Wednesday night.
Blogspot seems to have been crashed or otherwise off the net most of the day, but, that doesn't matter as not much going on.
EL and I had a normal friendly day, pretending nothing is going on. I didn't talk to her at all last night about where she was or what she was doing, and she didn't offer. Maybe she wasn't out with him at all, I don't know. Probably she was, but whatever. I promised her space so space she shall receive. If she wants to talk to me she can.
She came home around 9, changed (but didn't run right for the shower this time at least) and lay down in bed for a bit, then said she was hungry and went out to McDonalds.
Interesting...so, apparently, she was out from 5-9 somewhere, presumably with him, but didn't get anything to eat? Yeah. That's.........not encouraging.
Then again maybe she was too upset/nervous to eat. I can believe that, she never did eat much on our early dates. I don't know but thinking about it eats me up so I am trying to avoid it.
So...that was last night. Today she was off to work at her "usual" (for now) time of about 7:15 or so. I am certain they have breakfast meetings or something. But that is just talk so whatever. Maybe they've cooled it down to just talking again. Maybe not. Crap, here it is A SINGLE PARAGRAPH LATER and already I'm obsessing about it again....great resolve there, JD...
Anyway...so today, The Boy and I had breakfast (I upped it to cereal with milk, slice of toast w/fake butter, AND an apple) then I gave him his bath - he has a head cold and wakes up very snotty so I give him a Vicks Vapo-Bath in the morning to loosen him up, suck the snot out, and he seems better thru the day for that. Took him to daycare and he CRIED...every day he cries worse now. He's definitely picked up a vibe. When I took him into his room to get him some clothes, he picked up this little Sock-Puppet bunny rabbit that he's not really ever paid attention to before, hugged it, said "I want the bunny" and WOULD NOT LET IT GO for the next hour as I got him ready, took my own shower, got his baby bag ready, drove him to daycare....and he FREAKED. They aren't supposed to take their own toys in there but the poor little man just had a spaz in the parking lot "I WANT THE BUNNY I WANT THE BUNNY" so what could I do, I took it in and they were nice there, let him keep it if it calmed him down...he's getting worse about day care and I know it's because he feels things are weird here. Plus he's seeing me so much more and his mom so much less.
Though, she did come home at normal 5:15 today, had the dinner I made, it was reasonably normal here today.
We bought some tickets for the Ringling Brothers / Barnum & Bailey Circus (that's THE circus, y'know...and an old-fashioned politically-incorrect PETA-aggravating trained-animals-doing-tricks kind. I know, in some ways that's bad, but c'mon the kid's gotta see at least ONE old-fasioned circus in his life!!) that's in Reading, PA on Saturday, so that will be fun.
It was right here in the Lehigh Valley this week, I actually had the dates wrong when we went ot the website and found out it was YESTERDAY I got upset (no, not THAT kind of upset! Just sad and angry at myself for not checking sooner) because - come ON...who has a circus on a TUESDAY?!?! That makes NO SENSE. I had seen it in the paper 2 weeks ago and was SURE it was the weekend. But, we saw that it's in Reading on the weekend and that's only an hour or less away from here, so we're doin' that.
So that will be nice, I hope.
Otherwise...came home, resumed cleaning up the downstairs (notice it's taken like 3 days and I'm still not really close to being done? That tells you waht it was like down here. Lots of exercise lugging boxes of books and other stuff up to the attic. A lot of the mess is junk that was in my old room at my Mom's house, which my brother took over whem Mom died back in 97, and he finally last year said "You gotta take this crap." So I came over, loaded up tons of stuff, brought it home...and dumped it down here where it's sat ever since...we're talking stuff from when JD was 12-through-24 or so. Comic books (worthless, but maybe someday.......) old computer hardware (classic stuff!! TRS-80's. Commodore 64s!) tons and tons of books, college textbooks, Dungeons & Dragons stuff, you name it...detritius of the 80's and 90's...) and made dinner. Nothing special at all, but hey I did it....
At the moment she's up there putting him to sleep and I'm down here blogging this and copying a DVD (Fahrenheit 9/11 if you must know...) we gotta take back tonight. I'll get up there and fulfill my fatherly duties as soon as it's done burning, she said that was OK...and he needs some Mommy time anyway he's had too much Daddy time for a change, which is good, but he's been missing his Mommy really bad and if I tell her that, I'd be "controlling and manipulating" her...
Not much else to talk about.
Food log? Well it's upstairs, but I bet it wasn't over 1000 calories again, and I TRIED...Had a larger breakfast, another "Healthy Choice" (whatever that is, fat-free I assume...I'm a sucker for advertising, it says "Healthy Choice" so I order that one. Could be Soylent Green in there for all I know...) Turkey & Swiss 6" sub for lunch, and even a big spoonful of potato salad (with fatty mayonaise and all!) with my soy-meat dinner. It's just not adding up to a lot of calories...but, I don't feel woozy, weak or lightheaded or anything, not even particularly fatigued, and I do take multivitamins...so I guess I'm OK until I start working harder. Trust me people, if my body tells me to eat more, I will. I'm not crazy, but I am determined. I wish I'd had a scale to weigh myself before this all started, I don't have a baseline to know what I've lost.
I know, it's not all about "pounds" but to me, right now, it kind of is. I want that sort of easy, empiracal benchmark, to be able to look at a scale every day and watch it drop a pound here, a pound there, etc...that's important to me, makes it seem like it's working. I do remember last time I dropped 50lbs, it was pretty cool watching the marks on my belt march further and further inwards...I really hope I can keep this up and get down to where I need to be, for both me and for The Boy.
And, hell, that's it. Nothing else to talk about really...no changes. Tomorrow's session with my therapist will doubtless be sorta boring, but that's good...without any "crisis" to discuss I guess we can just focus on more mental things I can be doing to help the situation and try to calm down and accept things...
EL and I had a normal friendly day, pretending nothing is going on. I didn't talk to her at all last night about where she was or what she was doing, and she didn't offer. Maybe she wasn't out with him at all, I don't know. Probably she was, but whatever. I promised her space so space she shall receive. If she wants to talk to me she can.
She came home around 9, changed (but didn't run right for the shower this time at least) and lay down in bed for a bit, then said she was hungry and went out to McDonalds.
Interesting...so, apparently, she was out from 5-9 somewhere, presumably with him, but didn't get anything to eat? Yeah. That's.........not encouraging.
Then again maybe she was too upset/nervous to eat. I can believe that, she never did eat much on our early dates. I don't know but thinking about it eats me up so I am trying to avoid it.
So...that was last night. Today she was off to work at her "usual" (for now) time of about 7:15 or so. I am certain they have breakfast meetings or something. But that is just talk so whatever. Maybe they've cooled it down to just talking again. Maybe not. Crap, here it is A SINGLE PARAGRAPH LATER and already I'm obsessing about it again....great resolve there, JD...
Anyway...so today, The Boy and I had breakfast (I upped it to cereal with milk, slice of toast w/fake butter, AND an apple) then I gave him his bath - he has a head cold and wakes up very snotty so I give him a Vicks Vapo-Bath in the morning to loosen him up, suck the snot out, and he seems better thru the day for that. Took him to daycare and he CRIED...every day he cries worse now. He's definitely picked up a vibe. When I took him into his room to get him some clothes, he picked up this little Sock-Puppet bunny rabbit that he's not really ever paid attention to before, hugged it, said "I want the bunny" and WOULD NOT LET IT GO for the next hour as I got him ready, took my own shower, got his baby bag ready, drove him to daycare....and he FREAKED. They aren't supposed to take their own toys in there but the poor little man just had a spaz in the parking lot "I WANT THE BUNNY I WANT THE BUNNY" so what could I do, I took it in and they were nice there, let him keep it if it calmed him down...he's getting worse about day care and I know it's because he feels things are weird here. Plus he's seeing me so much more and his mom so much less.
Though, she did come home at normal 5:15 today, had the dinner I made, it was reasonably normal here today.
We bought some tickets for the Ringling Brothers / Barnum & Bailey Circus (that's THE circus, y'know...and an old-fashioned politically-incorrect PETA-aggravating trained-animals-doing-tricks kind. I know, in some ways that's bad, but c'mon the kid's gotta see at least ONE old-fasioned circus in his life!!) that's in Reading, PA on Saturday, so that will be fun.
It was right here in the Lehigh Valley this week, I actually had the dates wrong when we went ot the website and found out it was YESTERDAY I got upset (no, not THAT kind of upset! Just sad and angry at myself for not checking sooner) because - come ON...who has a circus on a TUESDAY?!?! That makes NO SENSE. I had seen it in the paper 2 weeks ago and was SURE it was the weekend. But, we saw that it's in Reading on the weekend and that's only an hour or less away from here, so we're doin' that.
So that will be nice, I hope.
Otherwise...came home, resumed cleaning up the downstairs (notice it's taken like 3 days and I'm still not really close to being done? That tells you waht it was like down here. Lots of exercise lugging boxes of books and other stuff up to the attic. A lot of the mess is junk that was in my old room at my Mom's house, which my brother took over whem Mom died back in 97, and he finally last year said "You gotta take this crap." So I came over, loaded up tons of stuff, brought it home...and dumped it down here where it's sat ever since...we're talking stuff from when JD was 12-through-24 or so. Comic books (worthless, but maybe someday.......) old computer hardware (classic stuff!! TRS-80's. Commodore 64s!) tons and tons of books, college textbooks, Dungeons & Dragons stuff, you name it...detritius of the 80's and 90's...) and made dinner. Nothing special at all, but hey I did it....
At the moment she's up there putting him to sleep and I'm down here blogging this and copying a DVD (Fahrenheit 9/11 if you must know...) we gotta take back tonight. I'll get up there and fulfill my fatherly duties as soon as it's done burning, she said that was OK...and he needs some Mommy time anyway he's had too much Daddy time for a change, which is good, but he's been missing his Mommy really bad and if I tell her that, I'd be "controlling and manipulating" her...
Not much else to talk about.
Food log? Well it's upstairs, but I bet it wasn't over 1000 calories again, and I TRIED...Had a larger breakfast, another "Healthy Choice" (whatever that is, fat-free I assume...I'm a sucker for advertising, it says "Healthy Choice" so I order that one. Could be Soylent Green in there for all I know...) Turkey & Swiss 6" sub for lunch, and even a big spoonful of potato salad (with fatty mayonaise and all!) with my soy-meat dinner. It's just not adding up to a lot of calories...but, I don't feel woozy, weak or lightheaded or anything, not even particularly fatigued, and I do take multivitamins...so I guess I'm OK until I start working harder. Trust me people, if my body tells me to eat more, I will. I'm not crazy, but I am determined. I wish I'd had a scale to weigh myself before this all started, I don't have a baseline to know what I've lost.
I know, it's not all about "pounds" but to me, right now, it kind of is. I want that sort of easy, empiracal benchmark, to be able to look at a scale every day and watch it drop a pound here, a pound there, etc...that's important to me, makes it seem like it's working. I do remember last time I dropped 50lbs, it was pretty cool watching the marks on my belt march further and further inwards...I really hope I can keep this up and get down to where I need to be, for both me and for The Boy.
And, hell, that's it. Nothing else to talk about really...no changes. Tomorrow's session with my therapist will doubtless be sorta boring, but that's good...without any "crisis" to discuss I guess we can just focus on more mental things I can be doing to help the situation and try to calm down and accept things...
posted by Fensty at 7:30 PM
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