Wednesday. Midnight. Lying here...

We're lying here right now, in bed, together.

She's right there next to me...but feels so far away. I want to reach out, just touch her hair or her face, like I used to. Rub her back. Just that would make me feel so much better. Even two weeks ago, that wouldn't have been an issue. I mean, in retrospect I know now it wouldn't have meant much to her, due to how she felt about me - but she wouldn't have resented it. She wouldn't have pushed my hand away, as she does now.

But I can't even do that. She's so far away. Pleasant to my face, on the surface...but what's going on underneath...I don't know. So distant.

I feel like....my own wife, who I've been with for 9 years....is just some unknowable, unattainable, ideal girl I had a "crush" on in junior high school. Longing for some contact, something, anything at all with the cheerleader* or whatever...you know? But when you actually stood in the lunch line behind them, you couldn't do much more than maybe say "Hi" and then look stupid.

Sitting right next me....but a million miles away.

This is really, really awful.


*'Cheerleader' being a metaphor, people. They weren't my type. But nice to look at, I guess, when you were in Jr. High...


(If you are wondering - yeah, I typed this on my PDA and uploaded it to the blog from the bedroom. Bizarre? Maybe. Not like anything else is happening in here. And no, I never did that "before." Many are the problems in our marriage, but blogging in the bed next to my wife wasn't one of them...)