Thusday night. More of the same.

Well. Not much going on really. I threw a dinner together and did a little work in the yard. Bought some more healthy food (damn, it's expensive to eat right!!) and fruit, and a new pumpkin to carve tomorrow. We got some about 3 weeks ago at the local "pumpkin patch" where you pick your own, but they had some "bad spots" that ended up getting all rotty and gross...not carvable, they're just sitting on the porch now for ambiance....

EL's father had been "modifying" the old riding mower he gave us to fit on a bagger attachment, which is good...because I hate raking up the dead grass after mowing. So I usually don't, but then it kills the good grass in spots and builds up a lot of "thatch" in places, so next summer (should I still be living here, please!) our lawn will look a lot better now that he's done that for us. So anyway he brought that over around 5pm as I was bringing The Boy back from day care.

He's a great guy that way, a real "tinker" with stuff, can fix anything, can kludge together a couple of broken things into one good working one, stuff like that. So that was cool.

But I had to move around stuff in the garage to make more room for the mower now with the big attachment on the back and side...and so when EL came home, she couldn't park in the garage.

OK, so she was home later than usual, she was supposed to be at the chiropractor (ugh don't get me started) but now I wonder if she went there at all. But regardless, she came home and as she walked in (parking the car in the driveway) she said, "I was at the mall, looking for slippers to go with my costume for tomorrow." OK, fine.

So we had dinner with her dad, all was well, she changed into pajamas, was going to put The Boy to bed...but as her dad was leaving I said, "I'll move EL's car for you, I think it's blocking your truck."

Whoa...she perked right up, "Oh, I'll move it!" I tell you, she is SO BAD AT THIS. If she'd not said a word, I'd have gotten in, pulled the car in, and thought nothing of it. Of course now I was curious - why was she so concerned? She didn't want me to see something in the car. But I was in the garage when she came out and moved it in, and she carried in a bag.

"What's that?" I asked. I knew better, but I did anyway. She said, "I bought some things...but I really did go looking for slippers." (whatever) "Can I see?" I asked. She got kinda pissy, like "Fine, bought some underwear...here....look, happy?"

Now, of course I wanted to know, but I am also trying to take an interest, you know? Fact is, she bought a LOT more sexy underwear.

Now, I know a woman buys that to feel good about HERSELF. But it's ALSO so she can think about how she'll look to someone that might see her in it, you know? At least, I know my wife well enough to know that's the case with her. And this wasn't just like sexy normal wear stuff. This was defintely something to wear for a "special occasion." To look good for a while, but not the kind of thing you wear all day, under your clothing, if you know what I mean.

So....I'm right back to being depressed and shitty again. I felt better this afternoon thinking maybe she was starting to think a little, moving a little closer back "in." Especially after talking to my therapist who said he felt that could happen...

But now I'm just thinking about the slutty underwear and when he'll get to see it. Thigh-highs, garters, the whole deal. Great. Just...fucking....great.

Shit now I'm really starting to feel miserable. Damn me and my goddamn perception. I just make it worse for myself, I should try to be stupider about things and ignore it all, but she's SO BAD AT HIDING ANYTHING. Part of me actually thinks that's the point. That she might be doing it all on purpose hoping to push me over the edge, drive me out, make me give up, etc. I actually asked her that today, later. I said, "Are you upset that I still love you? Did it suprise you, did you think I would just agree and give up and leave, or are you doing these things to try to push me away on purpose, to see how much I can stand before I can't take it anymore?" She said no to all of that, and I know I shouldn't have been talking about it all, so I bit my tounge and swallowed all the other things I suddenly wanted to say, or ask. She'll talk when she's ready can I can't rush it. But regardless what she says, I do still wonder if she isn't hoping that...if she just keeps it up, I'll hit my overload, hit my limit, and just give up and leave.

But it's not going to work. I will not do that to her, to myself, to The Boy. I've given up too easily on other things in the past, if she wants to leave then she'll have to face up and leave herself...I'm not giving in, I know what's right and I'll put up with this if I have to to show her what she and my family means to me.

I am all upset and shaking and fluttery-chested and flushed again...dammit I wish I could NOT keep imagining my wife wearing that stuff. For someone else. ARGH but I can't.

It's like that stupid mental exercise you do in school or a seminar somewhere at some point. Someone says, "OK, whatever you do, for the next 2 minutes, do not think of a green elephant." It's impossible, of course. Once you've been told not to think that, your mind constantly returns to it if you want it to or not...same thing with this now. Victoria's Secret. Teddy, stockings, garters, etc. Not for wearing to work. Not for me. DAMN IT GET OUT OF MY HEAD. STOP THINKING ABOUT IT....

Quote:

"....until I felt I must scream or die! Listen! It grows louder...louder...LOUDER!

"Villains!" I shrieked, "dissemble no more! Stop your mocking, patronizing smiles! I admit the deed! Here! HERE!! 'Tis the beating of his hideous heart!!"

(Poe, Tell-Tale Heart, from memory, pardon the paraphrase.)


Gad, I'm cracking up. I gotta go to bed.

When the hell is this Prozac going to start making me feel any different. I do notice I'm a bit tired lately all day. Not sure if that's a side effect, because I'm not eating enough, or because I'm getting up at 6am every day. Maybe all 3.



Food log today: Added up to 1080 calories. Fresh fruit, nice breakfast, salad lunch, soy meat and veggie dinner. Yeah, under 1200 again. But screw it, I feel fine. I still wish for a scale, I should probably just buy one tomorrow when I'm out shoppin'.


Zebra: Thanks again for keeping me sane.
K-Dog: Hope ya feel better. See ya Monday.