Sunday night. Another interesting day.

OK...so...we didn't get to go out on a "date" or anything, no babysitter...

Bit of a bummer, but we had a nice day nonetheless. As already blogged, she went out to breakfast with her mom and The Boy, giving me some time to clean up a bit, and then go out and get started mowing the lawn.

The new bagging attachment her dad kludged together for the mower kicks ass. No more grass clippings all over the place...have to stop and dump the containers only about 4 times for the whole back lawn, less for the front and side...so it's a huge advantage and will help my lawn next year. Assuming I still have this house next year, that is.

Anyway, after that was done, I showered up, by then they were home, and I took The Boy up the road to a nice park here that we never checked out before, to fly a kite I bought last week. The Boy loves ANYTHING that goes up in the air, so I knew he'd get a kick out of it...I was hoping for a day just like this, it was warm, like about 65'F and nice and windy...a really nice autumn day, sunny, etc.

So we flew the kite for a bit...of course, after all the string was out and it flew for awhile, I looked at the knot on the string holder and thought, "Hmm that doesn't look like it's going to hold up in this wind" and as I started to wrap it tighter, a big gust popped the knot...kite (a "dragon" kite with like a 20' tail, all nylon) went flying right into some high-tension power lines. (Yes, I was well aware they were there and made sure we were further away from them than the length of the kite line, I'm not crazy...)

Kite got tangled all over the power lines...I was actually waiting for a fire or something...heh...these being the BIG power lines that are carrying like 22000 volts or whatever...of course it was a warm dry day and nylon isn't a very strong conductor, so nothing happened. But anyway I figured the kite flying was all over, but we just sorta sat there and watched for awhile, and luckily a few more wind gusts came along, blew it down along the lines but also started untangling it, the wind grabbed the kite-end again and whipped it off and we got it back. So we flew it a bit more, then went to check out the playground - The Boy enjoyed the swings and slides for awhile...then we went home.

All in all that was a nice time for me and him, she wanted to stay home and she cleaned the upstairs, for which of course I was certain to thank her.

Then we went grocery shopping together, which was uneventful and fine.

Now, some interesting talk on the way home. Again, don't ask me how we got on the subject, I think I just said something like, "Hey, has anything I've been doing been doing any good? Are there other things I should be working on that I need to know about?" (Taking some advice from another person's blog here, I need to find out all the reasons she doesn't respect me, and get working on them...I thought I've got them all but didn't hurt to ask, and the mood seemed right...)

She said, yes, she certainly sees me being a better father, but she also said she still just doesn't feel anything else. Doesn't hate me, but doesn't love me either...just...no special feelings anymore.

Believe it or not, that's progress though. And I think it even got a little better, I again (because it seemed like a safe moment) said that's why I was worried and wished she would try a little harder to let me "in" - not force or fake feelings, but just try to warm up to me and let the little things matter again. Well, she said she was trying a little, but didn't want to force anything. Again, that was somewhat positive. I even said something like, "Well, that's good...that's also why I wish you could sort of try not to feel anything for this other person, either....not right now anyway, he's not going anywhere."

She said...she is. She said, "Don't you think I don't try? I do. I try to control myself."

Interesting. She did not admit that before. Later I even went back to the subject (because she was still talking about stuff and seemed relaxed enough to risk it) and said, "Hey, you know, don't say anything that isn't true, we agreed on that...are you really saying that you are trying not to fall for that guy, that you're trying to control these impulses and things? Because last week you pretty much said, I thought, that you wouldn't commit to trying to fix the marriage until you'd explored your feelings, and I sort of took that to mean you'd just do whatever you wanted, not hold anything back..."

She repeated that yes, she really wasn't committed to saving the marriage just yet, but at the same time, yes she is trying to control her impulses.

I said basically, "Thanks - I feel better knowing that, and that you can keep waiting awhile to see how things turn out and if you start to feel love in the marriage again." And stopped the conversation before it could go anywhere bad...


Now, I don't know what to make of this. A lot of it seems positive, of course. At this point, anything she says about NOT wantonly giving into any desires or emotions she has for the other guy, is positive. Anything she says about seeing me be a better father, is positive. That she doesn't really feel anything special towards me ("love" in other words) isn't really positive, but at least, isn't any worse...and this has been only 3 weeks, I don't expect any miracles. Overall, I was sincere when I thanked her and said I felt a little bit better.

HOWEVER, on the other hand...she's still shopping for lingerie, she's still planning next weeks "Date Night" and all that. So is she lying? I don't know. Is she just still confused and isn't sure what she wants? That would be understandable and I can't really hold that against her. Probably that's the likely thing - she wants to, so she buys the underwear, but she has some self-control, so maybe she won't "use" it....?

If she's trying, even a little bit, to hold herself back from falling for this guy emotionally, or continuing the sexual affair, well, that's as positive as I can hope for I guess. So maybe the underwear thing is just the uncertainty of her...maybe she DOESN'T have a specific plan.

Or maybe she's full of shit and lying to me. I really don't know. Or she's lying to herself.

It's not fair, or constructive, I guess, to try to figure these things out. She's as confused as anyone caught in a mess like this.

But if she really is trying to control that a little, then, maybe there is more hope for this than I thought. I certainly didn't expect her to love me again in 3 weeks...3 months, maybe. And, if she was truthful, then maybe, just maybe, I'll get that kind of time. I also think that gives more time for her to realize this guy's a jackass.

Again - unless it's all a lie. But now I'm repeating myself in the blog again, so time to wrap it up.

Back to work tomorrow, I need to get back, but I've still got anxiety about my job and stuff too. I really hope I can focus and deliver the goods there, right quick, because I still am the new guy on the team, etc.


Food Log:

Another light day. Under 900 calories actually, even with some not-so-great food mixed in: Fruit for breakfast, a breakfast bar for some grains, some soy-burger stuff for lunch, and a "Lean Cuisine" microwave meal for dinner. The Boy and EL had Chinese food from Wegmans (a really kick-ass grocery store chain that some of you may be aware of) which is always really great, I had great self control but did eat a mini-eggroll and a dumpling (pot sticker, whatever ya wanna call it) but since it was a good day and it was before 6pm, I figured screw it. :)



Oh, a new blog feature: Things I'm thinking about doing, that I won't do, but that apparently some of you enjoy seeing me say I COULD do... :

#1 - I could get the other guy's Yahoo! password very easily. He's a dumbass, he has his birthdate in his screenname (as I've mentioned before - it's how for $10 I got a very detailed People Finder report on the dude) and I know his zip code as well. With those facts, it's easy to do the "Forgot Password?" thing on Yahoo. I tried it to see what his "secret question" is (you know, you have to answer that right and then it gives you a new password) and it's something I could easily figure out within a few tries. So add this to the list of things I could do if it turned out I just didn't care anymore, or things got so bad it didn't matter. Be interesting to read his Email, see who else he's fucking around with...

#2 - This would be amusing. My wife already has him in a speed-dial phonebook entry in her phone. Of course, it's his cellphone since he's married - I bet the dirtbag didn't even GIVE my wife his home #. But of course I have it. It would be so amusing to reprogram her phone to call his home # when she speed-dials him. (With her brand of phone, it doesn't display the # on the screen when you dial from the phonebook, so she wouldn't know right away what was going on.) It would definitely make for some interesting explanations...and he might not buy them, he might think she went mental and started calling his house...

No, I WILL NOT DO THESE THINGS. (Yet)

But, they'd be pretty f'ing funny, wouldn't they? So you see, people, men can be as vindictive, petty, and sneaky as some of you are telling me women are. (That's not a sexist comment, as it's you women TELLING me that!! :) )

OK...I'm out. Wish me luck on work tomorrow, got to get back into the groove and move on with my professional life.