Developments...

So...she came home from her Disney trip last night. I didn't expect any real changes and there weren't any.

I didn't want a big discussion, it was late, and I didn't want to do that to her, I just asked if she filed for divorce last week and if anything had changed. I needed to know that since I have a therapy appointment this morning, in about half an hour in fact.

She said nothing changed, she didn't file yet but did retain a lawyer and will probably file this week. So, she picked the first lawyer she talked to. I like that, again, shows she's not really taking this seriously. I mean maybe she got a great referral or something, I dunno.

She said the lawyer wanted to know my intentions on keeping the house. I said in all honesty I had no idea, because it would depend on what it was worth, child support, etc. I explained this showed she really hadn't considered how serious this whole thing was - we had to get the house appraised and a real estate agent to give us an HONEST appraisal of what it could sell for and what fix-ups it would need to do that. Probably at least 2 or 3 seperate agents...I know nothing of selling a home. We even have to research THAT.

Anyway she said her lawyer said she needed to know that right away. I have no idea why that's so important we'll talk later about that I guess.

So, by way of changing the subject after that, I said, "So did you have a good time?" Meaning Disney. I really -HAD- intended on not asking her any questions about her boyfriend or any of that crap until tonight...I really did NOT want to get into that, it wasn't fair it was already late (after 11) and she had to work the next morning.

She said, "I TOLD you, I had my period all week."

(She pointedly mentioned that last week on the phone for no apparent reason. This may sound like a Seinfeld episode, but, she does not usually "keep me informed about her cycles" ESPECIALLY now as there's no good reason for me to know, if you know what I mean... So even at the time that seemed like - while it's true, she might have been telling me for a specific reason. And how would I know what day it began? Monday, if any, is the day they had a rendezvous. Furthermore, as far as my wife is concerned, it's up to the man as to whether or not sex occurs during her period (she's usually OK with it), and lastly - the shower curtain has been replaced. Draw your own conclusions, I know I have...)

I just said, "EL...I meant in Disney." I didn't say anything else, and she just said "Oh..." and we chatted about Disney for a few minutes.

I left her came downstairs and started futzing on the computer again.

About half an hour later she came down asking where her bag was...meaning the backpack thing she uses as a purse/diaper bag when at Disney. I had no idea and said so. I couldn't resist a snotty remark (I really am trying to hold them back) and said, correctly in my opinion, "You probably hid it somewhere so I wouldn't look through it."

I believe that's exactly what she'd done because she then went back in the room, and in fact the bag was sitting out on the bedroom floor this morning.

I would really have thought nothing of it except she came BACK in the house at about 7:20 after she'd already backed the car out of the garage (leaving The Boy in his carseat in the car in the driveway) and went upstairs. I was in the bathroom, I asked "What'd you forget?" which is just a funny phrase we always used - but yeah, sure, I was nosy too. She said, "The check" meaning for daycare. Interesting, 'cuz she was supposed to have paid that LAST week. No idea if that's true or not, but of course it got my curiosity aroused, so....and yeah, here we go, she's bringing out the worst in me again ALREADY I am NOT being successful at this "not snooping" thing am I? Because, of course I looked in the bag.

I was really curious if the birth control had been "moved" to the bag, and maybe that's what she came up to get.

Did I mention in an entry here yet that the birth control and also the KY Liquid from the bathroom, were both missing when I got home? She even had the KY in a non-KY bottle, just some kinda little generic plastic bottle that come in sets for when you travel to put your shampoo and stuff in. I'd noticed that change a few weeks ago in fact, but I digress. Anyway when I noticed both were missing from her "sex drawer" I actually thought - hey, maybe she really DID go to a hotel and didn't fuck him in our house and our bed. That shouldn't matter, but it does.

So, that's why I was curious what was in the bag. Turns out, that wasn't in the bag, but interestingly, the keys to our security safe were.

Like most people we have one of those fire-safes with various paperwork in it, savings bonds for The Boy, my wife's pearls I gave her as my wedding gift (I think she should give those back, by the way, but I won't ask for them. Bitter? Yes. She doesn't deserve them, or my engagement ring, or my last name, but that's another story...) and stuff like that.

Well, guess what else was in there. The contraceptive inserts, minus two. And four condoms - a set of 3 attached and one loose. So, minus two.

OK, now my therapist (who I just got back from) asked me - how did that make you feel? The answer might have surprised him and my readers - I didn't get upset or freak out or anything. Come on, I KNEW that was going on. As usual I just accepted it calmly, just satisfied that I now have concrete, absolute proof of what is going on. There is absolutely no more guesswork, no more thinking it's just "heavy petting" and a lot of sex chat. I mean, I KNEW it was going on, so seeing proof only gives some clarity and removes any residual denial.

If anything, I feel a little guilty, because last week I actually pointed out that I don't have a key to that safe and if she really felt the need to lock anything up she could use it. I had no idea where the keys were, never cared - she was always the person that handled the heavy lifting as far as legal, insurance, and financial paperwork was concerned. So it's going to look like I "set her up" for this. Oops. And of course I'm the guy who went out and bought my own lockbox this weekend for just such a reason.

But, I'm not the adulterous one in the relationship, I keep telling myself that. It's a rationalization I know, but it's got some objectivity to it, doesn't it?

So. Do I confront her with this or not. Probably not, as my resolution has been to "not let her KNOW she's bringing out the worst in me" anymore. Still, I admit to one nasty little fantasy - I COULD confront her with it and engage her in a conversation about her infidelity, have her admit it and stuff, and tape record the whole thing. Evil, I know, and useless in a legal sense, but in a sense of satisfaction and being able to prove beyond any doubt at all to her family and The Other Guy's wife...very useful.

I know it's wrong, but you know I'm thinking about it.

Those of you who have posted comments recently to the effect of, "Why are you DOING this to yourself? What more do you need to KNOW? Stop sneaking and spying like a jealous little bitch and grow up!" (that's a bit of a paraphrase...heh) have a valid point.

I'm not doing so hot at getting past this stage. I talked about that with my therapist for a bit. He agrees it's wrong but says it's far from unusual at this point in the process, but I still don't want to use that as an excuse. I know I sound like an addict when I say, "But really - this is the LAST TIME" so I won't even say that now, even though it's what I'm thinking. I've thought that before. Maybe no "proof" will ever be enough, I'm not sure who I'm trying to convince, myself, or her family and his wife.



Random thought I need to mention to her, even at this late stage, and remember for myself: She's trying to convince me people can never change. I'm refusing to buy it. And in a way, isn't she herself proof of that - she's changed from a nice, moral person to an adulterous liar. She may claim to have good reasons, but it's clearly a change. Further, she seems to think she could love and marry The Other Guy someday and have a real relationship, which obviously would require another change in her, back to someone who doesn't cheat. She could not dispute that after having our son, we both changed. People can and do change I believe this fully. I already have - the old JD would have freaked out and had one of those angry temper-rage episodes a LONG time ago by now. I've made lots of other changes that have persisted over these last two and a half months now, and they'll continue.

I haven't posted about this in awhile but I'm up to 50lbs of weight loss now. It's definitely levelled off and last week was even (too many nice dinners even though I kept my other meals very small last week) so I definitely need to join a gym or something.

I thought about taking up Karate or another martial art for both the fitness and the mental discipline, but my sister made a good point - at this point, suddenly practicing martial arts moves around the house could look bad, eh? Ridiculous but undisputably true as well. For the same reason, I might voluntarily take my guns over to my brother's house...that was an idea of his. Just as a gesture of "goodwill." As much as I might claim I want them around the house for "self defense" who am I kidding, we live in the suburbs and a good one at that, there hasn't been a home invasion here in years.

My divorce book advised taking any and all personal diaries and things like that out of the house, I don't have anything like that anyway, but the gun idea seems like an analog. To the wrong judge in today's America, three handguns (.22, 9x18mm and standard 9mm) and two long guns (.22LR and 12ga pump) might look like some kind of arsenal.

I did do a house clean sweep this weekend and the most "illicit" things I could find were a few old Penthouse magazines and a couple of porn flicks, one of which was my wife's choice (hey, we're liberals, what can I say?) but I chucked 'em all anyway. Other than that just some alchohol and what the fuck, we're not exactly Mormons here, so I'm not chucking nice wine and bourbon. Besides it's mostly hers. I've got a pint bottle of Seagram's for 7 & 7's when I go to a friend's house, and that's that. I'm not a drinker, much. All those rum and cokes last weekend was an anomaly. :)