Post-Conversation Wednesday. Not good.

Well...I told her what I knew and how I knew it. I showed her how to clear her cache and how to clear her website history.

She did not take it well, as I expected. Didn't say much, very hurt and angry.

If she felt betrayed, trust destroyed, things like that...well...it's mutual. More damage to our relationship but it's not all my fault this time. She could have been telling me the truth from Day One and this wouldn't have had to happen in that way.

I think she's also hurt and angry that what she thought was a secret for just her to know, isn't. She still has as many secrets as she wants to have from me, though. It wasn't fair for me to have this one on her.

Of course, I am wondering now if I did the wrong thing. But if the lies had gotten more and more built-up, sooner or later I'd have had to tell her anyway, it would have just eaten me up to that point where I would have had to just say, "ENOUGH!" and then her knowing I'd known as long as I did, it would have had to be even worse.

With all the things going on, once the initial anger of this passes, it's hard to see how it can make anything worse. Yes, I betrayed her trust a bit - but come on, in the scheme of things, in comparision? She's betrayed mine far worse.

I can't shake the feeling, though, that some of her feelings are a sort of petulant anger...that I ruined her secret, tht was giving her some kind of thrill to have. Well, she can still have them.

That was the point of me showing her what I showed her - how to protect herself. She can make new secrets...whatever. She's going to do whatever she wants. But yeah - I think that's part of it. She is pissed that it's out there so soon.

I guess that's the control freak in me.....one could say that I just "regained" control or "won" control in this by "trumping" her like that. None of that went through my mind until now. I don't think that was my point, but who knows what the counselor will make of it.

She'll talk about it there. She did say that much, in fact, that was the main thing she said. "We're not going to talk about this now. This is....no....no, we'll talk about it there, not here." OK...well....at least we have plenty to talk about, then.

When I asked her if she remembered the steps (clear cache, clear website history) she said "I don't care, I'm not going to do it." I don't know if that means she doesn't want to use the computer anymore, which I'd regret because it would mean she lost that freedom, space, and enjoyment....or if she means to "rub my nose in it" as if, hey, if you read it again you'd deserve what you got. I said, that's OK, I guess that's like an alchoholic who keeps a bottle in the cabinet - to see if they can control that temptation.

I can. I really meant it what I said to her and what I've written here - I don't need or WANT to know anything more that's going on. I know what I know, and I feel better for it.


I may have made a bad choice to tell her but in the long run, I think it was all I could do. Head games would make an awful, tragic situation worse, I think,

But....this might've been the nail in the coffin, too. Maybe pushed her over the edge and she won't come back at all. I just don't know.