The End of My Marriage? - A blog, a diary, a stream of conciousness...

So, here I am. It's 7:30am on Friday, October 15th, 2004.

On any other day, I would barely be rising up from sleep at this point. Probably rolling over and clicking the snooze at least 2 or 3 more times, if not 5 or 6. I've never been what'd you'd call an "early riser."

But, of course, I can't sleep now. I'm not suffering from complete insomnia, I'm tired enough at night after a day of emotional roller-coaster riding to fall asleep reasonably easily, but once something wakes me up, that's it. The safety bar comes down on the car, the ride operator gives his, "Remainseatedkeepyourarmsinsidehaveaniceride" patter and there's that =JOLT= as the roller coaster gets into gear and starts again for the day. Goodbye sleep! Goodbye more than 5 minutes of thinking along any particular line. Goodbye focus on anything. Hello shaking hands, pounding heart, fluttery chest, hot anxious bloodstream, sucker-punch-in-the-gut wind-knocked-out-of-me feeling in my head and heart for the next 16 hours or so.

Remember when you first fell in love, and later, when it first fell apart? It's like that. Except, this isn't a high school romance, it's my 5 year marriage, 2 year old son, and life with my wife and partner of 9 years. So, take all those hot, painful emotions and add on the weight of a little boy, a home, and life as a family...

(First ever aside: Please, as you read this, don't read too much melodrama into things. I will be making statements like, "It's all my fault." Actually, it pretty much is, that's not drama, just fact. Describing my mental states is not to garner sympathy nor show myself as a tortured soul. Quite simply, writing it all down is the only way I can deal with it right now. More on that a bit later...)

So. I've had to lie in bed the last half-hour or so listening to my wife get ready for work, and use her computer for some quick morning E-mail. No big deal, right? But this morning...it's a bit different.

How did it come to this? I don't mean that in the grand sense of, "How did my marriage come to this..." At least, not just yet. We'll get to that. Oh, will we ever.

No. I mean, why am I the basket case (a term I never really used before, but my friend Annalisa used in a conversation on Tuesday when I first told someone what was going on, and has described me perfectly, I thought. I don't even know what it means, but to me, I see myself as a kitten under a laundry basket. Frantically spinning in circles, bumping into the walls every step, losing all reason and simply turning in on myself in blind panic. Oh yeah, I'm a basket case, eh?) that I am at this particular moment?

It's been only 5 days that I really knew there was a problem. And there's a ticking time bomb in the room here, one where you don't know how long the fuse is. How long do I have to even attempt to save the last 9 years? Is it so doomed to failure I shouldn't try? (I do know the answer to that of course - you have to try. Trying is what makes it bearable, I think.)

(2nd aside: We were married on 5/20/2000 in what I honestly have always described as the happiest day of my life. No cliche' there. Really. And that's not slighting my son - the day he was born, was a momentous day, but "happy" was only one of so many emotions THAT day. My wedding day was joy (if also nervousness!) from start to end. The very first words the pastor spoke when we met at the altar was, "Well, they're smiling. This must be good." It was true. I had a goofy grin on my face all day long that I couldn't wipe off, nor did I really want to. My wife had that glow that all men must see on that day, I suppose. All lucky men anyway. But that's not the point for this aside, pardon the ramble (wow! First ramble!) into the tangentical. No - all I really wanted to say was, the marriage itself is 4 1/2 years old now, but we met in September 1995 so our relationship is 9 years old. As I ramble on, I may throw both numbers around. So you know.)


So...what's happened over the last 5 days? Well, let's begin.


The ride began at about 11:00pm last Sunday. My wife had returned from a trip to Disney World with our son and her mother. Just a quick little 3 day thing for the Halloween events down there. We used to go to Disney together all the time, but lately, she's been going mostly just with her mom. Oh yeah, I know what you're thinking - how stupid ARE you, buddy? Trust me - a LOT more on this later. But it's not the point right now.

Somewhat ironically I suppose, I have been doing a lot of soul-searching the last few weeks and in particular, that weekend. I had no other diversions that in previous weekends wasted my time. (A lot more on THAT later, too!) I did a lot of thinking in particular this weekend. Now, some (me among them, in fact) might say this means I already knew inside there was a problem. Duh! Of COURSE I did. But I did not know the scope...no, not at all.

So, it started with me saying, I felt bad I missed The Boy's Halloween at Disney. I missed it last year too, but this year was different - this year he had his little Stitch costume, could walk and talk and say "Trick or Treat!" and all that stuff. I'd also been thinking so much about my wife and how we used to be happy and how things seemed so distant lately. I don't remember all the details, but the key phrase I said was, "Don't you wish it could get back to that way again?" Her reply:

"I do. But I'm not sure I want it to be with you."

I really don't remember much of what we said after that. The sucker punch had hit my gut. The wind was knocked out of me. I just don't remember. I recall there was some talk about, how bad was it really? Did I miss THAT many signals? Was she ready to leave - or ask me to? And that sort of thing. The answers must have been equivocal enough at that point that it wasn't a complete and total sense of despair. Yes, she'd tell me what the problems were. Yes, she'd let me get some help, go to counseling together, see what we could do. So it seemed not-so-far-gone...the rollercoaster was heading up the hill, it was bumpin' and joltin' and things were definitely fluttery...but...it seemed like we could get on the road to recovery and see where it would lead us. I could be hopefully optimistic - marriages sometimes have problems. And, as I've said, I surely knew already that I was the cause and what some of the biggest ones were. Oh yeah, I'll be writing PLENTY about all of those. That's half of what this blog will be about.

You know there's another shoe about to drop, of course. Here we go...

Monday: My day at work was a blur. I might've got something slightly productive done. In fact, right this second as I reflect back, I did. I did a final edit on an outline for a course we're developing. (I'm a curriculum designer - I write and design training materials for my company's employees. It's a new job for me, for the last 5 years, up 'till a month and a half ago, I was a trainer for the same company. Yes, the new job is a part of all this, too.) I probably knew down inside I better get that finalized for the rest of the team to work off of as I might not be there for awhile. Monday night, around 10 or so when The Boy was asleep, we talked some more.

Of course I sensed things. So we repeated some of the commentary from the night before, she repeated she was willing to work together (mainly just going to couples counseling with me as I worked through and tried to fix all the issues that I've got that brought us to this point) but she, having had time to think things over herself, no doubt, had some additional feelings now. "I need space" she said. "I have to do what's right for me" she said. "And The Boy is the most important part of this of all."

"Is there someone else?" I had to ask.

"Well...there is someone I've been confiding to at work. Lately, I guess, I've grown a little fond of them." (She used that word intentionally, with emphasis, to indicate it really wasn't much...but my heart stopped anyway of course.) She even said, she knew it was just probably an infatuation, he's a confidant and a fellow sufferer with a marriage problem of his own, etc.

Objectively, I can see this and understand. But I'm not objective right now. I'm a crazy whirlwind of anxious emotion. Objectivity and rationality are not key words in my current state.

So, emotionally - it was the Giant Hammer. My heart was pounded flat in an instant. She wants "space." There's a guy. Is she saying she wants to see other people? A seperation? What?

?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?

So I ask. She's not sure. Again, objectively (and more so this time, I really do understand this one...) this is new to her. She's had time to think, absorb, digest a bit...but she's talking to me about it for the first time. She doesn't know how she feels for certain either, probably.


I know trust is the most important thing that we need to get back to fix anything. I know this with all my heart and soul. EL has never given me any reason to not trust her - none. Unless, maybe, you count that she bottled this stuff up for so long. But she had a reason - a damn good one, as I see it from her eyes - to do that, so that's not a trust issue. She was afraid of me and how I'd react. More on THAT later, as I keep saying.

But...it's hard to trust her. It's hard to think she's just talking to this guy to make herself feel better. I feel like it's a competition. I'm in a horse race, but I'm carrying all the weight. He's the guy who's making her feel special, loved, cared for, who's saying and doing all the nice little things that, once, I did. I'm the guy who's been the Bad Husband for the last 2 years. "There's only one way this can POSSIBLY end up" I'm thinking.

(Aside, again - as time's passed a little, and also as my 1st therapist pointed out last night, I see that I've got some things on my side of the balance - 9 years that weren't all bad. A son. A life together. EL is a wonderful person and I know those things do mean a lot to her. She's not going to toss it away on an infatuation. She in fact tells me right out, "I wouldn't leave a marriage for another man." That's not quite as reassuring as it sounds of course, because she can and should and will do what's right for HER in this, so...what's right for her might be to leave, and part of why that might be right is another man that's special to her.)

So...the ticking bomb, the Sword of Damocles over my head - how long do I have until these feelings she has crystalize more?

And always...in the back of my mind....is she telling me the whole truth? I KNOW what a bastard I am for thinking that, but wouldn't anyone? Emotionally shaken to the foundations, mind racing a mile a minute for 16 hours a day....wouldn' anyone?

Well, anyway....to continue...somewhere around this time she also mentions she wants to go out after work on Friday (that's tonight, for those of you keeping score) with "friends from work." Hey we all do that, that's fine.

But of course...we all know what I'm thinking now as I put these facts together in my head.

I try to avoid thinking about it - an impossible task, it's ALL I'm thinking about, but what else can I do? I still think my wife's going on a "date" Friday night, though she says she's not, and I try so hard not to talk about it and bother her and show her my lack of trust. Another impossible task.

I guess what makes the most sense is to end this here and start on Tuesday in the next post.