, never. I WILL have to fight for that in a court and I don't see why I'd win - it's all hearsay on both sides except she's having an affair, and having an affair makes her an unfit WIFE, not an unfit MOTHER. Joint custody is almost a given.
Yes, I will run this by the lawyer I'm consulting with next week...but I'm pretty sure I would never get sole custody. MAYBE with the argument that she's just throwing it all away without even going to counseling, but I doubt it. They would probably do the court-ordered counseling thing, and if her heart isn't in it, what good will it do...
Sorry, I'm definitely depressed and a downer on this right now.
And yes - I've already started saying things like, "Well, I guess you better tell your mom tonight when you guys go out. And when are you going to tell The Boy that Mommy and Daddy won't be living together anymore?" But it's not going to matter.
She is 100% convinced she is doing the right thing for herself and The Boy. You and I know she's being childish and selfish, but nobody can tell her that if she won't see it for herself.
Now I just want it over as fast as possible. Today I even did consider just moving the hell out and getting on with my life. Staying in the house in an attempt to get her to notice me seems like a pathetic loser move at this point.
Breaking up the family just because she's too lazy to go to counselling...I'd consider that abuse. But I'm not a judge, you're probably right there.
Staying in the house...I don't think it's a loser move. At least not for your boy. I've read the literature on this. Your absence makes him a candidate for about every bad thing that can (and does) happen to boys. Everything from ADHD and behavior disorders to delinquency and chroninc health problems. The financial impact alone is a risk factor.
Your counterpart "The Good Husband" drew up a seperation agreement that looks fairly decent. If you're wanting to get out (and I can't blame you for that) there are some good terms worth considering.
Reading you guys has been quite an education.
D.
I'm sorry to hear about things going bad. My ex husband did the same thing to me. Things were not perfect but I was willing to work on them he wasn't. The other woman was single with no kids. He had 5 kids. Now they are all over the place and I think he's happy about that. I have a son with him and his first wife had 4 with him. I wish there was something I could say, but I'm still healing my self. It will be a long hard road for me, I hope you will find some kind of peace in your life. Sorry again to hear. I wish you well
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