Friday morning, down again.
(font change. That default one was getting on my nerves)
Goddamn it. She does it on purpose, doesn't she?
Sitting right in the hall closet, where The Boy's jacket and shoes are, is the underwear bag from yesterday.
She's definitely doing it on purpose. A challenge, like, "Do you really want to look in here and see what I DIDN'T show you yesterday, JD?"
But come on...who can walk away from that? It's self torture, I know, but I can't help it. I'm sickly fascinated by the lies at this point. So I look. Whoa. It's worse than I thought. First of all, she lied, she didn't just go to the mall, she want to a slutty lingerie store in a little strip mall near here as well. I know this because she made sure to get the catalog. Y'know like a Frederick's of Hollywood knock-off store. She's got stuff in there she wouldn't ever even wear for me (and herself) back when we WERE younger and crazy in love.
That sent me right back down into the black pit of despair. I'd actually crawled partly back out of it this week, but nope...I'm right back in there now.
Was I really foolish enough to think maybe she was already getting it under control...nope. Obviously there's some kind of big hotel show-and-play session planned soon or something.
I'm sorry to my friends and family who have to read this and think of EL this way. I implore you again - please remember, it's not really her fault.
She hated me, she didn't think anyone loved her, she felt unsexy and plain....and this fucker came along and started being the emotional husband that I wasn't. What would happen to any of YOU in that circumstance? If you'd put up with my shit for 2 years?
Yeah, I thought that's what you'd say. So try to just see her like I do....angry, frustrated, alone, wanting to escape, suddenly being treated like the princess I used to treat her as.....
It doesn't make it any easier for me, in fact it's killing me...but...just don't hate her, OK? I don't.
If I did this would all be so much easier.
Anyway...one bright spot, I bought a bathroom scale. Whoa. There is a BIG difference already. I know the first 20 lbs or so are the really easy ones ("water weight" as people say, and stuff) but wow, I was actually pleasantly happy when I stepped on there. I'm down at least 15lbs already from where I started just 3 weeks ago.
I don't have unrealistic hopes, I know it's going to taper off to 1 or 2lbs a week pretty soon...but I needed that little burst of positive energy this morning.
It was like a drop of water in a forest fire of dread and anxiety, didn't last more than a few seconds, but it felt good while it lasted. And gave me the resolve to keep it up. I still have 75lbs to go. 9 months. I can do this. One way or another I'll be a new man in 9 months, I just hope it's with my wife and son still together.
I keep wondering how long this can go on like this. How long is she going to "explore these emotions." Will she be content to just leave it like this forever? I mean, he's not going to leave his wife, I'm pretty sure. Will she just have a loveless marriage at home and a boyfriend at work and for trysts for months and months? How healthy can that possibly be....obviously it can't. I will someday hit my limit. I'll someday get to the point where I can't go on like that and I will have to start a divorce I guess.
I keep trying to be patient. It's only been 3 weeks. It will go at least another 3 or 4 I'm certain before she's ready to talk about it and may either come to her senses, or continue to delude herself and say she wants a divorce. I wonder when SHE will think about seeing a lawyer, when she will sit down and really consider what it all means: 5-digit lawyer fees....dividing property...selling the house....fighting for custody....her affair coming out in public for all her friends and family...acrimony and bitterness over child support and spouse support...mental strain, pain, and anguish of going thru it all....the toll on The Boy....
I can't help but think when she really starts to consider all that, she'll realize what a mess this is and step back and decide the easier way out is to try to get back to where we used to be. How can you fall in love with someone, live together for years, get married, buy a house, have a child...then fall out of love and not want to even TRY to get it back, to TRY to let those feelings mature again....I can't see it.
But....maybe I'm just blind. Some of you are trying to tell me that - that she's clearly made up her mind already and is just waiting me out, waiting for me to give up and go away. I just keep telling myself you're all wrong, you're not giving it enough time.
But I worry anyway that you're all right.
Goddamn it. She does it on purpose, doesn't she?
Sitting right in the hall closet, where The Boy's jacket and shoes are, is the underwear bag from yesterday.
She's definitely doing it on purpose. A challenge, like, "Do you really want to look in here and see what I DIDN'T show you yesterday, JD?"
But come on...who can walk away from that? It's self torture, I know, but I can't help it. I'm sickly fascinated by the lies at this point. So I look. Whoa. It's worse than I thought. First of all, she lied, she didn't just go to the mall, she want to a slutty lingerie store in a little strip mall near here as well. I know this because she made sure to get the catalog. Y'know like a Frederick's of Hollywood knock-off store. She's got stuff in there she wouldn't ever even wear for me (and herself) back when we WERE younger and crazy in love.
That sent me right back down into the black pit of despair. I'd actually crawled partly back out of it this week, but nope...I'm right back in there now.
Was I really foolish enough to think maybe she was already getting it under control...nope. Obviously there's some kind of big hotel show-and-play session planned soon or something.
I'm sorry to my friends and family who have to read this and think of EL this way. I implore you again - please remember, it's not really her fault.
She hated me, she didn't think anyone loved her, she felt unsexy and plain....and this fucker came along and started being the emotional husband that I wasn't. What would happen to any of YOU in that circumstance? If you'd put up with my shit for 2 years?
Yeah, I thought that's what you'd say. So try to just see her like I do....angry, frustrated, alone, wanting to escape, suddenly being treated like the princess I used to treat her as.....
It doesn't make it any easier for me, in fact it's killing me...but...just don't hate her, OK? I don't.
If I did this would all be so much easier.
Anyway...one bright spot, I bought a bathroom scale. Whoa. There is a BIG difference already. I know the first 20 lbs or so are the really easy ones ("water weight" as people say, and stuff) but wow, I was actually pleasantly happy when I stepped on there. I'm down at least 15lbs already from where I started just 3 weeks ago.
I don't have unrealistic hopes, I know it's going to taper off to 1 or 2lbs a week pretty soon...but I needed that little burst of positive energy this morning.
It was like a drop of water in a forest fire of dread and anxiety, didn't last more than a few seconds, but it felt good while it lasted. And gave me the resolve to keep it up. I still have 75lbs to go. 9 months. I can do this. One way or another I'll be a new man in 9 months, I just hope it's with my wife and son still together.
I keep wondering how long this can go on like this. How long is she going to "explore these emotions." Will she be content to just leave it like this forever? I mean, he's not going to leave his wife, I'm pretty sure. Will she just have a loveless marriage at home and a boyfriend at work and for trysts for months and months? How healthy can that possibly be....obviously it can't. I will someday hit my limit. I'll someday get to the point where I can't go on like that and I will have to start a divorce I guess.
I keep trying to be patient. It's only been 3 weeks. It will go at least another 3 or 4 I'm certain before she's ready to talk about it and may either come to her senses, or continue to delude herself and say she wants a divorce. I wonder when SHE will think about seeing a lawyer, when she will sit down and really consider what it all means: 5-digit lawyer fees....dividing property...selling the house....fighting for custody....her affair coming out in public for all her friends and family...acrimony and bitterness over child support and spouse support...mental strain, pain, and anguish of going thru it all....the toll on The Boy....
I can't help but think when she really starts to consider all that, she'll realize what a mess this is and step back and decide the easier way out is to try to get back to where we used to be. How can you fall in love with someone, live together for years, get married, buy a house, have a child...then fall out of love and not want to even TRY to get it back, to TRY to let those feelings mature again....I can't see it.
But....maybe I'm just blind. Some of you are trying to tell me that - that she's clearly made up her mind already and is just waiting me out, waiting for me to give up and go away. I just keep telling myself you're all wrong, you're not giving it enough time.
But I worry anyway that you're all right.
posted by Fensty at 10:26 AM
9 Comments:
Whoa, Dude, Murphy, get ahold of yourself, buddy! Anger issues anyone?
Anyway, JD, I completely disagree with Murphy. OK, so you screwed up. You didn't treat your wife the way you should have. You know that. But, you did not cheat on her.
Just as Murphy says you are responsible for controlling your own urges (to look at e-mail, in shopping bags, etc.), she is responsible for controlling hers (physical urges). You may not have been attentive to her needs and this guy might be, but that does not make it "right" for her to sleep with him. Be friends with him, ok, that's alright. But, to sleep with him is flat-out wrong and no rationalizing in the world will make it otherwise.
But let me be very clear about one thing: do not delude yourself about the lingerie. It is not for you. She is having sex with this man. I suggest you see a lawyer right away, today if possible. Grab ahold of those cahounas and salvage what is left of your self-respect and dignity by taking a stand and telling your wife, with your actions, "no, this is not right. I will not let this happen to me." I know you don't want to be controlling and say "you can't do that" but you have to be in control of your own life. By allowing her to rub this in your face, you are accepting it.
And I know what you're going to think when you see who this is, but I hope you'll understand that I know of what I speak. She doesn't see what she could lose and she won't until you show it to her. She's leaving things around for you to see so you might need to do the same. Maybe you need to leave the phone book open to the attorney listings or make a check list like "sell home, custody, child support, counseling records, proof, etc." Give her a taste of her own "oops, didn't mean for you to see that" medicine. Maybe that will make her open up and talk to you or leave.
Dude, it is so obvious that you're a man. A woman would have sooo called the other guy's wife (you know what I mean, the other woman's husband). I would have gotten snooty by now and done things like ruined all of his underwear (I recommend scissors to the straps) and left ugly messages on her voice mail. Women are more vindictive than men, I guess. I would probably even consider a note to the boss, anonymously of course. That sounded immature, and it probably is, but that's how I would feel. And I know because I've been in your shoes, kinda. He did cheat on me and I did make it ugly.
OK, back to work. It's just that your passiveness is driving me nuts. I'm so angry at your wife and I don't even know y'all! LOL
Dana
Yes women are vindictive (wicked grin from this one) Just wanted to say that Dana had some good ideas here and is so right on!
OK, Murphy. I'll agree that it's frustrating to watch him fuss about it online but not to the one person who can change it. Totally frustrating but addictive. (That's why I keep reading!)
Sorry about the anger-management comment, man. I just feel a bit protective of JD. Someone else is shitting on him big time and I can't let you do it, too.
Peace?
Dana
Whoa, whoa..."peace" indeed.
Murphy - I don't take offense. Your comments are valid. You missed a paragraph here or there in my blog though, for which I don't blame you as it's long and repetetive and, yes, whining. :)
Fact is - I am doing EXACTLY what you've said. OK? I tend to blog about what's on my mind, what's hurting me at the moment, what I'm seeing in her, etc.
But - since this began, I've begun doing just about everything you mention:
I tell her when she looks great in these new clothes (even though they are for him.)
I ask her about work, and I LISTEN to the answers, and I comment on them later, I sympathize with the bullshit she puts up with, etc.
I have been running loads of laundry, cleaning up the house, doing the dishes constantly, making dinner, etc. since this began, and I'm home from work anyway.
I've been fixing up lots of little things around the house that need it.
I've made sure to at least once a day, carefully, say something nice about her, why I love her, etc.
I take my son places during the day, go out to play with him, pick his clothes and get him dressed. I don't want to "spoil" my child but I've even made sure to pick up a little toy (matchbox car, something like that) when I go out shopping for him and give it to him after dinner when he's cleaned his plate and sat still for a hand-washing.
I plan fun family events for our weekends.
This has been going on, sure, only 2 1/2 weeks. But I'm already doing those things and keeping at them. That's only a semi-list, trust me, I'm doing and saying a lot of little things here and there to try and show her I've already changed, and hope that she decides to stick around and see if it's permanent. (it is - but it'll take a long time for her to feel that)
On the other hand, if you've been reading, you know she will NOT LET ME do anything else such as snuggling, holding her, having deep conversations about how much I love her and why I'll wait around through this, talk about my problems, talk about my failures, etc. She will not ALLOW that at the moment. It's pressuring her, it's not giving her space.
OK? I blog what I blog because it's the things I CAN'T talk about with my wife. Sure, my blog is whining and depressing about the things I see and do that make me feel like my life is pretty much a wasted effort now. But trust me - I'm doing what you're saying. I just don't write it all down the way I just did. Fair 'nuff?
As for the blog - I have friends and relatives reading this blog who have never read one in their life, my friend. Believe it or not, that's possible. Think about it, you've got some people in your life who can't program a VCR clock, right? You think they could read a blog without at least a slight introduction?
THAT comment was the only one I even remotely took offense at. Sheesh bro take a chill, you run your blog your way, I'll run mine my way.
Dana: I was glad to see a post from you, you never Emailed me back, I've been wondering.
I did make an appointment for an attorney next week, but it really is just to find out what I need to do in a "worst-case" scenario.
As for my wife fucking this guy - I already knew she was, remember? I've seen the emails. It just hurts like hell to keep seeing all the obvious reminders.
I don't WANT to play the battle-mindgames just yet. I still think there is a chance but she sees everything as "pressure" and it just drives her away.
Remember, one of my big "issues" was being too "controlling" and "manipulating." I don't think it's really as bad as she thinks, but I sure do admit that I do that. So me trying to "force" her to wake up and see what she's risking, will backfire right now. She'll see any comments I make about child custody, divorce lawyers, etc. as me trying to "manipulate" her into a decision. That WILL NOT WORK right now. She has to come around on her own. If this goes on for another month, then, I guess I'll get to that point. Right now I feel that I can't. I sometimes worry that she might see this as a test of wills between us. I fear that she might see "giving the marriage another try" the same as "letting JD win."
Of COURSE it is not like that - but I fear she sees it that way. Eventually that is one of the thigns I want to talk about with her. But I can't do that just yet.
She wants to play with her new toy, and if I try to "ruin" it for her....that will just make it all that much worse. Trust me on that one for now.
If the shit hits the fan, if she tells me it's over and a divorce proceeding begins...oh yeah, trust me, his wife is getting a phone call and a copy of all the emails, her boss at work (and maybe the IT guy there) will get a call or some emails about the shenanigans going on, and copies of the emails that were being sent from his WORK EMAIL ADDRESS containing filthy things that shouldn't even be printed on a bathroom wall, all of that shit. I can do it if I have to, I'm angry enough to...but I still love my wife, too.
Through all of this I still love her, I want our life to get back to what it was and should be...so I can't do any of those things right now. I hope I never will...
So, yeah, I'm passive right now. I have to be, anything else just will validate what she hates about me.
So, Murphy, in effect, my being "passive" and letting this happen right now IS one of the things I need to be doing to show her I've changed. Sick, isn't it?
I won't be able to let it go on forever, don't worry Dana.
Oops, just one more thing I forgot - remember, part of my seeing a lawyer is to find out what I need to do to cover my ass and be prepared to blow her out of the water if this ever does get to that point.
So that's a reason I'm not planning to TELL her I've seen one. Oh no. If this happens, she's going to be blindsided before she knows what hit her. I've got $20k in the bank she can't touch, she's just got debt. I'll out-lawyer her like you've never seen. And her parents, while not wealthy, could maybe help her in that regard, but I know they won't...they do not believe in divorce, sadly two of their other kids have gone through it and of course they were emotionally supportive but never helped financially and never agreed it was the right thing to do.
Is that angry and vindictive enough for you Dana? :)
See, there are balls down here somewhere, even though she's stepping all over them right now.
Thanks for being "protective." I have been thinking a lot about you and your emails the last few days. You were one bright spot in this, one bit of good Karma. I hope things are working out for you? Email me I want to know.
So I hope you both have a better understanding now. I AM doing all the things I can around the place to get back into the role of The Good Husband. She's just not letting it matter to her right now because she's so distracted by her new guy. I can only keep it up and hope she changes her mind and sees what she needs to see before she's pissed it all away.
So, passive, but not passively just accepting it all. That's the REASON for the blog - an outlet for all the things I want to do and say to HER, but can't right now.
OK? :)
LOL. Sorry, Murphy, I called you "bro."
Chalk up another "issue" for me - subconcious chauvanism. I just assumed you were a man, don't know why - the name combined with the hard slap across the face attitude in your comment, I guess. :)
Note to self: Check the profile BEFORE replying to the comments.
Anyway, I'm determined to fix it, and I'm doing all I can. You guys have inspired me to a new blog entry later saying a lot of these same things, I guess. Plus I'll let my anger out a little more too in that entry, let you all see I'm not as completely wussified as my wife is making me appear right now. :)
LOL.
Now that's synchronicity right there - you were typing up that "I'm a girl" comment at the same momemt I was typing mine saying I thought you were a guy 'till I read your profile.
It's odd. So far almost everyone who's happened across my blog and commented or Emailed has been a woman. Only one guy that I know of (some of the Anon's are, well, Anon so I dunno) so far.
I appreciate all the comments, all the different points of view. It helps. Murphy, feel free to continue telling me what I should be doing. Not saying I'll DO it, but I value the input. :)
Murphy:
Well why didn't you say it has a microwave flip top? I totally get it, now.
Sorry that I, too, called you Dude. Guess I should check out profiles, too. Lesson learned, babe. (better)
***
JD:
Glad to see you in a better mood. Don't have much time right now but I'll e-mail you soon. Just know that my life has changed, for the better, a lot.
***
NOTICE: Anyone else upsetting or offending my buddy JD will have their ass handed to them by a GIRL!
Hehehehe you guys are cracking me up with your comments about tupperware and ass kicking. :)
JD man, it is good to see the fire in you with your replies to these comments. I am so happy that you have made the appointment to see an attorney and from reading what you have written here, I would say you are getting it all figured out and are beginning to move ahead. Bravo! We're cheering for ya man!
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