Day Three: Tuesday
Tuesday: I go to work with only one plan: Call the "Employee Assistance Program" line and get referred to a marriage counselor. First thing.
So I start the wheels in motion. I talk to my local HR rep about what's going on.
I haven't yet written in here about the "work issues" side of things, so a quick sketch on that: As said, for the last 5 years I've been a corporate trainer. Loved it. Loved being in front of a class, loved sharing knowledge, coaching people to grow into their jobs. Loved watching people who came in the door for a $10/hr job (as I myself did back in 1998) get promoted higher and higher in the company. Not saying I had anything to do with that than the foundation, but just saying - it was rewarding to watch.
There were negatives: LOOONG hours. After an 8 hour day in front of the class, it's time to update a lot of records, attend meetings, attend operational briefings, and more. 48-60 hours a week depending. A boss who made it very clear that being absent from work was not an option, for just about any reason. Very hard to schedule vacations on anything like the "spur of the moment." Like, if it wasn't at least 2 months in advance, preferably 6, you'd get flack. No slack for sick kids, daycare problems, transportation problems, etc.
So, I finally got out. Promoted to Curriculum Design. I'd helped out on that team from time to time on special projects where they needed a little extra manpower over the last year, so was lucky enough to get the job when it was posted. First (and only) project I was given was: Redesign a completely new version of the curriculum I'd been training the last year. A project I wanted, asked for, helped determine the needs analysis for. A good thing, right? Well - it wasn't going well. Mr. Confident suddenly found out the job was a LOT harder from the ground up than when helping out as "extra manpower." I wasn't just handed a set of objectives and told, "Can you write a lesson for this?" as when I'd help out.
No, this was the bigtime. Project charters. Story boards for 15 modules of 5 lessons each, minimum. Outlines, deadlines, etc. And a boss on the other side of the country. A senior designer (my direct oversight person) in Florida. (We're in Pennsylvania, by the way.) No way to tell if I was doing a good job every day. From micromangement to complete autonomy. Things started slipping. I started to think I was taking too long to do simple things. Missing deadlines. Etc.
So...that's the context for work. Instead of a new job with better hours so I could be home more, I was working harder, compensating for not feeling I was doing very well.
And then this hit...work stopped. I couldn't do anything Tuesday but stare at the computer...and that brings us back to where I was when I started this tangent about work.
So...I talked to HR. Her advice - call the EAP, get set up with a counselor (which I had already done) and then call my boss and tell her everything and get a few days off. And so I did. And wow...my new boss...how fantastic she is! One of the very few things I can cling to this week that went well, was that. Here I am, new guy on the team, suddenly whining about family problems and needing time off and expecting a fight, expecting to have to get all "legal" and file FMLA papers and she says..."Well, you've got like 6 weeks vacation saved up, don't you? Take some time off, whatever you need, we'll adjust the project schedule when you come back."
Whoa.
So. They hook me up with an initial social worker visit for Wednesday night.
Tuesday night was more of the same. Trying to talk to my wife making small talk, avoiding The Other Guy or her feelings for him, or for me, or for about what's happening...etc...which is about as easy as avoiding the proverbial elephant in the room.
I'm a mess because I KNOW talking about it with her drives her away and makes me look needy, clingy, and other things. At the same time, not talking about it makes me that kitten under the basket again - turning in on myself, driving myself nuts until I HAVE to talk about it. I don't have anyone else to talk to but my wife, she's always been my best friend. I've been as neglectful in a lot of ways of some of my friends as I have of her.
(Aside: You may have noticed, reader, that I haven't really talked about "my issues" yet. I don't want to cloud the story any worse than it already is. This first typing it all out is to sort of explain what's been happening in a day-by-day narrative. Why I'm freaking out. And "The Guy" of course. Then I will follow up with what I've done in the last 2 years to really earn the title Bad Husband.)
So...that's one of the hardest things about all this. Nobody to talk to but her about it, and talking to her about it is not the right thing to do. Not constantly, anyway, which is about how often I want to talk about it.
Hence, this blog, as a way to "talk it out."
It shows my whacked-out state of mind that I didn't think of this myself. The marriage counselor (I'm getting ahead of things now, he told me this Thursday night) suggested it and he had no more said the words than I realized how it would help. My degree is in English (yeah, I know, "You want fries with that?") and I've done many, many a stream-of-conciousness journal, I've tried automatic writing, writing to music, you name it. It shows how much my mind is a bee in a bottle right now that it wasn't the FIRST thing I thought of.
So anyway. Tuesday night ends in another blur.
I'm not going to work the rest of the week now though, not only from all this, but The Boy has a bad case of strep throat and so since I'm a wreck anyway and can't work, at least we can take care of each other. He spends his days sad, sick, confused (it's hard to be sick when you're 2 and don't know what's going on!) and crying for his Mommy.
Of course, I feel exactly the same way. We console each other. But that's not really until tomorrow, so on to Wednesday...
So I start the wheels in motion. I talk to my local HR rep about what's going on.
I haven't yet written in here about the "work issues" side of things, so a quick sketch on that: As said, for the last 5 years I've been a corporate trainer. Loved it. Loved being in front of a class, loved sharing knowledge, coaching people to grow into their jobs. Loved watching people who came in the door for a $10/hr job (as I myself did back in 1998) get promoted higher and higher in the company. Not saying I had anything to do with that than the foundation, but just saying - it was rewarding to watch.
There were negatives: LOOONG hours. After an 8 hour day in front of the class, it's time to update a lot of records, attend meetings, attend operational briefings, and more. 48-60 hours a week depending. A boss who made it very clear that being absent from work was not an option, for just about any reason. Very hard to schedule vacations on anything like the "spur of the moment." Like, if it wasn't at least 2 months in advance, preferably 6, you'd get flack. No slack for sick kids, daycare problems, transportation problems, etc.
So, I finally got out. Promoted to Curriculum Design. I'd helped out on that team from time to time on special projects where they needed a little extra manpower over the last year, so was lucky enough to get the job when it was posted. First (and only) project I was given was: Redesign a completely new version of the curriculum I'd been training the last year. A project I wanted, asked for, helped determine the needs analysis for. A good thing, right? Well - it wasn't going well. Mr. Confident suddenly found out the job was a LOT harder from the ground up than when helping out as "extra manpower." I wasn't just handed a set of objectives and told, "Can you write a lesson for this?" as when I'd help out.
No, this was the bigtime. Project charters. Story boards for 15 modules of 5 lessons each, minimum. Outlines, deadlines, etc. And a boss on the other side of the country. A senior designer (my direct oversight person) in Florida. (We're in Pennsylvania, by the way.) No way to tell if I was doing a good job every day. From micromangement to complete autonomy. Things started slipping. I started to think I was taking too long to do simple things. Missing deadlines. Etc.
So...that's the context for work. Instead of a new job with better hours so I could be home more, I was working harder, compensating for not feeling I was doing very well.
And then this hit...work stopped. I couldn't do anything Tuesday but stare at the computer...and that brings us back to where I was when I started this tangent about work.
So...I talked to HR. Her advice - call the EAP, get set up with a counselor (which I had already done) and then call my boss and tell her everything and get a few days off. And so I did. And wow...my new boss...how fantastic she is! One of the very few things I can cling to this week that went well, was that. Here I am, new guy on the team, suddenly whining about family problems and needing time off and expecting a fight, expecting to have to get all "legal" and file FMLA papers and she says..."Well, you've got like 6 weeks vacation saved up, don't you? Take some time off, whatever you need, we'll adjust the project schedule when you come back."
Whoa.
So. They hook me up with an initial social worker visit for Wednesday night.
Tuesday night was more of the same. Trying to talk to my wife making small talk, avoiding The Other Guy or her feelings for him, or for me, or for about what's happening...etc...which is about as easy as avoiding the proverbial elephant in the room.
I'm a mess because I KNOW talking about it with her drives her away and makes me look needy, clingy, and other things. At the same time, not talking about it makes me that kitten under the basket again - turning in on myself, driving myself nuts until I HAVE to talk about it. I don't have anyone else to talk to but my wife, she's always been my best friend. I've been as neglectful in a lot of ways of some of my friends as I have of her.
(Aside: You may have noticed, reader, that I haven't really talked about "my issues" yet. I don't want to cloud the story any worse than it already is. This first typing it all out is to sort of explain what's been happening in a day-by-day narrative. Why I'm freaking out. And "The Guy" of course. Then I will follow up with what I've done in the last 2 years to really earn the title Bad Husband.)
So...that's one of the hardest things about all this. Nobody to talk to but her about it, and talking to her about it is not the right thing to do. Not constantly, anyway, which is about how often I want to talk about it.
Hence, this blog, as a way to "talk it out."
It shows my whacked-out state of mind that I didn't think of this myself. The marriage counselor (I'm getting ahead of things now, he told me this Thursday night) suggested it and he had no more said the words than I realized how it would help. My degree is in English (yeah, I know, "You want fries with that?") and I've done many, many a stream-of-conciousness journal, I've tried automatic writing, writing to music, you name it. It shows how much my mind is a bee in a bottle right now that it wasn't the FIRST thing I thought of.
So anyway. Tuesday night ends in another blur.
I'm not going to work the rest of the week now though, not only from all this, but The Boy has a bad case of strep throat and so since I'm a wreck anyway and can't work, at least we can take care of each other. He spends his days sad, sick, confused (it's hard to be sick when you're 2 and don't know what's going on!) and crying for his Mommy.
Of course, I feel exactly the same way. We console each other. But that's not really until tomorrow, so on to Wednesday...
posted by Fensty at 10:52 AM
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