Have I Been Emotionally Abused?
This is not sarcasm. Have I been emotionally abused?
I've been told I'm just one step away from beating my wife.
I'm told I'm one step away from beating my son.
I'm told that because I wanted to work hard for my family, and succeed in business, and suck up to my boss, that that meant I didn't love my wife and son.
I'm told that because I dared to ask my wife to stop going on vacations with her mom and our son, while leaving me at home...I was a scary control freak.
I'm told that because I found out my wife was cheating on me, and I decided to read her email, it meant I was the most terrible dangerous stalker that ever lived.
I'm told I terrorized my family and made them fear for their lives.
Mind you, there is no proof of any of this. This was all someone's opinion. I was told that because I sometimes got angry enough to kick the door or throw a wrench or a dishrack in an empty kitchen, I was a danger to myself and others.
I was told I could never change, that I'd always be this good for nothing abusive bastard.
I was told I was no longer attractive because I'd gained weight.
So, I ask you - was I emotionally abused?
Just playing devil's advocate here. I'm being provocative, sure, but I'm also sincere. I was told a lot of things that weren't true, in an effort to make me feel things were my fault that were not entirely so. I was fed an altered worldview of things by someone who should have been my partner in life and the one person who I could love and trust to be truthful and honest. I was made to believe I was a monster for being human.
I've been told I'm just one step away from beating my wife.
I'm told I'm one step away from beating my son.
I'm told that because I wanted to work hard for my family, and succeed in business, and suck up to my boss, that that meant I didn't love my wife and son.
I'm told that because I dared to ask my wife to stop going on vacations with her mom and our son, while leaving me at home...I was a scary control freak.
I'm told that because I found out my wife was cheating on me, and I decided to read her email, it meant I was the most terrible dangerous stalker that ever lived.
I'm told I terrorized my family and made them fear for their lives.
Mind you, there is no proof of any of this. This was all someone's opinion. I was told that because I sometimes got angry enough to kick the door or throw a wrench or a dishrack in an empty kitchen, I was a danger to myself and others.
I was told I could never change, that I'd always be this good for nothing abusive bastard.
I was told I was no longer attractive because I'd gained weight.
So, I ask you - was I emotionally abused?
Just playing devil's advocate here. I'm being provocative, sure, but I'm also sincere. I was told a lot of things that weren't true, in an effort to make me feel things were my fault that were not entirely so. I was fed an altered worldview of things by someone who should have been my partner in life and the one person who I could love and trust to be truthful and honest. I was made to believe I was a monster for being human.
posted by Fensty at 9:53 PM
1 Comments:
Um ... I'll pick THIS one to respond to. I'm sure this is in response to my comment to your post below.
Yes, I think that if she said hateful hurtful things to you without apologizing, and you trusted her enough to at least halfway believe them, you were emotionally abused at some point. I've been in control relationships before in which he has said awful things, but the next day apologized, said he didn't mean them, that he was angry and just trying to hurt me, and I forgave him. If she let you continue to believe the things she said and never retracted or modified them, but fed off your reactions to them as a way to have power over you, it was probably emotional abuse.
Your paraphrasing is very general though. For instance, "wanting to work hard for your family" - does that mean "putting in extra hours" or "missing important times in our lives like birthdays". Much of these things have to do with perspective. And some of this stuff - like the reading email, is reactionary to a threat. Did you ask her to stop going on vacations without you because you COULDN'T go because of work, or because you didn't want to go? My X2B has refused to take a vacation in five years, losing vacation time as a result. If he made me stay home because he didn't want to take time off, that would be as controlling as someone telling you, "no, you can take off, but you are not welcome to come with us."
With much of what you write, JD, I can't sense the perspective, which is what confuses me. A lot of this is ambiguous and could go either way. I don't know if you work on the assumption that your reader is starting from the same point you are, or what. But you have to realize that I'm on the other side of the fence from you ... just today a woman posted to my blog that in her professional experience, "'minor' violence like hitting walls and throwing little objects almost always escalates." I know you would take offense to this personally, while I would nod my head in agreement. I always wonder if I was unjustified in assuming that eventually the violence would be passed on to my body. I did not think it worth my safety to stay and find out. His anger management techniques, even after professional counseling, have not changed. Yours have. Statistically, you and my X2B seem to be on opposite sides of the fence. But I am one of your FEW readers, who, based on my recent personal experiences, is not ready to see things from your point of view as soon as I start reading them.
So I ask you (rhetorically): did you feel threatened? Did you begin to get depressed by the things she said? Did you lose your self-esteem, begin to believe you were a worthless human being, even if something inside you fought against it? If so, you were probably emotionally abused. If not, you just experienced a lot of bad things said to you which you did not subscribe to and therefore were not traumatized by.
Enough of it, on a daily basis, with no dissenting opinions, will eat at your self-esteem to the point that you don't even want to look up at the image in the mirror anymore. THAT is what I'm talking about.
Anyway, I've told you I'm not a psychiatrist. Sure, I will admit I was not an abused wife, but I believe I suffered some abuse on some level, because it long-term affected my self-worth and what I thought I deserved from life. You can make light of it as much as you want; I don't think any man understands how much women have to conform to men's expectations in society in general. Enough people have been questioning me lately if I did enough to save my marriage. The answer is, I did not sacrifice my sanity, my health, or my self-worth, so I am satisfied with my decision, even though you could argue, NO, I did not do enough to save my marriage if I did not give these things to him too. That's your opinion and you're entitled to it, just as you're entitled to say I did not suffer any kind of abuse.
All I know is that I am afraid of men, afraid of humanity, and afraid of love and commitment in general, while still yearning for it. No one who knew me at 24 would expect that in me now. Maybe I DID bring it on myself and maybe I DID deserve it. But I'm not wasting time on the what-ifs. I'm determined to move on and ignore those who want to belittle what I feel my life-changing experiences really were.
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