Day Seven: Saturday
Well. Now I know. I had no choice - I had to know for sure, and now I do. This relationship she's in is physical. It's not what she's telling me it is, not at all. But...now I know. I know it was horribly, horribly wrong to keep doing it, but I had to look again at the cache. I had to know. And now, I do. I saw enough bits and pieces of Email in there to confirm....my worst fears. It's physical. This is not circumstantial evidence, conjecture, etc. I know who did what to whom, who liked what, and far, far more. And even talk of what'll happen next time...
It's bad, but somehow...it's better knowing. You know I've said 3 times now in this blog that I'm going to stop doing this, and tell her how to protect herself from my weak-willed prying eyes. But now, I know I can easily do it. There is nothing I could read that would tell me anything more I need to know. She needs her privacy - she needed it all along, it's horrible I've done what I've done...but what would you have done in my shoes? It's too easy. I'd set her up with a regular POP email account which would be nigh-impossible for me to spy on (I don't have that kinda net-smarts, and no, I don't WANT them!) but she probably wouldn't trust me. I suppose when I tell her, she'll just stop using the home computer for anything completely. That's probably better, but, I actually feel bad I'll be taking that away from her if she does. She needs the outlet. I hate to say it but I know it's true. She needs to be able to communicate with this guy - and anyone else she wants to - about what's going on. I'm just a weak-willed jerk in this regard. But I MOST DEFINITELY will stop now, and will tell her. I can't do it this weekend, though, I'm going to need to speak to my counselor first on Tuesday and figure out how to do it without completely and irrevocably destroying any and all trust in me that she might have left.
And she was truthful about one important thing - this talk of divorce and things did not come out of this relationship. It started, basically, the way she said. But it's gone very very VERY far since then. But...at base...I can deal. I don't much care. She may be having all kinds of confused "feelings" and why wouldn't she - wouldn't anyone?
I did drive it to this. The marriage was ruined months ago, if not longer, and he just showed up recently. So...let it go, I'm telling myself. It's physical, and emotional...but...it's not love yet. So...ok.
And I feel so much better for knowing. I really do. The uncertainty is gone, it sucks she's lying to me, but whatever. That's for counseling...
I'm done with reading her Email. There's no longer any point in it. What good would it do, it will only hurt me more and she DOES deserve her privacy. I just had to know what was REALLY going on. From this point on, she gets her privacy, and she gets her space.
I'll be speaking with my counselor about how to reveal I know these things, if at all. And I will show her how to delete her cached files and how to change her Yahoo password, and how to set Yahoo IM! not to auto-login. Then she will be safe from my prying. I'll be tempted sooner or later, but I'll have closed off my means to do so.
The other major development today was that I spoke to my father about this. Now, that wasn't easy. I had to call someone though, because I was nagging her again and I knew how bad that is to do. So...I called the old man. One reason this is so awkward is that we're not super-close on an emotional level. I'm a child of divorce myself - one reason I do NOT want to end up that way, for the sake of The Boy - and that throws a weird patina over our conversations about marriage and stuff. He left my mother for "another woman" when I was 5. Once I hit adulthood, I began to realize, that he's a human like all others, he had to do what he had to do. It was bad for me, my brother, sister, and mother, but it wasn't the end of the universe. Maybe it was better even. Who knows? (There's an inherent point in there as towards my own situation, but I'm going to ignore it completely. It will NOT be for the better for MY marriage to end, never...may happen, but it won't be "better." No sir.) But anyway - so we've never really talked about those years, or the reasons for what happened between him and my mother, or his new wife (who is a wonderful, loving, lovely woman who has never been anything but open, kind, and generous to all his children) nor do I want to. So it had to be awkward for him too. But we had a nice talk. He grounded me in some things I needed grounding in.
His advice, combined with my knowing for sure just what's going on with her...has calmed me more than I would have thought possible just yesterday. Oh, I'm still abasket case, but my mind is spinning just a bit slower, just a bit less wobbly, and a bit lighter. I understand about her needing "space." I was terribly overcompensating for it all today, EL and The Boy and I were at the mall, buying underwear (yeah, for him to see her in...) and I was just nutty in my attempts to be casual about things. I think I know now how to "balance" the space she needs with my desire to show her I'm already making changes.
Because that was the thing. How could I give her "space" and leave her alone, when it would look like I was just being my old self and ignoring her? But...I think I get it now. And since I know just how bad things are, and what's going on with the other guy...well...she can have the space to think it over and decide what she's going to do. I'll take her at her word about how she'll give it a fair amount of time to see what happens, both with me and in her heart.
So...space. Not easy, still driving me crazy, but I see what will happen if I keep harping at her. My dad was VERY forceful about it. I needed that. I kept telling him, "Just keep saying that. To leave her alone. That it'll only drive her further away." He was happy to comply....
So. The next entry, finally, will be what's "wrong" with me. What issues I have that have driven her to this. I'll be writing it in the other room on my laptop while she's out here emailing or chatting or whatever with that guy. And I'll deal with it, somehow.
It's bad, but somehow...it's better knowing. You know I've said 3 times now in this blog that I'm going to stop doing this, and tell her how to protect herself from my weak-willed prying eyes. But now, I know I can easily do it. There is nothing I could read that would tell me anything more I need to know. She needs her privacy - she needed it all along, it's horrible I've done what I've done...but what would you have done in my shoes? It's too easy. I'd set her up with a regular POP email account which would be nigh-impossible for me to spy on (I don't have that kinda net-smarts, and no, I don't WANT them!) but she probably wouldn't trust me. I suppose when I tell her, she'll just stop using the home computer for anything completely. That's probably better, but, I actually feel bad I'll be taking that away from her if she does. She needs the outlet. I hate to say it but I know it's true. She needs to be able to communicate with this guy - and anyone else she wants to - about what's going on. I'm just a weak-willed jerk in this regard. But I MOST DEFINITELY will stop now, and will tell her. I can't do it this weekend, though, I'm going to need to speak to my counselor first on Tuesday and figure out how to do it without completely and irrevocably destroying any and all trust in me that she might have left.
And she was truthful about one important thing - this talk of divorce and things did not come out of this relationship. It started, basically, the way she said. But it's gone very very VERY far since then. But...at base...I can deal. I don't much care. She may be having all kinds of confused "feelings" and why wouldn't she - wouldn't anyone?
I did drive it to this. The marriage was ruined months ago, if not longer, and he just showed up recently. So...let it go, I'm telling myself. It's physical, and emotional...but...it's not love yet. So...ok.
And I feel so much better for knowing. I really do. The uncertainty is gone, it sucks she's lying to me, but whatever. That's for counseling...
I'm done with reading her Email. There's no longer any point in it. What good would it do, it will only hurt me more and she DOES deserve her privacy. I just had to know what was REALLY going on. From this point on, she gets her privacy, and she gets her space.
I'll be speaking with my counselor about how to reveal I know these things, if at all. And I will show her how to delete her cached files and how to change her Yahoo password, and how to set Yahoo IM! not to auto-login. Then she will be safe from my prying. I'll be tempted sooner or later, but I'll have closed off my means to do so.
The other major development today was that I spoke to my father about this. Now, that wasn't easy. I had to call someone though, because I was nagging her again and I knew how bad that is to do. So...I called the old man. One reason this is so awkward is that we're not super-close on an emotional level. I'm a child of divorce myself - one reason I do NOT want to end up that way, for the sake of The Boy - and that throws a weird patina over our conversations about marriage and stuff. He left my mother for "another woman" when I was 5. Once I hit adulthood, I began to realize, that he's a human like all others, he had to do what he had to do. It was bad for me, my brother, sister, and mother, but it wasn't the end of the universe. Maybe it was better even. Who knows? (There's an inherent point in there as towards my own situation, but I'm going to ignore it completely. It will NOT be for the better for MY marriage to end, never...may happen, but it won't be "better." No sir.) But anyway - so we've never really talked about those years, or the reasons for what happened between him and my mother, or his new wife (who is a wonderful, loving, lovely woman who has never been anything but open, kind, and generous to all his children) nor do I want to. So it had to be awkward for him too. But we had a nice talk. He grounded me in some things I needed grounding in.
His advice, combined with my knowing for sure just what's going on with her...has calmed me more than I would have thought possible just yesterday. Oh, I'm still abasket case, but my mind is spinning just a bit slower, just a bit less wobbly, and a bit lighter. I understand about her needing "space." I was terribly overcompensating for it all today, EL and The Boy and I were at the mall, buying underwear (yeah, for him to see her in...) and I was just nutty in my attempts to be casual about things. I think I know now how to "balance" the space she needs with my desire to show her I'm already making changes.
Because that was the thing. How could I give her "space" and leave her alone, when it would look like I was just being my old self and ignoring her? But...I think I get it now. And since I know just how bad things are, and what's going on with the other guy...well...she can have the space to think it over and decide what she's going to do. I'll take her at her word about how she'll give it a fair amount of time to see what happens, both with me and in her heart.
So...space. Not easy, still driving me crazy, but I see what will happen if I keep harping at her. My dad was VERY forceful about it. I needed that. I kept telling him, "Just keep saying that. To leave her alone. That it'll only drive her further away." He was happy to comply....
So. The next entry, finally, will be what's "wrong" with me. What issues I have that have driven her to this. I'll be writing it in the other room on my laptop while she's out here emailing or chatting or whatever with that guy. And I'll deal with it, somehow.
posted by Fensty at 6:52 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home