Tuesday Dawns...
To think, one of the problems that contributed so much to the downfall of my marriage was my sleeping too much? I sure don't have that problem anymore.
She was up and gone again by 6:45. By now, I'm figuring they just have breakfast and dinner everyday together.
OK, now, I'm starting to think I might getting overly paranoid. I really don't want that. I keep telling myself to STOP OBSESSING over this guy. This guy is not my only problem right now.
I know this, I'm trying. But...here's the thing, readers - please understand:
She's not letting me in at all. Nothing. I've been good, as I've said here. 3 entire days without anything from me in the way of questions, nagging, asking when we can start being together again, asking IF we can be together again, nothing.
The sum total of the "talking about it" we've done now for 3 days was:
1 - me asking her not to make fun of me to her new friend. You know, nothing like, "Get a load of this - the pathetic fool, he made me SPAGHETTI for dinner. Wow, I'm so thrilled...I fell right back in love with him that second....ha ha ha ha." (Do I really think she'd do that? Actually....sorta....maybe. Possibly not that vicious, but I could see it, anyway. I love her and always have but she's got a little scornful streak in her, no doubt. So...I guess I worry that now it's turned on me, instead of making fun of the stupid things her co-workers say or do when she used to talk to me...)
2 - Last night, I just said that it would be great if by Thursday, she was ready to at least talk about some things at the session. Maybe make a few notes. That was it, it was a one-sentence conversation and really had nothing to do with her feelings or anything, was just saying - please be ready to at least talk about SOMETHING useful, no matter how small.
3 - And this morning, I did mention what I'm saying right now...I said,
"I'm trying really hard here. But you're shutting me out SO MUCH that you won't even say goodbye when you leave, or look me in the eye when I say you look nice when you leave or come home. It hurts." That's it. OK, I guess that's bad...but...it's not bad for 3 days.
I went into the bathroom while she was getting ready, and touched her on the neck and complimented her bra, touched it just around the top of the cups and she pushed me away saying, "Stop groping me." It wasn't. It was barely a "caress" either. It was just me saying, "This one looks nice, but you're right, you need some bigger ones." I'd have just made a simple compliment on her shirt or skirt if she'd been wearing one yet.
(Hmm... That sounds dirtier than it looks, trust me. It wasn't said all sexually. It was in as matter a fact and friendly a tone as I could give at 6:30am. Married people or co-habitators you understand...just talking about the cut of a bra doesn't really mean anything, sometimes. Or...shit....was that part of our problem, maybe? WTF do I know about how other married people live?)
Anyway...WTF has it come to that I have to be proud of not talking to my wife much in 3 days.
Maybe you're thinking "stupid, you're supposed to be talking to her, about regular stuff." That's what I'm trying to say. She's so cold and shut-off to me...that that just feels like empty exercise done just to talk. There's no more meeting of the minds going on, no chance at all for her to listen or see or feel that I'm changing already, that I'm doing my best, that I want to show her....y'know? Damn.
OK...part 2 of this morning's thoughts:
I'm reading back over a lot of this and it's whiny in tone, isn't it? It's a little too obsessed with her dating this guy even though I keep saying I don't care.
Please, readers (if there are any...is it hubris to think there are a few?) just remember - I'm writing it out so I don't talk it out. I'm only putting down the thoughts as they come in. Yes, I can't deny it, I think about her dating life a lot.
Wouldn't you? My wife of 4 years is dating another guy. Come on now, am I allowed a little bit of fixation, etc.?
(Aside - I know, the entries yesterday about how I found out his address and stuff, well, in retrospect that looks a little creepy. Please - remember - it's just the control nut in me. I have no - none, zip, nada - intent of doing anything more with that info than basically, knowing that I have it. It's funny, my friend Debbie pegged that about me INSTANTLY when we talked about it last week. I was telling her the whole story (I think that might've been Thursday night) and said how EL felt afraid of me, thought I might go crazy and follow her on her date or something, beat the guy up, whatever. I said to Deb, "You know me better, right? You don't think I'd do something like that, would you?" Her reply was dead-balls-on: "No, you wouldn't do that to confront anyone, you wouldn't even want to talk to them - but you'd want to know what you were up against. You'd want to see him, know what he looks like, know more about him." Damn, she was perceptive. But that's all it is. Nothing more. A control issue, a paranoia issue even maybe - but...nothing "creepy" about it. I do know better.)
Consider: This blog doesn't exist for me to talk about cars, computers, and child-raising after all, it's about the breakup of my marriage and my thoughts during it. This guy is a pretty big portion of those thoughts right now, much as I try to squeeze it away. One or the other, could've been worked through a lot easier. An affair in an otherwise decent marriage, well, we'd have worked it out. A marriage appearing to be very damaged, but with nobody else in the picture, we could have tried and maybe suceeded a little easier to fix it. But the double-header? I don't know...I just don't know.
So...well, that was bugging me. I guess it's pride - I don't want to look like a whiny loser, an obsessed nutcase, or anything like that.
I'm just a guy who's heart has been breaking, steadily, deeper, further...every day for about 10 days now. Yes, I DO actually think about other things every once in awhile now during the day. I might go half an hour now actually focused on a task or something. But why would I write about that?
I just feel so shut out. Like she's building a wall. Purposely, so she won't feel anything but what she wants to feel for him. Doesn't want to feel anything about me at all.
Or - maybe she just doesn't care at all anymore and even trying to fix anything is a sham. Maybe she's made up her mind completely, and every minute she spends with me she resents and it makes her tense and angry.
I hate to say it, but right now...my feelings are...it's that. Maybe that's what we'll talk about Thursday night at our session. I just don't know.
I'm going to call my counselor today, early before our appointment, and give him this blog address, so he can "catch up." Might save time.
Dennis, if you're reading this - do I get billed for the time you read it? :) Seems a fair deal, after all, if this isn't a window into my soul I dunno what is...
(Remember, I could care less about money right now....)
I've been dicking and dithering around for months about how I'm going to fix my 2000 Mustang 'vert GT. Missed the whole top-down driving season this summer. I broke the transmission last winter. I could just get it repaired at a transmission shop, I could take it to the dealer for a better job, I could take it to a speed shop and get something custom or built-up in there, I could buy a 6-speed Cobra tranny and get that mounted in there, I could buy some other aftermarket transmission and get that put in....but I've done nothing. Sorta like...brain-lock. Too many options, don't know what to do.
That occurred to me yesterday as I drove past the Ford dealer and saw all the Cobra's out there. I wasn't REALLY going to buy one anyway, though, because I am waiting for the 2005 GT's...or to see if they bring out a Cobra 'vert in the new body style in '06. But I thought, why is my $25000 car sitting in a garage undriven while I'm making payments on it? Even if it's cold - it's still not all snowy and rainy. I could get a few decent rides out of the 'stanger yet this year.
(For those unfamiliar with one of my former joys and prized "material" possessions: http://mustang2k.freeservers.com )
So...I think one of today's missions might be to finally make a few calls. I'm just gonna get the bare minimum fixed up in the beast right now. Repair the broken tranny and the hell with it. Don't see the point in getting anything expensive or modified in there right now, since I don't know how long I'll be keeping it. When I bought it, I thought it would definitely that I'd keep it forever. It was my first ever brand new car, after all. But...those 2005 body styles are just too damn good. So retro to the old mean Boss Mustangs with the big angry round headlights double-set in the grille and all that....
Hmm, look at that, I DID put something in the blog that wasn't about my breaking heart. Whaddya know.
I just want to drive my Mustang around. Control issues, probably. I love to drive.
I miss the feel of pushing that power around town...rumble of my modified exhaust...vibration of the engine at high RPM...shifting through the gears...top-down, wind blowing....why did I piss the summer away? Well - story of my life right there, isn't it? I was pissing a lot more away this summer than just my driving time, now that I see it. Hell, having it fixed and taking some rides with my wife and son might've saved my wife and son for me through winter. There's a depressing thought right there. Time to sign out for sure, now.
She's shutting me out so completely, so coldly...that I just don't know what to make of it. I can't shake the feeling she resents the time she has to spend with me now, because she's not with him. I'm getting the feeling once he goes home, he's got to sneak around his own wife so much he's not able to talk to EL. So messed up that I actually feel bad for her for that. I bet it makes it harder for her. But it also makes it harder for me. The longer it takes for her to work through this with this guy, the longer and harder my heartbreak is.
She was up and gone again by 6:45. By now, I'm figuring they just have breakfast and dinner everyday together.
OK, now, I'm starting to think I might getting overly paranoid. I really don't want that. I keep telling myself to STOP OBSESSING over this guy. This guy is not my only problem right now.
I know this, I'm trying. But...here's the thing, readers - please understand:
She's not letting me in at all. Nothing. I've been good, as I've said here. 3 entire days without anything from me in the way of questions, nagging, asking when we can start being together again, asking IF we can be together again, nothing.
The sum total of the "talking about it" we've done now for 3 days was:
1 - me asking her not to make fun of me to her new friend. You know, nothing like, "Get a load of this - the pathetic fool, he made me SPAGHETTI for dinner. Wow, I'm so thrilled...I fell right back in love with him that second....ha ha ha ha." (Do I really think she'd do that? Actually....sorta....maybe. Possibly not that vicious, but I could see it, anyway. I love her and always have but she's got a little scornful streak in her, no doubt. So...I guess I worry that now it's turned on me, instead of making fun of the stupid things her co-workers say or do when she used to talk to me...)
2 - Last night, I just said that it would be great if by Thursday, she was ready to at least talk about some things at the session. Maybe make a few notes. That was it, it was a one-sentence conversation and really had nothing to do with her feelings or anything, was just saying - please be ready to at least talk about SOMETHING useful, no matter how small.
3 - And this morning, I did mention what I'm saying right now...I said,
"I'm trying really hard here. But you're shutting me out SO MUCH that you won't even say goodbye when you leave, or look me in the eye when I say you look nice when you leave or come home. It hurts." That's it. OK, I guess that's bad...but...it's not bad for 3 days.
I went into the bathroom while she was getting ready, and touched her on the neck and complimented her bra, touched it just around the top of the cups and she pushed me away saying, "Stop groping me." It wasn't. It was barely a "caress" either. It was just me saying, "This one looks nice, but you're right, you need some bigger ones." I'd have just made a simple compliment on her shirt or skirt if she'd been wearing one yet.
(Hmm... That sounds dirtier than it looks, trust me. It wasn't said all sexually. It was in as matter a fact and friendly a tone as I could give at 6:30am. Married people or co-habitators you understand...just talking about the cut of a bra doesn't really mean anything, sometimes. Or...shit....was that part of our problem, maybe? WTF do I know about how other married people live?)
Anyway...WTF has it come to that I have to be proud of not talking to my wife much in 3 days.
Maybe you're thinking "stupid, you're supposed to be talking to her, about regular stuff." That's what I'm trying to say. She's so cold and shut-off to me...that that just feels like empty exercise done just to talk. There's no more meeting of the minds going on, no chance at all for her to listen or see or feel that I'm changing already, that I'm doing my best, that I want to show her....y'know? Damn.
OK...part 2 of this morning's thoughts:
I'm reading back over a lot of this and it's whiny in tone, isn't it? It's a little too obsessed with her dating this guy even though I keep saying I don't care.
Please, readers (if there are any...is it hubris to think there are a few?) just remember - I'm writing it out so I don't talk it out. I'm only putting down the thoughts as they come in. Yes, I can't deny it, I think about her dating life a lot.
Wouldn't you? My wife of 4 years is dating another guy. Come on now, am I allowed a little bit of fixation, etc.?
(Aside - I know, the entries yesterday about how I found out his address and stuff, well, in retrospect that looks a little creepy. Please - remember - it's just the control nut in me. I have no - none, zip, nada - intent of doing anything more with that info than basically, knowing that I have it. It's funny, my friend Debbie pegged that about me INSTANTLY when we talked about it last week. I was telling her the whole story (I think that might've been Thursday night) and said how EL felt afraid of me, thought I might go crazy and follow her on her date or something, beat the guy up, whatever. I said to Deb, "You know me better, right? You don't think I'd do something like that, would you?" Her reply was dead-balls-on: "No, you wouldn't do that to confront anyone, you wouldn't even want to talk to them - but you'd want to know what you were up against. You'd want to see him, know what he looks like, know more about him." Damn, she was perceptive. But that's all it is. Nothing more. A control issue, a paranoia issue even maybe - but...nothing "creepy" about it. I do know better.)
Consider: This blog doesn't exist for me to talk about cars, computers, and child-raising after all, it's about the breakup of my marriage and my thoughts during it. This guy is a pretty big portion of those thoughts right now, much as I try to squeeze it away. One or the other, could've been worked through a lot easier. An affair in an otherwise decent marriage, well, we'd have worked it out. A marriage appearing to be very damaged, but with nobody else in the picture, we could have tried and maybe suceeded a little easier to fix it. But the double-header? I don't know...I just don't know.
So...well, that was bugging me. I guess it's pride - I don't want to look like a whiny loser, an obsessed nutcase, or anything like that.
I'm just a guy who's heart has been breaking, steadily, deeper, further...every day for about 10 days now. Yes, I DO actually think about other things every once in awhile now during the day. I might go half an hour now actually focused on a task or something. But why would I write about that?
I just feel so shut out. Like she's building a wall. Purposely, so she won't feel anything but what she wants to feel for him. Doesn't want to feel anything about me at all.
Or - maybe she just doesn't care at all anymore and even trying to fix anything is a sham. Maybe she's made up her mind completely, and every minute she spends with me she resents and it makes her tense and angry.
I hate to say it, but right now...my feelings are...it's that. Maybe that's what we'll talk about Thursday night at our session. I just don't know.
I'm going to call my counselor today, early before our appointment, and give him this blog address, so he can "catch up." Might save time.
Dennis, if you're reading this - do I get billed for the time you read it? :) Seems a fair deal, after all, if this isn't a window into my soul I dunno what is...
(Remember, I could care less about money right now....)
I've been dicking and dithering around for months about how I'm going to fix my 2000 Mustang 'vert GT. Missed the whole top-down driving season this summer. I broke the transmission last winter. I could just get it repaired at a transmission shop, I could take it to the dealer for a better job, I could take it to a speed shop and get something custom or built-up in there, I could buy a 6-speed Cobra tranny and get that mounted in there, I could buy some other aftermarket transmission and get that put in....but I've done nothing. Sorta like...brain-lock. Too many options, don't know what to do.
That occurred to me yesterday as I drove past the Ford dealer and saw all the Cobra's out there. I wasn't REALLY going to buy one anyway, though, because I am waiting for the 2005 GT's...or to see if they bring out a Cobra 'vert in the new body style in '06. But I thought, why is my $25000 car sitting in a garage undriven while I'm making payments on it? Even if it's cold - it's still not all snowy and rainy. I could get a few decent rides out of the 'stanger yet this year.
(For those unfamiliar with one of my former joys and prized "material" possessions: http://mustang2k.freeservers.com )
So...I think one of today's missions might be to finally make a few calls. I'm just gonna get the bare minimum fixed up in the beast right now. Repair the broken tranny and the hell with it. Don't see the point in getting anything expensive or modified in there right now, since I don't know how long I'll be keeping it. When I bought it, I thought it would definitely that I'd keep it forever. It was my first ever brand new car, after all. But...those 2005 body styles are just too damn good. So retro to the old mean Boss Mustangs with the big angry round headlights double-set in the grille and all that....
Hmm, look at that, I DID put something in the blog that wasn't about my breaking heart. Whaddya know.
I just want to drive my Mustang around. Control issues, probably. I love to drive.
I miss the feel of pushing that power around town...rumble of my modified exhaust...vibration of the engine at high RPM...shifting through the gears...top-down, wind blowing....why did I piss the summer away? Well - story of my life right there, isn't it? I was pissing a lot more away this summer than just my driving time, now that I see it. Hell, having it fixed and taking some rides with my wife and son might've saved my wife and son for me through winter. There's a depressing thought right there. Time to sign out for sure, now.
She's shutting me out so completely, so coldly...that I just don't know what to make of it. I can't shake the feeling she resents the time she has to spend with me now, because she's not with him. I'm getting the feeling once he goes home, he's got to sneak around his own wife so much he's not able to talk to EL. So messed up that I actually feel bad for her for that. I bet it makes it harder for her. But it also makes it harder for me. The longer it takes for her to work through this with this guy, the longer and harder my heartbreak is.
posted by Fensty at 7:09 AM
2 Comments:
I do not know if you have done this yet or not as I've only read up to this point but it seems to me that the two of you really need to sit down and talk. Not talking about it is only making it worse in my opinion.
And I'm speaking as someone who is has been in a situation very much like your own. You guys need to really sit down, one on one, in private, and bear your souls to each other..if it's not too late. When I have been in these situations in the past, and believe me, there have been several times, we would go for several days or a week without speaking, all the while, the emotions or held-in feelings were eating us up inside. What would finally help is if one of us decided to take it upon themselves to "break the ice", a small attempt to lighten the mood, not a full blown joke out-of-the-blue perhaps but just some small comment about something or the other that seemed to lessen the tension. This would make the other person feel a little lighter and perhaps they would make a comment in return. Eventually, this would lead into "Hun, I just wanted to tell you I'm sorry for ___________" (whatever it was)Then the other person would share their feelings on it etc. It worked. Just trying to open the door to communication like that, not raising our voices or becoming defensive at what the other was saying, and trying to really listen to what they had to say helped a lot. I'm not an expert but speaking from experience, I think you guys really do need to do this if you haven't already. Maybe you could go out to dinner somewhere and lighten the mood with a few comments over a meal and if it looks promising, maybe suggest an outing of some kind afterwards such as a walk in the park, just somewhere where the two of you can talk privately and deeply without disturbance.
Hoping it all works out for you guys.
Hi.
I appreciate the comment, but as you read onwards you'll see - she won't let me talk about it. She says it's "pressure" and "confusing" and she needs her "space."
Hmm those quotes make it look "sarcastic" when I say things. :) I don't mean it that way, just, those are the terms she uses.
So....I am basically not allowed to talk to her about it. We have to just make small talk and stuff. I can get away with a few comments about how I'm sorry and how I'm trying to change and what I'm doing about that, but that's about it. Anything about our relationship, her affair, her feelings, etc...is totally off-limits and gets her angry and is basically what she does NOT want at this time - she wants space, time to be left alone, etc.
I don't think that's good either, in fact I KNOW it isn't, but what can I do? If I TRY, I'm pressuring her and driving her away. If I don't try, I know it's not really going to get better.
I'm trying to go a few days here without talking about "it" at all, then I'll try again to have a real discussion about things.
JD the BH
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