JD's First Date in Nine Years With Someone New

OK, so it wasn't really a "date" but nothing else to call it. Met a very nice woman...yes - online, I know, very geeky. Found her by looking for other people in the middle of a divorce, few weeks ago, been chatting and talking ever since.

We both keep saying we were just going out as friends, not a date, to meet for dinner and talk about our respective stories. Of course, I'd like to think that she felt the same as I - that hey, if there was some chemistry, we might call the next one a date. :) (I don't know if she DOES think that of course, just that I'd LIKE to think it. Just to clarify. :) )

-------

Update - adding this later. On a whim, I thought I'd show her that paragraph for reaction. At her own request, she doesn't know the address for this blog, she says she doesn't want to read it yet, that's fine, if she never does that's also fine. But anyway, she asked me to add this as a comment, and I did, but I'll paste it here anyway.

This was her response:

She would have been obtuse not to feel a link between them. I hestitate using the word connection, sounds contrived. Was there chemistry? She would have to say absolutely yes. She enjoyed his company immensely--the charmimg grin as well as the engaging conversation. What will the future bring? She doesn't know, and it doesn't really matter. She has found someone she genuinely likes which is a rare gift to treasure. Tomorrow is full of endless possibility...

------------
Anyway, continued from original pre-edited condition:

But as we're both going thru this, neither one of us is looking for more than some cautious social encounters to confirm we're still decent human beings who have something to offer other people. Well, me anyway, I'm projecting some of that on her.

Well that sounds clinical doesn't it? Sheesh. Of COURSE we also just like each other's online company so wanted to meet and see if it translated to a friendly time together in real life, and it certainly did.

Nothing fancy, she's taking night classes so we met afterwards, nearly 10pm...moved from restaurant to all night diner...long conversation, just nice and fun and social. Total time? 6 1/2 hours. A nice time was had by all.


She is the person who has most helped to "ground" me in my ridiculous spying and other actions. The comments I've been making recently about trying to get a handle on that are a direct influence from her.

I am not happy about doing that, but I keep doing it anyway. She's the one who's helped me to really get the fact that I can't blame EL for MY actions, anymore than EL can blame me for hers.

Simply put - EL might've taken actions that have put me to the point of having to decide whether to snoop or not, but I'm the one who's chosen to do so.

This isn't an announcement I'm turning over a new leaf and will never spy again, but it is a declaration that I am going to continue to try and master those impulses and just "let it go."

She also had a lot to say on the subject of telling the OM's wife, she's dead set against that, but on that score I continue to assert I will make my own choice. I valued her opinion quite a lot - she was the "leaver" in her relationship, not the "leavee" but she did make many attempts to fix the situation herself, as EL did, but her ex does NOT take any culpability in the situations they were in and was unwilling to change. That is NOT similiar to my own situation. So there are some parallels but also some pretty big differences. The main one being there was no affair in her case.

But nonetheless it's great to have someone to talk to who has had the other side of the situation a little, though I can't help that she made me feel a bit "validated" in that - compared to HER husband, I am not anywhere near as controlling. Now, I am not trying to justify MY actions by saying, "Well, I'm not as bad as that guy!" That's a lame rationalization.

I do wish EL had a friend like this however, who could explain what true controlling behavior, neglect, and manipulation really are.

In any case, it was a fun social evening and does leave me feeling a little closer to saying, hmm, there will be life after EL after all. Plus of course solidified an online friendship into what will undoubtedly be a very warm and friendly "real" one. (Not that online isn't real, but there is of course a difference and I'm glad we made the transition smoothly.)



On another note, my last entry seems to have collected a lot of comments. I read them all, as always, even if I don't reply to them all or even if I don't reply at all.

All opinions are welcome, and stop apologizing for "thread jacking" people, that's what the comments are for, some give-and-take back and forth about what the original entry had to say.

Anyway I'm aware my actions lately (I don't apologize for the initial snooping and spying earlier on, when I was being lied to and had a right to know what was really going on) have not been the sort of role-model of behavior I'd want to be for my son. I will continue to try to self-improve on those as well as other areas of my life.

Technically, as my wife has now filed, I SHOULD be leaving her alone. It's begun, we're apart now, for better or worse, come what may....I will try to tell myself that the next time the urge to look in her car or the firesafe or whatever strikes me.