Day Five: Thursday
(I'm still writing this on Friday night. She's on her date right now, in fact. I'm trying to "catch up" to real time but probably won't make it before she gets home. The Boy was much, much better today. Basically over his sickness completely. So we had a long busy day with lots of playtime and only one nap, so there was no time to update since this morning.)
So. Thursday dawns. Anxiety, neurosis continues. Rollercoaster ride has not changed a whit in 4 days now. Up, down, up, down every 30 seconds.
The Boy has a longer attention span than I do. He asks to watch a movie, I put it in, I forget to push play. Yes, it's that bad. My 2 year old son has to say, "Daddy, start the movie!"
I still haven't eaten. There was a McDonald's cheeseburger back on Tuesday, I think. That's it aside from a few grapes I eat while trying to get The Boy to take some nourishment for his sickness.
By today, he's feeling a BIT better. Still feverish and sick, but at least wants to eat a bit of bread and fruit first thing in the morning, and drinks some ice water without crying. Encouraging.
So she's off to work and it's 13 hours until I see the marriage counselor. Solo this time, she's going next time. I've got nothing to do but ride the roller coaster.
Perversely, that means this entry is very short. Nothing much new happens. I know what I need to know, she still won't admit it fully, but I know. She's going on a date to the drive-in movie. She's lied to me telling me it's a "public place." I have no idea then if I can trust all the other stuff she's said about still being true to our marriage vows, giving me time to show her I can change before she rushes off and falls for some new guy, etc. But I still want to believe.
However, she's late getting home from work. So much so she misses a doctor appointment of her own. Hmm. She's NEVER EVER EVER late from work.
This goes into the constant newsreel of self-doubt and anxiety that's been running thru my mind for 4 days now. Of COURSE she's staying late chatting with the guy. But innocent or not, who can tell? She needs friends to talk to, surely...
So, my appointment. Counselor agrees I'm a ball of anxiety. Tries to tell me...she's got a life invested in me. She won't throw it away lightly. That she's willing to come and talk is important. Lots of other stuff about me, my issues (notice we STILL have not spoken of any of that, my reader...we will...once this blog is caught up to real time) and how we'll proceed.
The only thing right this moment, as I type, that I clearly remember is the talking about that I read some Email. I tell him - I could do it again so easily. Search the cached pages. Yahoo is so freakin' unsecure that way. I say, I KNOW that I shouldn't. He agrees. "There can't be secrets if this is going to work." That's fair and true - but - what about her secrets from me? "Doesn't she deserve your respect and privacy?" he says. Yes, she does. Very much so. Starting out on this footing will NOT solve anything.
I have to break into at least ONE of the issues that's causing the marriage problems (aside from The Guy that is) and that's this: My wife apparently is afraid of me. She thinks I will go crazy and beat her or hurt her or hurt The Boy. This is....absolutely and positively NEVER going to happen, but she can't shake that thought, and I know why she feels that way, and will get into that later.
But it's important to the narrative right now to mention that.
He suggests I immediately tell her everything. I of course have already considered this. It really ISN'T healthy or useful for me to know what I know. I have in fact figured what I would do is confront her with this this once, then, tell her how to shut off automatic login on Yahoo, and how to wipe her cache clean.
He agrees this is a good idea. But I explain: If I tell her this now, she'll really freak. She'll be driven more into his arms, she'll probably tell him he's "in danger" or who knows what. (Again - this is crazy. Yes, I wanted to know who it was, but just so I could know who I was up against in love and emotion. Never violence. Sheesh - I'm a pacifist and a wuss....) He still thinks I need to own up, and I agree. I decide I will wait until at least a few days have gone by, then spill it all, and she'll realize I've known for days exactly what was going on. In my mind, this may make her realize I'm NOT going to do something irrational or crazy towards him, her, or anything else because I could have but didn't. I dunno, that may be stupid, but that's my plan.
He basically "tables" that area of discussion. We agree that I will return on Thursday with her. But I tell him - I can't wait that long to talk it out. Plus, I'll need to talk to someone about whatever happens between her and I when she gets home from this "date." So we agree I'll come in solo again on Tuesday.
I leave him by asking - how on Earth do I "deal" with sitting home Friday night thinking about where she is and what she's doing. He tells me - there's no easy answer. Talk to someone if I can. That's when he suggests writing it out. As already stated (back in "Tuesday" I think it was) I can't believe that didn't occur to me already. I decide to start this blog and invite him to read it. It'll also be a good way to just let my family and friends in on what's going on.
I'm not shy about it. People need to know, I want it out in the open. I've always been one to wear my heart on my sleeve...but this will get deeply personal. But I don't care. I want to write it and I want people who know me to read it. I may want her to read it herself, if she wants.
Anyway, that wasn't a bad suggestion.
(Aside - on the way out, one of life's weird coincidences rears it's head. We'd been talking in session about my past, post-high-school life and a lot of my issues back then - which I'll get into in this blog as I keep saying. But anyway, he walks me out to the receptionist to schedule the future appointments. Now, she's looked and SOUNDED familiar (high pitched voice) since I started talking to her on the phone the day before and filling out the papers, etc. when I arrived. I ask her, "Do I know you, does my name sound familiar?" (I've got a very unique last name.) She says "Yes, but we see a lot of people and that name's not that weird for this area..did you go to Liberty High School?" "No, and you're not in your mid-30's either so that's not it" I say. I ask her her name. It's Carrie. WHAM! I'm transported back to 1995. She worked with me at Domino's pizza. Many a party, etc. did we attend together. F'ing strange small world we live in. When I get into some of the issues around Domino's pizza, it'll be clear why it's even weirder. We share some quick small talk about those years and where people are now, etc. and I leave.)
So...I come home, talk to EL a bit about my session, ask a few more questions about what's going on with her, etc. She goes out to use the computer. I know exactly what she's doing - emailing him some more.
Will I be able to fight this temptation to view it again?
Tune in tomorrow....
So. Thursday dawns. Anxiety, neurosis continues. Rollercoaster ride has not changed a whit in 4 days now. Up, down, up, down every 30 seconds.
The Boy has a longer attention span than I do. He asks to watch a movie, I put it in, I forget to push play. Yes, it's that bad. My 2 year old son has to say, "Daddy, start the movie!"
I still haven't eaten. There was a McDonald's cheeseburger back on Tuesday, I think. That's it aside from a few grapes I eat while trying to get The Boy to take some nourishment for his sickness.
By today, he's feeling a BIT better. Still feverish and sick, but at least wants to eat a bit of bread and fruit first thing in the morning, and drinks some ice water without crying. Encouraging.
So she's off to work and it's 13 hours until I see the marriage counselor. Solo this time, she's going next time. I've got nothing to do but ride the roller coaster.
Perversely, that means this entry is very short. Nothing much new happens. I know what I need to know, she still won't admit it fully, but I know. She's going on a date to the drive-in movie. She's lied to me telling me it's a "public place." I have no idea then if I can trust all the other stuff she's said about still being true to our marriage vows, giving me time to show her I can change before she rushes off and falls for some new guy, etc. But I still want to believe.
However, she's late getting home from work. So much so she misses a doctor appointment of her own. Hmm. She's NEVER EVER EVER late from work.
This goes into the constant newsreel of self-doubt and anxiety that's been running thru my mind for 4 days now. Of COURSE she's staying late chatting with the guy. But innocent or not, who can tell? She needs friends to talk to, surely...
So, my appointment. Counselor agrees I'm a ball of anxiety. Tries to tell me...she's got a life invested in me. She won't throw it away lightly. That she's willing to come and talk is important. Lots of other stuff about me, my issues (notice we STILL have not spoken of any of that, my reader...we will...once this blog is caught up to real time) and how we'll proceed.
The only thing right this moment, as I type, that I clearly remember is the talking about that I read some Email. I tell him - I could do it again so easily. Search the cached pages. Yahoo is so freakin' unsecure that way. I say, I KNOW that I shouldn't. He agrees. "There can't be secrets if this is going to work." That's fair and true - but - what about her secrets from me? "Doesn't she deserve your respect and privacy?" he says. Yes, she does. Very much so. Starting out on this footing will NOT solve anything.
I have to break into at least ONE of the issues that's causing the marriage problems (aside from The Guy that is) and that's this: My wife apparently is afraid of me. She thinks I will go crazy and beat her or hurt her or hurt The Boy. This is....absolutely and positively NEVER going to happen, but she can't shake that thought, and I know why she feels that way, and will get into that later.
But it's important to the narrative right now to mention that.
He suggests I immediately tell her everything. I of course have already considered this. It really ISN'T healthy or useful for me to know what I know. I have in fact figured what I would do is confront her with this this once, then, tell her how to shut off automatic login on Yahoo, and how to wipe her cache clean.
He agrees this is a good idea. But I explain: If I tell her this now, she'll really freak. She'll be driven more into his arms, she'll probably tell him he's "in danger" or who knows what. (Again - this is crazy. Yes, I wanted to know who it was, but just so I could know who I was up against in love and emotion. Never violence. Sheesh - I'm a pacifist and a wuss....) He still thinks I need to own up, and I agree. I decide I will wait until at least a few days have gone by, then spill it all, and she'll realize I've known for days exactly what was going on. In my mind, this may make her realize I'm NOT going to do something irrational or crazy towards him, her, or anything else because I could have but didn't. I dunno, that may be stupid, but that's my plan.
He basically "tables" that area of discussion. We agree that I will return on Thursday with her. But I tell him - I can't wait that long to talk it out. Plus, I'll need to talk to someone about whatever happens between her and I when she gets home from this "date." So we agree I'll come in solo again on Tuesday.
I leave him by asking - how on Earth do I "deal" with sitting home Friday night thinking about where she is and what she's doing. He tells me - there's no easy answer. Talk to someone if I can. That's when he suggests writing it out. As already stated (back in "Tuesday" I think it was) I can't believe that didn't occur to me already. I decide to start this blog and invite him to read it. It'll also be a good way to just let my family and friends in on what's going on.
I'm not shy about it. People need to know, I want it out in the open. I've always been one to wear my heart on my sleeve...but this will get deeply personal. But I don't care. I want to write it and I want people who know me to read it. I may want her to read it herself, if she wants.
Anyway, that wasn't a bad suggestion.
(Aside - on the way out, one of life's weird coincidences rears it's head. We'd been talking in session about my past, post-high-school life and a lot of my issues back then - which I'll get into in this blog as I keep saying. But anyway, he walks me out to the receptionist to schedule the future appointments. Now, she's looked and SOUNDED familiar (high pitched voice) since I started talking to her on the phone the day before and filling out the papers, etc. when I arrived. I ask her, "Do I know you, does my name sound familiar?" (I've got a very unique last name.) She says "Yes, but we see a lot of people and that name's not that weird for this area..did you go to Liberty High School?" "No, and you're not in your mid-30's either so that's not it" I say. I ask her her name. It's Carrie. WHAM! I'm transported back to 1995. She worked with me at Domino's pizza. Many a party, etc. did we attend together. F'ing strange small world we live in. When I get into some of the issues around Domino's pizza, it'll be clear why it's even weirder. We share some quick small talk about those years and where people are now, etc. and I leave.)
So...I come home, talk to EL a bit about my session, ask a few more questions about what's going on with her, etc. She goes out to use the computer. I know exactly what she's doing - emailing him some more.
Will I be able to fight this temptation to view it again?
Tune in tomorrow....
posted by Fensty at 10:23 PM
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