Day Two: Monday.
(This is all still being written on Friday morning, of course, for those of you paying attention. :)
Monday: My day at work was a blur. I might've got something slightly productive done. In fact, right this second as I reflect back, I did. I did a final edit on an outline for a course we're developing. (I'm a curriculum designer - I write and design training materials for my company's employees. It's a new job for me, for the last 5 years, up 'till a month and a half ago, I was a trainer for the same company. Yes, the new job is a part of all this, too.) I probably knew down inside I better get that finalized for the rest of the team to work off of as I might not be there for awhile.
Monday night, around 10 or so when The Boy was asleep, we talked some more.Of course I sensed things. So we repeated some of the commentary from the night before, she repeated she was willing to work together (mainly just going to couples counseling with me as I worked through and tried to fix all the issues that I've got that brought us to this point) but she, having had time to think things over herself, no doubt, had some additional feelings now. "I need space" she said. "I have to do what's right for me" she said. "And The Boy is the most important part of this of all."
"Is there someone else?" I had to ask.
"Well...there is someone I've been confiding to at work. Lately, I guess, I've grown a little fond of him." (She used that "fond" intentionally, with emphasis, to indicate it really wasn't much...but my heart stopped anyway of course.) She even said, she knew it was just probably an infatuation, he's a confidant and a fellow sufferer with a marriage problem of his own, etc.
Objectively, I can see this and understand. But I'm not objective right now. I'm a crazy whirlwind of anxious emotion. Objectivity and rationality are not key words in my current state. So, emotionally - it was the Giant Hammer. My heart was pounded flat in an instant.
She wants "space." There's a guy. Is she saying she wants to see other people? A seperation? What?
!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?
So I ask. She's not sure. Again, objectively (and more so this time, I really do understand this one...) this is new to her. She's had time to think, absorb, digest a bit...but she's talking to me about it for the first time. She doesn't know how she feels for certain either, probably.
She says things like, "I don't want to lose you as a friend." WHA? Is this high school, are we dating? I'm freaking out. I relax a little. I freak out some more. (Inside my head I mean. I do not freak out physically or anything. Once again..."more on that later.")
I know trust is the most important thing that we need to get back to fix anything. I know this with all my heart and soul. EL has never given me any reason to not trust her - none. Unless, maybe, you count that she bottled this stuff up for so long. But she had a reason - a damn good one, as I see it from her eyes - to do that, so that's not a trust issue. She was afraid of me and how I'd react.
But...it's hard to trust her. It's hard to think she's just talking to this guy to make herself feel better. I feel like it's a competition. I'm in a horse race, but I'm carrying all the weight. He's the guy who's making her feel special, loved, cared for, who's saying and doing all the nice little things that, once, I did. I'm the guy who's been the Bad Husband for the last 2 years. "There's only one way this can POSSIBLY end up" is all I'm thinking.
(Aside, again - as time's passed a little, and also as my 1st therapist pointed out last night, I see that I've got some things on my side of the balance - 9 years that weren't all bad. A son. A life together. EL is a wonderful person and I know those things do mean a lot to her. She's not going to toss it away on an infatuation. She in fact tells me right out, "I wouldn't leave a marriage for another man." That's not quite as reassuring as it sounds of course, because she can and should and will do what's right for HER in this, so...what's right for her might be to leave, and part of why that might be right is another man that's special to her. But she has said a few times in conversations these last few days, that she takes her marriage seriously enough that she would never "cheat." But......??? Trust, again, I know. But it's so hard when your heart feels this way. Just words to placate me, or the real truth in her heart? How could I ever know anyway?)
So...the ticking bomb, the Sword of Damocles over my head - how long do I have until these feelings she has crystalize more? And always...in the back of my mind....is she telling me the whole truth? I KNOW what a bastard I am for thinking that, but wouldn't anyone?
Emotionally shaken to the foundations, mind racing a mile a minute for 16 hours a day....wouldn't anyone?
Well, anyway....to continue...somewhere around this time she also mentions she wants to go out after work on Friday (that's tonight, for those of you keeping score) with "friends from work." Hey we all do that, that's fine. She's done it before, so have I.
But of course...we all know what I'm thinking now as I put these facts together in my head.
I try to avoid thinking about it - an impossible task, it's ALL I'm thinking about, but what else can I do? I still think my wife's going on a "date" Friday night, though she says she's not, and I try so hard not to talk about it and bother her and show her my lack of trust. Another impossible task.
The rest of Monday night is a blur of sadness, despair, etc. Rollercoaster Day Two, basically.
Monday: My day at work was a blur. I might've got something slightly productive done. In fact, right this second as I reflect back, I did. I did a final edit on an outline for a course we're developing. (I'm a curriculum designer - I write and design training materials for my company's employees. It's a new job for me, for the last 5 years, up 'till a month and a half ago, I was a trainer for the same company. Yes, the new job is a part of all this, too.) I probably knew down inside I better get that finalized for the rest of the team to work off of as I might not be there for awhile.
Monday night, around 10 or so when The Boy was asleep, we talked some more.Of course I sensed things. So we repeated some of the commentary from the night before, she repeated she was willing to work together (mainly just going to couples counseling with me as I worked through and tried to fix all the issues that I've got that brought us to this point) but she, having had time to think things over herself, no doubt, had some additional feelings now. "I need space" she said. "I have to do what's right for me" she said. "And The Boy is the most important part of this of all."
"Is there someone else?" I had to ask.
"Well...there is someone I've been confiding to at work. Lately, I guess, I've grown a little fond of him." (She used that "fond" intentionally, with emphasis, to indicate it really wasn't much...but my heart stopped anyway of course.) She even said, she knew it was just probably an infatuation, he's a confidant and a fellow sufferer with a marriage problem of his own, etc.
Objectively, I can see this and understand. But I'm not objective right now. I'm a crazy whirlwind of anxious emotion. Objectivity and rationality are not key words in my current state. So, emotionally - it was the Giant Hammer. My heart was pounded flat in an instant.
She wants "space." There's a guy. Is she saying she wants to see other people? A seperation? What?
!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?
So I ask. She's not sure. Again, objectively (and more so this time, I really do understand this one...) this is new to her. She's had time to think, absorb, digest a bit...but she's talking to me about it for the first time. She doesn't know how she feels for certain either, probably.
She says things like, "I don't want to lose you as a friend." WHA? Is this high school, are we dating? I'm freaking out. I relax a little. I freak out some more. (Inside my head I mean. I do not freak out physically or anything. Once again..."more on that later.")
I know trust is the most important thing that we need to get back to fix anything. I know this with all my heart and soul. EL has never given me any reason to not trust her - none. Unless, maybe, you count that she bottled this stuff up for so long. But she had a reason - a damn good one, as I see it from her eyes - to do that, so that's not a trust issue. She was afraid of me and how I'd react.
But...it's hard to trust her. It's hard to think she's just talking to this guy to make herself feel better. I feel like it's a competition. I'm in a horse race, but I'm carrying all the weight. He's the guy who's making her feel special, loved, cared for, who's saying and doing all the nice little things that, once, I did. I'm the guy who's been the Bad Husband for the last 2 years. "There's only one way this can POSSIBLY end up" is all I'm thinking.
(Aside, again - as time's passed a little, and also as my 1st therapist pointed out last night, I see that I've got some things on my side of the balance - 9 years that weren't all bad. A son. A life together. EL is a wonderful person and I know those things do mean a lot to her. She's not going to toss it away on an infatuation. She in fact tells me right out, "I wouldn't leave a marriage for another man." That's not quite as reassuring as it sounds of course, because she can and should and will do what's right for HER in this, so...what's right for her might be to leave, and part of why that might be right is another man that's special to her. But she has said a few times in conversations these last few days, that she takes her marriage seriously enough that she would never "cheat." But......??? Trust, again, I know. But it's so hard when your heart feels this way. Just words to placate me, or the real truth in her heart? How could I ever know anyway?)
So...the ticking bomb, the Sword of Damocles over my head - how long do I have until these feelings she has crystalize more? And always...in the back of my mind....is she telling me the whole truth? I KNOW what a bastard I am for thinking that, but wouldn't anyone?
Emotionally shaken to the foundations, mind racing a mile a minute for 16 hours a day....wouldn't anyone?
Well, anyway....to continue...somewhere around this time she also mentions she wants to go out after work on Friday (that's tonight, for those of you keeping score) with "friends from work." Hey we all do that, that's fine. She's done it before, so have I.
But of course...we all know what I'm thinking now as I put these facts together in my head.
I try to avoid thinking about it - an impossible task, it's ALL I'm thinking about, but what else can I do? I still think my wife's going on a "date" Friday night, though she says she's not, and I try so hard not to talk about it and bother her and show her my lack of trust. Another impossible task.
The rest of Monday night is a blur of sadness, despair, etc. Rollercoaster Day Two, basically.
posted by Fensty at 10:36 AM
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