Is she TRYING to drive me insane?
I mean that literally. Remember, I'm an English major ("you want fries with that degree?") so I know the difference between "literally" and "figuratively." It's one of my pet peeves when people use them wrong...LOL...though people who mix up "Your" and "You're" do make me even more aggravated. But I digress...
So, is she? Or, is she just confused herself - I know, that's more likely, this is a HUGE life-altering big deal and I've been saying all along she hasn't thought it through very well.
But, you don't know what I'm talking about - let me explain:
Friday, I called her around 5 to see if she was going out with her Mom like she said earlier in the day, and taking The Boy. I had my doubts, you know? Not that, strictly speaking, it matters anymore, but I want to keep her honest. I say things like, "no need to lie anymore, right?" all the time.
I also wanted to say, hey, you should go ahead and tell your mom what's going on - gotta tell her sooner or later, right? Basically, I'm trying to get her to realize what she's really doing. Facing up to the facts, telling her parents what she's going to do, etc. will make it more real to her, you know?
Also on that note, I sent her mail today saying we should both stay home this weekend, work on cleaning up the house/watching The Boy together so I could get the downstairs all shaped up for living quarters, and we should rent a storage space somewhere to move a lot of our extra “crap” in during the house selling process – a house full of furniture doesn’t show as well as one that’s very Spartan and open-space looking, you know? And I’m like, we should do it this weekend because we still have her Dad’s van here at the house since I borrowed it that day I had no car…we can use it to move stuff.
Again, that’s TRUE – it is really something we need to do and this is a good weekend to do it – but also, I’m saying it to sort of “make it real” in her head.
So…anyway, at 5 I call her, she says yes, she’s on her way to her Mom’s now, etc. OK, I say…”You probably should go ahead and tell her what’s going on…time to start facing it.” She says, yeah, whatever.
Then because it was on my mind all day, I said, “You still want to get just one lawyer, right? Do this all ourselves to make it easy and quick?” She says…I don’t know. I said, “Ohh, ok, see I warned you – people are working on you already, right, telling you not to do that…I know you’ll be strong and resist, but it’s happening right?” She said, “No…that’s not it. I just don’t know.”
“Well, why not – I thought it was a good idea, I have been thinking about it, and it’s probably better for us if we do it that way. Someone told me we can actually buy software for it at Staples...So what’s wrong?”
“I’m not sure I want to anymore.”
“What – you’re not sure you want a lawyer, or a divorce.”
“A divorce.”
OK, I’m stunned. I’m thinking, WTF – are you TRYING TO DRIVE ME NUTS? But, I just said “Hmm, ok, well obviously then I’m going to stop talking about this right now if you’re thinking again.”
“I want to think on it this weekend,” she says.
Interesting. OK, I say, I’ll let you go. But talk to your Mom ok? “Bye” she says.
It gets better.
When she gets home at about 8, by coincidence I had just pulled in the driveway myself. Her Mom’s car isn’t here, but as I’m getting out of my car, her garage door starts going up. So I wait there to talk to her.
When she gets out, I say “Where’s your Mom’s car?” “She’s going to drive her van home” she says. “Um…didn’t you get my mail, I think we should use it this weeked…” She gives me a look and says, “Didn’t you hear me before? I want to think more.”
OK, I drop the subject.
Later around 9:30 we’re putting The Boy to bed, I just say, “Do we have something to talk about?”
“No. Not yet.”
“OK, but just tell me, one thing that’s fair for me to ask, so I know – while you are doing this thinking, is the affair still “on” or “off”?
“No.”
“No? What do you mean?”
(I’m not being a wiseass, the answer “no” doesn’t match the answers I gave her, though I am not stupid and get the meaning, I think, I want this to be clear, y’know? Maybe she meant, "No, none of your business" or whatever...)
“You ASKED me a question, I said no.”
“Sorry – you mean no, you’re not having the affair right now?”
“Right.”
“OK. Thanks for answering that – ok, we’ll talk when you want.”
Now, for the next part:
This morning at 7:30, she comes in the bedroom (she slept on the couch as has been the norm the last few months…she starts out in bed but moves to the couch later at night, she swears because I snore (I do, but so does she!) though LATELY I know it was also because she wanted to be by the computer…) and changes into some slops (I know she wasn’t going to meet her boyfriend in THAT!) and says she’s going for some groceries. OK…whatever.
I call her about 10 minutes later, just to remind her we need kitty litter and milk, I assume she knew about the milk but I wanted to check. She’s snippy. “I need some me time you know. I might go out with my friend Lisa all day today to talk.” “Hmm, well, that’s not really fair because I’ve got a lot to do around the house, but we’ll talk I guess, figure something out.” She gets snippier and says “OK, is that all?” I let her go, saying sorry, we’ll figure out a way for her to get her “me” time. If she’s thinking, I definitely should let her do that.
Now…best part?
She was on the computer this morning before she left, researching HIS HOME PHONE #... LOL. Isn’t THAT interesting? She hasn’t cared for months, she even knows I KNOW IT, but suddenly she’s on the computer trying to get his #, and even trying to find his address. (Interestingly she didn’t find it, I could have helped her easily with that!)
She tried to look him up on Classmates, which I think is weird. Why? I guess to see if he had contact info in there…
AND, she sent him an Email that was titled “Accident” and said basically, “I think we need to talk some more, you might have misunderstood what I was saying, there is an order things should go through and I don’t want to get them out of order, I don’t want to alter an important decision of yours you’d only hate me, but we had something nice and if it’s over I hope we can still be friends” and like that.
My impression?
She talked to him, told him she’s getting a divorce, he said “Umm, we might have had an accident here” or “that night might have been an accident” or something. He might’ve ended the affair…or maybe she did. Whoever did it, it might be because of what she told me – that since she’s trying to convince herself she’s not leaving me “for him” that she should not be seeing him anymore until she gets divorced. And maybe he said, “Well even then we shouldn’t” OR, maybe he said “But I’m getting a divorce right now, for you!” or who knows.
It’s very hard to try and figure out what’s going on from seeing only part of 1 side of the middle of a conversation, so I won’t indulge in trying to figure it out exactly.
But any way you look at it, it appears 2nd thoughts have suddenly come up from one or both of them, that reality has intruded on the storybook fantasy.
I am NOT gloating. I admit I’m a little “satisfied” about it, but not gloating. Why?
#1 because we ALL knew this was going to happen anyway,
#2 because it really might NOT help my situation anyway, it’s still extremely unpredictable, and
#3 because I truly don’t know what’s going on so it would be premature to read too much into anything.
But it’s interesting anyway. I am curious to know if she’s trying to talk to him right now, calling him or something. She doesn’t seem to know (or care) that I can see who she’s calling from her cellphone (I work for the company, but ANYONE can anyway by looking at the website) so yes, I freely admit, I’ll be checking later to see who she called during this period of time. Though actually it's crossed my mind she might go find a PAYPHONE to call him on so I won't know. Whatever.
I REALLY wonder why she was trying to get his home # and address. It was clear from the searches she was doing she wasn’t content with just his home #...she definitely wanted that address. Maybe SHE is going to talk to his wife! LOL. I wish I could give it to her without her knowing I knew she was looking for it… Should I maybe “accidentally” leave a paper with his info on it sitting in the printer or something?
So, is she? Or, is she just confused herself - I know, that's more likely, this is a HUGE life-altering big deal and I've been saying all along she hasn't thought it through very well.
But, you don't know what I'm talking about - let me explain:
Friday, I called her around 5 to see if she was going out with her Mom like she said earlier in the day, and taking The Boy. I had my doubts, you know? Not that, strictly speaking, it matters anymore, but I want to keep her honest. I say things like, "no need to lie anymore, right?" all the time.
I also wanted to say, hey, you should go ahead and tell your mom what's going on - gotta tell her sooner or later, right? Basically, I'm trying to get her to realize what she's really doing. Facing up to the facts, telling her parents what she's going to do, etc. will make it more real to her, you know?
Also on that note, I sent her mail today saying we should both stay home this weekend, work on cleaning up the house/watching The Boy together so I could get the downstairs all shaped up for living quarters, and we should rent a storage space somewhere to move a lot of our extra “crap” in during the house selling process – a house full of furniture doesn’t show as well as one that’s very Spartan and open-space looking, you know? And I’m like, we should do it this weekend because we still have her Dad’s van here at the house since I borrowed it that day I had no car…we can use it to move stuff.
Again, that’s TRUE – it is really something we need to do and this is a good weekend to do it – but also, I’m saying it to sort of “make it real” in her head.
So…anyway, at 5 I call her, she says yes, she’s on her way to her Mom’s now, etc. OK, I say…”You probably should go ahead and tell her what’s going on…time to start facing it.” She says, yeah, whatever.
Then because it was on my mind all day, I said, “You still want to get just one lawyer, right? Do this all ourselves to make it easy and quick?” She says…I don’t know. I said, “Ohh, ok, see I warned you – people are working on you already, right, telling you not to do that…I know you’ll be strong and resist, but it’s happening right?” She said, “No…that’s not it. I just don’t know.”
“Well, why not – I thought it was a good idea, I have been thinking about it, and it’s probably better for us if we do it that way. Someone told me we can actually buy software for it at Staples...So what’s wrong?”
“I’m not sure I want to anymore.”
“What – you’re not sure you want a lawyer, or a divorce.”
“A divorce.”
OK, I’m stunned. I’m thinking, WTF – are you TRYING TO DRIVE ME NUTS? But, I just said “Hmm, ok, well obviously then I’m going to stop talking about this right now if you’re thinking again.”
“I want to think on it this weekend,” she says.
Interesting. OK, I say, I’ll let you go. But talk to your Mom ok? “Bye” she says.
It gets better.
When she gets home at about 8, by coincidence I had just pulled in the driveway myself. Her Mom’s car isn’t here, but as I’m getting out of my car, her garage door starts going up. So I wait there to talk to her.
When she gets out, I say “Where’s your Mom’s car?” “She’s going to drive her van home” she says. “Um…didn’t you get my mail, I think we should use it this weeked…” She gives me a look and says, “Didn’t you hear me before? I want to think more.”
OK, I drop the subject.
Later around 9:30 we’re putting The Boy to bed, I just say, “Do we have something to talk about?”
“No. Not yet.”
“OK, but just tell me, one thing that’s fair for me to ask, so I know – while you are doing this thinking, is the affair still “on” or “off”?
“No.”
“No? What do you mean?”
(I’m not being a wiseass, the answer “no” doesn’t match the answers I gave her, though I am not stupid and get the meaning, I think, I want this to be clear, y’know? Maybe she meant, "No, none of your business" or whatever...)
“You ASKED me a question, I said no.”
“Sorry – you mean no, you’re not having the affair right now?”
“Right.”
“OK. Thanks for answering that – ok, we’ll talk when you want.”
Now, for the next part:
This morning at 7:30, she comes in the bedroom (she slept on the couch as has been the norm the last few months…she starts out in bed but moves to the couch later at night, she swears because I snore (I do, but so does she!) though LATELY I know it was also because she wanted to be by the computer…) and changes into some slops (I know she wasn’t going to meet her boyfriend in THAT!) and says she’s going for some groceries. OK…whatever.
I call her about 10 minutes later, just to remind her we need kitty litter and milk, I assume she knew about the milk but I wanted to check. She’s snippy. “I need some me time you know. I might go out with my friend Lisa all day today to talk.” “Hmm, well, that’s not really fair because I’ve got a lot to do around the house, but we’ll talk I guess, figure something out.” She gets snippier and says “OK, is that all?” I let her go, saying sorry, we’ll figure out a way for her to get her “me” time. If she’s thinking, I definitely should let her do that.
Now…best part?
She was on the computer this morning before she left, researching HIS HOME PHONE #... LOL. Isn’t THAT interesting? She hasn’t cared for months, she even knows I KNOW IT, but suddenly she’s on the computer trying to get his #, and even trying to find his address. (Interestingly she didn’t find it, I could have helped her easily with that!)
She tried to look him up on Classmates, which I think is weird. Why? I guess to see if he had contact info in there…
AND, she sent him an Email that was titled “Accident” and said basically, “I think we need to talk some more, you might have misunderstood what I was saying, there is an order things should go through and I don’t want to get them out of order, I don’t want to alter an important decision of yours you’d only hate me, but we had something nice and if it’s over I hope we can still be friends” and like that.
My impression?
She talked to him, told him she’s getting a divorce, he said “Umm, we might have had an accident here” or “that night might have been an accident” or something. He might’ve ended the affair…or maybe she did. Whoever did it, it might be because of what she told me – that since she’s trying to convince herself she’s not leaving me “for him” that she should not be seeing him anymore until she gets divorced. And maybe he said, “Well even then we shouldn’t” OR, maybe he said “But I’m getting a divorce right now, for you!” or who knows.
It’s very hard to try and figure out what’s going on from seeing only part of 1 side of the middle of a conversation, so I won’t indulge in trying to figure it out exactly.
But any way you look at it, it appears 2nd thoughts have suddenly come up from one or both of them, that reality has intruded on the storybook fantasy.
I am NOT gloating. I admit I’m a little “satisfied” about it, but not gloating. Why?
#1 because we ALL knew this was going to happen anyway,
#2 because it really might NOT help my situation anyway, it’s still extremely unpredictable, and
#3 because I truly don’t know what’s going on so it would be premature to read too much into anything.
But it’s interesting anyway. I am curious to know if she’s trying to talk to him right now, calling him or something. She doesn’t seem to know (or care) that I can see who she’s calling from her cellphone (I work for the company, but ANYONE can anyway by looking at the website) so yes, I freely admit, I’ll be checking later to see who she called during this period of time. Though actually it's crossed my mind she might go find a PAYPHONE to call him on so I won't know. Whatever.
I REALLY wonder why she was trying to get his home # and address. It was clear from the searches she was doing she wasn’t content with just his home #...she definitely wanted that address. Maybe SHE is going to talk to his wife! LOL. I wish I could give it to her without her knowing I knew she was looking for it… Should I maybe “accidentally” leave a paper with his info on it sitting in the printer or something?
posted by Fensty at 8:36 AM
17 Comments:
Verrrrry interesting!
Hmmm...hard to tell but if I had to guess, I'd say that He wants Her to get a divorce before He tells his wife. It sounds like he is pushing her to get a divorce and she's resenting that. I wonder if she is now skeptical about what she has been told about his wife. I'm detecting a lack of trust in him.
She doesn't know his home phone number????
Hmmm....
Probably because his wife doesn't know anything and he didn't want to take the chance of any accidental calls being made. Hell, if his wife was really having an affair of her own, and really knew about HIS affair, the wife probably wouldn't care if EL called him at home. I wonder if he is just a bullshit liar and she's beginning to suspect that. All the more important for YOU to remain a MODEL OF INTEGRITY.
Whatever you do, don't LIE about anything.
BTW, I loved it when she told you, earlier, that YOU could have the Boy every weekend! (so that SHE could go Fuck without any interruptions) How THOUGHTFUL of her! Hahahahaha. While the Boy is supercute, ...Talk about a SHITBURGER!!
Also, BTW, MY situation seems to have taken a somewhat similar turn. Being "forced" by the counselor to STOP the affair (for three months) and end her "other" problem (if that's possible) seems to have made her more pleasant...at least my older daughter thinks so. But it's way too early to tell. Perhaps she is just being even more secretive and hard to verify.
Could it be that they just want to have lots and lots of sex, and that they simply "burn out" periodically?? [vaginal callouses??? ;-)] Or is it some kind of a monthly cycle????? ;-)
Actually, I'm quite sure that they really want to have lots and lots of sex with lots and lots of partners, but still have the stability and social acceptability of a spouse and family.
Too bad that most of them would never allow a GUY to do that!
SH
First: Fear can make a woman stay in a marriage. If she calls the divorce off (so to speak) make SURE you get into counseling so that she isn't just 'buying time'. If things don't start to change you will know she still wants a divorce but is just waiting. And Second: It sounds like the OM was screwing around and has no plans to leave his wife. She probably told him of her impending divorce and he panicked. I'm betting his wife is totally clueless and innocent. I say BUST HIM.
Me again..It also sounds like SHE might be going to bust him. It sounds like he called the affair off, or kinda 'put her off', and she might be wanting to call the wife herself or at the very least start checking up on him and (whatever) he has told her. Why else would she want to know his home phone, address etc, now, after all this time? If this is the case, you're not competiting with another man, and might have a chance to save your marriage.
Yep. I think that's very likely what's going on. She did get his home #, too.
LOL I wish I could tell her I knew she was searching for his address and didn't find it, I'd gladly give it to her... :)
In any case, I'm not sure what STARTED whatever happened between them, nor am I sure whatever outcomes there might have been, but it appears he's the one who's now "not talking" to her, and she wants to have a dialog with him (HOW FUCKING IRONIC, ISN'T IT?!) -and- then when you figure in the looking for his home #, yep - I think somehow EL got a sniff off The Other Guy that his wife doesn't really know.
I'm playing it perfectly cool though. Let her decide what she wants to do, I'm just putting the touches on turning the downstairs into "my room" and been ignoring her all day, per her wishes...
Maybe reality is crashing down on her. He may not be all that she thought he was, or she is starting to realize what she is giving up...you, her marriage, and her life. Affairs suck the very soul out of a person.
My husband finally confronted me on it, and at that point I could no longer live with the guilt. It's not a good feeling to live with.
Affairs are not always about sex, there is often so much more involved emotionally.
Counseling individually on my part and with my husband has helped.
I really hope that things can be resolved with your wife, sounds like you really want to try, and from what you posted you sound a lot like him. For one thing, she has to admit that she is at fault, she chose to have an affair and that is her doing and hers alone, you did not make her do this. Your past actions may have not been conducive to a healthy relationship, but that is just an excuse for her actions.
You have seen what your fault is, she needs to do the same.
As I said before, I once walked in your wife's shoes. It is not something I am proud of, I hurt my husband, I hurt my child and I hurt myself. It took a long time and an emotional breakdown on my part before I could stand tall again.
Signed,
Learned the hard way in PA.
What the hell is it about Pennsylvania that causes so many affairs?
Is it the water?
Is it Three Mile Island?
Is it the pheromones from dead horny deer on the side of the road?
Sheesh. We should start www.paaffairs.com
As I am not a man, but a married woman, I would have to say that for at least this married woman the affair was definately not about the sex, it was about having someone to appreciate me, someone to look at me in that certain way, someone to hold me as I cried, someone to love me. Sex was definately not a major component in my affair, since sex didn't often occur even though we had plenty of alone time.
We women often convince ourselves that we are in love with the other man, even when we aren't, this is to justify our behavior.
The last night I was with the other man, (I had actually moved in with him for about a week), I knew that it was wrong, that he was wrong, that I was wrong, that we were wrong together, I laid there in his arms and longed to be home with my husband. The next day I went home.
Sometimes it takes us a long time to realize that what we need is what we already have.
Signed,
Learned the hard way in PA.
P.s. I am sure that affairs occur all over not just in PA.
Oh, I know that it started before the sex, I never doubted that. He is her "emotional" husband, no doubt, and I NEVER deny that I did push her to that point.
I agree with you also, she did make the choice to cross from a friend to a lover, though, so I no longer take ALL the blame, like I did when I first began this blog.
I was a jackass of a husband for 2 years, most definitely. But that she never TRIED to talk to me about it and let it get to this point...yeah, I don't take the blame for that anymore.
I don't know what's up with her right now. I've given her her "space" all day, not talked to her about anything, really basically just avoided her completely.
If she called him or anything, she did it from a payphone or her friend's house - she was gone for a few hours today, but she really was at her friend's, because The Boy came home and talked all about "Aunt Lisa's" so I have no doubt of that. Still, maybe she called his house or his wife from there...LOL.
No idea, I'll try to talk to her tomorrow night, see if she's changed her mind or what's going on.
I am glad you no longer blame yourself, and yes, she should have talked to you way before it got to this point.
I did however try to talk to my husband before I reached that point, and he would blow me off, not taking the time to listen to what I was saying. In my mind I guess, at least at the time, my affair was a very extreme way to wake him up. My counselor told me that I must have been hurting very badly to do what I did, and yes, in part I have to agree with his statement. My husband's neglect of me emotionally hurt and in some ways my affair was a way to hurt him back. It still did not make what I did right. It was at the time I felt the only thing I had to make him see.
It was a combination of things, I guess, payback for my own hurt, escape from the emotional void I had lived in for so long, escape from emotional/verbal abuse that I recieved. My lover was also in a way my hero, my rescuer. In reality, however he was not what I needed. He was, (in restrospect), just an escape from the reality of my life. With him I could pretend that everything was perfect, that what he and I had was perfect. Now as I reflect back, I am sure that it would not have remained as perfect as I thought and eventually I would have sought a way to escape the new trap I had made for myself.
The choices we make in life are not always the best things we can do, what we do in the aftermath of these choices is what matters. We can learn from our mistakes and go on, or we can continue to make the same mistake over and over again.
I have chosen not to fall into that trap again, and now I have no reason to. My husband has realized what he can do to make things better for us, and I choose to be open and honest with him. We both work at our marriage, we communicate to each other.
One thing I learned is that my husband is not responsible for my thoughts, feelings and actions. I am.
signed,
Learned the hard way in PA
Pack your toothbrush. Collect your dignity. Time to leave.
There are millions of lonely women out there who won't jerk you around.
The title of your blog says it all.
Why am I the last man on Earth who thinks it's worth saving his marriage?
So many people are telling me, "Fuck that - I'd have been gone already."
I've got dignity, but I've also got a wife, son, house...9 years of history with EL...
I dunno, I think I need to do what I can to save this mess.
I do agree that you need to call (or better yet go see) the Other Guy's wife ASAP. I think you are trying to avoid that, but I think it is important to find out if she is clueless, and if she is, tell her that YOU were lied to, and you thought she knew and either consented or at least acquiesed to it.
While I wouldn't pack up and leave at this point, I would worry that EL would try the same antics again at the next opportunity....with a single guy. That's why you especially need counseling even if the current affair is over.
SH
SAVING THE MARRIAGE:
Unfortunately, I think that your whole focus has been on saving the marriage. It is a little bit like the dog chasing a car, what do you do when you catch it?
Let's assume that she is dumped by or dumps the other guy. The result is that she stays with you. What do you have at that point? You've got a woman who has made you a cuckold. When, if ever, will you be able to trust her again? Is she staying with you because it is easier and cheaper to be a couple than to be alone? Is she just biding her time until the next affair? The person that cares least about a relationship has control of the relationship. That would be her. Will you ever be able to get the picture of her driving down the road sucking the other guy off out of your head? If you let her hang around, you have to humiliate her a little bit. Make her go get tested for aids and other STD's, I'll bet she hasn't given that a lot of thought.
The marriage can be saved. I am living proof of that. Trust can be rebuilt.
And humiliating her is the last thing you should do. It will only cause more resentment. Yes, she should be checked for STD's, but as a health factor and only as a health factor not as a weapon of destruction.
When my husband and I first started counseling we brought up the trust issue. And you know what the good doctor told us? That neither one of us was worthy of trust. Yep, neither one. I wasn't worthy of trust because I cheated, but neither was he because he broke his vows to love, honor and cherish by not being the husband to me he should have been. It's a two way street with a dominoe effect.
I had to learn how to trust my husband to provide for me emotionally, and he had to learn to trust me physically. And we had to earn each other's trust. I wasn't about to hand my heart over to him again to have him stomp all over it once more. When I started my affair, I was nothing but a shell of the woman I was before, I had no self esteem, or even self worth, I felt like nothing.
Yeah, he has a hard time with it, but I did something that deserves his distrust. It is a lot better than it was, but it was not an over night miracoulous cure either, it takes perserverence, a lot of patience, a lot of tears, and even a lot of fighting to get through it. We both had to take long hard looks at ourselves, my husband because his first wife also cheated on him, he needed to look at his own behavior. I am not blaming my affair on him, I am just trying to show that there is cause and effect in any relationship. Love me and I'll love you back.
Treat me bad and I'll find a way to hurt you back. Cause and effect.
It's been three years and we're still going strong, and the best part is I've fallen in love with my husband all over again.
I hope that you will be able to say the same. Do find a good counseler, if not for both of you, even just for you. Because whether your marriage survives or not, you will have your own set of issues to deal with.
signed,
Learned the hard way in PA.
I honestly don't know what the future may bring. Yes, we'll have a lot of issues to deal with if she decides to TRY to save the marriage.
Right now, she still insists she won't, can't, that it's not right for her to try, that she's miserable, etc. But at least now she's letting some anger out at me.
I know it might be impossible to get beyond, though I take "Learned the Hard Way's" view that it's at least POSSIBLE.
I'm going to counseling already for myself, for my issues that caused this marriage to fail and would ruin any future ones, as much as for dealing with the current situation.
One way or another, I'll be a better man and not make these mistakes towards another person again.
I only HOPE that person is her, that she'll work on it with me and we can see if, behind that emotional wall of anger, resentment and bottled feelings, there might still be some love or a chance for new love.
I'm about to put up a new entry, take a look.
A very fair question I ask myself daily - am I SURE I still love my wife, want my marriage to be good again, and for ALL our sakes and not just selfish reasons?
And am I sure it hasn't become an ego thing, or whatever you want to call it - an "I must prevail!" attitude?
A VERY fair question...so far, the answer is no. I wouldn't do that to any of us. But I keep doing a self-check on that, because it is true what she says - I do have some control freak issues in me...so I watch out for it.
I even ask my therapist the same thing, for a reality check.
As for the amount of time - I do the blog so I don't obsess the REST of the time as much. It's an escape, and therapy, but also a way to organize my thoughts and get them out of my head, where they otherwise just rattle around...y'know?
It doesn't take as long as it looks, they're very stream of conciousness as I'm SURE you've noticed (that's the REAL reason your head hurts!) so I just pour 'em out, go back and change text size on the parenthesis, and post 'em. The long ones might take 20 or 30 minutes that I think is well spent on some peace of mind. The short ones, 5 or 10.
You say you are somewhat of a "control freak".
I have been accused of the same. But it is always by someone (our wives) who are OUT OF control. Especially when there are kids involved, *someone* must be in control.
An affair FOREVER destroys the level of trust you had in your spouse before the affair. You may be able to regain most of the trust, but not all of it. The one thing I have no tolerance at all for is lying. And if I am lied to once, I'll always suspect more lies. Trying to get to the truth is deemed to be "controlling" by integrity-impaired people.
SH
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