Saturday Night/Sunday AM update
Not to say I'm some kind of drunk, I'm not. Last time I was stumbling drunk was probably well over 4 or 5 years ago, unless we count last night.
Or, tonight. I'm not as messed up as last night, it's true, but it's been another fine eveming of Ron Rico and Diet Coke, and Chinese food (I'm off the diet for this evening) plus lots of Triscuits and Snyder's Pretzels, as well as the egg rolls and General Tso's chicken.
It's a fine night - we played some more Burnout 3 and then watched amusing 80's movies on TV, and are currently watching the documentary "Trekkies" (No, I'm not one, though I do think the show has good points and is quite amusing) and basically reminiscing about our days as customer service reps for the company we've worked our way up into as middle-level management types.
Overall, it's been a damn good time the last two days and I"m sorry to be leaving tomorrow. Overall, it's been a nice decompression this weekend. Quite a lot of remeniscning, good laughter and good times. I managed to spend very few hours this weekend remembering my life, marriage, and family is (are? I'm supposed to know my tenses) falling apart...
Anyway, J, when you read this, thanks for a great weeikend. Next week spent sitting in bookstores and on the beach isn't going to compare this weekend.
Or, tonight. I'm not as messed up as last night, it's true, but it's been another fine eveming of Ron Rico and Diet Coke, and Chinese food (I'm off the diet for this evening) plus lots of Triscuits and Snyder's Pretzels, as well as the egg rolls and General Tso's chicken.
It's a fine night - we played some more Burnout 3 and then watched amusing 80's movies on TV, and are currently watching the documentary "Trekkies" (No, I'm not one, though I do think the show has good points and is quite amusing) and basically reminiscing about our days as customer service reps for the company we've worked our way up into as middle-level management types.
Overall, it's been a damn good time the last two days and I"m sorry to be leaving tomorrow. Overall, it's been a nice decompression this weekend. Quite a lot of remeniscning, good laughter and good times. I managed to spend very few hours this weekend remembering my life, marriage, and family is (are? I'm supposed to know my tenses) falling apart...
Anyway, J, when you read this, thanks for a great weeikend. Next week spent sitting in bookstores and on the beach isn't going to compare this weekend.
posted by Fensty at 1:38 AM
3 Comments:
Once I'm convinced she really doesn't love me anymore, then I will. I don't want either one of us in a "loveless marriage."
I know it sounds like an ego thing from me, but I just can't believe at this point she truly doesn't love me anymore. She seems way too wrapped up in this affair, which is clearly a fantasy (based on every book I've read, website I've visited, and person I've spoken to - not must my ego talking on THAT score) to really be making a rational choice in wanting this divorce.
Same thing with her anger - I am not the only one with anger management. Where my problem is clearly letting it OUT way too easily, too much, and too forcefully - hers is she hold it all in. For 2 years she was harboring all this anger and resentment and never said a word. That's a pretty big barrier.
As you read thru the blog you will see that what I REALLY want her to do, for all of our sake's, is to stop, be introspective, look at what she's doing and what she really wants, and maybe TRY for a little while to see if things get better now that I'm paying attention.
I'm well aware that still might not work for either one of us. I'd be lying if I said I KNEW I could take her back and forgive and forget this affair, because I haven't really tried to do that yet. Maybe I can't. As well as she may really be true to her feelings when she says she doesn't love me and wants out.
I just want us both to be in a clearer place when we make those decisions than we are now.
LOL. I had to edit this entry, when I wrote it I was a bit tipsy and somehow the sentence I meant to say:
"Last time I was stumbling drunk was probably well over 45 years ago, unless we count last night."
Was really supposed to say 4-5 years ago. I really don't do the "get falling down drunk" thing often. Before THAT, it would have to go all the way back to the early 90's "Domino's Pizza Delivery" years. I never wrote about any of those experiences yet, lol.
Well, I credit you for trying! That's the important part. You still remember the years of bullshit, and he throws the cheater thing in your face, but at least you are giving it one honest try.
I feel you may be right - the little bit of love and good feeling you have left may not be enough to overcome the realities that exist between you - your affair, but also the bad marriage that brought you to that point. I don't know your story of course but it sounds close enough to mine in that regard - your H wasn't treating the marriage right, and you found what you needed elsewhere.
The difference though is now that it's in the open, you are at least TRYING to see what can happen. If it doesn't work, you can both leave knowing you did what you could. I'd have to think (I don't KNOW) that that will make moving on that much easier and, possibly, even friendlier? But definitely, easier on both your conscience's. You tried and failed. But that's better than walking away without even trying, which is what my wife is currently doing.
So - I commend you both for trying. And yes, when I say "forgive and forget" I mean forget in terms of not throwing it in her face all the time, putting it in the past just like our ex-lovers before we met and things of that nature. Those things are there and not truly "forgotten" but they can, hopefully, not affect the future. I know I can't "forget" it truly. But forgive, I would like to at least TRY. I admit, I may not be able to and therefore we may not be able to stay together even if she DOES try. But it's not fair we don't give it a real chance, is my belief.
As for the blog - it's LONG. :) Over 60000 words now, crazy eh? I ramble on, but you'll notice my feelings and attitudes change quite a bit since the beginning. I guess I am making some small bit of progress after all.
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