The Long Version of Last Night

So, it’s come to this. No matter how much I tried to tell myself this was going to be the outcome, at the same time, I never wanted to believe it so it’s not any easier.

Last night’s entry was short and very random, I’m sorry. I’m still not much better. But maybe now I can at least relate the details as best I can.

One of the people I’ve talked to said, interestingly, that this journal can serve as a “record of events” which may be helpful, too. Like at work we document every conversation we have with an employee, even though it’s just notes, it’s not mere “hearsay” but becomes usable as evidence. Interesting.

So, anyway…she came home from work, I was there. The Boy was playing with his trains, and we started talking. It was only a few minutes in, I said something still slightly optimistic about “if we stay married” and she just came back with, “I don’t want to stay married. We have to divorce.”

OK. Well, I had forced myself to be ready for that, so it wasn’t too bad yet.

At this point I’m not going to try to do direct quotes but just describe different parts of the conversation.

I kept saying, why won’t she even TRY? She kept saying, because she doesn’t think it will help. I kept pointing out – you don’t THINK it will help, but we don’t KNOW if we don’t try. Don’t we owe it to The Boy?

She’d get mad at that, claim I was trying to use him to “bargain” with and so on, but I didn’t let up. I kept saying, think what you’re doing to him, this isn’t the right thing to do, etc. She owed it to him and herself to at least try, for the sake of 9 years together, etc.

Nope. She kept telling me to stop trying to “coerce” her.

I said, what kind of custody arrangement did she imagine? She wasn’t sure. I said, well, are we talking 6 months with me, 6 months with you? She blanched at that – no way she could be away from him that long. I told her, better think about it, what happened when one of us moved away? And so forth. So I said, well, one week with me, one with you, then? Again she thought that wasn’t right, she was more like “3 days with you, 4 with me – you can have him on the weekends.”

No way, kiddo…you don’t get to have your swingin’ single weekends and Monday morning and let me be your babysitter from Friday night to Tuesday morning, not gonna happen, I said – or words to that effect. So she seemed to agree that week on/week off was the only way to go. I forsee arguments on that score that will probably spill over into every other area of the divorce proceedings though.

She kept saying, over and over, we had to do it as easily and friendly as possible for the sake of The Boy. Objectively of course I agree! But realistically, I think she’s in a fantasy world again on that one. Divorce never goes as easily as people want it to. But I’ll take her at her word at least, for what it’s worth (not much!) and assume she at least THINKS she’s being sincere right now.

I kept telling her that actually – that I was gratified she felt that way, but that her lawyers, friends, and family would start filling her head with ideas about how she could “stick it to me.” I told her flat out, she better think twice about that. I said, listen, I LOVE you, I would never WANT to do this to you, sincerely and honestly – but if you MAKE me, if you try to get sole custody, or spouse support, or more than a 50/50 split of everything…then I’ll HAVE NO CHOICE but to use my proof of the affair to bring that all up in court. That it would ruin her, and her boyfriend, and all that. She seemed to understand I wasn’t threatening – I really wasn’t! But I won’t hesitate to use that if I need to do protect my rights in this thing.

She actually said we should get the do-it-yourself divorce papers and just one lawyer. She really is naïve, but since technically she has more to lose than I do, I think I may take her up on that (AFTER I consult with a few more lawyers myself, that is!) so I will be sure to keep agreeing that’s a good, cheap, safe idea since we can agree on everything.

I told her what I saw as the likely outcome – she doesn’t try for spouse support, she agrees to joint custody with equal time living with each parent (I won’t stipulate weekly, daily, monthly or anything since who knows where we will be living in the future – it may have to come to 6 months with each, or 3, or whatever it would take to not be a big strain on the boy moving back and forth long distances – I want the agreement to say “equal time throughout the year” so any time she gets, I get as well) and REASONABLE child support only. She doesn’t try to get my 401k or my stock options. All debts split 50/50. All assets 50/50 as well, aside from her keeping her car and me keeping mine.

If she’ll agree to all that without legal hassles, I’ll take it. Unless a lawyer tells me I’ve got a good shot at sole custody, that is, which I highly doubt but which I certainly will ask!

Child support, I threw the figure $500/month out to see what she’d say…that being the national average to raise a child. She sort of looked shocked like she thought it would be more – I didn’t have the heart (or I admit, the desire) to explain it would probably be LESS than that if we have 50/50 custody, I’d imagine it’d drop by 50%. She asked that I keep paying the day care fee, which is actually fair since he only goes 20 hours a week and her parents watch him the other 20 or so hours. (One major reason I know I’d have a hard time winning sole custody…) Interestingly, though, $515/mo was the # she got out of that silly web page she’d visited on the subject.

She actually said something really silly about “you can have the downstairs TV, but we have to go through the CD collection…”

I was stunned. She’s thinking about the TV and the CD collection. I’m again struck by her not taking seriously the task ahead of us. What are we, college kids who lived together for 6 months?

So, it wasn’t all conclusive really, we were just talking, but I reminded her again at the end – it was really nice she was being so mature (somewhat) in not trying to “take me for all I’m worth” but that her lawyers and friends would try to change her mind – that she needed to remember about the affair and the other guy’s family, their jobs, etc.


Now, as for her affair – get this. She says, she never told HIM that I knew what I knew. Poor guy! No wonder he never panicked or took down his Yahoo! profile with his picture on it, etc. She says, that his wife is also having an affair, they’ve only been married for about a year, and they’ve already agreed their marriage is “over.” (Well, actually, as she put it, “HE’s told her it’s over.”)

So – yes, most definitely, I will be calling his wife soon. VERY soon. We’ll see if what this guy says is true. Of course EL gave me a dirty, offended look when I suggested maybe it wasn’t. I said, “Have you ever talked to his wife?” She said no. She said, though, that he has told his wife everything. I was overjoyed. If true, that means I have another eyewitness to everything. I even TOLD my wife that. At this point, I won’t reveal the proof I have, but I was glad to point out that ADDITIONAL little complication if she tries to fight me in court – his wife will be there testifying to the affair, too.


So, that’s where it stands. She refuses to stay married, she wants the divorce. I asked her to still keep an open mind and to please not let anything like “pride” get in the way if she starts to think she’s making a mistake – I still love her and would still commit to trying to save the marriage.

She says, what the heck, she’ll go to counseling if I want her to, while we go thru the divorce, but she won’t give up the affair. So it’s probably useless, but I’ll think about it, see if the counselor thinks that’s logical, but it doesn’t seem like it. Still, it may help her come to her senses.

She also made comments about being separated. I again explained, legally, we ARE separated already, just living in the same house, and than in Pennsylvania it isn’t a requirement that we live apart before the divorce – unless someone contests it, which doesn’t seem likely at this point. But she AGAIN said the crap about “But if you weren’t here, I might start to miss you and have those feelings again.” I am not buying that one bit, but whatever. I figure I’ll start living in the downstairs and she can live upstairs, with the kitchen and bathroom the neutral ground. (The downstairs bathroom belongs to the cats…though I suppose that might have to change…) She made some comments about if I was dating other people, I wouldn’t want her anymore, etc. I said she was nuts. I said, would I have let the last month go on if I wasn’t deeply in love with her still?

However, in the short term, as I’m getting all depressed again, I am really thinking I will take off for a few weeks, drive my convertible down to Florida and live with my Dad down there for 2 weeks or so. At this point, it probably can’t make anything any worse. Lying on the Gulf of Mexico all day, driving my ‘vert around all night with the top down, walking around the town, striking up conversations with strangers at the bookstore, these things seem like a good idea to me right now. Maybe drive all the way down to Key West, I’ve always wanted to take that US Rt One all the way down like that. See Hemmingway’s house, etc.

I don’t really believe she’ll suddenly miss me and change her mind like she thinks, but neither do I think it’ll really make her and the boyfriend any closer – and who knows, maybe if suddenly they have that unrestricted time together, it won’t be as great as she thinks. Maybe he’ll do something stupid like yell at my son in front of her. Maybe he’ll see her and my son together, and either get guilty (highly unlikely) or scared of the “instant family” he’s going to aquire. Maybe a lot of things. Definitely, let her get a taste of being a single mom, if she really thinks I never did anything to help raise our son, I think she’ll suddenly discover I was doing a LOT more than she thought!

Also, maybe she WANTS me to date someone else and see if I come running back to her. Some kind of fucked-up “test” in her mind, to see if I really love her or whatever. Of course, I’m not stupid – most likely, she just wants to assuage her own guilt, and seeing me also with someone else will probably do that for her to some extent.

Regardless, please everyone keep in mind she is at least PARTLY honest in that this guy is not the only reason for her wanting a divorce. Not even the main reason. I definitely think he’s a reason she’s not going to try, he’s the reason she’s decided to do this RIGHT NOW, he’s the reason she’s not thinking clearly, so yes – I want to break them up and all that, don’t get me wrong. But neither do I think suddenly having him gone will really make a huge impact on her.

Her reasons for leaving are that she doesn’t think I can change, that she won’t be happy, and that I “hurt her deeply” by being inconsiderate and taking her for granted for so long.

And as you all know, I don’t disagree. I did those things. She keeps claiming I threw things at her, which is an outright lie, but I have and do admit I threw things IN THE OTHER DIRECTION and maybe in her head, that’s the same thing, I don’t know. I won’t try to de-validate those feelings of hers, just that she’s childish for not TRYING. And I’ve already made that change, I don’t get angry like that anymore. I pointed out that people at work look at me with amazement when I say that’s how my temper can get. They never see that side of me, and I explained to EL why that is: Because I can control it perfectly! I know when NOT to throw a fit, and now I know the answer is – never! SHE sees it differently, though. Her reply was something like, “Yeah, you bottle it all up at work and come home and take it out on us.” I don’t think that’s true. I actually don’t bring work stress home, never did. Work used to be stressful but mainly because of the TIME I had to spend here…it’s not like I go home angry about things that happen at work. I like my job, just not the demands it makes on my time.

I think she’s just being selfish, really, and she doesn’t want to try counseling and wait for my changes to become permanent because, really, she just wants out. She said as much, actually, that she just wants to be alone now. When I said, I thought that’s why you got upset at me, that I left you alone – she said yeah, but now she’s used to it and so that’s why she doesn’t want me anymore. Hmm. Guess that’s probably true.

Lastly, when I said about the other guy, that of course he looks like the perfect man now, because she doesn’t have to live with him, that the grass is always greener on the other side, she swore up and down she doesn’t want “grass” anyway right now – she just wants to be alone, she’s not looking for another man, etc. I don’t buy that either, but whatever.

So, anyway, that’s the story of last night. She’s hell-bent on divorce and not willing to consider any other options. So, I think the smartest thing for me to do is go ahead and let her sign away all her rights, if she’s really going to do that, and get the damn divorce. It’ll still take a few months, but the quicker I get her to stipulate she’ll give those things up the better, and if she changes her mind and wants to get back together, well, hopefully I’ll not be too damaged to accept that and could trust her again, but I doubt I'll get the option.