Wednesday night. Has this rollercoaster really been almost 4 weeks now?!

Well. Work was uneventful, so let's just skip that. I left early anyway (my boss is so cool!) to go to the lawyer.

What a downer, man...of course, I need to keep in mind that his purpose is to make fees, so when he was pretty much telling me, "Oh, dude, I see this all the time, you might as well just file for divorce, it's all over..." I tried to keep myself optimistic anyway.

And this evening, we'll get to that, but there was a nice moment or two anyway. But back to the lawyer:

It was just good to get my questions answered. And I did, pretty much all of them...mostly about what I expected. Shall I run through them? Why yes...I shall!

Quite bluntly, what's a ballpark on how much will it cost if I "fight"?

Ballpark figure on how much if we 100% co-operated, mediated, etc?

His retainer starts at $2500 and he bills at $150/hr. Told me bluntly he's on the low side, being a fairly new associate (so, honestly, I probably wouldn't use this guy anyway...) and the senior partner, for example, gets $325/hr.

OUCH!

So obviously the more she & I could work out among ourselves and just have the lawyers codify, and stay out of court as much as possible, etc...the cheaper it is. Or, conversely, the more I can bankrupt her if I decide to be a complete asshole about it.

What does her having an affair mean in terms of fault/no-fault, etc.

How is spousal support affected by the affair?

Is my proof of the affair legally admissable? If not, what is?

Am I consenting to the affair because I know about it? How do I change that?

Her having an affair makes me the "aggrieved party" and pretty much assures she won't get spousal support.

On the other hand, yes, since I know about it, I need to make it clear to her that I do NOT consent, put it in a letter and mail it to her, keeping a copy for myself, something like that, to "codify" it and make it official. He suggested I use the phrase, "As long as this is going on, consider us seperated but living in the same house."

My "proof" is open to interpretation - it would be a tough fight to get it admissable, but not impossible. Overall would be better if I got something else, hired a P.I. that kind of thing. I don't know about that...but it would probably be a savings in the long run, if she would get spousal support, that could be thousands a year...a PI would be a one-time big charge. And it's not like I don't know what nights she's going out ahead of time to tip the guy off. So I might actually consider that, as weird as it sounds.

Are my stock options mine?

This was a good answer...she's entitled to HALF the EQUITY since the date of our marriage. Now, when we were married, the share price of my options was about $150/share. (It was the middle of a merger.) Now, with the market fallen, the price is only about $20/share. So, there's NO EQUITY. So she gets nothing. I mean, sure it'd be nice if it was still $140/share, but then she'd get half of that. So I guess it's backhandedly spiteful, but I'm glad. My "nest egg" is those options and I'll need them.

Everything else is community property, right? Divided equally in all cases?

Yes.

Is it legal or necessary to move money to a different account, or cash?

Illegal, so not a wise move. There are records of everything so she'd be able to demand half of any large withdrawals I'd make. I wasn't really thinking I should do this anyway, but wanted to ask.

How will property divide if I put the down payment on the house with my own assets?

Doesn't matter. The way it works here, EVERYTHING we owned since the date of marriage is divided equally. So since I sold the stock for the downpayment when we were married, it was half hers.

Tell me a little about custody in these cases. What's the best I can hope for? The worst?

Child support - if we have "joint" custody, do I still have to pay it? Is it a percentage, is it decided by the courts, is there any kind of formula?

If one or the other person leaves the home voluntarily, what does that mean? Does it affect spouse support? Custody? Is it an admission of anything, a surrender of any rights, etc….

Custody, it is highly unlikely, unless I can prove somehow she's an unfit mother (she's not. Acting like a slut doesn't count) that I would win sole custody. I didn't think so anyway. Joint custody is very likely unless she can prove I'm an unfit father, which I'm not. My "temper tantrums" since there is no proof, are just hearsay anyway. And even if there WAS proof (like, say, she found this website and printed it out) yelling a lot doesn't make one an unfit parent.

Can she get a PFA on me because she "feels threatened" even though I have no record at all of violence or assault, and could produce dozens of testimonies to that affect?

Does my having a CCW and owning guns make a difference either way? Would it be helpful to give those to my brother or something, or would that look strange?

CCW makes no difference. I thought maybe it would prove my "stability" to show that I've had one for 10+ years but it doesn't make a difference. If she did manage to get a PFA, I'd have to give up my guns, that's true. BUT, she can't get a PFA on me without some indication in some way I'm a threat, which I'm clearly not. She can try to lie about it, I guess, but that wouldn't usually fly without SOME collaborating evidence, no matter how circumstantial, of which there is none, because I'm not a threat. So, no problem.

Of course, I DO need to watch my step very carefully, so as not to GIVE her any reason...but I'm fine, it's not going to happen. If I were going to go ballistic, don't you think I'd have done so after reading her "fuck me" emails, or, wait 'till you hear what I found out today. (That'll come at the end of this entry...)

Is there any other way she can "force" me to leave, a seperation, etc.?

Only court ordered, which is unlikely. In our state, it's not even mandatory that we live seperated for any length of time. So technically we can (and I would!) live in this house right up 'till it's sold, or one person buys out the other.

If she leaves, can she legally take The Boy if I refuse to let him leave?

Unfortunately, and I admit this was a surprise, yes. Since she's his mother, if she wants to take him and go to a hotel, friend's house, parents, apartment, whatever - she can. I can of course immediately petition the court for custody, blah blah blah and it's somewhat likely they'd insist he returned home to his own house during the divorce, etc...but I can't "refuse" to let him leave or anything. The court would have to order his return.

Does my seeing a psychiatrist affect anything?

None at all. If anything it helps my case that I'm the aggrieved party, and that I'm the one attemping to save the marriage while she's abandoning it. So might even help towards refusal of spousal support.

Is her admission in front of my therapist to the affair legally admissable, does the doctor-client priviledge count when he was MY therapist and not hers?

Crap, forgot this one, but I can ask my therapist directly about it, I guess.



So...that's where things stand with all THAT.

He was a nice enough guy to answer my questions, but actually, I will definitely "shop around" to find the lawyer I would actually use. However I now know what I need to know to cover myself around the place and what the options are.

In fact, and I guess this is "sneaky" but - I will probably even do another free initial consultation with a few more attorneys, both to ask more questions and to see how I "like" them.

It does appear that, if I get to the point where I'm sure it's over and done, I should go ahead and file for divorce first. I guess that makes it all a lot easier, that I'm seeking to "dump her" for the affair, the mental stress, etc.


OK....so...the rest of the evening:

I had an appointment at 5:30 to give blood (I started donating a year ago when we had a blood drive at work, I don't do much to "give back to the community" so I felt this was at least something, y'know, a little good karma...) and I had told EL I'd make dinner when I got home. She knew I'd be late, but said she'd be there. Plus, of course, her dad would be picking up The Boy at about 4:45 and bringing him to the house as he does everyday. Then I'd get home around 6:30 and start the stir fry. We bought all the veggies and stuff earlier in the week.

OK, well, while giving blood, I called home. No answer. Odd. I called her cell phone. No answer. Also odd.

I could understand she'd not be home, and not answer her cell, since she was probably with the other guy or something. But...why was nobody at the house? I called back to the house. When the machine picked up, I talked in case they didn't answer previously thinking it was just a telemarketer. Still no answer.

I didn't think too much of it, 'till I was leaving and tried again. And again. And again. To the cell, to the house.

By this point, I was concerned. I thought - shit....she took my son and left. I really thought it. I was SURE when I got home, I'd find nobody here, and clothes and stuff missing. Either that, or someone got hurt or something. I was basically "frantic." What if something happened to her dad and The Boy was here alone in the house? What if her dad got in an accident on the way home, whatever....many of you can probably relate with what goes through your head at a time like this.

I get home - nobody's here. Her dad's truck is not around. Her car is not in the driveway. I open the door and yell if anyone's home. No answer. I'm standing there stunned, freaking out, not sure what to do, when the garage door starts going up. It's EL, driving in...alone...no Boy with her, nothing.

She gets out of the car, I'm like "WHERE is The Boy? What's going on?" She has no answer. I don't yell, I don't freak out in that way, but I tell her quite simply, "I've been going crazy calling, why didn't you answer your cellphone?" She said she was in the office and she'd left it in the car.

(That much is likely true. I just drove her car and it was still sitting there on the charger, and it was dead yesterday when I tried to call her, so I do believe that much...but maybe she was IN the car and ignoring it, or maybe she was in HIS car somewhere, or maybe a million things...)

I couldn't help it, I said, "Listen, can't you and your boyfriend please find other times/places to talk instead of after work when you should be being here for the family?" She didn't even get mad, I guess she was worried too. She said, "Go play the messages..." and sure enough, her mom had called, her dad took The Boy over to an aunt's house. So all was well.

But I still asked her afterwards, "Look - what's going on here, is it already over?" (Since that was on my mind after talking to the lawyer who was telling me, "Give up dude, it's over...") She said, "No, unless that's what you want."

WTF...how many times do I have to tell her the only thing I want is to fix it and get back to where we were, etc. Why does she say things like that...I think she's just trying to "wait me out" or something. Probable, unfortunately...very probable. She doesn't have the guts to file a divorce herself, so she's trying to get me to do it. I'm not going to.

So...I say, "Well, look - we have to talk about this someday. We're still married. What do YOU want to happen?"

She says, "I don't know."

I say, "EL...it's been a month...I'm not saying any decisions need to be made, but come ON...when you sit around and daydream, imagine what might happen, think about things - what do you THINK might happen, what do you THINK you want? Or what options are you even thinking about, at all?"

She says again, "I don't know."

"How long will it take to even have an idea, some suggestions, some plans?"

"I don't know!"

WTF is a person supposed to do with answers like that?

Anyway, just then there's a knock at the door - some neighborhood kids are curious if I want to sell my old '86 Mustang GT that's been sitting in the street for a few months....so I go to talk to them while EL goes to get The Boy.

We talk about the car a bit, kid says he's gotta ask his dad (heh, I remember those days well!) so I give him my card and tell him, sorry, $1000 is firm, I paid $1700 for the beater and put tires, brakes, and assorted other little bits into it...need to at least get money back for those.

I then go in and finish up the stir fry. EL comes home and we don't talk much more about it, except for me to ask her, "Hey - why do you keep asking what I want? I've TOLD you...listen, look me in the eye here, you don't have to SAY anything, I just need to tell you - look...I want to save the marriage. I want to be a family again. That is what I want, I'm not changing my mind on that, so YOU are the one who needs to come to a decision here. Thanks."


So anyway, who knows...

Hmm, it just occurred to me - she's so bad at this, and I know she likes to "blurt out" excuses she doesn't even need. So when she asked me, "Oh, did you call me at work? Because I saw the phone ring, but I didn't bother to pick it up, I don't answer after 5pm" that might have been complete bullshit. Or completely true. I'll never know. But it might have been her attempt at guile, to find out if I had called her at work...she may not have been there at all, so wanted to "cover herself" with that excuse. Or, again, it might be true. Who knows.



Later, we watched the movie "50 First Dates" which she rented awhile back.

Hadn't seen it, it was nice. We had a nice time, just sitting there watching a movie, a bit like old times, she had her legs on my lap, blanket over us, etc. The movie was cute, set in Hawaii so I made a reference or two to our honeymoon (nothing weird or pressurey, just like "Hey, they're on Oahu, there's Diamondhead, remember our hotel was on the other side at Waikiki..." and "Look, they're getting married by the Kahuna!!" etc.)

I said, hey, why don't I take it back and lets' rent Honeymoon in Vegas...which is also set in Hawaii (for those that haven't seen it) and is actually amusing. She said, hey good idea.

SO I'm thinking, this is nice.

I also made sure to point out - look, see, there's a PLUS side to falling in love again...just like this movie, it's nice to get those feelings all over again.

In retrospect...that probably made her think more of the other guy than me. But that's not how I meant it - I meant it as in, hey, look, we get to fall in love all over again just like in this flick...oh well.

(wait 'till the kicker at the end of this entry for how this all turned sour later...)

So anyway, seemed like a great time. After the movie, she goes to bed (10pm) and I go down to watch South Park and Drawn Together.

I've also got a secret idea I've had for 2 days now and needed an opportunity for.....last week, she mentioned she wanted to wash her car 'cuz it was just dusty, dirty, had cat-feet tracks on the roof, etc. But it was a rainy Sunday so it seemed a dumb day to do that.

So I've been waiting for a chance to wash the car for her. Nothing big, just thought it might be nice.

So this was the chance, she was sound asleep at 11pm so I took her car out, drove to Blockbuster, returned the movies, and - SHIT - they don't HAVE "Honeymoon in Vegas." That's weird 'cuz it's only a few years old and was a big movie. SHIT, oh well. So I leave.

I head to the carwash. I get there. Obviously at this hour, I'm talking about a "do it yourself" wash place, y'know, ya pump the quarters in and use the high pressure hoses/brush, etc.

So, I'm about to wash the car when the devil gets the best of me. I look in her purse which is sitting there.

SHE IS SO BAD AT HAVING AN AFFAIR. WHAT THE FUCK WAS SHE THINKING....right in there, is a folded up piece of paper.

You know what's coming, right?

Yes...it's sort of a love note. Not really, but in a way. It's a copy of an Email she printed at work. Obviously they "chat" via Email, I've known that for awhile of course. This was 4 little Emails on one page.

From Friday, 10/22. (The night of the rehearsal dinner when I stayed out late, got home, and inexplicably found her watching the movie The Butterfly Effect which we'd rented about 3 weeks before.)



Her saying, "Let's watch it at 11pm tonight."

Him: "Will do."

Her: "Love you."

Him: "Love you too."


Yeah. Let's just let that sink in for a few moments, shall we?

(pause...while you consider...)

So...yes, I shouldn't be looking in her purse, should I? But...I gotta do what I gotta do.

This is pretty awful. What seemed like an OK night turned to shit. I'm all fluttery and full of anxiety again now. In fact my hands are shaking again now just typing about it, I'm so upset.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

And the actual "conversation" - apparently, they decided since they couldn't "go out", they'd watch the same movie together at the same time. How romantic. Gah. I actually mean that - in a cutesy little way that's like something I'd have done when my girlfriend was away at college and we were talking on the phone...make a date to watch a movie at the same time, even tho we couldn't be together, so we could talk about it later. Gaaaah!

So...I'm thinking, great, I just watched this 50 First Dates with her tonight, was that another movie on their romantic little viewing list? Probably. So the whole time I'm thinking about her tenderly, remembering our honeymoon, thinking romantically about the movie (it really was a nice little flick) and all that - she was probably thinking of him.

So I ask you - is it all over? It sure seems like it. It's both. She's fucking him, and she's in love with him. And it's mutual.

Sure, it's not "realistic." They're just all googly for each other, but if they think it's love, it is love, at least for now.

My thoughts that maybe she was trying to "cool things off" are mostly gone. I cling to them now, thinking, well, this WAS 2 weeks ago...maybe it's changed since then? But I doubt it. If anything, they're probably closer now and maybe really are in love, who the hell can say?

Needless to say, I've made copies. I was tempted to do something nasty like leave it on the dashboard, but why? I just folded it up and put it back. I was tempted to put a copy back and keep the original, she probably wouldn't notice...but didn't.

WTF she'd have a copy of that for I have no idea, other than it most have been "special" to her - probably the first time they said "I love you" in writing or something. Motherfucking fuckity fuck fuck fuckity fuck.

Ironically, this may be a more admissable proof (it's not an "intercepted electronic communication" which can be construed as an illegal wiretap, he told me) than my screen printed emails and things, since it's just a piece of paper she left in the open in our community property. Yeah, it was in her purse, but her purse was unzipped and sitting on the passenger seat. I could see the letter without reaching in. If "plain view" works for cops as not meeing illegal searches, it must work for me when it's OUR car and OUR garage, right?


It says something about how desperate I am to still try to save things that I still washed the car, filled it with gas, and left a small flower on the dashboard.


I hate my life. I really do. Everything I think it's getting better, something like this hammers me.