Wondering how it went? Me too.
So...wedding was nice. The Boy did a GREAT job!! He's just barely turned 2, and the flower girl was a little over 3.
Guess which one got stage fright halfway down the nave and then bolted into one of the pews, crying?
And guess which one walked calmly, reasonably slowly, with a big grin (stopping once, it's true, along the way to "high five" someone he knew on an end seat in the pew) all the way to the front?
Guess which one posed for all pictures happily, and which one cried on the floor in a tantrum when asked to?
Yeah...that's right...the flower girl, adorable tho she was, had attitude and was, basically a typical little snot of a kid. :) The Boy, on the other hand, was awesome. He was a big hit, everyone loved him, he was as well behaved (but still had a blast, played with balloons on the dance floor for hours, etc.) as always.
Yeah, I'm proud of The Boy.
EL and I...well, it was reasonably OK.
I mean, as we drove home, she was magnanimous enough to say, "Well, I didn't have THAT bad of a time."
This, is a high compliment at this point. She was nice enough to compliment me on my new suit. She even helped out by ironing my shirt (how could I have been so prepared as to get a new suit, shoes, socks, tie, TIE the damn tie properly, and...forget to wash a brand new shirt? Wrinkle city, baby. Glad she knows how to iron properly, that's a skill I never got. Wash n' wear is my motto...) which was nice.
I was correct in one assumption, by the time it was time to dance she was "too tired" and wanted to leave. However, that is actually true - odd wedding, maybe this is the "norm" for an afternoon wedding, but the reception started at 1, there was the bride and groom dance after they were announced, then dinner (buffet that took awhile for each table to work through) THEN "specialty dances" (bride-dad, groom-mom, etc.etc.) THEN cake cutting, THEN they finally opened the dance floor...around 7pm. So that was......odd. So, she was antsy and ready to go, The Boy had a toxic waste diaper that had to be cleaned (I do not have a problem doing diapers, actually, like some men. That was never a major problem, one of the few things that wasn't) so yeah, she really was tired. But at the same time, she clearly didn't want to dance with me, so whatever.
I'm still pathetic, I know. I'm happy to get a comment saying, "I didn't have too bad a time." But I'll take it happily at this point.
On the way home we discussed day care arrangements for the coming week, stuff going on, etc. She blurted out, "Remember, I get my one date night a week...uh, I mean...my "me night" once a week." Not that I don't know, not that she doesn't KNOW I know, but an amusing Freudian slip nonetheless. I simply said, "You were right the first time, and I haven't forgotten. I'd like to talk at least once, about all these things, before then, but sure. Remember though we've got a date night once a week as well." I do think this is bullshit, but gotta put up with it. I will make sure, though, that before this "date night" crap starts, we have a talk and she understands I'm under no illusions as to what's going on.
I admit it - I WANT her to feel guilty. I WANT her to feel bad, dirty, sneaking around. That's not head games, that's actually good advice I've been given from a few people. I'm not going to make this easy on her. If she wants to have a boyfriend and a husband, she's going to get all the dirty sneaking around that goes with it. And I want that guy to worry I'm going to call his wife someday (I'm not...most emphatically not...but I want him worried anyway) and you better believe it, during today's wedding I made a just a few references to the marriage vows, how happy they both looked, the pastor's comments about love, marriage, the good times and the hard times, fidelity, etc. She noticed and didn't appreciate it (probably what turned what might otherwise have been described as "I had an OK time" to "I didn't have too bad a time") and she mentioned "pressure" I was putting on her, but...I wasn't going to let an opportunity for her to think about love, sex, marriage, God, and vows like that go by. Just like I've put the wedding albums out on the table, dusted off and re-situated around the house several other pics of the two of us, etc.
Putting a picture of us dancing at our wedding in the garage where she has to see it everyday when she drives in and parks the car might've been over the top, not sure, but she hasn't taken it down...so...
But...I'm still such a freaking pussy. I just have to "take" it, and hope it gets better. Yeah well.
Guess which one got stage fright halfway down the nave and then bolted into one of the pews, crying?
And guess which one walked calmly, reasonably slowly, with a big grin (stopping once, it's true, along the way to "high five" someone he knew on an end seat in the pew) all the way to the front?
Guess which one posed for all pictures happily, and which one cried on the floor in a tantrum when asked to?
Yeah...that's right...the flower girl, adorable tho she was, had attitude and was, basically a typical little snot of a kid. :) The Boy, on the other hand, was awesome. He was a big hit, everyone loved him, he was as well behaved (but still had a blast, played with balloons on the dance floor for hours, etc.) as always.
Yeah, I'm proud of The Boy.
EL and I...well, it was reasonably OK.
I mean, as we drove home, she was magnanimous enough to say, "Well, I didn't have THAT bad of a time."
This, is a high compliment at this point. She was nice enough to compliment me on my new suit. She even helped out by ironing my shirt (how could I have been so prepared as to get a new suit, shoes, socks, tie, TIE the damn tie properly, and...forget to wash a brand new shirt? Wrinkle city, baby. Glad she knows how to iron properly, that's a skill I never got. Wash n' wear is my motto...) which was nice.
I was correct in one assumption, by the time it was time to dance she was "too tired" and wanted to leave. However, that is actually true - odd wedding, maybe this is the "norm" for an afternoon wedding, but the reception started at 1, there was the bride and groom dance after they were announced, then dinner (buffet that took awhile for each table to work through) THEN "specialty dances" (bride-dad, groom-mom, etc.etc.) THEN cake cutting, THEN they finally opened the dance floor...around 7pm. So that was......odd. So, she was antsy and ready to go, The Boy had a toxic waste diaper that had to be cleaned (I do not have a problem doing diapers, actually, like some men. That was never a major problem, one of the few things that wasn't) so yeah, she really was tired. But at the same time, she clearly didn't want to dance with me, so whatever.
I'm still pathetic, I know. I'm happy to get a comment saying, "I didn't have too bad a time." But I'll take it happily at this point.
On the way home we discussed day care arrangements for the coming week, stuff going on, etc. She blurted out, "Remember, I get my one date night a week...uh, I mean...my "me night" once a week." Not that I don't know, not that she doesn't KNOW I know, but an amusing Freudian slip nonetheless. I simply said, "You were right the first time, and I haven't forgotten. I'd like to talk at least once, about all these things, before then, but sure. Remember though we've got a date night once a week as well." I do think this is bullshit, but gotta put up with it. I will make sure, though, that before this "date night" crap starts, we have a talk and she understands I'm under no illusions as to what's going on.
I admit it - I WANT her to feel guilty. I WANT her to feel bad, dirty, sneaking around. That's not head games, that's actually good advice I've been given from a few people. I'm not going to make this easy on her. If she wants to have a boyfriend and a husband, she's going to get all the dirty sneaking around that goes with it. And I want that guy to worry I'm going to call his wife someday (I'm not...most emphatically not...but I want him worried anyway) and you better believe it, during today's wedding I made a just a few references to the marriage vows, how happy they both looked, the pastor's comments about love, marriage, the good times and the hard times, fidelity, etc. She noticed and didn't appreciate it (probably what turned what might otherwise have been described as "I had an OK time" to "I didn't have too bad a time") and she mentioned "pressure" I was putting on her, but...I wasn't going to let an opportunity for her to think about love, sex, marriage, God, and vows like that go by. Just like I've put the wedding albums out on the table, dusted off and re-situated around the house several other pics of the two of us, etc.
Putting a picture of us dancing at our wedding in the garage where she has to see it everyday when she drives in and parks the car might've been over the top, not sure, but she hasn't taken it down...so...
But...I'm still such a freaking pussy. I just have to "take" it, and hope it gets better. Yeah well.
posted by Fensty at 9:40 PM
8 Comments:
I suggest you both work through Dr. Phil's book Relationship Rescue. You have to earn your way out of a marriage.
Dr. Phil??!?!?
You - out of my Blog. Now.
(OK, well, that's harsh, but Dr. Phil is...well...evil. However.........it might appeal to my wife. One never knows, and at this point, I'm desperate enough to consider anything short of witch-doctoring, or chiropracty. Thanks!)
OK, I'm a different Anon, and I too have problems with the advice Dr. Phil often gives, but I cling to one thing he frequently asks:
"So how's that working for you?"
You keep talking about giving her space and letting her "do her thing" and have this "date night" ("me night" or whatever she wants to pretend that it is). So how's that working for you? Is she running back into your forgiving (if not naive) arms? Is allowing her all of this freedom from even talking about your marriage working all that well? I'm rooting for you all the way, buddy, but I don't see how sitting back and letting her do what she wants to whomever she pleases is going to save your marriage.
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I totally agree. That's why you see the tone of this changing a bit over the last week, as I process this information, and get a little angry but also a little more "trapped" feeling....what I'm basically agreeing to is a complete subjugation of my dignity while she gets to "explore" her feelings - have an affair, basically.
But...it's just starting, so I guess I can't answer the question, "How's that working for you?" In another 2 weeks I guess I'll know better.
I agree though - letting her do whatever she wants while I sit around miserable is not going to help save anything. But if I put pressure on now - she'll bolt out of the marriage and call me "controlling." So...I'm trapped.
If you've got other advice of a way out to how I can balance all this, great. But I see it as I have no choice but to wait while it plays out...at least a little while. I keep thinking she'll come to her senses, he'll turn out to be an ass, or whatever.
I'm not being completely stupid, just being an undignified pussy...but while it's going on, I'm improving my life, fixing my job, and yeah, even starting to think a little bit about the "worst case" and wondering what to do about assets, property, how I'll prove in a court she's having an affair and I've never been a danger to her or others, etc... I've even wondered if I've somehow screwed up and "legally" just given her permission for an affair. I haven't. I told her flat out she shouldn't and should remember our marriage, vows, etc. But I dunno what a court makes of all this. I suppose I need to find out, soon.
Like I said, I agree with what you said. Just.......can't do much else right now.
Hi, there. Anon2 here again. I'm glad to see that you're getting your stuff together and doing what you need to do to take care of yourself. It's like on the airplane when they tell you to cover your own mouth with the oxygen mask before helping others. You have to look out for Number One, even while hoping to keep all of you together.
Idea for you as far as legal stuff: Since the counselor is "yours" and not necessarily hers, can he help authenticate the affair for you in court? Just an idea.
Still hoping for the best...
Hey, BH...
Thanks for doing this blog. Misery loves company.
I'm in a very similar situation (i.e., wife having affair...but with a single guy). I'm also in PA, but in Central PA. I'm 49, been married 19 years. Have two girls, ages 16 and 10, both of whom know what is going on.
I could have written a lot of what you wrote. Many of the same emotions. Been called "controlling" (that's because SOMEONE in the household needs to exert some control when the wife/mother is OUT OF control!). Been lied to, right and left. Can't STAND the lies.
While we both have issues, I think any reasonable person would agree that hers are more serious. Perhaps I should start a competing blog and we can try to outdo each other....I guarantee I'll win!!!!! ;-) Perhaps knowing some of the issues *I* am dealing with will make you feel LUCKY in comparison!
Anyway...gotta get some sleep...I'll check back here frequently. As depressed as I am, I've gotta say---your blog cheered me up (sorry!)---just knowing that others are going through the same crap with deceitful wives.
Take care.
"SH" (no, those aren't my real initials)
SH, no problem. If reading my nightmare cheered you up, then you must have needed it pretty fucking bad is all I can say. :)
(or should that be :( I wonder)
Anyway...I hear you. It's day by day right now.
And in reply to "Anon2" above, I forgot to metnion before - I was going to ask my counselor that. He kept repeating over and over that "you're MY client, JD..." during our session, later I wondered if that was code. Since he's my shrink but not hers, I do have to find out if I can have records of our meeting subpeoned in court for either validating that she admitted to an affair, or if not that, at lesat I assume I could have him testify in my behalf if she ever tried to swear out a PFA and claim she felt threatened (she admited to him she didn't) and the like.
Anyway - it's good to know people are reading the blog. Not sure how you folks are finding it, but I apprecaite the comments so much.
I feel like maybe my nightmare is helping some other folks. Karma. Perhaps eventually someone else's blog will do the same for me, or my wife.
JD the BH. :/
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