And I was optimistic yesterday?
Well, what a difference a day makes.
She's completely different today - hateful, spiteful, angry. After work she informed me she was going to the mall to get a her own cell phone, so she could have "privacy."
She made "Nyah-nyah" noises at me saying, "You can't handle that can you?" at one point in the conversation later in the evening.
I was stupid for thinking she might have had some kind of breakthrough last night with me. The fact really is, she was so tired she was actually somewhat herself, but now that she went to work all day and was presumably sending her emails back and forth, she came home full of bitterness.
She insists what she's doing isn't wrong. See, I'm brutal now, I keep telling her how wrong it is to be having an affair on her husband, with a married man. I keep mentioning his wife, his life, all that. She is getting pretty pissed off but screw it, I don't care. It's not going to matter anymore I guess.
Yes, now I'm back in the "I think I'll call his wife" mode. I believe I'll do that right before I leave on vacation. Let's see if she packs up and leaves while I'm gone, I'd actually like that at this point.
I still love her, but now she has me pissed off. She denied everything she said last night. She said, "That's what YOU said, not what I said" about most of it, which isn't true. I think she was very tired last night, and shocked by the emails I found, that she revealed more of her true self and feelings than she wanted to, and she's angry and upset about that.
Today she says no, she feels no guilt at all. She thinks there's nothing at all wrong with what she's doing. She stopped loving me a long time ago, but didn't figure it out 'till The Guy came along, but that's not why she's leaving. Whatever, man, I'm sick of it now.
I guess last night was my last optmistic moment?
She still wants to go to counseling tomorrow with me, but she says it's to "make the divorce easier."
She's mad because she says I refuse to accept her choice. That's true, I do. I told her flat out, she's being stupid and immature, which of course just pissed her off more. But I explained - I can't HELP it that this time, it's the truth.
I explained it's not "controlling" behavior to try to save my marriage, to point out to her that having an affair with a married man is wrong any way you look at it.
She keeps using the old high school line of, "If it makes me feel this happy, how can that be wrong?" Of course when I say, you'd feel differently if the tables were turned, she agrees that's true. Yet she doesn't think she's being irrational at all, either.
Everytime I say, "The only thing I'm upset is that you won't TRY" she says, "I can't force myself to feel something I don't." Man that was pissing me off too. I said, "Why when I say "try" do you hear "force." They are two different words." She says, she HAD tried for a long time...and she doesn't seem to see that if she was trying without me knowing there was a problem, that hardly counts. She was trying to force herself to feel love for someone who was being an ass - how the fuck was that supposed to work?
Whatever. Can you tell I'm pissed? We were both pissed off and angry tonight. I cannot BELIEVE I got my hopes up again. She is wallowing in the affair and clearly has no intention of changing her mind, she's not going to let herself. She admits the affair is probably nothing, she admits she doesn't even think she wants to be with the guy - but she still doesn't care, because she doesn't love me and will never be happy with me, wants to start a new life, etc.
To the anon person who posted the last comment on the last entry, about "if your thinking she'll change her mind is driving me (the commentor) crazy, I can only imagine how she feels. I hope your vacation helps."
I agree. She said, she's going crazy because I refuse to accept it. Good, let her get a taste of what I'm living. And I do hope my vacation helps. I really do have to force myself to accept it...that will definitely be the purpose of all my alone time. To really force myself to see it's over forever, regardless of what I want to happen, it's not gonna.
So yeah...now I'm sad and depressed, but oh yes I'm fucking bitter and angry, too.
I of course can't say this to her, but now I'm back in the "I am going to fucking try to get full custody" mode. Probably impossible, but I'll be asking this attorney tomorrow of the feasibility of that. Based on her affair, her complete disregard for the marriage, her complete denial that divorce in any way affects a child...probably the lawyer will tell me to give up the fantasy of full custody, but I may just decide to try. I don't want my son raised by my mother in law, SHE really is nuts, HER mother is LITERALLY nuts (asylum nuts) and I'm starting to think it runs in the family on the female side. Her aunt is one of those weird old ladies who lives in a house with no hot water or electricity, with old newspapers stacked to the ceiling, that kinda thing - and two of her female cousins are also functioning schizophrenics. Shit, I never thought about it 'till I typed all that out, but damn if that might not be something for my case right there. The female side of that family definitely all have mental problems.
Yeah, I know, ironic ME talking about other people's mental problems, but hey, it doesn't make it less true.
I think before I leave for the long trip, what I might do, is drive over to the dude's house some night with copies of all the emails, and call the house. Whoever answers, I talk to. If it's him, I say "Hey, Guy, it's JD. You know, EL's husband? I think it's time we talk. I'm outside. And yeah, I don't think you better tell EL about this conversation, either. I think you need to come see what EL left lying around for me to find, before you take any drastic actions..."
If it's his wife, "Hi, I'm JD...do you know me? Well, I sort of know your husband. Can you take a message? Write my # down...thanks. OK, I wanted you to have that in case you got mad and hung up the phone - we need to talk, wifey - your husband is having an affair with my wife. I know it's hard to believe, but I've got the proof right here..." etc.
If I talk to the guy, I promise I will have him shitting his pants, and probably, really pissed off at EL for being so stupid as to leave Emails like that where I could find them. They ABSOLUTELY, positively, would get them both fired. I have no doubt of that at all.
I even know how to approach that one, should I really decide to do that (unlikely) - I'm going to feign ignorance, call her work, and ask to speak to the director of the call center...not her direct supervisor or boss, 'cuz they might try to intercept. Nope, I'm going to say I've got evidence of sexual harrassment and I need to speak to the big boss immediately. Once I get him on the phone, I'm going to play the concerned, heartbroken husband who's upset that his poor wife is being sexually harassed by this ass at work.
Of course, once he reads over the Email he'll see she's a willing participant, but that's not the point, is it?
Anyway...that's my fantasy. I probably won't do that, won't even threaten it, because if I do need to do it, I want that to be a surprise.
The reality is definitely, though, that I'll have the other guy shitting WORRYING that I will. Also that I'll tell his wife, and no telling what SHE might do. I sort of hope he answers when I call, I'd like to confront him on this.
And yes, people, I WILL BE leaving my handgun at home that evening...trust me, haven't I said enough times I know how to handle myself safely and responsibly? I do "pack" just about all the time, because I believe I have the right as an American to do so, I've got a CCW permit, and I'm trained to do things properly, so why not? But, there would be no need to have that there, it could only lead to trouble if he actually starts a fight with me or something...having a weapon would not be a good thing if that happened. I actually think it would be pretty funny if he'd take a swing at me...lol. I wouldn't fight back, I'd walk away, and boy would that ever help my case, plus the assault charges would be fun to file.
I so doubt that though. A guy like that, sneaking around on his wife, and probably on my wife too, has to be a coward.
So, anyway - bitterness and anger in today's entry, eh? What a terrible waste of a good marriage.
Am I being unfair? I'd love to be told I am, by some more anonymous readers who've never commented before.
Is it WRONG of me to think she's being stupid? Am I having a superior attitude by thinking she's wrong to say that, just because she can't feel love for me at this time in these circumstances, that she's stupid for not trying?
Please, give me a reality check here. Can a woman truly just wake up one day after a few months of having to change most of the diapers while her husband sleeps in on weekends, decide she's "out of love" and just quit and walk away without talking to him, or trying to save anything?
I'm being sincere - please tell me if that IS perfectly rational and normal, and something I just need to accept...
I need to work on a new list of lawyer questions for tomorrow's consultation.
She's completely different today - hateful, spiteful, angry. After work she informed me she was going to the mall to get a her own cell phone, so she could have "privacy."
She made "Nyah-nyah" noises at me saying, "You can't handle that can you?" at one point in the conversation later in the evening.
I was stupid for thinking she might have had some kind of breakthrough last night with me. The fact really is, she was so tired she was actually somewhat herself, but now that she went to work all day and was presumably sending her emails back and forth, she came home full of bitterness.
She insists what she's doing isn't wrong. See, I'm brutal now, I keep telling her how wrong it is to be having an affair on her husband, with a married man. I keep mentioning his wife, his life, all that. She is getting pretty pissed off but screw it, I don't care. It's not going to matter anymore I guess.
Yes, now I'm back in the "I think I'll call his wife" mode. I believe I'll do that right before I leave on vacation. Let's see if she packs up and leaves while I'm gone, I'd actually like that at this point.
I still love her, but now she has me pissed off. She denied everything she said last night. She said, "That's what YOU said, not what I said" about most of it, which isn't true. I think she was very tired last night, and shocked by the emails I found, that she revealed more of her true self and feelings than she wanted to, and she's angry and upset about that.
Today she says no, she feels no guilt at all. She thinks there's nothing at all wrong with what she's doing. She stopped loving me a long time ago, but didn't figure it out 'till The Guy came along, but that's not why she's leaving. Whatever, man, I'm sick of it now.
I guess last night was my last optmistic moment?
She still wants to go to counseling tomorrow with me, but she says it's to "make the divorce easier."
She's mad because she says I refuse to accept her choice. That's true, I do. I told her flat out, she's being stupid and immature, which of course just pissed her off more. But I explained - I can't HELP it that this time, it's the truth.
I explained it's not "controlling" behavior to try to save my marriage, to point out to her that having an affair with a married man is wrong any way you look at it.
She keeps using the old high school line of, "If it makes me feel this happy, how can that be wrong?" Of course when I say, you'd feel differently if the tables were turned, she agrees that's true. Yet she doesn't think she's being irrational at all, either.
Everytime I say, "The only thing I'm upset is that you won't TRY" she says, "I can't force myself to feel something I don't." Man that was pissing me off too. I said, "Why when I say "try" do you hear "force." They are two different words." She says, she HAD tried for a long time...and she doesn't seem to see that if she was trying without me knowing there was a problem, that hardly counts. She was trying to force herself to feel love for someone who was being an ass - how the fuck was that supposed to work?
Whatever. Can you tell I'm pissed? We were both pissed off and angry tonight. I cannot BELIEVE I got my hopes up again. She is wallowing in the affair and clearly has no intention of changing her mind, she's not going to let herself. She admits the affair is probably nothing, she admits she doesn't even think she wants to be with the guy - but she still doesn't care, because she doesn't love me and will never be happy with me, wants to start a new life, etc.
To the anon person who posted the last comment on the last entry, about "if your thinking she'll change her mind is driving me (the commentor) crazy, I can only imagine how she feels. I hope your vacation helps."
I agree. She said, she's going crazy because I refuse to accept it. Good, let her get a taste of what I'm living. And I do hope my vacation helps. I really do have to force myself to accept it...that will definitely be the purpose of all my alone time. To really force myself to see it's over forever, regardless of what I want to happen, it's not gonna.
So yeah...now I'm sad and depressed, but oh yes I'm fucking bitter and angry, too.
I of course can't say this to her, but now I'm back in the "I am going to fucking try to get full custody" mode. Probably impossible, but I'll be asking this attorney tomorrow of the feasibility of that. Based on her affair, her complete disregard for the marriage, her complete denial that divorce in any way affects a child...probably the lawyer will tell me to give up the fantasy of full custody, but I may just decide to try. I don't want my son raised by my mother in law, SHE really is nuts, HER mother is LITERALLY nuts (asylum nuts) and I'm starting to think it runs in the family on the female side. Her aunt is one of those weird old ladies who lives in a house with no hot water or electricity, with old newspapers stacked to the ceiling, that kinda thing - and two of her female cousins are also functioning schizophrenics. Shit, I never thought about it 'till I typed all that out, but damn if that might not be something for my case right there. The female side of that family definitely all have mental problems.
Yeah, I know, ironic ME talking about other people's mental problems, but hey, it doesn't make it less true.
I think before I leave for the long trip, what I might do, is drive over to the dude's house some night with copies of all the emails, and call the house. Whoever answers, I talk to. If it's him, I say "Hey, Guy, it's JD. You know, EL's husband? I think it's time we talk. I'm outside. And yeah, I don't think you better tell EL about this conversation, either. I think you need to come see what EL left lying around for me to find, before you take any drastic actions..."
If it's his wife, "Hi, I'm JD...do you know me? Well, I sort of know your husband. Can you take a message? Write my # down...thanks. OK, I wanted you to have that in case you got mad and hung up the phone - we need to talk, wifey - your husband is having an affair with my wife. I know it's hard to believe, but I've got the proof right here..." etc.
If I talk to the guy, I promise I will have him shitting his pants, and probably, really pissed off at EL for being so stupid as to leave Emails like that where I could find them. They ABSOLUTELY, positively, would get them both fired. I have no doubt of that at all.
I even know how to approach that one, should I really decide to do that (unlikely) - I'm going to feign ignorance, call her work, and ask to speak to the director of the call center...not her direct supervisor or boss, 'cuz they might try to intercept. Nope, I'm going to say I've got evidence of sexual harrassment and I need to speak to the big boss immediately. Once I get him on the phone, I'm going to play the concerned, heartbroken husband who's upset that his poor wife is being sexually harassed by this ass at work.
Of course, once he reads over the Email he'll see she's a willing participant, but that's not the point, is it?
Anyway...that's my fantasy. I probably won't do that, won't even threaten it, because if I do need to do it, I want that to be a surprise.
The reality is definitely, though, that I'll have the other guy shitting WORRYING that I will. Also that I'll tell his wife, and no telling what SHE might do. I sort of hope he answers when I call, I'd like to confront him on this.
And yes, people, I WILL BE leaving my handgun at home that evening...trust me, haven't I said enough times I know how to handle myself safely and responsibly? I do "pack" just about all the time, because I believe I have the right as an American to do so, I've got a CCW permit, and I'm trained to do things properly, so why not? But, there would be no need to have that there, it could only lead to trouble if he actually starts a fight with me or something...having a weapon would not be a good thing if that happened. I actually think it would be pretty funny if he'd take a swing at me...lol. I wouldn't fight back, I'd walk away, and boy would that ever help my case, plus the assault charges would be fun to file.
I so doubt that though. A guy like that, sneaking around on his wife, and probably on my wife too, has to be a coward.
So, anyway - bitterness and anger in today's entry, eh? What a terrible waste of a good marriage.
Am I being unfair? I'd love to be told I am, by some more anonymous readers who've never commented before.
Is it WRONG of me to think she's being stupid? Am I having a superior attitude by thinking she's wrong to say that, just because she can't feel love for me at this time in these circumstances, that she's stupid for not trying?
Please, give me a reality check here. Can a woman truly just wake up one day after a few months of having to change most of the diapers while her husband sleeps in on weekends, decide she's "out of love" and just quit and walk away without talking to him, or trying to save anything?
I'm being sincere - please tell me if that IS perfectly rational and normal, and something I just need to accept...
I need to work on a new list of lawyer questions for tomorrow's consultation.
posted by Fensty at 8:32 PM
9 Comments:
Falling out of love doesn't happen over night. It is a gradual thing, a day to day thing.
Remember love needs to be nurtured, it needs to be fed, when that is missing, love dies.
But it also can come back. Love can lie dormant, when you think it is totally dead, there can be a small flicker of life and it can be brought back to full blown life.
Your wife's behavior is typical. She is on an emotional roller coaster that is careening out of control, she will say one thing one day and say something totally different the next. She will continue this until she crashes, emotionally. It is emotionally draining to stay on that roller coaster.
You have every right to be pissed, stay pissed.
But don't give up hope either.
Amazingly it was my husband's anger over the situation that brought me back to him. That was when I realized that he did truly love me, otherwise why would he feel so deeply over this. If he didn't love me, he wouldn't have cared.
As for telling the other man or his wife, well, that is up to you. But how long does this man think he can keep this a secret anyway? I take he works with your wife? Guaranteed someone is talking about them.
I worked with the man I was having an affair with, by the time it was over everyone in that place knew. As a matter of fact it was someone I worked with who told my husband. He already suspected, this other person only confirmed it.
When I went back to my husband, I quit my job. I could not work in a place where I would see him.
You know what is not fair? That this poor woman he is married to has no clue. How many women has this man been with? Does he at least use protection? What about this woman's health? Does he even care that he may be exposing her to something? What about what he is exposing your wife to?
I think back and I realize just how STUPID and selfish I was. Reading this just confirms it.
No one deserves to be hurt like this. But if it was my husband I would want to know.
Signed,
Learned the hard way in PA.
Funny you should mention protection. At first, at least, they were using condoms, as evidenced by the fact I found them.
Now, she's got "contraceptive inserts" in her purse. Great. Not that I was planning to have sex with her again (probably ever) but that just shows even more how stupid she is.
I am sure the guy plays around besides with my wife. SHE refuses to believe that, can't see it, etc. but come on. Plus my wife claims his wife is having an affair (no idea if that's true of course) so who knows what this guy is picking up.
Interesting, I can add that to my list of stupid things she's doing.
I would laugh my ass off at this point if she got pregnant, I really would. That's how angry I am now. Fuck, if I found condoms in her purse, I'd pinprick the fuckers at this point. But those inserts are less effetive than a condom with a hole, anyway. Oh please let her get knocked up...LOL.
She's finally suceeded, I think, in pissing me off to the point where now I don't give a fuck, I'm calling his wife for certain, right before I leave for vacation. Telling her all this, and letting them sort it out while I'm on the beach. Should make for an interesting Thanksgiving.
Maybe leave some of the Emails I found in her parent's mailbox, too. That might make them think twice over just who's at fault here, too.
I'm sorry, the needle has swung way over the other way. Right this minute, she's succeeded in making me NOT want to be married anymore, either.
That'll change by tomorrow I'm sure.
If you resolve your differences, make damn sure she gets tested for EVERYTHING before you sleep with her again.
Don't do anything rash in your anger. Your anger is justified, but try to think things through.
And it sure wouldn't be a good thing if she got pregnant, what happens if you two do resolve things? Do you really want to end up raising this asshole's kid?
signed,
Learned the Hard Way in PA.
Sorry, remember, I'm pissed right now, so, right now resolving the issues isn't in my mind.
Certainly I wouldn't want his kid, and it's dangerous for her to get pregnant anyway.
But right now, I'm not thinking that way.
Don't worry, I'm not going to do anything crazy or without thinking it through. I'm just venting off some of this anger right now.
Well, I don't know for sure when I'll catch him gone and her home. I won't have a lot of chances to pussy around it, either, I don't want to do it until the day I leave...lol. Not that I'm a wimp, but I just don't want the confrontation with my wife at that point.
If I have to, I'll just leave copies of the stuff somewhere outside their house (bushes, whatever) in a plastic bag, and call while I'm on the road, wait 'till I get his wife on the phone, and then tell her where to find it. :)
Anyway, yeah, I hope I enjoy my trip too. I might try to get my doc to give me another week. I'll still have paid time left. :)
..Bag..in the bushes?! For heavens sake. Tell the OM's wife face to face, or at least voice to voice. She might be completely and utterly innocent in what is happening, so DO try to be a bit nice to her if she is.
And if she doesn't want to believe it, YOU of all people can understand. 'Specially after all the time you've spent hiding and running from the facts.
You didn't read what I was saying. I don't have a lot of time to putz around with this, I'm leaving on vacation. If I can't get a meeting with her the day I'm leaving, or at least talk to her then, I'll have to keep trying "from the road" so to speak.
As such, when I finally get through to her, I'm going to need to give her some proof, y'see?
Yeah, it sounds a little cloak-and-dagger to me, too. "Hi, go look in the bushes, you'll find the proof" but I don't have a lot of options, do I? If I knew which car was hers, and could figure out their schedules, that'd be another option, but I really do NOT want to go into full-on "stalker" mode here...stake out their house for 2 days and watch their comings and goings. Though, admittedly, it might be funny. LOL.
Maybe, I WILL swing past there tomorrow after I drop off The Boy at his grandmother's...if I go early enough, might catch them leaving for work.
For awhile I was afraid my wife might've told him "watch out for a Red Mustang Convertible, Black Mustang T-Top, or Red Eclipse" but now I doubt it, because it's become clear to me she's never told him that I know so much. In fact she's never told him at all.
She didn't like when I pointed that out to her, either. "Oh, so not only have you been lying and keeping secrets from me, but from your new boyfriend, too? Way to start out on a good solid footing there, EL..."
Not that an affair is ever a solid footing, but again, in HER mind, this is a perfectly acceptable little romance for the two of them...nothing unseemly about it at all to her. Though she won't TELL anyone about it.
People really can lie to themselves, as I've been saying (mostly about myself) all along.
JD
JD, I have to agree with what the other Anon wrote above. I know you may not have the time but you may need to MAKE the time to speak with the OG's wife in person. To leave the evidence in the bushes could lead her to believe that someone was just trying to pull an elaborate hoax OR worse, the other guy might find the bag of evidence before his wife does and dispose of it before she sees it. Just TOO risky to my mind.
Hmm, ok, yeah, in the light of morning and on reflection of your comments, I guess that would look a little weird.
I guess maybe I'll just have to start trying to get in touch with her sooner, and let the shit hit the fan while I'm still in town. Wasn't my preference though. But yeah, don't see a good alternative...
I might try as soon as tomorrow night. My wife claims she has a "business meeting that's going to turn into a dinner with clients" that I no longer believe.
In fact, for months she's been telling me about how her job duties are "expanding soon" and she'll be needing to go out "in the field" a lot more to "meet clients" and possibly take more trips. I now wonder if that's all an elaborate setup.
Likewise, my Dad said last time she was down in Florida (the weekend before this all started) she was pushing really hard for my dad and his wife to encourage ME to come down there for a week with The Boy.
Also, I feel, not a coincidence. What a conniver. At my worst "manipulation", I don't think I'd have pulled a move that brazen.
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