My Wife Is Insane, Part ... I forget...

My wife, is nuts. Really. And, now I have some evidence she's trying to be "sneaky" on me, too.

LOL that sounds funny, since she's having an affair. Let me clarify, now I have some evidence she's preparing a "case" against me in court, or at least doing her own snooping around my stuff, much as I have been hers.

But - she's insane. Clearly. This just speaks for itself, so why am I trying to editorialize it? Let me explain...

So, sitting in her car (yes, I was being nosy again, I admit...but now you'll see why?) I saw her digital camera.

I thought to myself, "Self? What do you think - No WAY she'd be dumb enough to have him take pics of her, would she? Or worse? Do I really want to look? COULD she be that stupid?"

"Nobody would do something that indiscreet," I said to myself.

"Yes, but...this is the woman who printed out 19 pages of pornographic emails sent between his and her work addresses, at work, and left them in her car. Look in the camera. This woman is so indiscreet people wouldn't believe it if this was a short story or a Lifetime movie," I replied.

"OK, self, you win, let's look in the camera."

OK...well...no, there were no porn pics of the two of them. Man that would have been the coup d'grace on this whole sleazy little affair wouldn't it? Hell, now I'm trying to think how I could plant that seed in her mind to take some, because she really would be that indiscreet to leave them somewhere I could get them.

No, no, it wasn't that, but it was something so tragically funny, I'd laugh myself silly if I wasn't very concerned at the same time.

Anyway, last picture on the roll was of my desk. Now I'm thinking, why did she take a pic of my desk, specifically, the bookshelf on my desk?

What's here...hmm...some Mustang books, some Simpsons TV show guides, couple of computer game manuals...certainly a testament to my time-wasting skills and bad habits, but hardly incriminating.

No, my friends, what she was apparently taking a picture of is....on top of the books, there is a bag of Catnip. We have two cats. We've had them since we bought the house. I've had the catnip since we bought the house. In fact, SHE BOUGHT THE CATNIP. We used to throw it around and watch the kitties go nuts, you know what I'm talking about if you have cats. If you don't, well, they go ape-shit for the stuff... :) Anyway, it's got a sticker right on it that says, "Organic Catnip" (though the sticker is not visible from the way the bag was sitting on the shelf...) and it's clearly a tiny granular leafy powdery substance in the bag.

My ONLY assumption I can make is, she was snooping around and saw that, and thinks it's drugs - marijuana. Which is laughable for SO many reasons:

A) I don't do drugs.
B) If I did, I wouldn't leave it lying on my desk.
C) Hasn't she ever in her life seen a movie or TV show where they show weed...it doesn't look anything like catnip. Reminds me of the joke where people try to sell oregano as marijuana. It's about as likely.
D) She apparently didn't move or examine the bag in any way, just ran for her camera and took the picture.
E) She bought the damn catnip herself like 4 years ago. It's been sitting in that same spot on the desk for FOUR YEARS.
F) IT'S FREAKING CATNIP IS SHE INSANE??!


Thing is - I'm not sure what to do about this. This is why I'm no longer confronting her with things. I can't tell her I saw this or I'll be labelled a snooper again. Which I am, but I no longer wish her to know I'm being this way. I thought about just deleting the pic, but that'll also be obvious.

I think what I'm going to do is take another picture, almost exactly like the one she took, but with the sticker saying "catnip" clearly visible. That she won't notice, or if she does when she puts the pic on her computer and sees it full-size, she won't realize it was there when SHE took the pic. I'll even change the date on the camera so it's time/dated the same. Then of course I'm going to put the bag somewhere safe, so if this insane person who used to be my wife ever tries to say that's a picture of marijuana in a bag on my desk, I can just point out the sticker, and produce the bag itself. Either that or find an "innocent" reason to be looking thru her camera (taking pics of The Boy at our next opportunity for example) and "discover" the picture and explain it's catnip.

Yes, I'm sure it's occurred to you all, as me, this could be an elaborate story on MY part, to wit: Perhaps I'm a secret pothead and so stupid (or high) I'd leave a bag of pot lying clearly on a desk, when I'm gone for a week, in a house with a woman who wants to divorce me and could use it as evidence against me. And, now that I know I'm caught, I've devised this clever tale of catnip to cover my tracks. I replaced the bag of the evil devil weed with a bag of catnip and put a catnip sticker on it to complete the ruse.

You know, sadly, that's about as believable as anything else in this whole sad, sordid little tale.

I think the best thing is that the camera is high quality enough you can clearly see it's a powdery flaky stuff and not like any pot I ever saw. Yes, I'm admitting I've seen pot. I'm 35, I went to high school and college once, you know?

Hmm I guess if I was REALLY paranoid about this, I could go to my doc, get a physical (which I've been thinking of anyway being as I'm on this diet and wondering if I'm keeping myself healthy, and also wondering if my cholesterol has gone down noticably yet) and ask for a drug test specifically. I dunno, is this situation really that serious for me? Would a judge ever allow a photo of a bag on a desk taken by a divorce-minded wife while the husband was not at home to influence his or her decision in a divorce? I have a hard time believing that. More likely she thinks she can "blackmail" me with the picture somehow.


Hmm, let's enumerate the blackmail potential here: I've got 19 pages of printed Email, a printed love note, receipts from a lingerie store and an adult novelty store, cell phone records of them calling each other, and even some things that are clearly not admissable in a courtroom like the copies of Email I read on her computer........and she's got a digital photo of a bag of catnip.



Like I said - it's a tragicomedy. If the implications of her taking such a pic at all weren't so concerning to me, I'd laugh my ass off.

It has definitely taught me to remove every scrap of anything even remotely incriminating out of this house, though. Not that there really is anything, but I'm going to have to think about that and go through the whole house with a very critical, "What would this look like in a courtroom?" kind of eye. And I'm glad I have copies of all my "proof" elsewhere besides the house.



(Afterword...)

I still love my wife (though it's getting harder) and reading this back I feel bad at how I'm calling her stupid and practically ridiculing her. It's only specific to this whole situation, her affair, this catnip photo, etc. I can't help but see the utter ridiculousness of the situation, is all. She's so wacked-out from all this divorce/affair stuff she's just not thinking right, is all I mean to say. My wife is not a stupid woman, the contrary, she's very bright and most certainly has a lot of common sense. When not having an affair, that is.

I've asked myself, is this an attitude I might've taken with her in the past, verbally? Like have I ever felt this way before about her doing something dumb and been such an asshole about it? I think maybe I have once or twice. Not often, and nothing really serious, but I might've said "It's really stupid to buy a DVD player and then use COAX cable to connect it to the TV, that's the dumbest thing I ever heard..." and similiar.

So I am a jerk, I guess, at times. I mean I'd already admitted that, but this little episode has served me TWO purposes - the aforementioned needing to realize my wife is now scheming herself, but also - that I need to take a look at how I treat people at times like this. I should try to have more compassion for WHY she'd feel that way, and quite honestly, who the hell am I to point a finger at her for being nosy, scheming, and sneaky? After all, I looked in her car to find the picture, didn't I?