Friday Night. OK, gloves off people!!

(Fonts on here are driving me crazy. They are NOT WYSIWYG. Or else something is screwy with the publishing, but they look one way in the edit box, and when I post, they seem to "shrink" a few points...so..sorry for all the font changes...)


OK...well, maybe it's time to explain a few things. My last entry got some interesting comments, and made me take a step back and look at things a little bit.

I can perfectly understand why some people reading the blog may be getting a bit of the wrong idea. It is a bit one-sided in the things I write about. Mainly, that's why I HAVE the blog. To write all the things I'm thinking and feeling that I can't bother my wife about right now, because she wants the space and has told me flat out, "Stop talking about it all the time." Everytime I try to talk to her it drives her further away, so that's why the blog started.

A way for me to get out all these thoughts, questions in my mind, etc. So yeah, it's focused mainly on how much I'm hurtin', what I wish for, and things like that.

PERFECTLY FAIR that "Murphy" commented the way she did. "Get off your ass and stop crying about it, and work towards fixing it. YOU screwed up, YOU need to work to improve." (Is that a fair synopsis, Murphy? :) )

Thing is, that might've gotten lost in the blog a bit - but I am. I am NOT just sitting around crying and waiting for my wife to return. I know what my issues are, I know how I made her start to doubt my love, then start to resent me, and finally to drive her away to the point where she found a new "emotional husband" out there - and that it's lead as far as it has with him, well, yes those are her choices to make too but I put her on the path.

So - here's what I've been doing. A quick recap:

She returned from vacation on Sunday the 10th, that's when it started. I approached her FIRST, remember, before I EVER knew how badly she felt about things, or that there was any other person in the picture. Technically at that point, he was just starting to be there - at that point, they were just talking/friends. Probably lots of "testing the waters" going on, flirting, seeing who'd call who's bluff, whatever...but nothing had happened yet. I said I realized things were bad, and I wanted them to get back to what they were. She said, "So do I, but I'm not sure if I want that with you anymore."

So:

I immediately began counseling to work through my issues.

I immediately soul-searched as to what was wrong and what I had to fix. This is all in the early entries in this blog.

I took off the last 3 days of that week, both because I was an emotional wreck but also because The Boy was very sick and couldn't go to daycare. So that way EL could go to work full-time and not be taking half days and crap right after a vacation, and I could be with my son.

I've taken the last 2 weeks off, both to continue these things, but also 'cuz I'm still a bit of a basket case.

I began cleaning up the house (something I used to bitch about, but never did) and do more house-husbandy stuff. Dishes, cooking some meals, etc. I am still doing all those things.

I began to take an interest in her work life (which is hard to do without appearing to be "nosy" about the other guy, etc. but I'm trying to strike the right balance of talking about her customers, trouble with her immediate co-workers, etc. ) and make her understand I realize her job is just as stressful as mine.

I have not even remotely "lost my temper" since it began, nor will I. If I were gonna, it woulda been today at the freakin' toaster oven, lemme tell ya I went a nice round with that sucker today, the tray was jammed in it, then the little pizza rolls (for her and The Boy, not me, diet, remember?) fell all over the inside of the bastard...a few minor burns later, and not a single curse word was said. :)

I have done the grocery shopping, kept fresh flowers on the table, aroma candles burning when she gets home, all that stuff.

I am not "forcing" this behavoir. These are things I used to do, this is not me "pretending" or anything - I was always the sort to bring flowers home from time to time, make a meal here or there, run some laundry sometimes, etc. So I'm not really "faking" this stuff I'm trying to remember how I used to be and bring it back.

I make sure to play a lot more with The Boy when I can, get involved with him down on the floor with his toys, not just "watch" him. We do stuff together outside. I raked leaves and let him jump in the pile 'till he got sick of it. It's been nice.

I have made other changes - my diet, I've talked a lot about. I bought a nice new suit (I hate dressing "up") to wear to the wedding we went to, and actually I thought I looked pretty good and might just go back and blow a couple more hundred bucks on a few more shirt/tie combos to go with it.

I've gotten the yard looking a bit better. I've done some small things I kept talking about, like putting up my American flag, getting my Mustang back on the road, reclaiming the "family room" downstairs from the "storage room" it had become. (Still a way to go on THAT project, however!)

I'm going out of my way to be nice to her mother, even though that's still not being reciprocated. I had high hopes on that one after the talk we had 2 weeks ago where I told her a little bit about this - mainly that I realized I wasn't being a good husband and was working on it - but she's still pretty much a royal bitch to me. I think if she REALLY knew how bad things were, she might not be that way, but I can't possibly tell her what's really going on, that would really be the Wrong Thing To Do.


OK...so, there's all that. There's a lot more that I'm doing, but that's some of the "big stuff." I am looking at all my actions, all my words, all my choices...and making sure they are the right ones, the ones I would have done 2 years ago. Just doing the right thing as much as I can.


I am NOT trying to be all lovey-dovey with the wife because she tells me flat out she doesn't want that. It's pressure. It's controlling. She needs space. THAT is why I'm being the doormat and letting her "explore her feelings" with this guy. I HAVE NO OTHER CHOICE right now.

If I get angry about it, I'll just drive the wedge in deeper, probably for good. If I try to interfere or tell her what think, same thing. If I make demands that she break it off, etc...same thing.

She has said flat out, she won't even commit to trying to save the marriage until after she "explores her feelings." I know that's bullshit, completely unfair to the marriage and to me and herself, but the time is not yet right to call her on it. She does need her space and time here for a bit.

When I say I want her to "come to her senses" I don't mean that as pompous as it sounds. I mean it sincerely. I do not honestly think she is really considering what a divorce will mean - emotionally, financially, for the welfare of The Boy, etc. She is forgetting our 10 year history, our son, etc. The time is not yet right for me to throw all that in her face. She will just resent it and call it controlling/manipulating.

I won't be a doormat forever. I think I can handle this for a few more weeks, then I will finally have no choice but to call her on it, I guess. But my gut feeling AND my therapist both agree: Give her a lttle time to figure things out on her own.

I do wish she'd go to a counselor of her own. Someone to talk it out with, unbaised. I DO want my wife to do what's right for her. I can't HELP but think, though, that what's right is to at least GIVE ME A CHANCE to show her I can change. But if some 3rd party counselor was talking to her and helping her decide to move on, well, I'd have to put my money where my mouth is and accept that graciously, if it really is what is "right" for her. I just don't think it is. I think I can be "right" for her again, if she will just let me in.

I am also not trying to "change" into someone new. I know how unlikely that can be and how hard it would be for anyone to really feel it was a "true change."

No - what I really need to do is change BACK to who I used to be. Find myself again, find the man she married again and bring him to the surface. I know why he disappeared and I can bring him back, and I'm already making those moves.



Now....I promised in my comments I'd let the anger out a little, so now here I go to let 'er rip....


SURE I'm pissed off. I'M SEETHING with RAGE sometimes at how she's acting. I think she's being childish, naive, spiteful, vengeful and downright acting like a whore.

I hate this other guy - I wonder, what the FUCK is his problem? WHY is he doing this. Does he really care about my wife, is it a tender feeling of love and he wants what's best for her? OK, even if it really is that - SHE IS MARRIED and the "right thing" for him to do is tell her to at least stick around now that I realize what's what, and see if I change.

But, he's not doing that. He's fucking my wife. Either he's telling her I'm an asshole and she should leave, or he's telling her "let's just help each other thru this emotionally" and fucking her, or he's just a plain out and out player. I wrote in here how she told me, not seeing it the way I did, that "It's funny he said he thought I was having an affair with this other salesguy 'cuz he's always flirting and bothering me" or something like that. DUH, can she not SEE that's the reason this guy suddenly started taking an interest?

OK so I dunno what his motives are, but the fucker is messing with a married woman, no matter how bad his own marriage is, where does he get off? What would he think if I was fucking his wife, and she was telling him, "Well I just need to explore this...we're just helping each other through a tough time, you know...."

You better BELIEVE I have considered calling him and telling him off. At his work, for maximum embarrassment and anxiety on his part.

I've thought of doing something really funny, like sending my wife flowers from him, or vice-versa. Let them explain that to their co-workers. Or send flowers to his house, from my wife, when I know he's not home and his wife is. Let him think my wife's gone psycho on him. (I could deliver them myself, what the fuck would his wife know? LOL.)

I have CERTAINLY considered calling his wife, especially when he and my wife are "out" together, and filling her in on things. Having her wait up for him. Maybe with a copy of the Emails...

SURE I've thought about emailing their boss copies of the emails he was sending from his WORK email to my wife, while I was at the dentist, having dental implants drilled into my jawbone...where he was saying things your average drunken frat boy would be ashamed to write on a bathroom wall.

I've thought of hiring a private investigator to follow them, get pictures, the whole deal. I've thought about doing it myself. I've considered waiting outside his house some evening so I could figure out what kind of car he drives. Why, I don't know, but I'm sure I'd think of something.

I've considered sending copies of those Emails to her friends, family, her pastor at church, posting them on the walls where they work...

OF COURSE I THINK THESE THINGS.

But I WILL NOT do any of that. What would it serve? I WANT my family to get back together. I still love my wife, I know she's angry at me and she needs what she needs right now. I want to be the guy that can give it to her again, and to show her I can, I need to wait, keep doing what I'm doing, and hope she notices and gives it a chance.

I WILL NOT freak out. I am controlling those impulses. She probably doesn't think I can, but I am. I did tell her when I admitted a lot of this stuff, that I'd known his name and address for over a week (at the time) and didn't care nor plan to do anything, but that it was nice to know. I hope that made him think a little when he found out, though. (If she told him...)

And....yes, I made an appointment to talk to a lawyer next week. I will find out what I need to do, what other proof I need to gather of this affair. What legal maneuvers I can expect her to pull, and the counter moves.

I will find out what to do about my finances - do I want to cash out my stock options and put them in cash in a vault somewhere? Cash my 401k and do the same? What can she touch? What's off limits? What legal trouble can I get in by trying to hide assets or fiddle things around like that.

If this shit goes down, people....oh trust me, I will be ready! I -AM- a manipulator. I'm goddamn Machiavellian when I need to be. If this goes to a court, she will be out-lawyered so fast her head will spin. I will have made all the right moves and be ready to pounce on her before she even HAS a lawyer.

I have money in the bank that's mine. She has nothing but debt. Her parents will not help her with a divorce, financially. I know this. Especially when they find out about the affair, and all that. No how, no way. Yes, I know blood is thicker than anything - they will take her "side" I am sure, but they will not be happy about it and they are not wealthy. They won't be taking out a 2nd mortgage on their home to help her with lawyer fees, I'm pretty sure of that.

I don't know if I could win custody, but I'll try like hell. I'll use everything I've got. She is far from the perfect mother. She's had the affair. She will NOT get spouse support if I can help it. She never "subjugated" her career in any way for me or the family. Until I got a big "re-alignment with the industry" (basically, my company was paying about 10k a year less than comparable companies for the job we were doing) raise back in 2003, she earned more than I did. She did not put me through school or in any way contribute anything to me furthering my career, etc. I owe her nothing.

She brought nearly $20000 in debt into the marriage. I cashed $32000 in stock options to make the downpayment on the house, and paint/carpet it. (Yeah, I also sold another $15000 for the downpayment on my Mustang GT 'vert, but that was my first new car ever, cut me some slack! The market was UP baby! :) ) Our stock portfolio isn't worth shit anymore (except my remaining options, which are MINE alone) but all the money that I put into it came directly from those same stock-option sales and it's in my name alone so I might even be able to keep that. So I'm not even sure she'd be entitled to "half the house." I've put a shitload more into it than she has. She's got her new car, I've got mine. Our living room furniture/dining room set was my mothers and I will be DAMNED if I don't get that back. I'm serious, I will steal it if I have to.

So...I'm prepared for all of this.

I will NOT move out of my own house. She wants to leave, she can leave. I will NOT let her take my son out. He has slept here every night since he was born and he will continue to until a court of law says differently. Yes, her parents watch him for several hours a day 4 days a week, so that can and will continue if they want - but he'll come home every night even if she does not.

I will not let her put a PFA on me or anything without one hell of a fight. Yes, I've admitted in this blog I've thrown a thing or two in the last couple years. But I also have NO police record of violence, NO prior anything, I have an Email from her to her boyfriend saying, when he made a joke (?) about me beating him up, "Oh, no, he's never violent, he's not like that, just yells sometimes."

I've owned guns since I was 12 years old and never, EVER EVER even REFERRED to them in an angry manner. They're just hardware like the hammer and lawnmower in the garage. I was taught properly how to deal with guns and I always have. They're locked up now that The Boy is walking and getting into things.

I have a CCW (Concealed Carry Weapon) permit, and have for 10 years, and have carried a handgun in my car or in my belt for those 10 years without EVER even REFERRING to it in an argument, fight, road rage, anything. They don't give CCW permits to dangerous people here in Pennsylvania. You have to have references, etc. And they'll take it away the split second you even THINK of "brandishing" it in an argument or even threatening someone that you have one.

See - I DO have self-control, people. My anger is just that - a release, that I always thought to actually be harmless. Stupid and naive to think, I know, but I honestly thought that - and now that I know differently, it's over with.

I have never had a road rage episode - but she has. I have never threatened to hurt or kill anyone in my life - but she has.

So - she can't force me to leave. She will be BURIED in legal shit. She will be humiliated at work and in front of her family. She might even be fired from her job. She will have debts where I have capital and equity.

I consider that, if she doesn't decide to fix the marriage, then fine...what will be will be. I'm a better man than I was when she met me, and the changes I'm making now will just be that much the better. If I'm forced out into the single world now - well, I'm making a fat salary (and SHE won't be getting spousal support, remember), I've got the red convertible sports car, I'll be lean and in shape, I'll be a better dresser, I'll have re-discovered the creative, loving, romantic man I used to be....so if she still doesn't want that, others will. Possibly, women who will make her look like dirt by comparison. I'm not about that, really, "looks" aren't the important thing, that sounded like a very snarky paragraph there, but remember - I'm being "over the top" here on purpose. I'm letting the vain, pissed off, angry man out for a minute here, OK?

That's not what I want, but I consider it and think - I'll be fine. I'll meet new women if I want to. I don't want to right now, don't even want to think about it, consider it, imagine it. But I guess I am imagining it right now, eh?


Does me talking like this make anyone feel better? Not me, really, but I guess it's nice to let it all out for once.

I just hope anyone who comes across this, this isn't the first blog entry they read...or they will truly misunderstand who and what I am, and what I am trying to do with my situation.



I am being a doormat by CHOICE right now. Because...........having said all this shit....

I love my wife.
I love my son.
I love my family.
I love BEING a family.
I love BEING a husband.
My wedding day was truly the happiest day of my life. I never want to look back on that with melancholy. I always want to be able to look back on it with joy.


I love what she helped me become - call it co-dependant or whatever label you give it, but I became a better man for her. She didn't "help" necessarily, but I worked for what I worked for for her and my son, not really for me. Before I met her I was content to be a slacker, live with Mom, earn enough for beer money and CD's and keep gas in the car, and that was it.

So....yes, I whine and cry in this blog, wishing and hoping my wife will "wake up" to all this, see what we had, what we've invested in each other, and be willing to let me show her I can get it back to where it was and move on.

I will NOT wait for ever, but I will wait. She can go on her dates. If she hasn't fucked him yet, she will, and she's already committed adultery, so what does a few more "times" really matter? I'll deal with the "male pride" and infidelity issues later.

Sure, I could go get a girlfriend, but I don't want one. (er, I mean, I could TRY. Didn't mean to imply I'm so conceited as think I could "get one" right away...lol) She implied that would be fine with her.

That would only show that I'm not sincere in that I love her and want to save our marriage.

I've had offers. There is at least one person at work right now who is, and has been for years, willing to be a "fuck buddy." No strings, no calling the next day, just get together when one "booty calls" the other and have at it. I'm not interested.

There was a girl once in one of my classes (I was a trainer at the time) who came on to me RELENTLESSLY for 4 weeks. We're talking, dirty emails, dirty notes left on my desk, FLASHING me in class from the back of the room (skirt, no underwear, and some creative pubic barbering), asking for "extra help" at the end of the day and locking the door behind her and starting to take off her clothes...

You don't believe it, do you. Well, trust me, it's true. I've saved some of the notes and emails, even if just to prove to myself that it happened. And lemme tell you ladies and gentlemen, this was not an unattractive woman. She was 22, 5'10", about 110lbs, long blonde hair, pretty face...trust me, anyone would call her "hot." But, she was also sorta easy-sleazy, too. (Obviously!!) And I said no.

And fuck YEAH, I've always been a little bit proud of myself for that. Sorry if that's "wrong." But I have been. I've watched that same woman fuck her way through the company - no, not to "get ahead", just because she's that kind of woman. Gets off on the power trip, or something, I don't know, that's not my point. (It's a double standard anyway, if a woman wants to fuck around and have sex with a lot of people, she should be able to, same as guys are...IF she's not MARRIED, that is!!)

But yeah, I've always had a little bit of pride that I could look at her and say, "I said no to that." I'm not alone, one of my best friends at work was also the target of her, and he also said no. There are probably many other men who did, too. But there are plenty of them - married or not - who haven't. She's not discreet, trust me.

My friend and I laugh about it sometimes. Sure, we laugh and wonder if we were stupid (there are no second chances with this type, you know, you spurn her once and she's not coming back again) but deep down, I think we both know what was right.

Or hell maybe we were just afraid, as he puts it, of catching some sort of "medeival sexually transmitted disease." Y'know, something that'll end up in medical journals and PBS "Nova" specials. "This disease was thought to be eradicated after the Dark Ages, when men stopped having sex with dead plague rats and discovered live sheep were more responsive, however it has resurfaced in this small Pennsylvania town..."

But whatever, we didn't do it, and it was free and easy if we wanted it.

Point is - I'm not about that. I'm not that kind of man. Yeah, I've THOUGHT it, but that's all. Guess what, if I get sexually frustrated, I've got a right hand. I'm not looking for a pretty girl, a flashy life, to be a big stud, to be a manly man for others. I don't give a shit about appearances, mainly. I care about people. Sure, you need to see something beautiful in the person you want to be with, but that's not always on the outside.

So....yeah, it hurts what she's doing. Yeah, I feel like a doormat, a cuckold in my own home...worse, because I KNOW it.


(Aside: I just had a flashback...holy shit, I know exactly what I am. I once went to Texas on business with a woman, a Hispanic lady. Very nice, outgoing, attractive, and she also had a little hint of "that type" in her. Made comments about "what happens in Texas, stays in Texas...you know how offsite business trips are..." We had drinks and partied with the other folks from the company out there, but nothing like that. But that wasn't my point.

I remember we were watching a movie at the hotel one night, I want to say it was that stupid sequel to "El Mariachi" with Antonio Bandares, but don't recall. But anyway, we got talking about Spanish profanity. I remember asking her, "What's a "cabron" anyway? Never could figure that one out."

She said, "Oooh...that's a really, really bad one....it's like, your woman is fucking another guy, and you know it, and you're taking it."

Wow, what weird well of memory did that come bubbling up from...but it fits perfectly, doesn't it? I gotta go look that up, I wonder if it's the same root as "cuckold" in fact...

(time passes)

LOL...sure 'nuff, according to a Spanish-language dictionary, "Cabron" (accent on the o I don't know how to make here) means "cuckold." I guess she just didn't know that word in English. Because, what else is a cuckold but a guy "who's woman is fucking another man, and you know it, and you're taking it."

OK, pardon my little foray into linguistics there. I do like words, you know...Aside over.)

Anyway...there. That's the "angry post."

I love my wife still, I want our family to get through this and move on. I am doing everything I can to let that happen - being the good husband, the good dad, and a good man. NOT because I want to "win anyone back" but because it's the right thing to do. I am not "allowed" yet to try to do the touching, loving, snuggling, "schmoopy" stuff. She says it's confusing and she doesn't want to do anything she doesn't feel. (I bite my tounge and don't say, "But you said you don't love this guy at work, but it's not stopping you..." The time is not yet right.)


JustJennifer, you had a comment about how I need to make sure the changes I'm making are sustainable. I couldn't agree more - like I said, I am changing BACK to who I was, the person I lost - not into someone new. I know how much harder that would be. The anger thing and the food thing, those are going to be "new" changes, but I can sustain them....I know I can.


But if...if she really really wants this....then she will be hit with a whirlwind of acrimony, bitterness, legal fights, humiliation, debt...all of it.

And no, I WON'T tell her that.

#1, because that's controlling and manipulating. I don't want to try to "beat her back" into the marriage by fear of what will happen. That's ludicrious and impossible, and exactly what she hates about me and what she's afraid I'll try.

but...also...

#2, because - Machiavellian again - why the hell would I tip my hand like that? No...she will be blindsided and hammered. (legally, people, legally - don't misconstrue.)



OK....anyone feel better about any of that? I really don't, but I guess people had to see that side of me too.

Remember - I just want to fix it all, and I'm trying. I have to give her the space for a little while, but when the time is right, I will definitely begin to have conversations...hopefully she will come to me first, but if she doesn't, I won't let this go on forever and I'll tell her what I need to say.

But I don't think it will come to that. I'm trying to stay optimistic as my therapist mentioned, and think that she will come to me to talk it over within a few more weeks.