The Letter - A draft. Comments?

So, I've typed up a draft of the letter I will give EL, that may or may not spur an instant discussion, but makes my intentions clear and also covers me legally.

Here goes...what do you think? (Find and replace was used, I won't actually be referring to "The Other Guy" and The Boy in the letter! :)



There are a lot of things that need to be said, but I don’t want this to be too long. It will be anyway, I’m sure.

I know I’ve not given you quite as much space as you wanted, but it’s very hard. We’re living together, you know? But I’ve tried.

You think I’ve been talking about it all too much, but EL…days have gone by without comment. What conversations there have been have been 5 or 10 minutes long.

I’ve been thinking about nothing else for the last 4 weeks…nonstop almost. So, a dozen 10 minute conversations in 4 weeks, I don’t think that was too bad.

And you can still have your space. Nothing should change right away. This letter is not a demand to “choose right now!”

But, EL, it is time for you to make a decision soon. Either you don’t care about the marriage anymore, the past we’ve had and the future we could have, or you do.

If you care about those things, and want to commit to trying to save our marriage, you have to stop the affair. Nothing can move forward, nothing can ever get better, unless you stop seeing “The Other Guy”. It’s impossible. You can’t try to repair a damaged marriage with someone else in the picture. So that is one thing that you can do – stop the affair, break it off, and commit to working with me to repair our marriage and get on with our lives together. Counseling together, spending time together and with The Boy, and leaving “The Other Guy” alone. Sure, it might not work – that’s an unfortunate reality. We can only try our best and hope for what’s right. But it can not possibly work with “The Other Guy” in the picture, it’s a sham to even try. I know how you feel about him (I think) and how he feels about you, and how he makes you feel. But if we try and fail, he’ll still be there. You just need to stop it for now, and give it a fair chance to succeed in our marriage if that’s what you want to do.

I’ve made some changes – they will continue, and they’ll get better. I don’t claim they fix everything – I wanted to get a lot more of the house cleaned, I’m still not doing a lot of the laundry, that sort of thing. But…I’ve made some. They will continue. The anger thing is gone. I always knew what I was doing, you know. I never “lost my mind” in anger though I’m sure it looked that way. It is no problem at all for me to stop that forever. I have. That is a promise to myself, and The Boy, and you.

I’m improving my physical health. That’s not going to stop either. This situation was the push I needed, I’ve been procrastinating since 2000 about getting down to 190lbs and now I’m going to. I told myself I didn’t want to be in my 30’s and obese. That’s a promise to MYSELF, not to you. A little bit for The Boy, too. I want to be there to run around the yard playing football or soccer with him, ride bikes, go hiking. I will be able to do that. I’ve lost 30lbs in the last 4 weeks, that will drop to about 3 or 4lbs a week, then even lower. But by next August I will weigh 190lbs, my cholesterol will be under 150, and my resting pulse will be 60. I will be able to ride my bike for several miles, I’ll be able to run a mile or two. These are my goals, and dammit, I will make them! I may take up weights, join a gym, or take up Karate or some other physical discipline. I haven’t quite decided on that one yet, or if I’ll have the time, but I’m thinking about it.

I’m improving my mental health. I’ve needed to do that for a long time – years, really, even since before I met you – and I tried to fill the void with other things. I’m doing it correctly now. I will continue my counseling alone to work on my “issues.” I will overcome my clinical depression. Remember, EL – the Prozac isn’t even actually working yet. It takes at least 3 weeks to have any effect, and it was only 2 as of Thursday. I’ve managed to change my attitudes, impulses, and other things about my life without that and when it kicks in, it may make dramatic changes in my personality that we can’t even imagine. That’s another reason you don’t need to choose RIGHT NOW.

I’m noticing you and The Boy and what you mean to me a lot more. That’s not going to stop.

Same as you, I’m dressing better to feel better about myself. Tucking in my shirt might not seem a big deal, but I’m not trying to hide my waist anymore. It feels good. That’s not going to stop.

You might think I’m still addicted to the computer right now, but you might not realize – it’s not playing games or wasting time on the Internet anymore, it’s just writing in my blog to keep myself from bothering you (much) and going crazy.

I’m improving all aspects of myself, and that’s not going to stop.

I’d like you to stay and try to fix the marriage, and you can watch as these changes continue, maybe even get ever better! But even if you go – they’re not going to stop. This situation has given me the push I need to be a better man, and I will. For myself, and my future. But I want that to be with you. You, The Boy, and our marriage will benefit from these changes as much as me alone.

I don’t have the choice here – what I want, is what I wanted when I came to talk to you Sunday after your trip, before I knew how bad it really was, or about “The Other Guy” – apparently even before you really knew how you felt about “The Other Guy” – and how you felt about me.

And that is: To get our life back to the fun, loving, happy way that it was. I know we can do it if you want to, if you try – we can probably make it. We were best friends and lovers for years before the marriage and we can be again. From the big Disney trips and Hawaii, to snuggling on the couch watching a movie that you picked out. To new things we’ll do together with The Boy, watching him grow into a boy, a teen, a man – together as a family.

I’m changing into a better man, it’s true, but mostly just by rediscovering the man I was. With the new additions of a child I love, a home, a well paying job, and all the things that come along with those.

That is all I want. I want it because it’s what’s right. Divorce is wrong. For us, and for The Boy. I’m sorry if that’s a manipulating statement, but it is true. Divorced kids live through hell – ask some of them sometime. At my worst, I was never a “bad father” EL – think of some of the stories of truly bad parents we hear about. I was wrapped up in my own crap to be a good father, true. But a bad one? Never. And now I’m going to be a good one again. The Boy will NOT be better off without me, just like for all his faults, I am NOT better off that my dad didn’t live with me.

It’s also morally wrong to have an affair while you are married. I’m sorry, that’s just the way it is. You’d have thought the same, before this happened. I don’t know what changed about you that you don’t think that now, or maybe you DO think that. You won’t talk to me, so I just don’t know. I wish we could talk about it, so I’d know. I’d try to make you feel better about it, if you do.

(JD here - should I include the above paragraph, or is it too much?)
(Continuing...)

Then, there is the other choice that you have, of course – that you don’t care about those things, and that you want to continue the affair. That means we are separated. In Pennsylvania, separation doesn’t require separate addresses and living apart. I’m not moving out, and you don’t have to either if you don’t want to. But as long as you are having an affair, then you are saying the marriage is over, you want out, and therefore we are separated but living in the same home.

What happens then? I don’t know. It will still be up to you to decide, later, if you want to come back to the marriage or not. But it will still be up to you. That’s what I meant by nothing really has to “change” right this minute, no real “decisions” need to be made. I am waiting here for you to make up your mind what you want. But while that’s going on, we are maritally separated but living together in the same home. Because I DO NOT consent to this affair, but since it’s nothing I can control – we need to consider ourselves separated but living in the same home.

Eventually, of course, it will become clear that there is no hope and someone will have to file for divorce.

(JD again - these next 3...include, or are they too much for what I'm trying to accomplish in this letter? Remember I am still tiptoeing a bit - don't want to sound controlling, just want to say it's time to choose...so this might be the wrong place to bring THIS up...)

I can’t shake the feeling you are trying to get me to be the one to file. It’s all the comments you keep making about “Maybe you should leave for awhile” and “Well, if that’s what YOU want.” I’m not sure if that’s true, or if it is, why – but it might be because you feel that if I do the filing, then it makes me the “bad guy” who is giving up his marriage and ruining everything, that you can then feel better about things because it’s not you asking for divorce. That you get a pass, that your family (and mine) will all blame me, and so on. Is there any truth to that? I hope not, but I worry. Because you won’t – you refuse – to talk about any of this, I don’t know what you are thinking and feeling.

It doesn’t actually work that way. You are having an affair, and this isn’t a “threat” or an attempt to control you, but that will come out in court and in public. It HAS to. We can’t GET divorced without the fact of your affair becoming an issue. It’s not something I want to do to you to “get even” or to make you angry, or be bitter, or any of that. It’s just something that will be, because that’s how the law works. You haven’t even tried to be discreet, and there is lots of physical proof out there, and witnesses, and records. Legally admissible records, some that I already have, and more that could be subpoenaed. I worry that you think you might be able to hide it, or claim I’m just paranoid and making it up. But it’s all out there and it will come out.

There is no way I could say what I just said without you thinking it’s a threat, or an attempt to manipulate you into a decision, or trying to control you. I know that. But it’s also true, and I can’t help that either. It is something you need to think about when you are deciding what you want to do.

(OK, regardless of if those 3 paragraphs are good, this will continue to the end...)

It is up to you to choose how to proceed now. Think it all over, decide what happens next. Give it another week or two.

I know my actions and my own bad choices caused many of YOUR choices, but you are the one who made these: You chose not to tell me that things were getting this bad, you chose to bottle up your feelings, you chose to let yourself feel “fond” of “The Other Guy”, you chose to go out, you chose to let it become adultery, and you will choose how to proceed.

Don’t say, “Whatever you want. If that’s what you want” or other things like that.

I want what I have wanted since that Sunday – to be the better husband and father I realized I should have been. To make my wife and son happy. To show you over time and by my actions that I never stopped loving you, even if I did take things for granted. To hopefully over time, and by my actions, help you rediscover, or even completely re-create, feelings of love and affection for me. You say you never stopped being my friend – that’s a huge thing. It means there are still good feelings and memories to work with.

I FORGIVE you for what you’ve done, because I know my choices and actions helped make it happen. But I do not CONSENT to it continuing. If you want to come back to the marriage and work on a future together, I will forgive and forget. I will never hold it against you in our marriage, and I will never let anyone else do that either. Only a few friends and three of my family members know, and they love and respect us both. They’ve been through it themselves, they know life goes on and adults make mistakes. I’ve made plenty, and my only wish is that you’ll decide you’ve made one of your own, and come back and commit to TRYING – just TRYING – to save our marriage. Together.

(And...that's it. Comments, please? Email or in the blog, either way. Work friends, family - Email them to me...)