The Can't Go Home Again Blues
Can't say coming home has been any fun.
All I'm doing is moping around the house, still feeling bad.
Yes, I'm still resolute in believing it's over, but that's just a whole new kind of depression.
I'm NOT going to bug her when she comes home about things....but, yes, of course, I couldn't help but look around.
There is a new shower curtain. Why? The old one wasn't really dirty or anything. Yeah, a little bit of brown mildew on the bottom, but the one we had before that one was really BAD before we replaced it. (It's not disgusting mold, y'know, just that mildew and soapy buildup stuff - we're not ANIMALS here people...)
So, did she replace it because she wanted the bathroom to look nice for him when he came over?
Or did it get ruined in some sex romp in my shower?
Or, is it all a paranoid fantasy in my head, and she just felt like cleaning out the shower? She hung some new pics of The Boy up around the place and that's nothing I can turn into a paranoid delusion of anything...
Then again - there is the fact that I know she had a lawyer appointment at 9:30 AM on Monday. My strong suspicion is that she did not go to work that day, but instead told her parents about this "big business dinner that I'll be home late from" and then had a rendezvous here in our house on Monday. I want to snag her paystub out of the mail when it comes this week and see if she's got holiday time or sick time on it.
Call me paranoid, but I feel that very strongly. She used the same line about a big business dinner when she first tried to claim that's what she was doing the night of their "first date" before I called her on it. It would explain why she wanted the keys to lock up the house so her parents couldn't get in if they just "dropped by" or something. It would explain the shower curtain. The birth control is missing - that COULD mean she took it somewhere else, like to a hotel, so that's kinda good. Or it could mean she just moved it somewhere else that I don't know about, and I'm really trying NOT to go paranoid and search my entire house top to bottom.
Give me time though it's a long weekend my resolve doesn't usually hold out. Though I won't be talking to her about anything I find anymore, that much I am going to hold myself to. She may be bringing out the worst in me but don't want her to KNOW she is anymore, need to put a better face on around the place.
So anyway, I came home and got all "blah." I thought I'd do better than this. Maybe it's just the shock of being in the empty house. We'll see what tomorrow brings.
Oh, I also found a little to-do list here, she did visit a lawyer which is fine, we both have been open about that we want to move things along. Probably why it wasn't hidden or anything. Said the court costs for filing for divorce were $182 "without alimony" which I take to mean she is staying true to that and wasn't interested in filing the additional papers for alimony, even the (sorry, don't know the Latin) "alimony pending litigation." So, that's kinda good.
BUT, on the other hand, the list which included normal things like having pay stubs, last year's tax return, and a basic custody agreement, also said, "retirement." So she may have been convinced to grab my 401k after all. So it begins?
Or again, maybe I'm being a paranoid asshole. Feel free to tell me that. :)
So, anyway, here it is, another angsty blog entry. Yay!
All I'm doing is moping around the house, still feeling bad.
Yes, I'm still resolute in believing it's over, but that's just a whole new kind of depression.
I'm NOT going to bug her when she comes home about things....but, yes, of course, I couldn't help but look around.
There is a new shower curtain. Why? The old one wasn't really dirty or anything. Yeah, a little bit of brown mildew on the bottom, but the one we had before that one was really BAD before we replaced it. (It's not disgusting mold, y'know, just that mildew and soapy buildup stuff - we're not ANIMALS here people...)
So, did she replace it because she wanted the bathroom to look nice for him when he came over?
Or did it get ruined in some sex romp in my shower?
Or, is it all a paranoid fantasy in my head, and she just felt like cleaning out the shower? She hung some new pics of The Boy up around the place and that's nothing I can turn into a paranoid delusion of anything...
Then again - there is the fact that I know she had a lawyer appointment at 9:30 AM on Monday. My strong suspicion is that she did not go to work that day, but instead told her parents about this "big business dinner that I'll be home late from" and then had a rendezvous here in our house on Monday. I want to snag her paystub out of the mail when it comes this week and see if she's got holiday time or sick time on it.
Call me paranoid, but I feel that very strongly. She used the same line about a big business dinner when she first tried to claim that's what she was doing the night of their "first date" before I called her on it. It would explain why she wanted the keys to lock up the house so her parents couldn't get in if they just "dropped by" or something. It would explain the shower curtain. The birth control is missing - that COULD mean she took it somewhere else, like to a hotel, so that's kinda good. Or it could mean she just moved it somewhere else that I don't know about, and I'm really trying NOT to go paranoid and search my entire house top to bottom.
Give me time though it's a long weekend my resolve doesn't usually hold out. Though I won't be talking to her about anything I find anymore, that much I am going to hold myself to. She may be bringing out the worst in me but don't want her to KNOW she is anymore, need to put a better face on around the place.
So anyway, I came home and got all "blah." I thought I'd do better than this. Maybe it's just the shock of being in the empty house. We'll see what tomorrow brings.
Oh, I also found a little to-do list here, she did visit a lawyer which is fine, we both have been open about that we want to move things along. Probably why it wasn't hidden or anything. Said the court costs for filing for divorce were $182 "without alimony" which I take to mean she is staying true to that and wasn't interested in filing the additional papers for alimony, even the (sorry, don't know the Latin) "alimony pending litigation." So, that's kinda good.
BUT, on the other hand, the list which included normal things like having pay stubs, last year's tax return, and a basic custody agreement, also said, "retirement." So she may have been convinced to grab my 401k after all. So it begins?
Or again, maybe I'm being a paranoid asshole. Feel free to tell me that. :)
So, anyway, here it is, another angsty blog entry. Yay!
posted by Fensty at 10:45 PM
6 Comments:
She's having an affair. Why you continue to torture yourself to find more proof of it is beyond me. How are you going to handle the lack of control over having any rights to know what she is doing once you two are split? with of course the exception of any safety issues with the boy.
The shower curtain is just a shower curtain. Don't fret over that. Sometimes I change mine just because I saw a new one I like.
On the alimony thing, isn't that pretty hard to get these days? I mean, if the wife is working?
I'm torn on the snoop/not snoop issue. The previous commenter made a good point. But I totally understand where you're coming from. I'm an incurable snoop and my nosiness knows no bounds. So, I understand. But please don't let it drive you crazy.
-- Barbara
Oh, I totally know where Sie is coming from. I wonder myself, why I keep doing this. I mean, what more proof do I need?
I don't think it's "proof" and I'm not entirely sure it's "control" because, as said - I don't need more proof, and it's not controlling anything to be finding this stuff.
It is a desire to KNOW what's going on, know when I'm being lied to, etc.
So in that regard, I sure HOPE that if we split up, I don't want or need to know anymore what is going on with her. Once we're done we're done. I keep telling myself that. If I find myself driving past her house after we're divorced, I'll seek professional help.
And no, I'm not joking, I'm serious. Like today I considered, would I install a backdoor trojan or something on the computer I'm going to give her when she leaves, and the answer I gave myself is "no." It would only torture me more. Once she's gone she's gone.
Alimony, Barbara, there is some thing, I can't remember the Latin exactly, phonetically it's like "alimony pen lente" or something. Basically, it's temporary alimony during the divorce process. Once the divorce is final, it stops. But that could be like a year's worth of $200/month alimony that she does not DESERVE so I am glad if she's not going to request that.
She would certainly not qualify for any alimony after the divorce, because of the adultery. Hands down that's the one thing I'm sure of. Everything else in Pennsylvania is up for grabs.
But anyway - yeah, I really shouldn't go looking, but it's this desire to KNOW that I can't quash.
JD,
I'm so sorry to hear this, I have been hoping that you would come home to find her there.
I agree with the previous poster about finding some outlet. I know it's hard to force yourself to do anything at this point but you really should.
As for you wanting to know 'all the details', my DH was the same way, and from everything I read that is a natural tendency of men. So don't fret over wanting to know.
Learned.
Addicus (Gregory Peck is a great actor BTW...) thanks for the tip.
I will consider that. I'll run it by my therapist and shrink next time we talk, too, funny I didn't think of asking that at any point, because I did seriously consider my sister's words at the time.
I was branded an "Underachiever" in high school in the 80's, had some school phobia problems and stuff - my first experience with therapy - and back then that might well have been how they looked at older kids with ADD, eh?
I'll hit your site and look at the tests, certainly.
Thanks!
As for your career...Feel like giving any pro bono advice? Go right ahead... :)
Actually I said that like a joke, but if you ever read anything in this blog that's a SERIOUS mistake for me to commit to print, let me know willya? I mean I know the whole thing is a little shaky and could hurt me, but if I ever write anything that's a huge red flag...
Learned, and Mac:
Yes - I agree I need some new outlet for energy like this rather than obsessing over the situation and snooping around the house.
I think I'm probably going to join a gym. At the very least I need to start walking a lot, but that may not really be the same thing it'll have me thinking the whole time. Better if I were taking Karate classes or something, maybe...
I'm thinking on it. Something will come to me, I hope.
Post a Comment
<< Home