Day Eight: Sunday

So, I woke up at 7:30 again. Eyes open, brain engaged. Thinking about stuff, over and over. The thread has changed, now it's "is it over is it over is it over what can I do what can I do don't talk to her don't talk to her" instead of "what's she doing with that guy what's she doing with that guy" but otherwise, that's the only change.

Maybe, just maybe, it's settled down a little. I am thinking a little clearer, but unfortunately, that just makes me feel more despair, more bleakness, as it looks like it's already over.

I talked to my sister tonight. Only one family member to go, my brother. That'll be a weird one. I know some brothers I've met who are really close, which we aren't really. We've gotten better as adults, we talk about regular things often, and seem to connect. But never - and I mean never - have we talked about sex, love, marriage, etc. It's just something not done. Like I said I've known brothers who shared girlfriends, who laugh at sharing each other's sexual exploit stories, drunken party experiences, whatever. Not us.

But anyway, I was talking about my sister. She was great. Said some things that make sense - maybe deep down EL knows this guy's just a fling. Maybe that's all she wants. The sex, who cares...it'll hurt but it'll pass. Our relationship is so much more important to try to get back, and go onward. She had some nice ideas how to occupy my time and stop bothering EL about things as well. Of course, it's still bad, very very bad. My sister knows that and she didn't try to hide it.

I hate doing this to my family and friends, bugging them about it, but they all seem to understand. It's better than bugging EL.

Anyway, EL's out at the store, then going to breakfast with her mom...then we're going to the Halloween thing at Hershey Park for the day. I have to do a better job than I did shopping at the mall with her yesterday of just being there without being in her face.

I didn't talk about the mall shopping trip, did I? It was painful. VERY painful. All the clothes she was picking out, the UNDERWEAR she was picking out....I know who she wants to look good for, and it's not me.

OK, that's not completely fair and I know it. She wants to look good for work. And underwear - well, she wants to feel sexy, pretty, and happy with herself. I know t his. But...I also know that he'll be seeing more of it, possibly even more than I have recently...

But I was also way too clingy about the shopping. Trying too hard to be nice and sweet and stuff. So, I need to not do that today.

Well, anyway, I do want to start on what brought it to all this, finally. So...that's next.