Sunday Mornin' Comin' Down...
Well. We just had a short conversation, interrupted though by her mother coming over - they're going shopping. Later, we're all going to the mall to pick up a few things, then grocery shopping.
A personal aside on my diet habits the last 2 weeks - skip this smaller text if you don't care - it's going well. I am not "starving" myself - I just didn't give a shit about food for the first week or so. And now, I'm finding it very easy to not pick up the bad habits again. I've decided on a 1200 calorie a day diet, that seems to be the very minimum recommended for health and safety. And I'm taking the appropriate multivitamins and things. Actually I'm cheating and shooting more for 1000 calories but I'm sure the odd bit here and there I don't keep track of adds up to the other 200.
About the only "junk food" I've eaten in 2 weeks was a McDonald's cheeseburger, a single bite-sized Butterfinger, and a handful of Spree candy. And you know, I felt guilty as shit about the Spree candy. :) I feel "full" now after a small salad and a couple of grapes, or a 90 calorie breakfast bar. So, I'm eating salads with fake crabmeat on them (80 cals and 0 fat/0 cholesterol) and 0 calorie/0 cholesterol dressing. It's not getting boring yet. Lots of soyburgers, beef jerky when I just HAVE to snack (the high pepper content makes one ounce of it stretch out for a few hours and I was surprised to find that the good beef jerky has only 80 cals an ounce, only 10 from fat. NOT low in cholesterol but that's about the only thing I'm eating that isn't) and other veggie/soy stuff like that.
I know I should be drinking only water, but I just can't handle that. I'm not thrilled with all the "NutraSweet" (aspertame) I'm getting in the diet soda, diet iced tea and Crystal Lite type stuff I'm drinking...but sorry, plain water isn't an option. Gotta have something with some taste to fill up and distract from the "grazing" pattern of eating I used to do. No more comfort eating, no more "grazing." I'm looking for alternatives, if anyone can suggest. I used to drink a lot of flavored Seltzer water back in the day, I should look into that when we go shopping today. I think it was NOT NutraSweet flavoring but was "sugared" but was only like 10 calories per 2 liter bottle or something.
The tradeoff seems to be high sodium intake - all that soy burger stuff and 0-calorie/0-cholesterol condiments like salad dressing or mustard are LOADED with sodium - but my very preliminary research on that seems to be that sodium's main danger is high blood pressure and surprisingly for a guy who's a good 80lbs overweight, my blood pressure has always been very good, even a tad low - generally they tell me around 120/70 when I get it checked.
Last Saturday when I was at the dentist, after a week of not sleeping and massive anxiety (literally nonstop anxiety for 5 days, remember...) AND being all torqued-up over the dental surgery about to start...it was 130/87...which is just the pre-stages of high blood pressure, and again, a LOT of mitigating factors at that moment in time!! So of my many issues, I don't fear for my blood pressure right now. The cholesterol was much worse - I've been giving blood for about a year now (gotta do SOMETHING to get some good karma!) and when they send me the little paper telling me my cholesterol...I cringe. It's around 280-300 which is described as, "dangerous - consult your doctor about steps to control your cholesterol."
So...right now it's weight control and cholesterol I'm concentrating on. I'll worry about the sodium in 9 months. At 2lbs/week starting from 2 weeks ago in 9 months I'll be under 200lbs which is my target. I'm a large-framed broad-shouldered person at 5'11" so I'm supposed to weigh 195.
Let's hope I still have a wife and family then....
Well anyway, most of the rest of this morning's entry can be taken from an Email I just sent to my friend, who read the last entry and replied, basically, "DATE NIGHT?! WTF!?!"
Here goes:
So...yeah, it's pretty bad. We just talked a bit now, finally. I said I didn't want to pressure or dwell on a long conversation, but sooner or later we had to talk about what was going on and stop pretending, and all that. She said, "Let's talk now then..."
So, I got a chance and I said some things I had to say about how it's not fair and how she should just think a little - how she does have control and she's making the choices... She could choose not to see this guy if she didn't want to.
She keeps saying I caused the situation and she needs to "explore" her feelings. She said "maybe we need a trial separation then" but I said nope. I said that just makes it more sure it's over for sure, and I'm committed to trying.
I don't know, it's bad....very bad. But I'm committed to that - I am not leaving, and if she wants to leave, she's leaving without The Boy. This is his address of residence, he's not leaving without my permission and I'm not giving it. She'll have to start the whole court situation moving if that's what she wants.
So, she keeps saying she needs to "explore this thing." I didn't hammer on it or make any demands, or really say much of anything. It was a 5 minute conversation. My point was just to say, let's not pretend you're going out for coffee and a nice chat. Be honest with yourself and me about what's going on. I don't want a "report card" on what's happening, nothing like that. Just want her to stop lying to me and herself (maybe?) about it. Admit she's having an affair and doesn't plan to stop it right now. But as for her privacy and all that - what, is she crazy? Does she think I WANT a blow-by-blow (bad pun!) description of what's going on? Hell no. I know too much already. My ONLY "demand" is going to be that she not bring him here, ever. And I may take some steps to make sure that doesn't happen. A simple webcam pointed at the downstairs landing will be plenty - whether you'd come in the front door or garage, that'd capture a picture. It's not invading privacy because it's my house too, and all it'd be doing is record who's coming and going.
Stalker-ish? I guess, maybe, pretty much so...but it IS my house too. I have a right to know who's here when I'm not.
"What the fuck..." is all I can say to that. The ONLY way that's going to happen, is as I keep hoping to myself, is if the guy really is a jerk and a player. I keep praying once he gets what he wants, he'll get tired of it. Or, if he really is this great guy who really cares about her, but he doesn't want to leave his own wife...he'll finally tell her that it'll never be more than a fling with him. But, if he's really sincere in his attempt to take my wife away - our marriage and family, and me, are truly fucked.
I think if she does leave me, and try to start up with him (she'll say it's not "because" of him, but it will be - I might've driven it to this, but she's got the power to choose her actions and if she lets him interfere with her feelings or attempts to save a marriage, well, that's leaving me because of him) I'm quite sure it won't work. She'll be alone in a year or so, she'll have destroyed everything, and it could've been better if she'd tried. And what will I do then? I don't know. I won't be able to come back and try again, I don't think, because I won't be able to trust and so I'll be afraid it'll happen all over again.
It's probably silly to be thinking of things a year in the future, but what else does a mind do when left alone to turn in on itself?
So...now I'm sad, depressed, AND continuing to be a bit angry. Just angry in the sense of my feelings - not "angry" like those anger issues of the past...don't misunderstand! :)
Next time ya read the blog, it'll be half of this Email. :)
--------------
And...so it is! I added a bit here and there I guess, but essentially, that's where we stand after half a conversation on the matter.
A personal aside on my diet habits the last 2 weeks - skip this smaller text if you don't care - it's going well. I am not "starving" myself - I just didn't give a shit about food for the first week or so. And now, I'm finding it very easy to not pick up the bad habits again. I've decided on a 1200 calorie a day diet, that seems to be the very minimum recommended for health and safety. And I'm taking the appropriate multivitamins and things. Actually I'm cheating and shooting more for 1000 calories but I'm sure the odd bit here and there I don't keep track of adds up to the other 200.
About the only "junk food" I've eaten in 2 weeks was a McDonald's cheeseburger, a single bite-sized Butterfinger, and a handful of Spree candy. And you know, I felt guilty as shit about the Spree candy. :) I feel "full" now after a small salad and a couple of grapes, or a 90 calorie breakfast bar. So, I'm eating salads with fake crabmeat on them (80 cals and 0 fat/0 cholesterol) and 0 calorie/0 cholesterol dressing. It's not getting boring yet. Lots of soyburgers, beef jerky when I just HAVE to snack (the high pepper content makes one ounce of it stretch out for a few hours and I was surprised to find that the good beef jerky has only 80 cals an ounce, only 10 from fat. NOT low in cholesterol but that's about the only thing I'm eating that isn't) and other veggie/soy stuff like that.
I know I should be drinking only water, but I just can't handle that. I'm not thrilled with all the "NutraSweet" (aspertame) I'm getting in the diet soda, diet iced tea and Crystal Lite type stuff I'm drinking...but sorry, plain water isn't an option. Gotta have something with some taste to fill up and distract from the "grazing" pattern of eating I used to do. No more comfort eating, no more "grazing." I'm looking for alternatives, if anyone can suggest. I used to drink a lot of flavored Seltzer water back in the day, I should look into that when we go shopping today. I think it was NOT NutraSweet flavoring but was "sugared" but was only like 10 calories per 2 liter bottle or something.
The tradeoff seems to be high sodium intake - all that soy burger stuff and 0-calorie/0-cholesterol condiments like salad dressing or mustard are LOADED with sodium - but my very preliminary research on that seems to be that sodium's main danger is high blood pressure and surprisingly for a guy who's a good 80lbs overweight, my blood pressure has always been very good, even a tad low - generally they tell me around 120/70 when I get it checked.
Last Saturday when I was at the dentist, after a week of not sleeping and massive anxiety (literally nonstop anxiety for 5 days, remember...) AND being all torqued-up over the dental surgery about to start...it was 130/87...which is just the pre-stages of high blood pressure, and again, a LOT of mitigating factors at that moment in time!! So of my many issues, I don't fear for my blood pressure right now. The cholesterol was much worse - I've been giving blood for about a year now (gotta do SOMETHING to get some good karma!) and when they send me the little paper telling me my cholesterol...I cringe. It's around 280-300 which is described as, "dangerous - consult your doctor about steps to control your cholesterol."
So...right now it's weight control and cholesterol I'm concentrating on. I'll worry about the sodium in 9 months. At 2lbs/week starting from 2 weeks ago in 9 months I'll be under 200lbs which is my target. I'm a large-framed broad-shouldered person at 5'11" so I'm supposed to weigh 195.
Let's hope I still have a wife and family then....
Well anyway, most of the rest of this morning's entry can be taken from an Email I just sent to my friend, who read the last entry and replied, basically, "DATE NIGHT?! WTF!?!"
Here goes:
So...yeah, it's pretty bad. We just talked a bit now, finally. I said I didn't want to pressure or dwell on a long conversation, but sooner or later we had to talk about what was going on and stop pretending, and all that. She said, "Let's talk now then..."
So, I got a chance and I said some things I had to say about how it's not fair and how she should just think a little - how she does have control and she's making the choices... She could choose not to see this guy if she didn't want to.
She keeps saying I caused the situation and she needs to "explore" her feelings. She said "maybe we need a trial separation then" but I said nope. I said that just makes it more sure it's over for sure, and I'm committed to trying.
I don't know, it's bad....very bad. But I'm committed to that - I am not leaving, and if she wants to leave, she's leaving without The Boy. This is his address of residence, he's not leaving without my permission and I'm not giving it. She'll have to start the whole court situation moving if that's what she wants.
So, she keeps saying she needs to "explore this thing." I didn't hammer on it or make any demands, or really say much of anything. It was a 5 minute conversation. My point was just to say, let's not pretend you're going out for coffee and a nice chat. Be honest with yourself and me about what's going on. I don't want a "report card" on what's happening, nothing like that. Just want her to stop lying to me and herself (maybe?) about it. Admit she's having an affair and doesn't plan to stop it right now. But as for her privacy and all that - what, is she crazy? Does she think I WANT a blow-by-blow (bad pun!) description of what's going on? Hell no. I know too much already. My ONLY "demand" is going to be that she not bring him here, ever. And I may take some steps to make sure that doesn't happen. A simple webcam pointed at the downstairs landing will be plenty - whether you'd come in the front door or garage, that'd capture a picture. It's not invading privacy because it's my house too, and all it'd be doing is record who's coming and going.
Stalker-ish? I guess, maybe, pretty much so...but it IS my house too. I have a right to know who's here when I'm not.
Anyway, with all this "date night"and "exploring this relationship" talk...Honestly, I think she's being stupid and childish...petulant. My opinion isn't really valid I guess, it's just a bit biased. She says it's not revenge or anything, and I'm saying, "It's not revenge that started it, but it might as well be. You can't commit to fixing a marriage if you have a boyfriend at the same time."
She's basically saying, not in words but actions, that she's not committed to saving the marriage at this time. Her thing seems to be, "I MIGHT be committed to saving the marriage, AFTER I explore this relationship.""What the fuck..." is all I can say to that. The ONLY way that's going to happen, is as I keep hoping to myself, is if the guy really is a jerk and a player. I keep praying once he gets what he wants, he'll get tired of it. Or, if he really is this great guy who really cares about her, but he doesn't want to leave his own wife...he'll finally tell her that it'll never be more than a fling with him. But, if he's really sincere in his attempt to take my wife away - our marriage and family, and me, are truly fucked.
I think if she does leave me, and try to start up with him (she'll say it's not "because" of him, but it will be - I might've driven it to this, but she's got the power to choose her actions and if she lets him interfere with her feelings or attempts to save a marriage, well, that's leaving me because of him) I'm quite sure it won't work. She'll be alone in a year or so, she'll have destroyed everything, and it could've been better if she'd tried. And what will I do then? I don't know. I won't be able to come back and try again, I don't think, because I won't be able to trust and so I'll be afraid it'll happen all over again.
It's probably silly to be thinking of things a year in the future, but what else does a mind do when left alone to turn in on itself?
So...now I'm sad, depressed, AND continuing to be a bit angry. Just angry in the sense of my feelings - not "angry" like those anger issues of the past...don't misunderstand! :)
Next time ya read the blog, it'll be half of this Email. :)
--------------
And...so it is! I added a bit here and there I guess, but essentially, that's where we stand after half a conversation on the matter.
posted by Fensty at 9:49 AM
7 Comments:
Hi, there. Anon#2 here (the "how's that working for you" one). Still rooting for you. Glad the diet is going well. Sounds like you really are trying to fix all of the things she might have to complain about.
And a big "high five" to you for flat-out not agreeing to a trial separation. I think that would be the easiest on her and, really, why should you make it easy on her to cheat?
I don't think the camera on the landing is a bad idea altogether, especially since it sounds like you're going back to work. But I wouldn't recommend it go directly to the internet for you to connect to at work or you won't get anything done. Believe me, I check your blog at least a good dozen times a day and I can't imagine how often I'd check up on my husband! (No, I'm not stalking your blog, just worried about your situation, human-to-human. Hate to see this happening to anyone, man.
Take care.
Anon2 - do I know you? Just curious. I won't try to figure you out or anything, but wondering...
And thanks - I agree, and my counselor does as well - leaving is throwing in the towel. If she's going to have an affair, she gets all the baggage that goes with it. Of course, I still have to be the world's biggest pussy and just SIT HERE while agreeing to let her "date" but...well, I may have conceded that but that's it. As for the camera, well, I guess it's just another way to see if she'll lie to me or not. I mean, I read some things about how she would love to have a "nooner" and our house is about 3 minutes from her work. As she's now promised he'll never come here, well, we'll see I guess. And no I won't have it go on the net, I just come home and see if it captured anything. It's one of those "if any motion is detected, record a 10 second video" dealies.
JustJennifer, thank you for the comments as well. I appreciate knowing other people are out there reading. It was a LOT to read, I can't believe you read it all!
I'd have to admit - God is and was not really prevalent in our marriage. I'm a hypocrite I guess, I thought nothing of giving her some "looks" during the wedding we were at yesterday as the pastor invoked God's promise, the vows, etc. several times. I'm afraid we're just not religious types, guess we should have been....
I write it all down as I've got no other choice. I need to keep talking about it and you can only annoy your friends so much, y'know? :)
I look forward to even having the opportunity to ever deal with the adultery as a seperate issue at this point. That won't happen if we don't get as far as fixing the marriage, y'know? But yes - it will be it's own problem and the irony, I suppose, is maybe it'll be the thing that in the end, we can't get past. Sure hope not but who knows...and again I just hope it gets that far.
As for the diet - well, I AM doing it for me, and my son - not for her. She swears she doesn't much care how I look (but come on, what woman doesn't) and mainly I'm sure that's true. No, the diet has been needed for a long time...this was just the impetous I needed to get it started. The calorie intake, I will creep up gently to probably around 1800 or so over the next few weeks. Right now I'm just trying to build good habits, count food carefully and "shrink my stomach" y'know? I have started some mild exercise and we've got a gym at work so that's another reason I look forward to going back to work, actually. In the long run I think I'll be able to sustain it once I get where I want to get. I really appreciate the comments!
Thanks for being out there both of you. :)
-JD
(just saw this page, after posting my earlier message)...
As for the "God" baloney, you might be interested to know that I am an atheist and my wife is Christian, and she has broken many more of her "Commandments" than I have! Religionists are such hypocrites.
"SH"
SH...
Well, I am not a religious person myself. I spent a long time as an agnostic and have decided to call a spade a spade and say that I also am an atheist. I just can't reconcile my own beliefs, conclusions, science, etc. with that of a higher power, etc.
But...I respect it in others, I never "trash" a religious person UNLESS, as you say, they're hypocritical about it. But many people have faith, and I don't think it's really a negative thing if they aren't using it as a reason to hate, destroy, break down, etc. In which case I agree, it's hypocrasy as well.
So...while I'm not one of faith myself, one who was would say your wife was not truly a believer in her heart, and so she may claim to be a Christian but does not honor her own values, etc...
Basically - I'm relaxed and open minded. I do not appreciate someone who uses religion as a weapon or a reason to discriminate, but neither do I appreciate those who automatically discriminate AGAINST religious people. :) In your case I can see your point against your wife, but try not to trash all the faithful on the experience of one false believer, anymore than I'd want to be automatically assumed to be a Godless heathen based on my own atheism. y'know?
I agree. If all Christians behaved like Jimmy Carter (building homes, working for peace, etc), I just might become a Christian. (well, not quite!...but you catch my drift)
"SH"
See? We can all get along! SH, I agee. There are hypocrites everywhere, so glad that you didn't mean to generalize.
And Jennifer, same thing...I respect your prayers for me, hope they'll do some good because I need whatever help I can get right now. But from my "atheist" point of view...it's more the thought that YOU are saying something on my behalf that matters, not Who you are saying it to, you know?
That a person who doesn't know me thinks enough of my problems to ask Jesus to help me out, means a lot.
I have never doubted Jesus was a real man, a great and good man who came along ~2000 years ago and made some efforts on behalf of humanity that still live today. The power of that cannot be denied.
I admit though I can't see past that and add it up to divinity, etc. Glad you don't think I'm a terrible person, apostate, sacreligious, etc. for saying so. :)
Anyway, nobody should worry about anything they comment here. :) Nobody's gonna "hijack" my blog because it's just a blog, it's here for people to talk in.
I won't ever delete any comments either. There's one somewhere I deleted but it was actually my own comment I took out because I'd posted it as "anon" instead of myself.
JD
I very, very occasionally say a prayer, never ever for myself though - that'd be hypocritcal to the max, you know?
It generally goes something like this, "God, I know, I know...but this isn't about me. If you're up there, take a look at (whoever) and see what you can do for them, will you please? They're a good person and they need it because (whatever)."
Usually for my religious friends when they're hurt, hurting, or someone they love is in trouble, y'know? Because I know they do it for me, and so......well, they deserve it.
Anyway - thanks. Pray for my wife, too, because she needs to get some guidance from somewhere. She's not getting it from herself right now, and the only other person she's talking to is the "other guy" so that's not any help either.
Post a Comment
<< Home