Tuesday Evening...alone. Thinking.

Well. What can I say? Everything still sucks.

EL was at work until after 7pm today. What else should I think, but that she was out after work with her friend. She says she's busy at work, but I cannot be that stupid. I just can't! She has NEVER been at work that late in the last year. Prides herself on it, in fact. Especially given that she's going IN to work a good hour and a half early, too.

She's going out to dinner with her mom and The Boy. One thing I know, her mom will almost certainly not be one of those "enabler" moms who helps her have a boyfriend. I've heard of that, but I know she won't even TELL her mom about the guy until much, much later. Her parents are very much against divorce and want her to stay with me. She will do what she wants, she's not going to do anything because Mom tells her to, but just saying...I don't think that she's going out to be with him.

Anyway, I can't help it. I DO think she was with him before she got home. I think she was uncomfortable with what she was wearing. She also immediately came in and started chewing gum. I think she wanted to get a taste out of her mouth - literally or figuratively, I don't know. That's disgusting, I know...but...like I've said already...I know too much about what's going on between them, what went on between them Friday night. Let's just leave it at that.

I keep saying this....I don't care about the sex, I just don't want her falling in love.

Anyway, this is not good. Even my counselor agrees, it's bad. Looks very bad.

I was there this afternoon, of course. Got teary eyed for the first time when he asked what I wanted to get out of the couples counseling.

Simply? I want my wife to love me again, I want to be a family again, before it's too late.

Not for selfish reasons only. Sure, I want it for me, but I want it for her and The Boy, too. I KNOW I can be the husband she married and the daddy he needs. I want to do what's right for her, and I guess if it's pompous and concieted to so, well, I'm pompous and concieted but - I KNOW I'm the right man for them.

We were so much in love, there has to be a way to get it back. For The Boy, sure, but for her and me, too.

I can tell he's not optimistic, actually. And I just don't know what she's going to say, if she'll open up and start talking a little, if she'll say what's on her mind and admit what's happening.

If she lies...well...I can't let that happen. Somehow before Thursday night, I have to tell her that I know more than she's told me. I don't want it to look like a trap has been sprung on her or something. I don't want her to tell small lies that start building a wall/web of lies that she can't back away from later. I've said that before, just repeating.

She's still so cold and aloof. When she got home she still insisted she was just at work late. I don't fucking know - I guess she could have been. But...she changed her clothes. All of them, even the undies. Now...why do that, if she just wanted to put on a comfy pair of pants before going out to dinner with her mom? I think she needed to get out of them because they were....messy. I think she's cold and aloof because she resents having to sneak around. She'd rather I was already gone.

I think these things. I don't want to. I wish, sometimes, I were born stupid. Clueless and unable to see signs. I know I may be reading things into things...truly I know that. But...like I said, I know enough to know I'm not imagining ALL of it.


Well, anyway...not much else to say. That's all that's in my mind right now.

I have this deadly fear that on Thursday night, all she's going to say is, "I only came here to make him feel better. I only have one thing to say - I hate him and I want him gone. Now. Forever." I just don't know. It might happen.

It's happening too fast is the problem. She's getting so much love and attention from this guy...she can't see anything else. I can't tell her that, but it's true. She needs to SLOW DOWN. He's not going anywhere. He has his own issues to work out anyway. He doesn't seem to be willing to leave his wife, for example. From what I can figure, anyway. He's a player and he's playing her - sweet, lovable, trusting, abused, damaged, niave EL - like a fuckin' violin, baby.

But if she could read that sentence there - she'd hate me even more. She'd say I'm just being controlling, manipulative, a know-it-all, think I know better than her, think I'm smarter than her, etc. I wish I WAS stupid, so I didn't have to think so much.

And is she right? I just don't know. But is it so wrong for her to SLOW DOWN?

I need the time to show her I can be a better man.

I know, it's a line from that movie, "As Good As It Gets." But it's true and it fits my situation - I want to be a better man. For her, for The Boy. For myself.

But mainly...for us.

Let me show you EL...I can do it.