Today's Plans - And An Unexpected Short Argument
So we're going to this family wedding today, a cousin of hers. The Boy is the ringbearer. I hope he does well! He really looks great in his tux...
She has promised me we'll be a "family" today. That we can make it sort of a date, etc. I don't know, I bet she won't be able to.
I assume when I want to dance, she'll be too tired.
I assume when I want to go out to dinner afterwards and have her mom take The Boy, like she's already agreed to - there will be some reason we don't.
I assume this will be a miserable failure because she'd rather be with someone else, and like I keep saying - WON'T EVEN TRY TO LET ME be that to her.
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Wow - we just had a mini-argument. Great way to start out this day, I don't think it's going to work now. It was small, just a few words, but basically I asked again, "So we'll have fun and you'll try to let me be him today?" and she got all angry again. I asked why she was angry - she said because I won't let that go. I said I hadn't asked her in quite that way earlier (a result of me thinking it out in this blog was to phrase it that way - let me "in" enough to day to let me try to do what he does for her) and just wanted to make sure. She then said she was going to the Outlet malls tomorrow with her mom. I asked if she was taking The Boy, she said yes. I asked when she'd be home, she said she didn't know.
I said, "OK, well, you're really going there all day, you're not going to take my boy and meet that guy somewhere later, right?" She got all indignant again, walked off.
I said, "Listen - how can I ever get any better at this unless you tell me why you're angry?!?"
She said, "Why? I never lied to you. I'm the one who was lied to."
I couldn't let it go. Today, with all the promises made that it would be a good day, how could I let that go...
So I said, "Listen - I don't want to do this now but let me just say this - I'm the one who was lied to. Yes, I violated your privacy and that's as bad as lying. But you're the one who looked me in the eye, told me she would never do anything because she was still married, said she was going with friends then admitted it was him, swore she was going to a public place for dinner and chat and was parked in a car all night getting physical, and then afterwards you lied to me again about it all. So stop, just stop."
She took it in.
I said, "You understand now how I feel? I was lied to more than you. I also have a trust problem now."
She said yes, and went to give The Boy a bath. I did my best to go to help without being in her space. I hope this works today, but now, I don't know. Then again, some things were finally said I had to say.
She has promised me we'll be a "family" today. That we can make it sort of a date, etc. I don't know, I bet she won't be able to.
I assume when I want to dance, she'll be too tired.
I assume when I want to go out to dinner afterwards and have her mom take The Boy, like she's already agreed to - there will be some reason we don't.
I assume this will be a miserable failure because she'd rather be with someone else, and like I keep saying - WON'T EVEN TRY TO LET ME be that to her.
----------
Wow - we just had a mini-argument. Great way to start out this day, I don't think it's going to work now. It was small, just a few words, but basically I asked again, "So we'll have fun and you'll try to let me be him today?" and she got all angry again. I asked why she was angry - she said because I won't let that go. I said I hadn't asked her in quite that way earlier (a result of me thinking it out in this blog was to phrase it that way - let me "in" enough to day to let me try to do what he does for her) and just wanted to make sure. She then said she was going to the Outlet malls tomorrow with her mom. I asked if she was taking The Boy, she said yes. I asked when she'd be home, she said she didn't know.
I said, "OK, well, you're really going there all day, you're not going to take my boy and meet that guy somewhere later, right?" She got all indignant again, walked off.
I said, "Listen - how can I ever get any better at this unless you tell me why you're angry?!?"
She said, "Why? I never lied to you. I'm the one who was lied to."
I couldn't let it go. Today, with all the promises made that it would be a good day, how could I let that go...
So I said, "Listen - I don't want to do this now but let me just say this - I'm the one who was lied to. Yes, I violated your privacy and that's as bad as lying. But you're the one who looked me in the eye, told me she would never do anything because she was still married, said she was going with friends then admitted it was him, swore she was going to a public place for dinner and chat and was parked in a car all night getting physical, and then afterwards you lied to me again about it all. So stop, just stop."
She took it in.
I said, "You understand now how I feel? I was lied to more than you. I also have a trust problem now."
She said yes, and went to give The Boy a bath. I did my best to go to help without being in her space. I hope this works today, but now, I don't know. Then again, some things were finally said I had to say.
posted by Fensty at 9:25 AM
2 Comments:
OMG, I just spent a a hour or so reading the whole story. I actually have tears rolling down my cheeks. Your story, your marriage sounds so hurtful. Your wife is angry with you because she is feeling guilty. Guilty because she feels shes doing the wrong thing. However, this guy serves a purpose of "transference", she is projecting her needs and wants onto him, and because the relationship is new, he is meeting them...
I could go on....I KNOW WHAT UR WIFE IS GOING THROUGH...
My therapist has been counsilling me on my actions. I am not proud of them, but they seem almost animalistic, driven, innate. The affair is ESCAPISM-PURE AND SIMPLE. well mine is anyway....
I now see it from the other side. I am going to be nice to my husband tonight....thanx and good luck.
Thanks...I am sorry if it upset you, but, you've also validated some of the things that I've been thinking.
I wish you'd Email me...I'd love to talk to you a bit, I'd not pry or dig, but you say you see it from the other side...you've been there I take it...I'd like to be able to explore that a little?
thebadhusband@yahoo.com is very anonymous, it's not my "real" ID there, but if you'd Email me I'd appreciate it. Or at least, keep coming back here and commenting from time to time?
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