Well, that didn't go well...

So, we just had a talk. I wanted to record it, even tried to do so with my PDA, but it didn't work. I wish it had. Not that it would have been useful in a courtroom, but to keep her honest, it would have been. At one point, she threatened to strangle me. Thinking my PDA was recording it, I even said, "So...wait...did you just threaten to strangle me? Because you were angry, and it just slipped out - but you never would, would you - just like this time you said I said I'd punch you because you made me so angry, which I don't remember but which I'll take your word for is probably true - same thing, isn't it?

I wish that had been recorded. It was because she again said I threw things at her, and I'm telling you all - I never have. I SO wish that damn thing had been recording! (The reason I'm writing this all down is to serve as a record of the conversation.)

I asked her, "EL - you say I threw things at you - did ANYTHING ever hit you, ever?"
"No."
"You say I threatened to hit you once in 9 years, did I ever actually hit you?"
"No."
"Did you just get mad and scream at me in front of The Boy, and threaten to strangle me?"
"Yes. But you know I was just angry."
"Yes, I know that - same as the time that I must have said that thing about punching."
"Have I ever threatened to hurt you any other time, or held a weapon and looked menacing, or anything?"
"No."

WHY was that not being recorded. Argh. She also admitted to having sex with him, which of course I already knew, but insists it was not in the house. Whatever.

Anyway that's as close to verbatim as I can get the conversation. I'm sure that looks like a script, but it sorta was - remember, I was hoping it was being recorded.


Man, does she hate me. She says I'm a controlling asshole. She says the reason she wants the divorce is to be "free." To be in charge of her own life, to never let me have her under my thumb again.

I don't entirely know what she's talking about. I have never tried to "control her life" like that. Yes, I've been manipulative at times to get things my way, people do that...I see it now and wouldn't do it anymore.

I've had the attitude I know better than her, am smarter than her, know the right way to act in a situation or whatever....I admit that, and that's wrong too...and I won't do THAT anymore.

I mean, I know the act of using a PDA to record a conversation to "trap" someone is EXTREMELY CONTROLLING. No doubt. None at all. But I never would have done something that insane before all this - that's why she's bringing out the worst in me, and I need to stop, I know I do. But i our normal everyday lives, there were never things like that.

I have never tried to tell her where to go or what she can do. Never told her what kind of car to buy (we looked at some together and she looked at some on her own and bought one on her own and I thought it was a great deal and told her so at the time) or where to go on vacation.

Never tried to be in charge of her money - to the contrary! I let HER write all MY checks because I hate doing it and forget/lose bills all the time. She's great at that and very organized.

I may have been taking that for granted, and not told her enough times what I just said there, but again, that's not so much controlling as it is just being a Bad Husband.

I never tried to keep her from her friends. Or her mother. I ASKED to go along on trips with her and her mom, or to breakfast with them on weekends as they usually did, but was rejected. But I didn't just go anyway and show up at the restaurant or something. I stayed home because I wasn't wanted.

I have read a lot about controlling behavior...and I do have some of those traits, and will work on them.

But when I asked her to explain to me times I tried to control her she just got angry and frustrated. I never really did get any good examples.

I do want to tell her - I DO remember ONE TIME I got angry and then said, "You MAKE me do this." Which I admit, was a terrible thing to say and trying to place blame and/or make excuses. I wish I could remember the details, but she's right, I did say that exact thing. It was the time I was screaming so loud I was hoarse. The last big time, by the way. It was something like where I was trying to do the "right thing" - I don't remember exactly, maybe it was I stayed home so she could go out with her mom, or something, I don't know, but I remember that I had thought "Wow EL will really be happy I did it this way for her." And instead she came home and made comments like "You only did that because you are lazy, you had no intention of doing anything else and it had nothing to do with me. " That was the time I got so upset because I was hur tso bad, but I lashed out and screamed anyway. And yes, I remember yelling down the hall to her, "Why do you make me DO THIS? WHY do you make me scream like this, I hate this, I try not to do this but then you make me." I do have to tell her I remember that, and she's right and I'm wrong on that.

Anyway....the conversation STARTED as a discussion about her going to the lawyer tomorrow and needing some info from me. She then said she wanted a "graduated custody plan" where it starts out I have him for 1 day a week, then when he's three I have him 3 days a week, etc.

I said - absolutely, positively, NO WAY. It's 50/50 time. I don't care if it's one day with each of us alternating, or two, or three...but it's EQUAL TIME and I will absolutely settle for nothing less. She didn't seem to like that but she could see I was serious. I expect some fighting in this area. She still says though she doesn't want alimony or my other monies and things. I forsee that being the bargaining chip, and if she tries that, saying something like "well you give me more custody and I'll let you keep your stocks" I will be QUICK to point out that she's bsaically "selling" away her son's time if she's doing that. Or maybe put another way she's trying to "buy" more custody of The Boy. I won't permit that.

It's 50/50 time or I fight like a banshee.

Let's see, what else came up...she claims she told her mother everything about the affair, the sex, etc. I have a hard time believing it but I sort of think she might be telling the truth. Her mother is sick enough to be one of those Mother-in-Law's who'll aid and abet the affair as much as possible - watch the kid while she goes on dates, whatever. I consider that very possible. So maybe she did tell her the truth, but she still admits she's not telling anyone else the truth.

I can't remember much else. My boss called me in the middle of it so I let it go. We'll talk more tomorrow night I'm sure and try to hammer out some type of agreement stuff. I'll try the recording trick again.

Tomorrow I'm taking The Boy out to dinner with my two aunts again, so that's nice. He was a little sick the last time so this time he should be in a better mood I hope.