Day Six: Friday. The "Now."
So...now we approach real-time status. Right now, it's 10:46pm Friday night. She's out now on her date. She will return sometime in the next hour.
But...must catch up first. Not a lot to say really, though. Just one major suckerpunch to the gut yet to come, one more dilemma about this "privacy" thing.
I do pretty good. I start this blog at 7:30AM this morning, mainly as a way to keep me from doing what I don't want to do: Search for more Email.
It works for a long time. But around 2pm...he's napping, and I succumb.
(Aside: This is why I MUST tell her about how to protect herself. I now know too much. I do not want to know any more. She NEEDS to keep this stuff private, and let it out in counseling as she wishes. But I don't want to read anymore. The ONLY way I will be able to avoid that temptation, though, is to tell her how to protect herself. I plan to do this this weekend.)
I search again. I know full damn well she was emailing him last night, or this morning. Sure enough. A snippet of Email is in the cache. It DEVASTATES me.
She's discussing in the Email that she's "Sorry [I] reacted that way in the office last night. I told you I was shy. Plus I don't know who could have been in the office still. So, a thong is acceptable then? Maybe I'll wear pants instead. See you tonight if I don't talk to you. It's really nice to know someone likes me - even as just a friend, or whatever you call this. LOL."
Well, what the fuck? Guess what I had to think about for the next 15 hours nonstop.
Read it 50 different ways. Go ahead, read it again...last bit sounds slightly promising - yeah, she's falling a little bit, but she's still saying it's "a friend." "Or whatever you call it" doesn't sound so hot, but, again, they obviously both admit they're having "feelings" for each other. Married people do this. I KNOW that. Hell, I'VE had "feelings" for people over the last few years here and there. So that's OK. What DO you call it when you're married, friends, but start having "feelings"?
But - reconcile that with the THONG comment? The PANTS? What was he trying to do in the office that made her shy? Harmless flirting, or putting his hand up her dress?
(Aside again: I haven't mentioned how the last 2 weeks she's been dressing up to go to work. She's told me they've got a new dress code, and also, that she wants to look as professional as her title/job there are. And you know, I believe that. In fact when she first started at this company, I was sorta suprised at the jeans-and-sweatshirt stuff she was allowed to wear. Still.........it's ALSO a CLASSIC sign of an affair. Add this to the emotional roller coaster ride, please....what does it mean what does it mean what does it mean what does it mean...trust her but it's a sign trust her but it's a sign trust her but it's a sign...)
(Another aside: Me and the counselor both agree - it's probably BOTH. True that she wants to dress for success more, but also true that the timing is probably not entirely a coincidence.)
So....that Email could mean anything. Not much of it good, but maybe not totally awful. She's not signing off with "Love" or hell, even her name. She's not saying she can't wait for...whatever...she's just saying sorta what she's been saying to me. That she wants to leave. BUT THE THONG COMMENT?!?!?!!
Then again...she's not shy about her underwear. It could be just like the start of the Monica/Bill Clinton thing. :) Maybe she was just bragging about her undies, I don't fucking know.
(Another aside: Is that the first smiley in this blog? I think it is. Shows you my mood, normally, they're peppered throughout my Emails/chats/written communications to the point of annoyance. I think that for a split second there, I forgot a lot of this bullshit and had a clear, sweet memory of my wife and how cute and funny she can be about her underwear. And MAN O MAN would she hate being compared in any way shape or form to Monica Lewinsky...)
I don't want to know anymore. I WILL NOT read more mail. I WILL teach her how to fucking hide it from me!
Well...we're just about caught up to real time!
Only one more thing happened today. Her mom came over for a bit to see how The Boy was doing.
I opened up to her. It's theraputic. Again, I've not gotten into "my issues" yet in this blog (that's finally coming after this entry, though!) but once of them has been how I treat her mom and some "anger issues" that will remain vague for now. But...when you know you have a problem, in any type of addiction or other social issue, you're supposed to tell the people you've affected about it ASAP aren't you? So...I tell her I'm glad she's here while The Boy is sleeping, because I need to talk to her.
I tell her I realize I've been The Bad Husband for about 2 years now. That I had no idea how bad it was. She knew EL was "afraid" of me for awhile, but not that she was thinking it might be over. Or at least she wouldn't say she knew that, which I am 100% honestly OK with. She's HER mother after all! I have no right to know how much into her confidence she is, and don't care.
I honor my wife's privacy this much, though - I don't tell her mom ANY of this crap I know. I just tell her how awful I feel, how I want time to try and recover, but how I'm deathly afraid EL is already thinking of someone else. Her mom says no way. I think she's sincere because my wife has told me how her mom feels about divorce, etc. She wouldn't tell her mom if she was "seeing" a guy. I know that. So I don't even let that out at all. Just that I'm "afraid" of it, which any guy would be. That I'm afraid she's not really out with friends tonight, etc.
But I'm digressing a bit - that was not the point of my conversation with her mom. It was to tell her some things about how I felt about her. That I DO like her - love her in a lot of ways (my own mom is passed away, about 7 years ago now, cancer at age 55. More on that later I'm sure) and respect her very much for what she's accomplished. She was a stay at home mom her whole life, graduated high school I don't know, sometime in the 60's...but 3 years ago went back to school and got her RN degree and now manages an entire Alzheimer's ward of an old folk's home. I tell her I'm sorry how I act sometimes. She says, "JD, we're the same. We're both control freaks, opinionated, and stubborn. I'm glad we had this talk, it's not as bad as you think." I ramble on a bit more about things, we basically had a "good talk" and hopefully I've at least shown her that I realize now how I've been acting and want to change it to do right by her, as well as her daughter.
So...that IS it! It's realtime now! It's 11:08PM right now.
EL is still out there somewhere, on a date. Coming home soon. My heart is pounding a mile a minute. It's been doing that for a week now, I have to wonder how my body can handle this. I'm not in the best of shape really...that's definitely one of "my issues" tho it's MY issue - I don't think my wife wants to leave for any physical things like that. At least, it's WAAAY down the list. Fat I may be, but fat I was when we met and fat I've always been.
But - maybe not for always now. That's another thing I've been thinking about a lot lately - even talked to my doctor about weight loss options, getting counseling for that, treating my fatness like an eating disorder (that it truly is in my case) and not just that I'm a fat slob. But this - this will definitely help, in a sick way. Back in about 1990 I was around 250lbs and got dumped by my girlfriend at the time. That was the WORST breakup I ever had (it came right out of the blue) and is the one that most reminds me of this current situation. And I was so freaked out, same thing - I didn't eat for a week or more. When I finally started eating again, I was VERY careful. I ate tiny portions. I kept my stomach "small." I didn't really excercise or anything, but diet I did. I was smart, I didn't starve myself - ate 1 small square meal a day and a snack or two. And I dropped about 60lbs in 2 months. I looked and felt better than I ever did.
It didn't last, I met a new gal, and started packing the weight back on. It didn't really get out of control again 'till the mid-90's when I started doing some other "bad things" that affected me though.
Guess what - we're almost to that point in this blog where I finally lay it all out.
Why AM I "The Bad Husband" exactly. Up 'till now, reader, you may have thought I'm the sympathetic one in this situation.
NO. Not at all. I mean, if you have sympathy for me, thank you - I think I could use some. But I did cause all of this myself. I brought it on myself. The ONLY thing I think my wife has "ownership" of in this situation is not telling me sooner (but I know, and now understand, somewhat why - she was afraid to, as we'll discuss) and, of course, not telling me everything about The Guy.
But...must catch up first. Not a lot to say really, though. Just one major suckerpunch to the gut yet to come, one more dilemma about this "privacy" thing.
I do pretty good. I start this blog at 7:30AM this morning, mainly as a way to keep me from doing what I don't want to do: Search for more Email.
It works for a long time. But around 2pm...he's napping, and I succumb.
(Aside: This is why I MUST tell her about how to protect herself. I now know too much. I do not want to know any more. She NEEDS to keep this stuff private, and let it out in counseling as she wishes. But I don't want to read anymore. The ONLY way I will be able to avoid that temptation, though, is to tell her how to protect herself. I plan to do this this weekend.)
I search again. I know full damn well she was emailing him last night, or this morning. Sure enough. A snippet of Email is in the cache. It DEVASTATES me.
She's discussing in the Email that she's "Sorry [I] reacted that way in the office last night. I told you I was shy. Plus I don't know who could have been in the office still. So, a thong is acceptable then? Maybe I'll wear pants instead. See you tonight if I don't talk to you. It's really nice to know someone likes me - even as just a friend, or whatever you call this. LOL."
Well, what the fuck? Guess what I had to think about for the next 15 hours nonstop.
Read it 50 different ways. Go ahead, read it again...last bit sounds slightly promising - yeah, she's falling a little bit, but she's still saying it's "a friend." "Or whatever you call it" doesn't sound so hot, but, again, they obviously both admit they're having "feelings" for each other. Married people do this. I KNOW that. Hell, I'VE had "feelings" for people over the last few years here and there. So that's OK. What DO you call it when you're married, friends, but start having "feelings"?
But - reconcile that with the THONG comment? The PANTS? What was he trying to do in the office that made her shy? Harmless flirting, or putting his hand up her dress?
(Aside again: I haven't mentioned how the last 2 weeks she's been dressing up to go to work. She's told me they've got a new dress code, and also, that she wants to look as professional as her title/job there are. And you know, I believe that. In fact when she first started at this company, I was sorta suprised at the jeans-and-sweatshirt stuff she was allowed to wear. Still.........it's ALSO a CLASSIC sign of an affair. Add this to the emotional roller coaster ride, please....what does it mean what does it mean what does it mean what does it mean...trust her but it's a sign trust her but it's a sign trust her but it's a sign...)
(Another aside: Me and the counselor both agree - it's probably BOTH. True that she wants to dress for success more, but also true that the timing is probably not entirely a coincidence.)
So....that Email could mean anything. Not much of it good, but maybe not totally awful. She's not signing off with "Love" or hell, even her name. She's not saying she can't wait for...whatever...she's just saying sorta what she's been saying to me. That she wants to leave. BUT THE THONG COMMENT?!?!?!!
Then again...she's not shy about her underwear. It could be just like the start of the Monica/Bill Clinton thing. :) Maybe she was just bragging about her undies, I don't fucking know.
(Another aside: Is that the first smiley in this blog? I think it is. Shows you my mood, normally, they're peppered throughout my Emails/chats/written communications to the point of annoyance. I think that for a split second there, I forgot a lot of this bullshit and had a clear, sweet memory of my wife and how cute and funny she can be about her underwear. And MAN O MAN would she hate being compared in any way shape or form to Monica Lewinsky...)
I don't want to know anymore. I WILL NOT read more mail. I WILL teach her how to fucking hide it from me!
Well...we're just about caught up to real time!
Only one more thing happened today. Her mom came over for a bit to see how The Boy was doing.
I opened up to her. It's theraputic. Again, I've not gotten into "my issues" yet in this blog (that's finally coming after this entry, though!) but once of them has been how I treat her mom and some "anger issues" that will remain vague for now. But...when you know you have a problem, in any type of addiction or other social issue, you're supposed to tell the people you've affected about it ASAP aren't you? So...I tell her I'm glad she's here while The Boy is sleeping, because I need to talk to her.
I tell her I realize I've been The Bad Husband for about 2 years now. That I had no idea how bad it was. She knew EL was "afraid" of me for awhile, but not that she was thinking it might be over. Or at least she wouldn't say she knew that, which I am 100% honestly OK with. She's HER mother after all! I have no right to know how much into her confidence she is, and don't care.
I honor my wife's privacy this much, though - I don't tell her mom ANY of this crap I know. I just tell her how awful I feel, how I want time to try and recover, but how I'm deathly afraid EL is already thinking of someone else. Her mom says no way. I think she's sincere because my wife has told me how her mom feels about divorce, etc. She wouldn't tell her mom if she was "seeing" a guy. I know that. So I don't even let that out at all. Just that I'm "afraid" of it, which any guy would be. That I'm afraid she's not really out with friends tonight, etc.
But I'm digressing a bit - that was not the point of my conversation with her mom. It was to tell her some things about how I felt about her. That I DO like her - love her in a lot of ways (my own mom is passed away, about 7 years ago now, cancer at age 55. More on that later I'm sure) and respect her very much for what she's accomplished. She was a stay at home mom her whole life, graduated high school I don't know, sometime in the 60's...but 3 years ago went back to school and got her RN degree and now manages an entire Alzheimer's ward of an old folk's home. I tell her I'm sorry how I act sometimes. She says, "JD, we're the same. We're both control freaks, opinionated, and stubborn. I'm glad we had this talk, it's not as bad as you think." I ramble on a bit more about things, we basically had a "good talk" and hopefully I've at least shown her that I realize now how I've been acting and want to change it to do right by her, as well as her daughter.
So...that IS it! It's realtime now! It's 11:08PM right now.
EL is still out there somewhere, on a date. Coming home soon. My heart is pounding a mile a minute. It's been doing that for a week now, I have to wonder how my body can handle this. I'm not in the best of shape really...that's definitely one of "my issues" tho it's MY issue - I don't think my wife wants to leave for any physical things like that. At least, it's WAAAY down the list. Fat I may be, but fat I was when we met and fat I've always been.
But - maybe not for always now. That's another thing I've been thinking about a lot lately - even talked to my doctor about weight loss options, getting counseling for that, treating my fatness like an eating disorder (that it truly is in my case) and not just that I'm a fat slob. But this - this will definitely help, in a sick way. Back in about 1990 I was around 250lbs and got dumped by my girlfriend at the time. That was the WORST breakup I ever had (it came right out of the blue) and is the one that most reminds me of this current situation. And I was so freaked out, same thing - I didn't eat for a week or more. When I finally started eating again, I was VERY careful. I ate tiny portions. I kept my stomach "small." I didn't really excercise or anything, but diet I did. I was smart, I didn't starve myself - ate 1 small square meal a day and a snack or two. And I dropped about 60lbs in 2 months. I looked and felt better than I ever did.
It didn't last, I met a new gal, and started packing the weight back on. It didn't really get out of control again 'till the mid-90's when I started doing some other "bad things" that affected me though.
Guess what - we're almost to that point in this blog where I finally lay it all out.
Why AM I "The Bad Husband" exactly. Up 'till now, reader, you may have thought I'm the sympathetic one in this situation.
NO. Not at all. I mean, if you have sympathy for me, thank you - I think I could use some. But I did cause all of this myself. I brought it on myself. The ONLY thing I think my wife has "ownership" of in this situation is not telling me sooner (but I know, and now understand, somewhat why - she was afraid to, as we'll discuss) and, of course, not telling me everything about The Guy.
So...here I sit. Waiting. When she comes home, the advice I was given by my counselor, was to say, "You know I want to talk to you about it. But let's just go to bed." I THINK I can do that. This blogging has helped, as I wanted it to. All the questions and stuff I wanted to ask or talk about, are dumped here.
Is she falling in love already? Will I get the few weeks I need to show her I've made a serious start at fixing what needs to be fixed, that will give us a few more weeks, leading to a few more, etc? That in my heart is what I hope for. But it's probably too late.
Is she already physical with this guy? Does it matter? In a way - it doesn't. As much as it does if she's in love. Seriously. My counselor (his name is Dennis, by the way, but if I start referring to him that way it may sound too confusing) has said there's a thing called an "Emotional Affair" which can often be worse.
I am perfectly familiar with this concept. In the Middle Ages, it would have been described as, "Courtly Love." That which, for reasons of state, patronage, family, and social status could never be acted upon phyiscally, but was real love nonetheless. Think Lancelot and Guineivere. (whoa, gotta look up the spelling on that one later!) Somewhat amusingly he says usually it's a woman who reacts more badly to that in her man, than vice-versa but not me. I've always been more of the "sensitive" guy. I hate jock things, sports things, etc. I'm the creative poet guy who gets along better with women than men. So...yeah....having her having tender thoughts for a guy is WORSE to me than if she was having meaningless sexual encounters. Not that I'm thrilled for either one. But I'm scared shitless already - what if it's already BOTH? Could we ever recover?
He asked me about my "male pride." "Fuck it" was my response. I suppose I have some, I suppose later those feelings will emerge and will be dealt with...but right now....I just want to know she'll stay my wife and fall back in love with me. Nothing more, nothing less.
I think I'll publish this now and work on a next bit.
posted by Fensty at 10:47 PM
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