OK. Enough is Enough. I am OUT.
OK, well, I have to start this out with an admission of failure.
My "stop snooping" didn't last as long as it should've. Now, I've had many ample opportunities to snoop in the last 3 days and have not, which I guess shows I've gotten a little better.
Anyway, she came into the house at 8:00pm with The Boy, and informed me he was sick that day, she had taken him to the doctor at 4:30 (her mom brought him to where she worked and they went together) and then went out to dinner/shopping as they had planned.
Now, I ask you, is it wrong of me to have been a little bit testy at that? I asked why she didn't just call me, I could've taken him - I was home all day. Her mom could have just been an adult about this situation (OK, that's mean maybe, as I'm not being very adult about parts of it myself, but I have never been uncivil to her mom in anything, I'm bigger than that, my issues are with EL and EL only) and called me herself, or at the very least had EL call me.
But, no. And then, if The Boy was sick with a sore throat and earache, why the heck did they then drag him out shopping and a restaurant instead of bringing him HOME to his DADDY to take care of?
"Oh, well, we didn't know where you were," was her reply.
I explained that, you know, not only does she have MY 2nd wireless phone (my company gives me 1 for me and 1 for a family member) but of course she went out and bought her OWN as well. And her mom has one. And I have one, and we have a home phone. It's really not all that hard for us to make contact.
I just said, all you had to do was call. You could have at least called me to let me know our boy was sick and you were taking him to the doctor.
OK, well, that's not integral to the story, but it explains why I was a bit pissed off tonight to begin with.
So then she goes upstairs, I come up, we fuss over him a bit, give him his medicine, she goes to put him to bed.
Now she comes out around 10, and gets on the computer. Is very cagey...comes over twice to look down the stairs and see what I'm doing. I notice this but don't say anything. I hear the printer go a few minutes later.
So, here's where I failed, I admit it. I waited until she went to sleep, then went up to investigate. I know, wrong. I've only lasted 2 days in my quest to stop spying. -sigh-
But read on, and you'll see why, as wrong as it is, I'm glad I did. And, part of me still thinks she WANTS to get caught with this stuff she's doing.
So, I log into the computer. I decide to log in "as her" since I haven't done that in ages (ever since I showed her how to clean her email cache and stuff in fact) and would see if anything had changed, like her screen name for Yahoo or anything like that.
Well...guess what, she put Yahoo back on autologin, even after I taught her how not to. So you know what? Tough titty. (no pun intended, read on)
Oh, by the way........This time, fuck her and fuck her privacy or not embarrasing her in this blog. Fuck it all, I don't care. She's lucky I just don't post the fucking Email right here. And the other one I saw in her sent items.
To think I was STILL thinking I could forgive and trust again, if we worked at it? That maybe we could someday look back on this as a time of strife and pain that we got through?
Nope. Don't think so anymore. My friends, if you EVER see that I'm contemplating staying married, please remind me of this blog entry.
So, this was odd - in her email (since she had IM autologin, it went right to email also with no password...) was an email from herself at work, to her home address. With "Fwd attached" as the subject.
Interesting? Oh yes indeed. But first, just some minor stuff:
A few more pages of graphic talk. Nothing new there.
A comment about me being out the other night, which annoyed: "Yeah, he was out from 9 'till I don't know when, but still up at 6. He's back to his old patterns, up all night, sleeping all day. He was asleep when I got home from work - at 5pm"
Um, bullshit. I was still up at 6 because I'd just gotten home (which I guess she didn't know, but ok...) but I certainly didnt "sleep all day" as she well knows, because I kept The Boy home with me that day so was up at 8:30 when he got up. I took him to day care at 1pm so he could have a few hours of social time like usual and I could get some cleaning done here, came home, cleaned up, then lay down at 4pm for a nap before I'd go pick him up at 5:30. Any or all of which I'd be happy to have told her if she'd asked. Well, we're way beyond the stage of her asking or idle conversation, but if she had concerns that I'd "slept all day" or something she could've asked what I did.
OK, then another comment following his asking, "Where was he?" that is about 10% of the reason I say don't let me stay married to this woman for any reason: "Oh, I honestly hope he got laid. Then maybe he'd leave me alone. He thinks I'll be jealous. He said something disgusting the other night...."
(If I thought she'd be jealous, wouldn't I have made sure she knew where I was going and what time I got home? And besides, I've no doubt she wouldn't be. She just doesn't care at all. I knew that already last weekend, it's why it's finally sunk in what's really going on, and why I was depressed and finally accepting the reality of all this...)
So he asked what, she said "Something about my nipples were visible in my shirt and he said, 'What, are you aroused?'"
(Note: I did say that, after we had an argument on Monday night I think it was, and it was a remark meant to say basically, "look how much you enjoy arguing." I didn't imply she was sexually aroused for me, please...)
OK, that's annoying - she thinks THAT remark was disgusting, but the 19 pages of graphic sex talk about what she likes and dislikes men (and women) to do to her was just fine...and wait 'till the kicker coming up here....
(I'm going to paraphase now just to make it shorter, this was actually about 5 back-and-forth's between them...)
"Guess what I was going to do last night? I wanted to make a personal ad, to find a couple for a threesome. Who'd be my partner? You, of course, if you want. No, not with 2 guys, that's not my thing at all. But I couldn't find a recent picture of me. Yes, I guess I should have a picture of you. How do I get it off your profile? I'm not sur ehow to do that. OK, yeah, email me a picture. To home or work? Work would be easier."
Let's just let that sink in.
(pause)
...
(pause)
...
Yeah. A threesome. Hey, look, I'm not being a prude here, what guy doesn't want his wife to have a threesome with him and another chick? (well I know there are plenty of guys that don't want that, but I'm not one of them, I'm free to admit... :) ) I'm certainly not adverse to or surprised by the idea of her bisexuality talk, we've been together 9 years, we've talked about many things of that nature and more, of course. I know what she likes and doesn't like, and what experiences she's had in the past. So I'm not saying I'm disgusted by it or anything, I'd be a hypocrite if so.
But, still....it speaks volumes about the depths of her depravity in this situation, and her remarkable indiscretion and, dare I say, stupidity?
PLEASE...EL. PLEASE. I BEG YOU...PLEASE make such a personal ad. PLEASE put your picture and the Other Guy's picture on it. PLEASE be graphic in what you are looking for. PLEASE do this quickly, so I can find it, and archive it.
Because if you do that, I will win full custody in court. I'm pretty f'ing sure of that. And after reading all that, I think I need to.
And THANK YOU for once again, EL, using work email to document this for me, so you could never claim I "made it myself" or anything like that.
Listen...I know I'm wrong for spying. I know I've resolved not to and it lasted all of 48 hours. I know. How many chances I let go by in those 48 hours doesn't count, I still gave in and did it.
But, you know, this is why I do it. I'm GLAD I found that! It DOES help me. I'm still going to try to avoid doing it, but now to be honest, I almost have to continue monitoring the computer for what websites she's looking for (of course I taught her how to protect herself from that, but since my computer down here is the network server, I can packet-sniff URLs at least and find her personal ad if she ever makes one) so that if she goes through with such a remarkably stupid idea, I will have it.
Guess what, there's one more thing, that even more than the threesome thing (because, hey like I said, that's really not so much a stretch is it, she's cheating me already why not add more to the party with the Other Guy, right?) makes me sure I will never stay married to this woman now. Never.
What was it? An email in her sent items. An email from her to a completely different email address than the Other Guy's home or work email. One at an @aol.com address (which he does not have.)
One that was flirty and suggestive and sent to someone the night I wasn't home, saying, "Yeah, I'm OK, my husband isn't home tonight, you know..." and some other stuff.
So...what do you know. She's starting it with some OTHER GUY already?!? The screen name suggested it might be someone else who works at her company.
Un-mother-fucking-believable. She signs "I love you" to her emails to The Other Guy, but she's also looking to get with someone else?
You know, she may be right. She really isn't getting a divorce because of the Other Guy, she's getting one because she's a fucking whore. Yeah, I said it. About time maybe.
Angry? Yeah, I am.
Relieved? Yeah, that too. I needed to find that. I truly did.
I'm done. I'm out. Fini. Nada. Zilch. Zero. Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.
I'm serious. Mark this in your own blogs, folks. If I EVER again say I want to stay married to this woman, remind me. "December 10th, JD."
Sorta makes all those comments about whether or not to tell the Other Guy's wife pretty fucking moot at this point.
My "stop snooping" didn't last as long as it should've. Now, I've had many ample opportunities to snoop in the last 3 days and have not, which I guess shows I've gotten a little better.
Anyway, she came into the house at 8:00pm with The Boy, and informed me he was sick that day, she had taken him to the doctor at 4:30 (her mom brought him to where she worked and they went together) and then went out to dinner/shopping as they had planned.
Now, I ask you, is it wrong of me to have been a little bit testy at that? I asked why she didn't just call me, I could've taken him - I was home all day. Her mom could have just been an adult about this situation (OK, that's mean maybe, as I'm not being very adult about parts of it myself, but I have never been uncivil to her mom in anything, I'm bigger than that, my issues are with EL and EL only) and called me herself, or at the very least had EL call me.
But, no. And then, if The Boy was sick with a sore throat and earache, why the heck did they then drag him out shopping and a restaurant instead of bringing him HOME to his DADDY to take care of?
"Oh, well, we didn't know where you were," was her reply.
I explained that, you know, not only does she have MY 2nd wireless phone (my company gives me 1 for me and 1 for a family member) but of course she went out and bought her OWN as well. And her mom has one. And I have one, and we have a home phone. It's really not all that hard for us to make contact.
I just said, all you had to do was call. You could have at least called me to let me know our boy was sick and you were taking him to the doctor.
OK, well, that's not integral to the story, but it explains why I was a bit pissed off tonight to begin with.
So then she goes upstairs, I come up, we fuss over him a bit, give him his medicine, she goes to put him to bed.
Now she comes out around 10, and gets on the computer. Is very cagey...comes over twice to look down the stairs and see what I'm doing. I notice this but don't say anything. I hear the printer go a few minutes later.
So, here's where I failed, I admit it. I waited until she went to sleep, then went up to investigate. I know, wrong. I've only lasted 2 days in my quest to stop spying. -sigh-
But read on, and you'll see why, as wrong as it is, I'm glad I did. And, part of me still thinks she WANTS to get caught with this stuff she's doing.
So, I log into the computer. I decide to log in "as her" since I haven't done that in ages (ever since I showed her how to clean her email cache and stuff in fact) and would see if anything had changed, like her screen name for Yahoo or anything like that.
Well...guess what, she put Yahoo back on autologin, even after I taught her how not to. So you know what? Tough titty. (no pun intended, read on)
Oh, by the way........This time, fuck her and fuck her privacy or not embarrasing her in this blog. Fuck it all, I don't care. She's lucky I just don't post the fucking Email right here. And the other one I saw in her sent items.
To think I was STILL thinking I could forgive and trust again, if we worked at it? That maybe we could someday look back on this as a time of strife and pain that we got through?
Nope. Don't think so anymore. My friends, if you EVER see that I'm contemplating staying married, please remind me of this blog entry.
So, this was odd - in her email (since she had IM autologin, it went right to email also with no password...) was an email from herself at work, to her home address. With "Fwd attached" as the subject.
Interesting? Oh yes indeed. But first, just some minor stuff:
A few more pages of graphic talk. Nothing new there.
A comment about me being out the other night, which annoyed: "Yeah, he was out from 9 'till I don't know when, but still up at 6. He's back to his old patterns, up all night, sleeping all day. He was asleep when I got home from work - at 5pm"
Um, bullshit. I was still up at 6 because I'd just gotten home (which I guess she didn't know, but ok...) but I certainly didnt "sleep all day" as she well knows, because I kept The Boy home with me that day so was up at 8:30 when he got up. I took him to day care at 1pm so he could have a few hours of social time like usual and I could get some cleaning done here, came home, cleaned up, then lay down at 4pm for a nap before I'd go pick him up at 5:30. Any or all of which I'd be happy to have told her if she'd asked. Well, we're way beyond the stage of her asking or idle conversation, but if she had concerns that I'd "slept all day" or something she could've asked what I did.
OK, then another comment following his asking, "Where was he?" that is about 10% of the reason I say don't let me stay married to this woman for any reason: "Oh, I honestly hope he got laid. Then maybe he'd leave me alone. He thinks I'll be jealous. He said something disgusting the other night...."
(If I thought she'd be jealous, wouldn't I have made sure she knew where I was going and what time I got home? And besides, I've no doubt she wouldn't be. She just doesn't care at all. I knew that already last weekend, it's why it's finally sunk in what's really going on, and why I was depressed and finally accepting the reality of all this...)
So he asked what, she said "Something about my nipples were visible in my shirt and he said, 'What, are you aroused?'"
(Note: I did say that, after we had an argument on Monday night I think it was, and it was a remark meant to say basically, "look how much you enjoy arguing." I didn't imply she was sexually aroused for me, please...)
OK, that's annoying - she thinks THAT remark was disgusting, but the 19 pages of graphic sex talk about what she likes and dislikes men (and women) to do to her was just fine...and wait 'till the kicker coming up here....
(I'm going to paraphase now just to make it shorter, this was actually about 5 back-and-forth's between them...)
"Guess what I was going to do last night? I wanted to make a personal ad, to find a couple for a threesome. Who'd be my partner? You, of course, if you want. No, not with 2 guys, that's not my thing at all. But I couldn't find a recent picture of me. Yes, I guess I should have a picture of you. How do I get it off your profile? I'm not sur ehow to do that. OK, yeah, email me a picture. To home or work? Work would be easier."
Let's just let that sink in.
(pause)
...
(pause)
...
Yeah. A threesome. Hey, look, I'm not being a prude here, what guy doesn't want his wife to have a threesome with him and another chick? (well I know there are plenty of guys that don't want that, but I'm not one of them, I'm free to admit... :) ) I'm certainly not adverse to or surprised by the idea of her bisexuality talk, we've been together 9 years, we've talked about many things of that nature and more, of course. I know what she likes and doesn't like, and what experiences she's had in the past. So I'm not saying I'm disgusted by it or anything, I'd be a hypocrite if so.
But, still....it speaks volumes about the depths of her depravity in this situation, and her remarkable indiscretion and, dare I say, stupidity?
PLEASE...EL. PLEASE. I BEG YOU...PLEASE make such a personal ad. PLEASE put your picture and the Other Guy's picture on it. PLEASE be graphic in what you are looking for. PLEASE do this quickly, so I can find it, and archive it.
Because if you do that, I will win full custody in court. I'm pretty f'ing sure of that. And after reading all that, I think I need to.
And THANK YOU for once again, EL, using work email to document this for me, so you could never claim I "made it myself" or anything like that.
Listen...I know I'm wrong for spying. I know I've resolved not to and it lasted all of 48 hours. I know. How many chances I let go by in those 48 hours doesn't count, I still gave in and did it.
But, you know, this is why I do it. I'm GLAD I found that! It DOES help me. I'm still going to try to avoid doing it, but now to be honest, I almost have to continue monitoring the computer for what websites she's looking for (of course I taught her how to protect herself from that, but since my computer down here is the network server, I can packet-sniff URLs at least and find her personal ad if she ever makes one) so that if she goes through with such a remarkably stupid idea, I will have it.
Guess what, there's one more thing, that even more than the threesome thing (because, hey like I said, that's really not so much a stretch is it, she's cheating me already why not add more to the party with the Other Guy, right?) makes me sure I will never stay married to this woman now. Never.
What was it? An email in her sent items. An email from her to a completely different email address than the Other Guy's home or work email. One at an @aol.com address (which he does not have.)
One that was flirty and suggestive and sent to someone the night I wasn't home, saying, "Yeah, I'm OK, my husband isn't home tonight, you know..." and some other stuff.
So...what do you know. She's starting it with some OTHER GUY already?!? The screen name suggested it might be someone else who works at her company.
Un-mother-fucking-believable. She signs "I love you" to her emails to The Other Guy, but she's also looking to get with someone else?
You know, she may be right. She really isn't getting a divorce because of the Other Guy, she's getting one because she's a fucking whore. Yeah, I said it. About time maybe.
Angry? Yeah, I am.
Relieved? Yeah, that too. I needed to find that. I truly did.
I'm done. I'm out. Fini. Nada. Zilch. Zero. Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.
I'm serious. Mark this in your own blogs, folks. If I EVER again say I want to stay married to this woman, remind me. "December 10th, JD."
Sorta makes all those comments about whether or not to tell the Other Guy's wife pretty fucking moot at this point.
posted by Fensty at 2:11 AM
18 Comments:
I don't know what to say, JD. Just makes me sad all around.
Well, no. I will say this. You're getting angry, and that's probably good, at least for a while. It will keep you from being paralyzed. So, yeah, go with that. But I hope it doesn't consume you.
-- Barbara
OH, don't worry, I'm not consumed with anger.
If anything, I'm calmer.
I'm angry at her, still, sure. Angry she's being so stupid, so selfish, so immature. So unable to control her impulses as to do this to our son over sex.
WHATEVER needs I left unfulfilled don't justify this behavior. Nope. Sorry.
So...the reason I'm calm is, uncertainty has vanished. She has succeeded, finally, in making me realize - there is no going back to her.
I could never do it, ever, now.
I can no longer say, "The affair is making her act so irrational she's not responsible for her actions."
I let myself beleive that for awhile, because it seemed true. And maybe it still IS true, but it doesn't matter. It has gone too far for me to let ANYTHING excuse her actions.
So, angry and sad still, yes. But on the fence about what to do about it? No.
Elvis has left the building. This marriage is over.
Man, let it go.
Even if you show she is having sex with animals, what are you really winning? Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You should be glad as hell she brought your child to you. If you keep it up, that will be the last time she will ever bring the kid to your house. Is that what you want?
Yes, it's tought to realize that the person you married is somewhat of a whore. Just let it go. As long as your child is safe and growing up normal, all will be OK in the long run. Keep up what you're doing and the possibility of your child growing up normal greatly decreases.
Just my $0.02
I fail to see why me having full custody and SHE only gets "visitation" makes a difference to his development and well-being than if we have 50/50 joint custody.
The difference would be instead of paying her child support for her to spend on whatever, I'd be supporting him myself for whatever he needs, the way it should be.
The difference would be that I would know he wasn't being shuffled off to a babysitter while his mom engages in group sex practices in the home. (Even I won't accuse her of doing that while he's in the house...)
The difference would be I could keep him away from his batshit crazy grandmother. I never did get around to writing up an entry on her but she really is "not right in the head" and she's only in her mid-50's. Given another 10 years I'm concerned where she'll end up.
So...nope, this one, not giving up. If she fucks up and creates a group sex personal ad, I will be showing that to lawyers and evaluating the possibility of using that among other things as the way to have full custody of my son. She can still have visits, overnights, weekends, whole weeks, whatever - but only at my permission and by my rules, that way.
She's not right dude. Sorry. Nothing excuses this.
Do you really think you'll win just because you have some ad that shows she likes sex? Who was the primary caretaker of the child prior to the divorce? I'll bet it was her. Who is the more nurturing parent? So you're going to pay $20,000 to attorneys, shrinks, and other people to go from 50-50 to 60-40 with her paying child support? Then, guess what, your kid will still be around the "batshit" grandmother who then will be filling the kid's head full of what a sorry SOB you are.
Let it go. If you can get 50-50, then take it. You are so into feeling sorry for yourself and feeling justified that you are right. All you're giving a damn about right now is how hurt you are. Are you an adult or a kid? You are not looking out for your child. Grow up. Get over it. Your kid is more important than whoever you soon to be ex screws.
Pardon me for not wanting my son to grow up as screwed up as his mother apparently is, thinking it's perfectly OK to quit a marriage without trying, for a guy you've known 8 weeks.
Crazy me.
Not that you might not have a point, you think I'd rush into a decision like this based on anger and bitterness, I wouldn't.
But I'm thinking about it. Very much so. I will question my next lawyer/consultation VERY closely on all this. The last 2 I just accepted when they said it wasn't worth it, but I know a lot more now.
Alot more men are getting custody of their kids these days, so keep your head up. You do what YOU think is right when it comes to your boy. Sometimes the mother is not the best person for a child to be with.
These days custody is not automatically awarded to the mother.
Learned.
It will be such a horrible, angry, bitter fight and make us hate each other. That I know.
Expensive, too, though one shouldn't put a price on what's best for The Boy, I can't disregard that fact.
It is a lot to balance. I need the legal advice. If there's not a fairly good chance, based on her mother's actions, her own disregard for The Boy's best interests, and the strange carrying on with men...then I won't try.
But if, say, he says "we have at least a 60% chance of winning you full custody" then I'm going to have to really, seriously, THINK about it.
I have to analyze my own feelings a lot more too. Talk to my therapist. Make sure I'm not thinking these thoughts out of anger, revenge, selfishness, or any base emotions like that.
I do think I'm the better parent. I"m just not sure those feelings are valid.
You already knew she had bi tendencies. But now that she is going to act on it without you it's suddenly horrible and wrong. You're right, it is hypocritical. Sie
Appreciate it, Sie. There is an element of hypocrasy, I admit. But it's not the "bi tendencies" that I'm saying are wrong. It IS that she's now acting out every fantasy with someone other than her husband. That she's having a threesome and NEITHER partner is her husband. You don't think that's a bit "wrong" in any way?
And, that she wants to "cheat" on the boyfriend with some other guy? This doesn't show a deeper depth of infidelity than "just" an affair?
But - I did ask for opinions so I am glad you chimed in. I need to keep my emotions and feelings in check on this kinda stuff, so your voice is appreciated.
JD the BH
So a 3 sum is ok if one of the persons involved is a spouse? Personally, I think marriage should be monogomous. Period. But since women don't do a thing for me, that's just what works for me. I consider it adultery, whether it's consensual or not and since I think that, then yes (to me) I also think it's wrong. Others don't see it as a problem. Whatever works for you....
But the fact remains that although legally you are her husband, in every other way you no longer hold any power in/of that position. You have no say so anymore. Emotionally she has already divorced you. Now it's just a legal issue.
She will be single and can date and if she wants, screw as many men or women as she wants. And so can you. She can't tell you not to have a 3sum, nor can you tell her not to.
Of course, the disclaimer here is that your son is loved, well taken care of, etc.
You're bitter, angry and condeming her for acting out a sexual fantasy that you yourself would participate in. You love her. It hurts. I think that you will be hurt knowing she is having sex with anyone. No one can blame you for those feelings.
And while I'm "talking", I need to say a few other things.
You seem to use your son as a weapon against her. Telling her she's ripping the family apart, etc. When you say something like that, you are using him as an attempt to instill guilt in her. You are using him as a weapon.
I saw another instance of this on the other "soon to be divorced blog". The child said "I miss Mommy," and the dad replied "I do too." Think about this. It says to the child.... Mommy is the bad person here. I want us to be a family but Mommy won't let us.
Even though it's true, Mommie is the bad guy, I just don't think it's right to put that on a child.
And about the OM's wife. I still say that it's just plain decency to let her know. Not revenge, not malicious, just plain old decency to let a spouse know. Well ok, maybe a little evil... but still.
It's very hard to let go and realize that you have very little say over what your (soon to be ex) spouse is doing.
It seems to me that it's in your best interest to get this divorce over and done with quickly and start the slow reconstruction of a new life.
Just know once you conquer the anger, it gets better. It really does. And I'm looking forward to reading when you're happier.
Man, I can tell from how fucking obsessive you are about the spying and other stuff that you must have been a real pain in the ass to live with. Now, that doesn't excuse her behavior, but there is always fault for the breakup of the marriage on both parts.
Why in the fuck do you not accept the advice of two lawyers? Didn't you pay them for that advice? So for a 60% chance of winning, you're going to go into a public courtroom and air out all your dirty, smelly laundry. What a slacker and asshole you are. What a whore your child's mother is. Meanwhile you kid will be crying himself to sleep wondering what he did to make Mommy and Daddy break up. Meanwhile, he'll be trying to find a way to stop the two of you from fighting and to get you back together.
Grow up. Let it go. It's not about your narcissitic injury. You poor man, you're so mistreated. Maybe you are, but get the fuck over it. She's got her friends telling her what an asshole you are. How she's the injured one. She also needs to grow up and stop taking pictures of catnip. She needs to stop trying to whore with everyone in town to cover up her little narcissitic injury.
Basically, if I were a judge, I wouldn't want to give the kid to either one of you. I'd look for a real adult.
A vast majority of judges don't give a damn about how often or who your soon to be ex screws. They want to know if the person who gets custody is a responsible adult who will try to work with the other parent despite what brought them to this situation.
Let it go. Really. Don't know if your religious, but now would be a good time to get down on your knees and pray. Pray for forgiveness, pray for patience, pray for comfort.
Trust me, it helps.
Sie:
S'a good point. Just so you know, I don't use him as a weapon, not the way you say. I don't talk to him about our divorce, ever. I mean besides that he's two, I wouldn't if he were 10.
To her? Different story. I don't use guilt as a weapon either to keep her around. I don't see it that way. I point out she's not being logical to ruin HIS life before SHE won't TRY to save the marriage.
It's the truth, isn't it? Why should I hold back? If she had made any attempt at all to work out our problems, try counseling, break off the affair for even a few weeks to see what that would change - then I wouldn't have any right to say those things, would I?
Sorry I'm not backing off on that one.
As for custody - this comment for you and the anonymous poster - I can't help think I'm the more repsonsible parent.
Two short examples: I came home from my vacation, and his high chair was crusted with a couple different types of food. She doesn't clean it off, ever. Both the tray area and the seat. Under the cushion there was enough detritius you could figure out at least 5 different meals he'd had. Cereal, bits of fruit, macaroni, chicken, french fries. In her car when YES I was snooping - his carseat had french fries and chicken nuggets in it. He sits on that while she drives him places. I only hope he knows better than to pick it up and eat it.
When I SAY something about this, I'm being fussy and controlling and a neat freak. "Oh, everyone eats a pound a dirt a year, JD, relax" kind of comments are made my way.
The fact she lets him eat chicken nuggets in his carseat while she's driving is another story as well, isn't it?
2nd example: He's sick again right now, if you recall. He's got amoxicillin he should be taking twice a day. 8am and 8pm is the "schedule."
This morning, they took him to breakfast at 8am without giving him the medicine. When I called her phone to tell her this, she poo-poo'd me and said it wasn't a big deal, they'd be home soon. Got home at noon. Her mother is a fucking NURSE, you might recall. She also tells me to stop being so fussy. Not a very good one, obviously.
I could go on. And on. And on. But I'm the asshole, eh?
To the other poster, on the sex issues: If you can't see where having multiple sex partners, at the same time, might not be in the best interest of the welfare of a child, well...nothing I say is going to convince you. And I SAID I would follow legal advice on the issue anyway - previous lawyers I've talked to, these questions didn't come up as I hadn't been thinking about custody at that time. I want to GET some accurate legal advice for my state from some lawyers as to if what half of you are telling me is true (things like infidelity and sexual promiscuity have no bearing on custody) or the other half of you are telling me is true (that it does and I should make an issue of it.)
JD the BH
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
(Comment posted twice, deleted it once.)
Oh, and to clarify: When I called her to tell her she'd forgotten to give him his meds, it wasn't to bitch or something, they had left 5 minutes before. I said, "Hey did you give him that?" (it usually takes both of us to give it to him so I figured she didn't, but thought maybe she snuck it into a drink or something) and when she said no, I just suggested maybe she should run back quick - they were just going to breakfast together, no biggie. But, no, that was too much trouble, I was being irrational by suggesting it.)
JD: I would guess that infidelity and multiple sex partners don't matter in custody disputes (they don't in most places I've heard of, but it's always worth checking)...
And as for the other issues (medicine, gross food bits, etc), I would guess there are about a million things you do that make her point the finger and yell "bad parent" right back at you (not that I think letting your child sit in rotten old food is a good thing... and that giving him medicine 4 hours late is good either... and not consulting with you when he's sick, also not a great thing either)... however, before you paint the picture for the lawyer, make sure you take a good look inward and give that person a REALLY accurate portrayal of what you think, worst case scenario, she's going to say about you (ie: he yells, he throws things, he's addicted to catnip...) so that whatever lawyer you end up retaining has a damn good picture of EVERYTHING that is going to come out if there is a battle... Not just her dirty laundry.
A lot of people go in, paint themselves as the best parent, omit the things that they do that aren't perfect or that the other spouse perceive as not perfect. This is a great way to waste your money, cause unless that person can actually take a comprehensive view of all the evidence and try to weigh it according to whatever law it is you have in your state, they're not going to be able to predict an outcome with much success.
The hardest part about dealing with clients, from my experience at legal aid clinics anyway, is that 9 times out of 10 they leave out these little tidbits of evidence that they think are a) incriminating b) irrelevant or c) hopefully going to stay hidden. So anyway, be an open book, it'll give you more bang for your buck and it'll let your lawyer do a better job for you.
Also, something I learned in mediation class... in a court setting there is always a loser... it's a roll of the dice and each side has a 50% chance of getting hammered. In a negotiated settlement you might not "win" but at least you're the master of your own destiny. It doesn't sound like you're doing any of this for revenge, or spite, or anything but what you think is best for your son... and really he's probably young enough that you can be pretty effective at shielding him from a court battle... but make sure you know what the chances are that you'll lose custody altogether if you fight this out... cause chances are she'll be going for full custody too if you do.
Thanks, Sara...upon having more reflection time, and reading your comments, and the others on here...I'm already past the anger and "I will win custody" phase.
I will still ask the next 2 lawyers I consult with, and press a little harder for the realities, but yeah, if it goes ugly and nasty I don't know that it'll be worth it.
Also, I'm not sure what "joint" custody really entails. Does that mean, if I don't want her mother watching him, I can say that? It would seem that "joint" would mean that as long as EITHER parent decied something was "OK" the other wouldn't have a say. It doesn't mean that BOTH parents have to agree on all major decisions, does it?
Anyway see my next entry....
Mac, that's about the progression of it, yep.
Thing is, I do think I should be able to stop now. There really is nothing left to know or find out, so I should be able to drop it.
But like a bad opium habit, now, it's hard to break the cycle...
Post a Comment
<< Home