Monday. Sucks. But, you knew that right?

Not a lot to talk about today, really. I took another week off of work. Things are settling down to the point I can function on a day to day basis now, but I don't see the point in going back until I'm able to commit 100% to my team, and I'm not really all the way there yet.

Plus I've got the time, my boss is just amazingly wonderful about it, and I'm still accomplishing things here. By next week the meds might have kicked in a little too which may help even more.

Tonight, she announced she's using tomorrow as her "night to go out." What can I do?

I actually asked her the question that's been on my mind, though - does she respect what I'm doing, in my pathetic unmanliness of just allowing all this to go on? Does she understand I'm doing it out of love and not apathy? She says she does. OK then.

Legally, I started to wonder - is my awareness of this affair going to be construed as "consent" to it, should we get divorced? Can I not use it as a cause? I have to talk to a divorce laywer, I guess, at least for some sort of initial consultation. I am still REFUSING to believe it will get that far, but I'm just angry enough now that IF it does, I want to be prepared. I do not want her trying to claim any of this is my fault. I will not be consenting to any "no fault" divorce crap. If it happens, I'll be using her affair for all it's worth. She will not get any alimony if I can help it, nor get anything more than the absolute "fair share" of what she's put into this marriage. I am pretty sure my stock options from my company are safely mine...I'll need those to restart a new life if it comes to that. There goes that Cobra Convertible I had my eye on in 2006.

I don't even want her to have custody of our child, but the reality there I know is stacked very highly against me - my mother has passed away, my father lives in Florida (we're in Pennsylvania, remember...) and her parents already watch him for a good 5-6 hours a day at least...so, I don't think I'd win custody. But I'll fight like hell and I'll bring up the affair, the proof I've got copies of, etc. I even have a copy of her saying to her boyfriend, "Oh, he's never violent, don't worry."

I don't know why I'm talking like that, it's the anger really. I don't want it to get anywhere near that point, but I'm in such despair lately that I think it will. I keep forcing myself to believe this has just started, it has weeks and months to go before anything really will happen...but it's hard.

It's really hard to maintain a positive outlook and all that when your wife blatantly informs you she's going on a date tomorrow night, but will probably be home "oh, around 9." I guess they plan to move a little faster on things than last time when it took all night to get where it got. No need for the flirting and testing the waters, full speed ahead, y'know?

We were watching a movie upstairs for awhile on the couch - opposite sides, but finally she lay down and put her legs over my lap the way we used to, but it was painful, so painful. I felt like a kid on a first date again...was I allowed to touch her? Where could I put my hand? How much was too much?

Pathetic. The answer, by the way, appeared to be I could put one hand across her legs in a friendly way but when I told her how much I loved her still and how nice the moment was...she gave me the eye-roll and "ok, that's enough" comment.

Great. Struck out before first base with my own wife. Hello, 8th grade? JD calling! I'm baaaaa-aaaaaaack!!

Actually, it's sicker than that. I wouldn't have been making a play for anything, anyway...she's told me it's "too confusing" to even attempt that. A warm, cozy moment on the couch together was all I wanted to accomplish and apparently even that was too "confusing."

Anyway, today I actually got the front lawn raked up (trees are not co-operating this fall, we've got two in the front yard, and the one has yet to drop a SINGLE leaf. The other has dropped about 2/3rds and the last 3rd will come down this week. So right about the time I get all THOSE raked up again, the other tree will start to drop) and the leaves bagged up in those big 'ol Jack-o-Lantern bags on the walkway. The Boy had his first "jumping in leaf piles" experiences, and I wish I'd thought to take a picture or two. Well, as just said, there'll be a few more leaf piles yet this fall. So that counted as some exercise for the day.

Now here's the really funny part - I said t'other day how I realized the sub-1000 calorie diet was dangerously low and I need to up that a bit. Well, I'm finding it hard. I've gotten TOO good at ignoring the hunger and my stomach must definitely have "shrunk" a bit as now I don't even want to eat more than small portions of salad and so forth. I no longer have much desire to "graze" on food and when I do I can fight it easily. And there's a ton of Halloween candy all over the place that actually is NOT drawing me in. Weird, eh? But I did have a headache most of the day which was probably my body warning me that enough's enough and it's time to eat a little more. I guess I can creep in a slightly bigger breakfast (maybe actually have a small bowl of cereal or something) to provide a good base for the day. Lately it's just been a tiny bit of fruit and maybe a slice of wheat toast or breakfast bar for some "grains."

I cooked up a nice veggie and chicken stir fry for dinner, that might've been all of 500 calories or so, but when I look at my "food log" for the day, the rest of the day only adds up to another 400 or so. Damn. So apparently I need to actually eat a little more. I'm doing well on the well-balanced stuff, I'm careful to get fresh fruit for sugars (ever since I almost passed out last week from what I think was a seriously low-sugar problem. I felt very lightheaded but it went away as soon as I drank a regular sugared Coke), veggies, meat or soy for protein, a slice of wheat toast and a breakfast bar for grains, etc. Why yes, I AM living in 8th grade in more ways than one, I'm reciting the Four Food Groups! Though I notice nowadays it's gone from the "four groups" to the "food pyramid." Whoopededoo!

Hmm, "dairy" is missing from that list, isn't it? I guess a bowl of cereal in the morning IS a good idea. Or maybe I can treat myself to a toasted cheese (fake toasted, not fried in butter - I've got this thing where toast bread in the toaster, put some cheese in, then microwave it to melt the cheese. I thought this was normal and everyone does it, but anyone I've ever told looks at me like I'm an alien or something. What?? How is this different than YOUR definition of "toasted cheese."??) for lunch...woohoo.

She appeared to appreciate the dinner, which was nice. I don't cook much well but I can handle a stir fry, at least.

And I think that pretty much covers the day.

Didn't get as much done as I wanted, but got some shit handled. Same thing tomorrow, going to finish cleaning up the downstairs area once and for all. We've had this family room down here but once The Boy started crawling, rather than childproof it all up we just kept him upstairs and put the stair-gates up. Consequently, it got very disgustingly messy down here, stuff piled everywhere, boxes of crap, etc. The Boy is 2 years old and hasn't ever been downstairs in his own house, that seems so weird. So by the end of the week, this will be a new primary play area for him...

Anyway, I'm just writing for the sake of writing now. Not much else to say but I don't want to stop - I'm bored, lonely, depressed, and it's too late to call anyone, so you blogites get stuck reading my rambles. Sorry.

Thanks to all of you who've been commenting and Emailing lately. I can't describe how much that's helped, and what it mean to me.