Thursday. I'm up on the wrong side of 7am again...
One thing that hasn't changed a whit since all this started - the second my eyes open in the morning, I'm awake and thinking about it all.
I hate that. Not only am I not usually an early riser, but it's still impossible to focus. I want to go back to sleep, but I can't stop thinking about things.
How am I going to go back to work like this. I know, I know, "Get a grip, you're a professional, act like it." But right now, I'm just this guy who's marriage is destroyed, who's wife is leaving him, who's desperate to do anything to save his family but isn't ABLE to do anything but be a spectator.
It's not easy. I don't know how I'm going to manage. I had thought the meds might help but it's only a week now since I started and so I won't be even noticing anything for another two weeks.
Not that I want them to be a crutch, or a bandaid, or turn me into a zombie shell of a person unable to think or feel. But they're not supposed to do that, I was promised. Just to get rid of some of the anxiety, depression and help me concentrate on what I want to concentrate on, instead of thinking about the same things endlessly...that's what I was promised. We'll see.
There isn't even anything to blog, because, nothing is going on. Three days now and I'm giving her what she wants - not talking about anything that's going on.
I know I said I should contact a divorce lawyer, just for a consult...but I can't seem to get motivated to do that. I know I need to though.
On a purely financial note, I'm hearing that a contested divorce can cost each person upwards of $15-20 thousand dollars. This is not something I need to hear. Though I wonder if that's not an encouragement right there for her to try fixing things. That's a "controlling" statement I suppose, but it's also something that is NOT anything I can control, so if it makes her have to take a second look at things because she can't afford it, so be it. She doesn't have that kind of money, I barely do and only if I cashed out a significant portion of my remaining stock options.
See that's one of the things I need to talk to a lawyer about. What will this cost? Are my stock options mine alone since I had them before the marriage and they were a job benefit? What about the fact that I cashed in about $25000 worth for the downpayment on the house, and the repainting/recarpeting of said house? What about that she brought about $20000 of debt into the marriage and I only brought capital? These things prey on my mind and are why I won't do an uncontested divorce. Besides - SHE'S having the affair, not me.
Obviously the enforced lack of communication is making me think the worst now.
But at the same time, I'm not sure what to make of the signs - she's now coming home at her usual time (albiet still leaving 1 1/2 hours early) and seems to be completely avoiding the computer. I'm not "spying" on her anymore but I'm talking outright NOT using it at all. And I'm really not sure what the heck she did Tuesday night when she was out.
Then again she is still cold to me around the house, so it's not like anything major is happening, but I do wonder if she's at least making an effort to "be here when she's here" or something.
I probably shouldn't be trying to figure any of that out, just let it be. But what else do I think about when it's 7 AM and my mind is racing...
I hate that. Not only am I not usually an early riser, but it's still impossible to focus. I want to go back to sleep, but I can't stop thinking about things.
How am I going to go back to work like this. I know, I know, "Get a grip, you're a professional, act like it." But right now, I'm just this guy who's marriage is destroyed, who's wife is leaving him, who's desperate to do anything to save his family but isn't ABLE to do anything but be a spectator.
It's not easy. I don't know how I'm going to manage. I had thought the meds might help but it's only a week now since I started and so I won't be even noticing anything for another two weeks.
Not that I want them to be a crutch, or a bandaid, or turn me into a zombie shell of a person unable to think or feel. But they're not supposed to do that, I was promised. Just to get rid of some of the anxiety, depression and help me concentrate on what I want to concentrate on, instead of thinking about the same things endlessly...that's what I was promised. We'll see.
There isn't even anything to blog, because, nothing is going on. Three days now and I'm giving her what she wants - not talking about anything that's going on.
I know I said I should contact a divorce lawyer, just for a consult...but I can't seem to get motivated to do that. I know I need to though.
On a purely financial note, I'm hearing that a contested divorce can cost each person upwards of $15-20 thousand dollars. This is not something I need to hear. Though I wonder if that's not an encouragement right there for her to try fixing things. That's a "controlling" statement I suppose, but it's also something that is NOT anything I can control, so if it makes her have to take a second look at things because she can't afford it, so be it. She doesn't have that kind of money, I barely do and only if I cashed out a significant portion of my remaining stock options.
See that's one of the things I need to talk to a lawyer about. What will this cost? Are my stock options mine alone since I had them before the marriage and they were a job benefit? What about the fact that I cashed in about $25000 worth for the downpayment on the house, and the repainting/recarpeting of said house? What about that she brought about $20000 of debt into the marriage and I only brought capital? These things prey on my mind and are why I won't do an uncontested divorce. Besides - SHE'S having the affair, not me.
Obviously the enforced lack of communication is making me think the worst now.
But at the same time, I'm not sure what to make of the signs - she's now coming home at her usual time (albiet still leaving 1 1/2 hours early) and seems to be completely avoiding the computer. I'm not "spying" on her anymore but I'm talking outright NOT using it at all. And I'm really not sure what the heck she did Tuesday night when she was out.
Then again she is still cold to me around the house, so it's not like anything major is happening, but I do wonder if she's at least making an effort to "be here when she's here" or something.
I probably shouldn't be trying to figure any of that out, just let it be. But what else do I think about when it's 7 AM and my mind is racing...
posted by Fensty at 7:05 AM
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