Day Nine: Monday
Well. Monday.
She left at about 6:45AM again this morning. She never leaves for work that early. Never did before, anyway. OK then...whatever.
We had an interesting day yesterday at Hershey Park. It was fairly normal.
One interesting thing happened before that, that I actually handled extremely well. I guess the deck was stacked in my favor in it, since it was just me "finding" something that I already knew anyway, but it was good. She even WANTED to start talking about it all and I said no, we shouldn't, it's not worth talking about.
Anyway... I was cleaning up downstairs - a project I started while she was at breakfast with her mom (I first asked to go, then realized I was putting pressure on again and trying too hard, so instead I asked her if I could go next time, if she could ask her mom to make sure it was OK, etc. and that I'd just stay home and get a few things done, etc.) and The Boy.
So, one of the bulkiest things messing up the family room down there was all the suitcases we own, practically, were lined up or piled on the floor. From her most recent trip but even from before that one, several suitcases going back to like last April or something.
So I cleaned those out, put the smallers in the largers, brought 'em up to put in the attic. Cleared off the coffee table, the couch, the loveseat that are down there. Went to clean up the end table, there was an old little "backpack purse" that I hadn't seen her use in awhile, it seemed empty. Yes, I looked inside. NO, honestly, not to spy. She hasn't used it in months, why would there be anything in there relevant to the last week? And besides, it was light as a feather, I just wanted to be sure there wasn't anything imporant in it before I chucked it in a box. (Besides - why spy on something so lame when I already know far, far too much....?)
Inside? Two brand new condoms. Well. Not that I needed any "proof" - actually they are less proof than what I already know which is too much for my own good.
No, but the funny thing was, I had to decide what to do. I decided just to leave the bag there in a pile of "EL things" that she should either throw out or keep. (That's my cleaning system for the clutter that stacks up around here. Put whatever belongs somewhere, there. Whatever really has no home, put in a pile to look at last.) I just used it as a place to put any mail lying around addressed to her, same way there was a box of stuff to take up to the bathroom (sunblock, bandaids, cough drops - other crap from the suitcases) and a box for my desk (tons of little wires, patch cords, network cables, and other computer bits) and so on.
So she came home, and looked at it, looked at me, started to ask "Oh is that mail for me in there?" and I didn't have the heart to to do anything mean or play head games or anything.
I simply said, "Yes...and, if you are wondering - I saw them. I don't care. Let's not talk about it, like we're not supposed to, and just enjoy the day. It doesn't matter. I don't care." And you know, I meant it. I did, because, I don't care.
What I do NOT want her to do is LIE anymore. If we'd gotten into a convo about it, she'd have started to lie to cover herself and I don't want to make her do that. She started to say "You know they come 3 in a box and I'll show you the other one..." but I asked her what that would matter? She obviously had it on her mind to be prepared, I said. She wasn't going to "just talk" to the guy, if she was packing that. Whether she used it or not, who cares?
But, again, I said - it doesn't matter. HE is not the problem in our marriage right now.
I know that of course, but it's hard to stop thinking about him. Again, that's why I blog. Blog it here, don't annoy her by talking about it. That's my mantra. It's working, too. Not 100% yet, but it is. I usually end up with maybe just one or two things I want to say to her a day, now. I don't ask questions anymore - I ask them here, rhetorically. Et cetera...anyway, it's helping.
Hey, she's actually being very considerate and careful if she's going to do fuck around, at least she got a good, safe, reliable brand.
Of course, it was easier that I already KNEW...and I know she's "technically" telling the truth, she has the 3rd one, because they didn't quite get to that point yet. Just about everything else, as we'd say in high school, though.
At least, hadn't as of Friday night. Who knows what's going on today.
But I really am not thinking about it like I was. I know, hard to believe reading this that I'm not obsessing day and night about it all the time anymore, but I'm not. I still worry about my marriage every moment, true, but I'm not fixated on the other person.
Want to hear something bizarre? Freakin' bizarre?
I actually feel bad for her this weekend. NOT JUST about what I've done to her - I've been feeling bad as hell about that since Sunday. I'll always feel bad for that.
No - I feel bad because I don't think she got to talk to him all weekend long. I don't know, I didn't pry into any Emails, but I get the feeling she didn't. There was no Emailing or IM'ing going on and when I'm in the other room (as I go to when we give each other "space") I can usually tell, even when I don't want to know. I hear the alert sounds and the typing away and stuff. This whole weekend, there was none.
She also seemed really depressed and upset. I don't know what to make of that. Maybe she missed him, and hated being with me. That...would be awful. Or maybe, just mabye, she realized this guy blew her off this weekend and I was trying my hardest.
I don't know. Maybe she'll tell me, maybe she won't. But she was upset about something. Maybe it was the condom thing, I don't know.
But I really did feel badly for her, that she's all hot for some guy who didn't even make his "chat dates" with her. I hope that sinks into her.
I want to hope that she starts to realize an affair isn't a boyfriend. He's sneaking around on his wife, too. Just because her husband knows and is putting up with it, doesn't mean his wife will. Please, EL, figure that out. Give me the chances I need to make a difference...
I wish she was getting good advice from someone. I KNOW I cannot tell her these things. What would it sound like? Exactly what she fucking hates - the pompous bastard husband telling her "oh, sweetiepie, I understand, you'll come around to my way of thinking eventually, it's OK." That would make me look like a Colossal Ass. Drive her closer to him. So I'm keeping my thoughts to myself. Well, and here....
I talked to my father's wife last night also, who as I've said is an amazingly wonderful woman. (COO - if you read this - I always call you "my father's wife" because that's what my mother insisted on. Please don't read anything distant into it. She refused to let us use the term "stepmother" and besides, blah, that sounds all evil-stepmother-fairy-tale crap....COO is more endearing!) Always treated me like a son. But never tried to be my mother or anything, in that way. She also helped give me some perspective.
All in all, thanks to everyone in my family and friends who are helping me deal with this. I couldn't do it without them.
So, I saw the psychiatrist this morning. After an hourlong chat about my issues, my past, my symptoms, and things that need to be worked on, she decided to start at 50mg of Zoloft and see what happens. I'm told it takes at least 2-3 weeks to start to feel any difference at all so I'm not to expect overnight changes. She said it would help with the anxiety and impulse control. Good.
Side effects? "About 10-20% of men report sexual side effects such as lack of sex drive, erection, or orgasm." Hmmm. Yeah. Somehow, I'm afraid, that's not going to be an issue even if it happens. Not right now. She's very cold to me in that area anymore. So...just ironic, is all.
Anyway....then I went to lunch with a few friends from work who were heading out right when I called one of them for "fashion tips." (More on that, in a moment.) It was interesting. I don't think they quite knew what to make of me or how to deal with it yet. I was actually fine. It was nice to be out. I ate a bit of food, and actually drank a non-diet soda. Since I'm barely eating at all, the sugar is something I actually need.
Yesterday I felt distinctly lightheaded and queasy for a bit when we got in the car and I think that was it. A can of Coke and I was normal. I ate a cheeseburger yesterday...lol. Anyway it was quiet at times and then some crazy laughter about Simpsons skits and stuff. Dunno, it might've just been a weird day in general. I wasn't at work, so I dunno...
The "Fashion Tip" comment was that I also, spur of the moment, went and bought a nice new suit. I have never actually owned a "suit." I've had jackets, and nice pants, and ties, and shirts, but never a matched up suit. Interesting feeling. It will be ready by Saturday, when EL and I attend the wedding of a relative. The Boy is ringbearer. I hope he's excited and does well. 2 years old...I'm not sure he can manage. Actually, maybe this week we can do something "cute" and practice in the hallway teaching him to walk slowly. I'm not sure if he'll be holding an older flower girl's hand, that might make it easier. Anyway, it wasn't anything exotic or expensive (compartively speaking, for a suit....$440 not counting shoes I've yet to buy. And, crap, just realized...a belt, too. Some people may read that and think, "That's it?" but to a guy who resents wearing anything other than khaki's and polo shirts...it's a big step. :)
But...what the fuck? One thing I know is that EL would like to have a man she can be proud of and makes her feel special. Me insisting on wearing khaki's and polo shirts to most functions...ain't cuttin' it. And it's only money anyway. Suddenly, money means almost nothing to me.
I mean - as I was driving to the psychiatrist, I passed a Ford dealership. I was about 30 seconds from driving in and having them sell me a brand new Cobra convertible.....not logical, but for a second there the feeling was very, very strong...like "Fuck it, I'm losing everything I care about...I want something for ME, if she gets to have what she wants..."
I came to my senses, of course. Besides I had to get to the doc. LOL. "Impulse Control Issues" indeed!
So my friend from work, she'll help me pick out shoes. I hate shoes. I wear the same 'ol brown topsiders just about everywhere, all the time. Rarely with socks. Yeah, I'm one of "those people." So that might change for the better, too.
It's about 4:30 now, I'll leave to pick up The Boy at daycare at about 5. First want to clean up the kitchen and get things ready. I am not making any spectacular dinner, just spaghetti, but it's about all I can handle. Baby steps...
She's not feeling like eating much either. That was another thing I realized yesterday.
Interesting, don't know what to make of it. Lovesick for him, or heartsick for us?
More later, perhaps.
She left at about 6:45AM again this morning. She never leaves for work that early. Never did before, anyway. OK then...whatever.
We had an interesting day yesterday at Hershey Park. It was fairly normal.
One interesting thing happened before that, that I actually handled extremely well. I guess the deck was stacked in my favor in it, since it was just me "finding" something that I already knew anyway, but it was good. She even WANTED to start talking about it all and I said no, we shouldn't, it's not worth talking about.
Anyway... I was cleaning up downstairs - a project I started while she was at breakfast with her mom (I first asked to go, then realized I was putting pressure on again and trying too hard, so instead I asked her if I could go next time, if she could ask her mom to make sure it was OK, etc. and that I'd just stay home and get a few things done, etc.) and The Boy.
So, one of the bulkiest things messing up the family room down there was all the suitcases we own, practically, were lined up or piled on the floor. From her most recent trip but even from before that one, several suitcases going back to like last April or something.
So I cleaned those out, put the smallers in the largers, brought 'em up to put in the attic. Cleared off the coffee table, the couch, the loveseat that are down there. Went to clean up the end table, there was an old little "backpack purse" that I hadn't seen her use in awhile, it seemed empty. Yes, I looked inside. NO, honestly, not to spy. She hasn't used it in months, why would there be anything in there relevant to the last week? And besides, it was light as a feather, I just wanted to be sure there wasn't anything imporant in it before I chucked it in a box. (Besides - why spy on something so lame when I already know far, far too much....?)
Inside? Two brand new condoms. Well. Not that I needed any "proof" - actually they are less proof than what I already know which is too much for my own good.
No, but the funny thing was, I had to decide what to do. I decided just to leave the bag there in a pile of "EL things" that she should either throw out or keep. (That's my cleaning system for the clutter that stacks up around here. Put whatever belongs somewhere, there. Whatever really has no home, put in a pile to look at last.) I just used it as a place to put any mail lying around addressed to her, same way there was a box of stuff to take up to the bathroom (sunblock, bandaids, cough drops - other crap from the suitcases) and a box for my desk (tons of little wires, patch cords, network cables, and other computer bits) and so on.
So she came home, and looked at it, looked at me, started to ask "Oh is that mail for me in there?" and I didn't have the heart to to do anything mean or play head games or anything.
I simply said, "Yes...and, if you are wondering - I saw them. I don't care. Let's not talk about it, like we're not supposed to, and just enjoy the day. It doesn't matter. I don't care." And you know, I meant it. I did, because, I don't care.
What I do NOT want her to do is LIE anymore. If we'd gotten into a convo about it, she'd have started to lie to cover herself and I don't want to make her do that. She started to say "You know they come 3 in a box and I'll show you the other one..." but I asked her what that would matter? She obviously had it on her mind to be prepared, I said. She wasn't going to "just talk" to the guy, if she was packing that. Whether she used it or not, who cares?
But, again, I said - it doesn't matter. HE is not the problem in our marriage right now.
I know that of course, but it's hard to stop thinking about him. Again, that's why I blog. Blog it here, don't annoy her by talking about it. That's my mantra. It's working, too. Not 100% yet, but it is. I usually end up with maybe just one or two things I want to say to her a day, now. I don't ask questions anymore - I ask them here, rhetorically. Et cetera...anyway, it's helping.
Hey, she's actually being very considerate and careful if she's going to do fuck around, at least she got a good, safe, reliable brand.
Of course, it was easier that I already KNEW...and I know she's "technically" telling the truth, she has the 3rd one, because they didn't quite get to that point yet. Just about everything else, as we'd say in high school, though.
At least, hadn't as of Friday night. Who knows what's going on today.
But I really am not thinking about it like I was. I know, hard to believe reading this that I'm not obsessing day and night about it all the time anymore, but I'm not. I still worry about my marriage every moment, true, but I'm not fixated on the other person.
Want to hear something bizarre? Freakin' bizarre?
I actually feel bad for her this weekend. NOT JUST about what I've done to her - I've been feeling bad as hell about that since Sunday. I'll always feel bad for that.
No - I feel bad because I don't think she got to talk to him all weekend long. I don't know, I didn't pry into any Emails, but I get the feeling she didn't. There was no Emailing or IM'ing going on and when I'm in the other room (as I go to when we give each other "space") I can usually tell, even when I don't want to know. I hear the alert sounds and the typing away and stuff. This whole weekend, there was none.
She also seemed really depressed and upset. I don't know what to make of that. Maybe she missed him, and hated being with me. That...would be awful. Or maybe, just mabye, she realized this guy blew her off this weekend and I was trying my hardest.
I don't know. Maybe she'll tell me, maybe she won't. But she was upset about something. Maybe it was the condom thing, I don't know.
But I really did feel badly for her, that she's all hot for some guy who didn't even make his "chat dates" with her. I hope that sinks into her.
I want to hope that she starts to realize an affair isn't a boyfriend. He's sneaking around on his wife, too. Just because her husband knows and is putting up with it, doesn't mean his wife will. Please, EL, figure that out. Give me the chances I need to make a difference...
I wish she was getting good advice from someone. I KNOW I cannot tell her these things. What would it sound like? Exactly what she fucking hates - the pompous bastard husband telling her "oh, sweetiepie, I understand, you'll come around to my way of thinking eventually, it's OK." That would make me look like a Colossal Ass. Drive her closer to him. So I'm keeping my thoughts to myself. Well, and here....
I talked to my father's wife last night also, who as I've said is an amazingly wonderful woman. (COO - if you read this - I always call you "my father's wife" because that's what my mother insisted on. Please don't read anything distant into it. She refused to let us use the term "stepmother" and besides, blah, that sounds all evil-stepmother-fairy-tale crap....COO is more endearing!) Always treated me like a son. But never tried to be my mother or anything, in that way. She also helped give me some perspective.
All in all, thanks to everyone in my family and friends who are helping me deal with this. I couldn't do it without them.
So, I saw the psychiatrist this morning. After an hourlong chat about my issues, my past, my symptoms, and things that need to be worked on, she decided to start at 50mg of Zoloft and see what happens. I'm told it takes at least 2-3 weeks to start to feel any difference at all so I'm not to expect overnight changes. She said it would help with the anxiety and impulse control. Good.
Side effects? "About 10-20% of men report sexual side effects such as lack of sex drive, erection, or orgasm." Hmmm. Yeah. Somehow, I'm afraid, that's not going to be an issue even if it happens. Not right now. She's very cold to me in that area anymore. So...just ironic, is all.
Anyway....then I went to lunch with a few friends from work who were heading out right when I called one of them for "fashion tips." (More on that, in a moment.) It was interesting. I don't think they quite knew what to make of me or how to deal with it yet. I was actually fine. It was nice to be out. I ate a bit of food, and actually drank a non-diet soda. Since I'm barely eating at all, the sugar is something I actually need.
Yesterday I felt distinctly lightheaded and queasy for a bit when we got in the car and I think that was it. A can of Coke and I was normal. I ate a cheeseburger yesterday...lol. Anyway it was quiet at times and then some crazy laughter about Simpsons skits and stuff. Dunno, it might've just been a weird day in general. I wasn't at work, so I dunno...
The "Fashion Tip" comment was that I also, spur of the moment, went and bought a nice new suit. I have never actually owned a "suit." I've had jackets, and nice pants, and ties, and shirts, but never a matched up suit. Interesting feeling. It will be ready by Saturday, when EL and I attend the wedding of a relative. The Boy is ringbearer. I hope he's excited and does well. 2 years old...I'm not sure he can manage. Actually, maybe this week we can do something "cute" and practice in the hallway teaching him to walk slowly. I'm not sure if he'll be holding an older flower girl's hand, that might make it easier. Anyway, it wasn't anything exotic or expensive (compartively speaking, for a suit....$440 not counting shoes I've yet to buy. And, crap, just realized...a belt, too. Some people may read that and think, "That's it?" but to a guy who resents wearing anything other than khaki's and polo shirts...it's a big step. :)
But...what the fuck? One thing I know is that EL would like to have a man she can be proud of and makes her feel special. Me insisting on wearing khaki's and polo shirts to most functions...ain't cuttin' it. And it's only money anyway. Suddenly, money means almost nothing to me.
I mean - as I was driving to the psychiatrist, I passed a Ford dealership. I was about 30 seconds from driving in and having them sell me a brand new Cobra convertible.....not logical, but for a second there the feeling was very, very strong...like "Fuck it, I'm losing everything I care about...I want something for ME, if she gets to have what she wants..."
I came to my senses, of course. Besides I had to get to the doc. LOL. "Impulse Control Issues" indeed!
So my friend from work, she'll help me pick out shoes. I hate shoes. I wear the same 'ol brown topsiders just about everywhere, all the time. Rarely with socks. Yeah, I'm one of "those people." So that might change for the better, too.
It's about 4:30 now, I'll leave to pick up The Boy at daycare at about 5. First want to clean up the kitchen and get things ready. I am not making any spectacular dinner, just spaghetti, but it's about all I can handle. Baby steps...
She's not feeling like eating much either. That was another thing I realized yesterday.
Interesting, don't know what to make of it. Lovesick for him, or heartsick for us?
More later, perhaps.
posted by Fensty at 4:01 PM
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