Thursday night. I'm coming to a conclusion...

...and my therapist agrees. She is playing a waiting game. She doesn't want to make a choice, because she basically already has.

I believe she's thinking that if I'm the guy who approaches her for a divorce, saying "I can't take this anymore" she can then have a "clear conscience." Like that's the only way she can face what she really wants to do, which is end the marriage.

She also thinks she can then go to her parents for a place to stay, solace, and funds if necessary, because it'll be a case of "the evil husband wanting a divorce from the harried poor wife." I know that sounds snarky, but I also believe it is true. Everytime I try to talk to her she keeps coming back with this, "Whatever you want" line. I've TOLD her what I want, though. She's just doing this, I don't know why...this is the only motive I can see. Or else she's just so confused herself, but either way, it's time to move it along a little.

I don't think she's thought that through, I guess she thinks she can just claim I'm jealous and paranoid and that's why I'll say she's having an affair. Of course, she'll be in for a shocker when the proof comes out, but, I can't try to tell her that or it will seem like I'm manipulating, etc. I really think she's naive in that way - she thinks everyone will believe her over me, and she'll paint me as the bad husband who didn't want to change or try to fix anything, so I just invented an affair to "frame" her or something.

So...my therapist agrees, the best move now is to go ahead and, per the lawyer's advice, type up a letter. Explain that, I've been working as hard as I can. I don't expect her, after 4 weeks, to think that I've "changed" but she should realize that these things I've done and are doing, will continue...she can watch and wait, etc.

But I will write that she must stop the affair and decide to work on the marriage, counseling, etc. or, she must consider us seperated and therefore I'll assume that means she wants a divorce.

See, I'm not demanding that she "choose to stay married, or leave." No. All I'm going to ASK is that she choose to either proceed with a seperation (though living in the same house, as is legal in Pennsylvania) and continue her affair; OR, she agrees to stop the affair and begin to ATTEMPT to work on the marriage. No demands, no insisting that we "stay married" or anything.

No threats, veiled or otherwise, about the future, divorce lawyers, anything like that. Just a simple, honest, fair question: "Work with me to save our marriage, or admit that you don't want to and we move on with our lives. Go ahead, take another week or two to think it over, but it's come down to that - I can't just sit here and let you have an affair, waiting to see if it gets boring, or blows up, or otherwise ends and then you want to try, OR that it works out great and you leave anyway. Nope, that's not fair to me either. You gotta do what's right for you, but I gotta do what's right for me, now. Let me know in a couple weeks, OK?"

I expect, she will take the move on option. Very little she has said or done has implied that she really wants to fix this.

Do I HOPE that maybe this will "shock" her into taking a real serious look at what she's considering, the brink she is standing on with our future, marriage, child...and decide to give it a try? Sure! But I doubt it.

Do I further hope that, if she chooses to say "OK, then we move on" that when she tells this guy that, that he suddenly realizes "Uhoh...the game is up" and tells her, "Uh...honey...you aren't thinking I'm leaving my wife, too, are you?" Of course. But, I doubt that. Or even if he does, she may just think, well that was a fling but now I'll go find a real, new, boyfriend...


Do I think either of those will really happen? Doubtful. I think she'll decide to move on, that she wants a divorce. I think she'll convince herself I wouldn't have been able to change for good. I think she'll convince herself I'd have been a bad father. Fuck it, she might even be right...I wish she'd wait around to be sure, but what can I do? It's like the woman who misunderstands my blog and comments on it - I can't change what she thinks...

I don't even think the other guy will figure TOO much into it...other things will be more important decision makers for her, but I'm sure the way he's made her feel and stuff will make her feel she can move on and find another love - and she's right, she can. She's a wonderful woman. I can't deny that, obviously, she has no trouble finding men who'll be with her, and that's great. I can be objective and admit that - good for her, she'll get another chance I guess.

Again, I sure wish she'd give me a chance to show her that, out of ... whatever ... loyalty? Our vows? Our family? I guess that's all hollow bullshit in the end, eh?

Anyway...I will ask her to think about it for another 2 weeks or so, but at the end of that, to be ready to move on with the marriage counseling, or to assume I'll file for divorce as the aggreived party.


I am prepared for the worst. Or I will be. I'm not sure when we'll have this talk, the weekend, probably.

Deep down, of course, I'm still hoping like hell she HAS been trying to draw away from the guy, that she's seen the small changes I'm making and will believe more are coming and continuing, and decide to give it a try.

But I won't kid myself. I think it's gonna blow up and be over.

I haven't decided if that happens, if I will call his wife (I did call the house today to make sure I had the right # and address, I do. I know his wife's name now, from the answering machine. I can very easily call over there the next "date night" and talk to her. I might even be able to scam someone from her cellphone company to find me her cellphone #. Me, working for a cellphone company, do have a lot of contacts at other cellphone companies) and be a total prick like that, or just let it all lie. I'll be thinking on that a lot the next 2 weeks.

Ditto if I want to ruin my wife's life by revealing her affair to her coworkers and boss. Probably not, that's spiteful and will just harm her, and probably make me look bad in court.

That's a question for the next lawyer I guess, actually, now that I think about it.

But, I'm feeling spiteful at the moment, can't deny it. Misery loves company. If she's ruining my life, I want to ruin hers.

I will (probably) grow out of that in the next few days. Though....the calling his wife thing...that will be hard not to do...very hard. Especially tomorrow night when I know she's going out with him again...


I will get a post office box tomorrow to start getting mail and things at. Redirect all my personal mail - credit card bills, bank statements, 401k, etc. - to that.

I will get my credit card out of her wallet, and take my checks back - she's written my checks and signed my name (that was my idea, not saying it wasn't without my permission!) for years. But I guess I need to protect myself that way.

I may also snag all the financial records and things and squirrel those away...that was advice from the lawyer. Before she does. I don't mean I'll "steal" them, I mean I might just collect everything like that I can find, go through it all to make the appropriate copies, etc.


I'll be thinking about this the next few days, but I think it's the right decision. She's just trying to wait me out, try to make me the "bad guy" completely, and that's not fair to me. It's hurting me professionally and psychologically.

I mean, certainly, I AM "The Bad Husband" after all. But, I'm not a "bad guy" in this relationship right now. I'm the one trying. I'm the one who realizes what I did and what I should have done.

It's her decision, can't change that or control it....I made the bed, sure, but she's the one lying in it right now. (BAD pun...) She could choose to stop the affair and work on the marriage if she wants. She could stop seeing him, avoid him at work, stop calling, etc. It's all up to her, she can do what she wants...but it's time to make some kind of decision - work on it, or admit it's done.