Sunday Night. I just don't know...
So, I don't know.
I woke up this morning assuming it was all over, based on last night's conversation and reflection, as well as the comments from many of you agreeing that yeah, it's done.
Some point later, is when I mentioned to EL that from this point on, I wasn't going to avoid talking about it anymore. I wouldn't be "in her face" but neither was I going to pretend. Any reasonable time to bring it up, I did. Such as the "Why buy curtains, we'll be selling the house soon" and things like that I already mentioned.
I happened to mention that, we'll lose money on the house. We just remortgaged for $160k to use up our equity over the last few years to pay off some bills. The house, I'm sorry, ain't worth that. We paid $120k and with this economy I assume we MIGHT get that back, but never an extra $40k on top. I told her she ought to consider that.
I then said my preliminary research showed the divorce wouldn't cost less than $2500 each and could easily be $20000 or more if it got ugly. I didn't imply it would, just said that it could be anywhere in that range.
I think she knew at that point I'd talked to a lawyer but she said nothing, and I didn't volunteer any info. She might just have thought I'd asked around, or looked on the 'net.
So, here's the thing - around 11, I took The Boy outside to play for awhile, she needed some "me time" to think it over and he was bored, and it was a very nice day, maybe the last nice one for awhile...warm enough for short sleeves in November. Well, long sleeves but no jacket. :)
Wouldn't you know it, while we were out playing, she was hitting up divorce info sites and lawyer directories online. That sure looks like she's made up her mind.
So we came in, she went to take a shower and that's when I discovered that's what she'd been searching for.
When she came out and we were hanging out in the living room again, I said something like, "I get the feeling the answer is just going to be divorce...you don't seem like you can give up The Other Guy and really want to work on this...you're in love with the guy I can't see it any othe way."
She said: "You might be surprised. I'm still thinking about it, aren't I?"
I don't want to get excited about that. I'm telling myself, she's just stalling for time to get her own lawyer and info and so on. I just don't know what to make of any of it.
I know many of you are telling me, don't be a total foolish dupe - she wants out and she's just jerking me around until she's ready. I accept that is a likely possibility.
Then again, you know, I NEED so bad to cling to something that I'll do the wishful thinking and think maybe she's willing to give it a shot for a few months. She said, "I could give him up easily..." Dunno what to make of that either.
CWMAC - just wanted to say, since it's a LONG blog at this point and you might've missed it, OR I haven't really been too clear on this point - but she insists she doesn't want a divorce now because of the other guy, she would have wanted it anyway.
I know that's a stretch, the guy is definitely affecting her judgement and choices, BUT she is telling the truth in general - she's obviously felt this way for over a year, but she's known him less than 4 weeks. That is ABSOLUTELY TRUE. I know it, based on solid evidence, you'll have to trust me on that.
So immediately screwing up his marriage, much as I plan to anyway, won't really matter a whole lot - even if it does drive him away from her, that's not her main motive for wanting out. She'll resent me more, resent the controlling more, and since he is not the real reason, she really won't care much if he's out.
Yes, I'd get satisfaction that he'd show his true colors to her like that, but I'm thinking he might anyway when she tells him her husband (me) has said divorce or give up The Other Guy. I just imagine her saying, "So I'm going to divorce him, then I'll be free...and we can be together..." I just imagine HIM saying, "Uhh.............hmm........let's not be too hasty here, now..." as he backpedals furiously.
But, there's always the chance he's in love with my wife and she's in love with him, in which case he will be happy she's divorcing me. Who the hell knows?
But anyway that's why I'm not going to call his wife until divorce papers are filed. It won't really help, Splitting EL and The Guy up at this point will only make her resent me AND not really address the root cause of her wanting the divorce.
So...I know I'm a sucker for waiting a few more days, but I will. I asked her tonight - is she ready to talk? She said nope, needs another couple days. OK....but I'll be making another free consultation appointment with a different lawyer this week if I can, or for next week or as soon as I can get in for at least 1 if not 3 or 4.
MY same logic I try to convince her of, applies to myself - we've invested 9 years in each other, what's a couple more days?
At the same time, though, I'm not a doormat right now, this is the last few days to find out what's going to happen, then it's one way or the other, I'm ready...
I woke up this morning assuming it was all over, based on last night's conversation and reflection, as well as the comments from many of you agreeing that yeah, it's done.
Some point later, is when I mentioned to EL that from this point on, I wasn't going to avoid talking about it anymore. I wouldn't be "in her face" but neither was I going to pretend. Any reasonable time to bring it up, I did. Such as the "Why buy curtains, we'll be selling the house soon" and things like that I already mentioned.
I happened to mention that, we'll lose money on the house. We just remortgaged for $160k to use up our equity over the last few years to pay off some bills. The house, I'm sorry, ain't worth that. We paid $120k and with this economy I assume we MIGHT get that back, but never an extra $40k on top. I told her she ought to consider that.
I then said my preliminary research showed the divorce wouldn't cost less than $2500 each and could easily be $20000 or more if it got ugly. I didn't imply it would, just said that it could be anywhere in that range.
I think she knew at that point I'd talked to a lawyer but she said nothing, and I didn't volunteer any info. She might just have thought I'd asked around, or looked on the 'net.
So, here's the thing - around 11, I took The Boy outside to play for awhile, she needed some "me time" to think it over and he was bored, and it was a very nice day, maybe the last nice one for awhile...warm enough for short sleeves in November. Well, long sleeves but no jacket. :)
Wouldn't you know it, while we were out playing, she was hitting up divorce info sites and lawyer directories online. That sure looks like she's made up her mind.
So we came in, she went to take a shower and that's when I discovered that's what she'd been searching for.
When she came out and we were hanging out in the living room again, I said something like, "I get the feeling the answer is just going to be divorce...you don't seem like you can give up The Other Guy and really want to work on this...you're in love with the guy I can't see it any othe way."
She said: "You might be surprised. I'm still thinking about it, aren't I?"
I don't want to get excited about that. I'm telling myself, she's just stalling for time to get her own lawyer and info and so on. I just don't know what to make of any of it.
I know many of you are telling me, don't be a total foolish dupe - she wants out and she's just jerking me around until she's ready. I accept that is a likely possibility.
Then again, you know, I NEED so bad to cling to something that I'll do the wishful thinking and think maybe she's willing to give it a shot for a few months. She said, "I could give him up easily..." Dunno what to make of that either.
CWMAC - just wanted to say, since it's a LONG blog at this point and you might've missed it, OR I haven't really been too clear on this point - but she insists she doesn't want a divorce now because of the other guy, she would have wanted it anyway.
I know that's a stretch, the guy is definitely affecting her judgement and choices, BUT she is telling the truth in general - she's obviously felt this way for over a year, but she's known him less than 4 weeks. That is ABSOLUTELY TRUE. I know it, based on solid evidence, you'll have to trust me on that.
So immediately screwing up his marriage, much as I plan to anyway, won't really matter a whole lot - even if it does drive him away from her, that's not her main motive for wanting out. She'll resent me more, resent the controlling more, and since he is not the real reason, she really won't care much if he's out.
Yes, I'd get satisfaction that he'd show his true colors to her like that, but I'm thinking he might anyway when she tells him her husband (me) has said divorce or give up The Other Guy. I just imagine her saying, "So I'm going to divorce him, then I'll be free...and we can be together..." I just imagine HIM saying, "Uhh.............hmm........let's not be too hasty here, now..." as he backpedals furiously.
But, there's always the chance he's in love with my wife and she's in love with him, in which case he will be happy she's divorcing me. Who the hell knows?
But anyway that's why I'm not going to call his wife until divorce papers are filed. It won't really help, Splitting EL and The Guy up at this point will only make her resent me AND not really address the root cause of her wanting the divorce.
So...I know I'm a sucker for waiting a few more days, but I will. I asked her tonight - is she ready to talk? She said nope, needs another couple days. OK....but I'll be making another free consultation appointment with a different lawyer this week if I can, or for next week or as soon as I can get in for at least 1 if not 3 or 4.
MY same logic I try to convince her of, applies to myself - we've invested 9 years in each other, what's a couple more days?
At the same time, though, I'm not a doormat right now, this is the last few days to find out what's going to happen, then it's one way or the other, I'm ready...
posted by Fensty at 10:13 PM
4 Comments:
i am now following your life with great interest :) i hope you don't mind.
if she said she is still thinking about things, as hard as that is to believe, she is still thinking about things. you've given her a lot to think about over the last few days and you played the "money card," and that might sway her in just the tiniest of ways.
also about telling the Other Woman - the Other Woman may or may not already know what is going on. this is when you ask yourself is it worth having someone else hurting right now as badly as you are? truth be told, i really don't think the Other Man is going to go anywhere. half the fun is in the chase and if they haven't "done anything" yet (thank God),then it's simply a conquest, i think, in his eyes.
dunno if i was a comfort or not, but try to keep your cool and not overreact and not get in her face or anything of that matter. keep being The Good Dad, and show her you really are The Good Husband and you never know - things may turn around.
p
Martha, to bring you up to speed without you having to read the whole blog - yes, they've "gone physical" as well as emotional in this affair. I don't know how many times or if it's gone "all the way" but there was, as we'd say in high school, "everything but." And promises of more. Whether that more has happened, I don't know. She says not and I'm slightly inclined to believe her, I think in her mind she set a limit of "no fucking 'till I'm divorced" and in some twisted way that makes it OK.
But it's not just sexual, it's more emotional. They're saying "love you / love you too" in emails to each other, stuff like that.
So, it's a "fantasy" in terms of it's still the perfect, exciting, fresh, utopian love affair right now, inasmuch as they don't live together, see any of the negatives, have to do anything but swoon for each other, basiclly. But it's not "fantasy" in terms of just a pursuit and a flirting. It's gone far, far beyond that.
I don't necessarily want to "hurt" the other wife, which IS one reason I'm holding back telling her. On the other hand CWMAC has me hovering right on the edge. I just won't do it until my wife says "yes, let's divorce, I'm done." Then as I've nothing to lose, yeah, I thinik I'll call her. NOT to hurt her but for two reasons: #1, she has a right to know, I'd want to know, and besides my wife claims "their situation is bad too." And #2, we may be able to help each other's divorce cases in court, which right there is all the justification I need. The more evidence of this affair, the better for me in court. His wife might know things, have proofs, etc. that will compliment mine, and vice-versa.
No, CWMAC I won't call him and tip him off I'm calling his wife. I see through that "psycho husband" thing very well, indeed.
I'm still up in the air. I'm giving her a couple days yet to decide, then I guess even if she doesn't decide, I'll know the answer. How hard is it to make a choice, fix your marriage or give up?
gotcha.
it's easy to be in a state of limerance over someone who is new, exciting, fresh. my therapist told me relationships like this, if divorce enters in and the two decide they are each other's soul mates, usually end between one and three years. the sparkle is gone, the everyday life junk enters in, the things you once thought were so magical are simply annoying.
you get the point.
as the Other Woman at one point in my life, my Other Man's other woman made a phone call to me that in essence told me things i didn't want to believe...that it wasn't his first time (and he admitted to having other "female" friends, but i was "different...") that he has done this before for years...really made me think about what i was doing to her and her family. at this point, our relationship hadn't progressed beyond friendship and mutual admiration.
what told me he wasn't all about this moving forward was one time when the "time was prime" to get together, he pushed me away. said since we weren't in neutral territory, it didn't feel "right." what does that say? to him, the conquest would have been over; half the fun is in the chase.
i would've never thought it could happen to me, not in a million years. i am still suffering the consequences of my actions, and while my husband has forgiven me and never, ever held it against me, i am still haunted by what "could have been." it is a struggle, but with three children, it is totally worth it.
my other option was facing the balance of my life knowing i broke my husband's heart. he is such a good, devoted man, decent, loyal --- he would never deserve it, not in a million years.
keeping you in thought.
p
mac is totally right-on --- i have gone to marriagebuilders.com and it is an excellent site. it was a little bit more painful for me as the unfaithful wife to read these stories; too many hit home. it is so freaking common, it's laughable.
please do yourself the favor by going to that site. there is a wealth of information there for you, especially since you seem sincere and serious about restoring your marriage.
mac, you rock :)
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