Slight clarifications of last night...
So when I wrote that, I was pretty beat and it was all rolling around in my head pretty bad.
Today, I look back and still think the conversation was good. It was nice to get the confrontation out there. I was releived, almost that she "caught" me since I really did want to confront her with it, but had decided not to since it was helpful to me to have something "on her."
She is very lost, confused, and emotional. She maintains she doesn't love me anymore, but that's not the same as admitting she can't. She considered that if in 6 months we were happy, passionate, and beyond all this - she'd like that.
She also says she just wants this to be "over." That's why she wants the divorce - she wants to be "let go" and "free." (Note to Murphy: The quotes mean these are words and phrases she used verbatim. Thanks.)
She sees the divorce as easier than the alternatives - she doesn't WANT to give up the affair. She knows it's a fantasy, she knows he probably won't leave his wife nor does she want him to, she knows it will probably burn itself out very soon. But she admits it makes her feel loved, sexy, thrilled, horny, and excited. "Like I'm in high school again" is how she put it. I couldn't agree more. She ALSO admits it makes her feel guilty, dirty, afraid, and shameful.
"Learned" and Martha and others who have commented, of course, have helped me know this is how she'd be feeling before she said any of that...
I'm sorry, I may be naive and a pollyanna here but I stil l beleive there is hope for this thing.
She just can't see herself breaking off the affair because it's all that makes her happy. I tried to explain, if she doesn't, she's not going to be any happier really.
I don't know where it's going to go.
The strange thing is, she ended up giving me the originals of the email anyway. She didn't care. That I'd found it ruined the thrill and excitement, and of course that depressed her right there.
She also continually said she doesn't want to fight in this divorce, she'd prefer not to go to court at all, she doesn't want me to "use" this evidence (of course!) and all that. She said she was so sincere if we could find a lawyer ASAP she'd put all that in writing right away. I choose to believe her, though I know if it keeps getting worse, angry and bitter she'll change her mind, even tho she swears she won't. She even said she'd give up her rights to the house in exchange for more child support. Fact is, though, I can't afford the mortgage payment on my own AND child support anyway. I could if I got a roommate or if the support was less than $500. Since we're doing joint custody, I think $200-$300 a month seems fair, but she thinks it should be a lot more. I don't, and I do forsee a fight on that if it ends in divorce.
I don't know if I'd fight for full custody, either. I have to ask the lawyer how feasible that is with the proof I have of the affair. It's really not an unfit mother thing to abandon a husband and have an affair, I don't think.
Anyway - that's where it stands. Nowhere really, but a good dialog anyway and maybe some progress. More truth is out and that can never hurt.
Today, I look back and still think the conversation was good. It was nice to get the confrontation out there. I was releived, almost that she "caught" me since I really did want to confront her with it, but had decided not to since it was helpful to me to have something "on her."
She is very lost, confused, and emotional. She maintains she doesn't love me anymore, but that's not the same as admitting she can't. She considered that if in 6 months we were happy, passionate, and beyond all this - she'd like that.
She also says she just wants this to be "over." That's why she wants the divorce - she wants to be "let go" and "free." (Note to Murphy: The quotes mean these are words and phrases she used verbatim. Thanks.)
She sees the divorce as easier than the alternatives - she doesn't WANT to give up the affair. She knows it's a fantasy, she knows he probably won't leave his wife nor does she want him to, she knows it will probably burn itself out very soon. But she admits it makes her feel loved, sexy, thrilled, horny, and excited. "Like I'm in high school again" is how she put it. I couldn't agree more. She ALSO admits it makes her feel guilty, dirty, afraid, and shameful.
"Learned" and Martha and others who have commented, of course, have helped me know this is how she'd be feeling before she said any of that...
I'm sorry, I may be naive and a pollyanna here but I stil l beleive there is hope for this thing.
She just can't see herself breaking off the affair because it's all that makes her happy. I tried to explain, if she doesn't, she's not going to be any happier really.
I don't know where it's going to go.
The strange thing is, she ended up giving me the originals of the email anyway. She didn't care. That I'd found it ruined the thrill and excitement, and of course that depressed her right there.
She also continually said she doesn't want to fight in this divorce, she'd prefer not to go to court at all, she doesn't want me to "use" this evidence (of course!) and all that. She said she was so sincere if we could find a lawyer ASAP she'd put all that in writing right away. I choose to believe her, though I know if it keeps getting worse, angry and bitter she'll change her mind, even tho she swears she won't. She even said she'd give up her rights to the house in exchange for more child support. Fact is, though, I can't afford the mortgage payment on my own AND child support anyway. I could if I got a roommate or if the support was less than $500. Since we're doing joint custody, I think $200-$300 a month seems fair, but she thinks it should be a lot more. I don't, and I do forsee a fight on that if it ends in divorce.
I don't know if I'd fight for full custody, either. I have to ask the lawyer how feasible that is with the proof I have of the affair. It's really not an unfit mother thing to abandon a husband and have an affair, I don't think.
Anyway - that's where it stands. Nowhere really, but a good dialog anyway and maybe some progress. More truth is out and that can never hurt.
posted by Fensty at 10:22 AM
3 Comments:
I'm going to comment on your post below in my own space (eventually) but I think it might be helpful if you think of the affair as an addiction. An addiction that is tightening its coils around her more and more each day. You are right to want her to end the affair before doing anything else. Her response is she "can't."
Sounds like a crack addict; "I'd like to quit, but I can't! It's the only thing that gives me pleasure and joy right now!" Afterwards, she might feel the hangover of the shame and guilt, but then the craving kicks in even stronger.
You can not help the addict until they are ready. And it's difficult enough to live with them. You can hope, you can argue and you can pray. And that's about it. In anycase you both will be in misery the entire time. She may try to break away from the affair, but will always be pulled back. Sounds like she's already living with the futility of that hence she not only quits trying but also works to protect her "supply."
She threatened to leave immediately if you told the other guy's wife. When this first came up, I was with you in that it seemed like pointless revenge. But from an addiction standpoint, it would be a test of how much of a grip this affair has over her senses. OTOH, it might be enough to let the guy know what you know and threaten to tell his wife.
Yes, I like that idea better. Let him know. Don't say you'll tell his wife but let him know you *could* if you really wanted. He doesn't even have to know it's you. Just the fact that someone...anyone....knows his "secret" will be enough to make him sweat bullets. In fact an "unknown" enemy is worse than a known one.
Yes. Write an anonymous letter. Get your PI to get you a picture to enclose with your note. You love your wife, which is fine. You don't have to love the other guy the same way. Let him know that someone has the power to ruin his life as badly as yours is being ruined by him. Further let him know that if says anything to anyone about your note, including EL, you WILL tell his wife and send some very NASTY proof of the affair along with it. Maybe extort some money out of him for your silence while your at it! He deserves to pay.
"Never rub another man's rhubarb."
D.
Digger, I've used the word "addiction" to describe this to JD several times because that is just what it is. I have had an addiction and fight it every single day, every single hour, sometimes even many times per hour.
I agree that he needs to chat with this dude, let him know that it is NOT OK to screw another man's wife. (Sorry for the graphic nature of that sentence, J., but he's gotta get it.)
TC,
D
***just chiming in over the fact i said the word "addicted" two posts ago***
(i am an addict on many levels. i agree with it being something i still fight like hell with on a daily basis, but it is nowhere near where it was, thank you God...it used to be hour-by-hour, minute-to-minute, and that totally sucked...)
~peace guys~
Post a Comment
<< Home