Thursday, small update...
(Blogging by mail)
So, last night she must have printed out some lawyers or something, because she left a few sheets of paper (printer must have jammed) sitting right on top of the trash, not even turned upside-down or anything. They fell out when I went to put more garbage in.
(Yeah, we're THAT kind of family, y'know like if you can manage to fit one more thing in the trash, you don't have to close the bag and carry it out. Yes, I DO take it out, now! But see, she's not perfect either...she still crams it in to overflowing...)
So, anyway, there's that. Then last night, while poking around doing my own research on things, I happened on this:
http://www.divorcenet.com/states/nationwide/the_walkaway_wife_syndrome/view
Which fits our situation to a "T". Perfectly, except of course the wrinkle of The Other Guy. But, these two paragraphs here:
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Then, even when her husband undergoes real and lasting changes, it's often too late. The same impenetrable wall that for years shielded her from pain, now prevents her from truly recognizing his genuine willingness to change. The relationship is in the danger zone.
If you are a woman who fits this description, please don't give up. I have seen so many men make amazing changes once they truly understand how unhappy their wives have been. Sometimes men are slow to catch on, but when they do, their determination to turn things around can be astounding. I have seen many couples strengthen their marriages successfully even though it seemed an impossible feat. Give your husband another chance. Let him prove to you that things can be different. Keep your family together. Divorce is not a simple answer. It causes unimaginable pain and suffering. It takes an enormous amount of energy to face each day. Why not take this energy and learn some new skills and make your marriage what you've wanted it to be for so long?
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That's just dead-on our situation. This is what I've been trying to tell her. Can't she just WAIT a few months and see?
Argh. I know, I'm repetetive and say the same things over and over....
posted by Fensty at 11:45 AM
8 Comments:
Thought about it, but that's not my style really, I just approach her and talk about it.
Like I considered leaving the lawyer I visited's card lying around (or even just in my wallet, where she goes from time to time to get things - and yes, I've since changed my ATM password and will probably also start locking my wallet in my handgun safe at night along with the checkbooks) BUT to what point? I'd prefer just to talk to her.
Unless, you think she might pay more attention to info she thinks she found on the sly? Like, reverse psychology almost?
You know, since she ignores when I try to talk to her, plant some things I want her to really pay attention to but make it look like an accident? Interesting.
Jd
You know, that's a fair observation, Mac.
I mean, I HAVE been working at it, but I have also been letting that website slide and not really spending enough time researching those aspects of what I should be doing.
I already know she's going to tell me tonight (if I even ask, I just found out I'll be working a bit late so I may just drop it until tomorrow) she wants the divorce and not to work on the marriage, but, doesn't mean I can't still do all those things over the next few weeks (and most likely months) as this thing drags out and out...
So, I can do that...just leave my stuff lying around. I know she'll pick it up and read it. Good points. She really does hate it when I try to "teach" her something. I have a hard time controlling that, too, since until this job change, I was a trainer here at work...
quote: but I have also been letting that website slide and not really spending enough time researching those aspects of what I should be doing. /quote
why?
if your doctor said something needed to be removed cancer-wise, and it was a simple procedure, would you say "go ahead doc, remove it?" or would you say "maybe some other time." then it could develop into a malignant melanoma...
it's one thing if you are seeking consolations from strangers regarding your situation, for whatever their opinions are worth. it's quite another to want to try to fix your situation, do anything and everything you can, educate yourself to be a better man...yet you don't.
i am curious as to why you don't.
Well, there are only so many hours in the day, after I come home from work, I either make dinner or play with The Boy while she does, then we eat, then someone does the dishes while someone else gives him a bath, then story time, etc...it's about 9:30 before I have any "free time." I'm in bed by 11:30 these days, so that's not a big chunk of time.
That 2 hours is definitely spent productively helping my marriage, on issues she has specifically TOLD me are important to her. Talking to the wife about smalltalk, discussing a TV show we're watching, and yes - reading websites. I've read quite a few, just not "marriagebuilders.com" yet.
Another major, specific, issue to her is, DON'T be on the computer all night. So if she goes to bed early, I do tend to hit some sites that are helpful, including this blog as well. But if she's up, I do something else around the house on purpose, so she sees me NOT on the computer. Fixing small broken things, cleaning up something messy, cleaned out the garage pretty well over a 3 day period, etc. We're pack-rat people so there is tons of what I can only call "stuff" all over the place, even after 3 weeks of this.
The 2 weeks I was home alone, I did quite a bit more digging around on the net for support groups, advice sites, etc. I just didn't hear about marriagebuilders until Mac showed up. :) I've not had time to study it to any degree yet.
Trust me, I'm not sitting around crying, or avoiding, or plotting revenge.
True, though, you've made me think that the hour or so I cram into blogging, might be better spent.
So - don't look for any more blog entries tonight. If you guys are raving about this site so much, then yeah, I better take a good long look when I get my "me time" tonight and see what issues might be important that she HASN'T told me.
FWIW, though, the list you posted, Mac - I'm doing everything I can on those already!
Martha, for the Doctor metaphor, look at it this way - my wife's the doctor, the marriage problems are the tumor. She's already TOLD me specifically several things to do to treat the tumor. So shouldn't I be doing those as much as possible, and not spending quite as much time looking up other doctor's opinions on the Internet who don't actually know me, or my tumor, reading up on general courses of treatment for general tumors...etc.
Rather a silly stretch, but ya see what I mean? :)
*quote*
She's already TOLD me specifically several things to do to treat the tumor. So shouldn't I be doing those as much as possible, and not spending quite as much time looking up other doctor's opinions on the Internet who don't actually know me, or my tumor, reading up on general courses of treatment for general tumors...etc.
*/quote*
and all the while, she's out playing doctor while you are doing everything you can from her "honey do" list, eh?
you need to discover, now that the tumor's been diagnosed, that the chemotherapy treatments (doing the list) are usually not quite as effective as the radiation (zapping the other source of HER tumor, the o.m.) the site mac so emphatically tells you about, blog post after blog post, might just hold some of the answers to further you along in your research.
you've heard the expression "physician, heal thyself," right?
*peace*
OK, OK...I give. :) I told ya, no more blog entries tonight (does responding to comments count?) and I'll look at the website.
I still reserve the right to do what I think is best in the situation, though. And calling his wife, isn't it....yet.
Anyway, I'm home from work much earlier than I thought, she went to the Mall with The Boy, so I'm taking a look as soon as I post this comment.
:)
FWIW, marriagebuilders.com had some useful stuff that got me through my wife's FIRST affair a few years ago. But again, I have to wonder, if you were SO bad, why didn't she leave BEFORE having an affair? (I haven't read any reply yet to my earlier post about that.)
SH
Mac, my friend...you just told the story of me and my wife right there.
Damn, it took me 60+ blog entries to do it and you summed it up in one page. :)
That's exactly it. And my wife won't see it, she just doesn't care, says it's over, nothing worth trying, she wants to be happy and she'll only be happy alone.
It's crazy, just crazy.
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