Wednesday Afternoon.

I'm thinking about it all again. Just can't stop. Kept busy a bit this afternoon and had stuff going on, but now I'm back to the same old thoughts.

It's killing me, because I want to tell her she's not being fair to me, The Boy, or herself.

But if I do, I will just look like the control freak trying to take something away from her that right now, she wants.

I know that. It doesn't make it any easier, though.

She will resent any comments I even make in that direction. One of the problems is what a control freak I am, how I try to own her, etc. I don't think it's as bad as she feels, but I definitely have that. I do NOT try to "own" her though. I mean, we talk about not running up debts and so I ask her not to charge things on credit cards, but that's just prudent, isn't it?

Otherwise I don't much care what she does or anything. That, of course, being part of the problem that got me here in the first place. But I bring it up here as an illustration of how I don't try to run her life or own her or whatever. I couldn't anyway, she's very smart and very independant and in fact, if anything, she helps me keep my life organized and running right. I could no more control her than the wind.

But she THINKS and FEELS that I try, which is the same thing, I guess.

It's just awful thinking about it all, though. I think she thinks she's really falling for this guy, I fear that she thinks it's more than a sex thing. I think she's going to think and do crazy things like say she loves him and wants to be with him and not me. But what about him?

Anyway...

I have made up my mind to talk to her tonight, so as not to "ambush" her at this couseling session tomorrow, and tell her that I know more than I let on.

I want this to be clear - the ONLY reason I'm not going to come clean 100% and tell her every single thing I know is that it might be too much for her, really drive her away, piss her off so much she refuses to go to counseling or whatever.

But I have to. I think they've been too busy or something to use the computer much here at home, or else she's suspicious of me that I am reading it already, or something, because she's not been at it at all (that I know of, and no, I haven't looked - but I'm not too tempted because I'm pretty sure there hasn't been any emailing - read on to see what I mean) but I want her to feel her "space" and comfort here. I have to teach her how to cover her tracks though, before she does start Emailing again, because I know I'll be tempted.

That may sound overly magnanimous, but it's not entirely - I have selfish reasons and a motive. I'd much rather her be here, chatting with the guy and Emailing, than out together with him.

I've been a good boy ever since...whatever, was that Saturday? I think. Since I read the proof, anyway. But part of the reason I've been a good boy is she hasn't used the computer.

She MIGHT be doing it late at night when I'm asleep...but...I'm so keyed up right now everytime she gets up I wake up. Almost everytime she moves. Every noise this computer makes goes into my brain. Actually one thing I'm gonna tell her is to shut the damn volume off. I don't like lying in bed at night and hearing all those "POW!" sounds when she gets new mail and stuff. I lie there wondering, is it just a SPAM mail or is it from him? I listen for key clicks. I haven't been hearing any..so it must be SPAM. But that's why I don't want to even have the ABILITY To find out anymore. If I heard a lot of clicking for hours...well....I don't know if I could control myself. Probably not, let's be honest.

So anyway...I'm on pins and needles a bit because I want to tell her I've read some things and know some things, without making her completely lose it and hate my ass forever just for that.

I hope I strike the right balance.